


Nobody Said It Was Easy

by midnightmorningcoffee



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Bisexual Poe Dameron, Bisexual Rey (Star Wars), Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Family Drama, Fluff and Smut, Funny, Lawyer Ben Solo, Light Angst, M/M, Other, Romance, Semi Slow Burn, Single Dad Ben Solo, Single Parents, Single mom Rey, doctor rey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:02:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 93,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22012273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightmorningcoffee/pseuds/midnightmorningcoffee
Summary: Ben Solo is a successful corporate attorney in Manhattan. Recently divorced, and raising his son Tristan in the City.Rey is a Medical Doctor newly in the city from London with her daughter Olivia who spends her time between England and New York. Both suddenly find themselves in a situation they never imagined they would be in as single parents, divorced and married to their careers. By chance or by circumstance they meet. Through a series of misfits, mishaps and no shortage of modern conveniences big and small, Ben and Rey find a way to communicate and connect that surprises the two of them more than anyone.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 161
Kudos: 416





	1. Isn't That The Way They Say It Goes?

**Author's Note:**

> I have been a life long avowed hater and avoided all things Star Wars. Ask anyone who knows me on even a semi-casual level and they will confirm this. I also swore off ever writing fic again for a host of reasons. But then I saw The Force Awakens, then The Last Jedi and The Rise of Skywalker, and well, here we are. Reylo did it. No one is more surprised than me. It took over a year of very, very slow rumination (denial?) but I couldn't get these two out of my head. I couldn't type fast enough, could not wait to see words about them on the page. I just love them so much and I hope you do too even though they've traded their lightsabers in for messenger bags and lab coats. x

_Benjamin Solo_ —the name said it all, really.

Solo parent, solo sleeper, solo maker of coffee and pancakes before school and work every Monday-Friday.

Those were just a few of his informal titles along with Dad, that tall guy over there in a black suit, and the tall _and_ mopey guy at Whole Foods buying organic toilet paper and granola bars, shopping habits left over from his ex-wife of 13 years. Well, wife of 13 years, ex-wife for the last year and a half.

More professional titles included Attorney at Law, Partner of Solo & Hux, LLC, only son and only child, current payor of extremely too much child support and Head Coach for the Knights, his son Tristian’s little league team on the weekends.

This morning he was running exceptionally late, taking an extra 15 minutes to rouse his son from his cozy cocoon of sleep, buried somewhere between Batman sheets and a Spiderman blanket.

“Come on Trin, we gotta get moving. If you’re late, I’m late.”

_“I don’t wanna…mhmffff….”_ The voice was muffled, sleep swollen cheeks shoved under the Joker pillow case that was half off the pillow.

“I know buddy, I don’t wanna _mhmffff_ either, but we have to.” Ben pulled back the scene of Batman scaling down a wall from across his son’s back, gave a light tug on the sleeve of his pajamas.

“I made chocolate chip pancakes. I even put Cool Whip smileys on them, with little cherry eyes.”

Tristian raised his mound of brown-black curls from beneath the pillow just long enough to roll his eyes.

“Cool whip isn’t _real_ whip cream, Dad.”

Ben nodded, his hand on the back of his neck, watching his son slowly pull himself up, put one foot on the floor and then the other.

“Yep, I got that, I got that, but it was all they had.”

“All who had?”

“The store, it was all the store had.”

“Did you go to a real grocery store Dad or just the bodega?”

Now Ben was helping his son, pulling his pajama top off him, pointing to the clothes he had laid out across the bottom of the bed for the day.

“It doesn’t matter, just get dressed. We can discuss the merits of bodega vs. regular grocery stores once you have your shoes on.”

Tristian obeyed, slowly, begrudgingly, finally entering the kitchen in some version of what Ben had picked out for him to wear to school, both shoes untied. He flopped in a chair at the kitchen island, face in hands, watching his Dad work, sleeves rolled up.

“Well, I guess that’s okay,” Ben said, standing at the stove, taking one look at his son before returning to his morning routine.

He was making scrambled eggs, 4 eggs in a bright purple bowl, mixing them with a fork because he still hadn’t managed to buy a whisk. His ex-wife had gotten that in the divorce. Ben had gotten every other weekend, half the summer and every other holiday with Tristian. His life was a marked-up calendar (digital and paper) now more than ever, with Tristian’s games, PTA meetings, happy hour at work when he could make it or when he had to, Doctor’s appointments and random scribbles that meant nothing to him weeks or even days after the fact.

Ben was great at making plans and never quite seeing them through. Marriage, his original career path (starting his own business or maybe teaching, something that didn’t involve corporate or criminal litigation), old girlfriends, playing basketball in high school and college, all great at the beginning and then something always seemed to happen. It always went sideways somehow.

He had taken over the firm and title of Partner from both his Father and Mother; both had started the Firm before he was born along with his Uncle, Luke.

Eventually Armitage Hux, his friend from law school, and a sometimes family friend, had joined the Firm as soon as they both passed the bar. He was now co-partner along with Ben through a series of legal and political battles of will that Ben had wanted no part of. He had slept in every single morning his Father scheduled a meeting to discuss it.

He was cursed and lucky to have his whole future chosen for him before he had any say in the matter. Lucky because it was one less thing he had to decide or think about, and cursed because well, he had no say in the matter.

His entire family had been lawyers, his Grandfather and his Father and all their Fathers before that. It was what was expected of him so here he was, reading case files over cold cups of coffee, handing off things to paralegals, working through lunches over gross office salad and calling it billable hours.

Ben had grown up in the hallways of his family’s law firm, the lobby doubling as a space ship or sandbox, whatever he needed it to be on any given day. He would go there after school and wait for his parents to finish whatever case they were working on, sometimes having dinner as a family in the office. His Mom and Dad always tried to make it fun, but in the end, it was just another thing Ben had no say in.

He loved his parents, he really did. They weren’t bad people, they just didn’t know how to be parents until the kid part of the whole raising a child thing was over. Now that all three were adults, they got along great.

His dad always made it to Tristian’s games, even if they were at some ungodly hour on a Saturday morning. His Mom would be there too, both Grandparents cursing the other team until one or the other was hoarse. They would be serving some hot beverage made at home, coffee or hot chocolate usually. He’d had to remind his parents on more than one occasion that this was Little League and not professional baseball but it didn’t matter.

His parents were always on his side. His Mom had never liked his ex, and his Dad had simply pretended she didn’t exist, then and now. It was very convenient for Ben.

“Alright, here we go. Two scrambled eggs, one way too big chocolate chip pancake, one orange juice served in a glass that I _think_ is clean, diner style, at your service.”

Tristian looked up at his Dad, his nose wrinkled.

“Diner style?”

“Meaning you didn’t make it.” Ben motioned toward the food with his fork. “Eat, eat.”

The two ate in comfortable, sleepy silence, their brains half-turned on, not quite ready for the day. Ben wasn’t a morning person and Tristian had inherited the trait from his Father.

Ben left the dirty dishes in the sink, no time to rinse and put them in the dishwasher. He ushered Tristian out the door to school, both with one arm in their respective coats, a permission slip between Ben’s lips, pen in hand. He used the wall by the mailboxes downstairs to sign it, the black ink bleeding through to the white paint, leaving his hastily written initials, _B.K.R.S._

~ ~ ~

“Oh shit, my pager’s going off.”

“Mummy, you said a bad word.”

Despite living in New York for the last 3 months, most of her young life had been lived in England, and Olivia was fully embracing her British roots.

“I know, and I’m sorry. Mummy’s got a page coming in from work.”

“A pager? It’s 2019, who even has pagers anymore?” Ollie’s face was wrinkled with dissatisfaction, something well beyond confusion.

“When did you get so judgmental?” Rey pulled the pager from the pocket of her fuzzy, white sweatpants.

“Doctors still carry pagers,” she informed her daughter, standing in their kitchen, two half-eaten bowls of raisin bran on the counter.

“But why? Why don’t they just call you?”

Rey was tired and it wasn’t yet eight a.m.

“I don’t know, sweetheart. But could we please eat the rest of our breakfast so aren’t late for school again? That’s no way to start off the year at a new school.”

“You hate being late,” Olivia muttered, more judgement.

_Wasn’t it supposed to be easier until they were teenagers?_

Rey almost said _no I don’t_ but the truth was _,_ she did.She hated being late to anything, for any reason.

“What did work want?”

“Mmm?” Rey was already districted, moving onto the next thing, tidying up the kitchen and making sure Ollie’s lunch was packed.

“Did work say you have to go in?”

Rey checked her pager again.

“Must’ve been a mistake, false alarm.” She checked her phone. Nothing.

“So.” Olivia led the way to the front door of their brownstone, Wonder Woman backpack on her shoulders, hair braided down the middle.

“What are you going to do today since you don’t have to work?”

Rey felt herself trying to look sad, felt herself trying not to smile.

Rey was someone who liked to organize her day, to know what she would be doing down the minute. And today was no different.

After dropping off Ollie at school, she had booked an early morning massage and then would spend the day at the newly re-opened MoMA. She would take herself to lunch and then go for a swim after a long, leisurely walk back to the apartment. Then she would pick Ollie up from school, hair and body freshly showered, muscles tired and relaxed from swimming laps. They would head home. Rey might even bake cookies.

“Oh, I don’t know darling. Mummy really needs to finish the book she’s reading.”

“What are you reading?” Ollie let Rey take her hand once they were out on the sidewalk.

Rey was about to respond when she realized that she hadn’t finished a book in months; not since moving to New York.

“Well, I’ll probably just read the news or something.”

Ollie wasn’t convinced and neither was Rey.

Since moving to New York City at the beginning of the summer, time had been both something Rey could measure and something that eluded her all together. She had lost days to unpacking boxes, signing Ollie up for school, and training for her new job at Columbia. She had treasured evenings reading Ollie to sleep, making dinner for the two of them and planning how they would spend their first Christmas in New York.

When she had been offered the position with Columbia’s surgical team along with the possibility to teach one day, her marriage to Tom was all but over, the only thing left the paperwork so it wasn’t really a choice at all. She was sick of England and sick of Tom and most of all she sick of barristers, her own, Tom’s, and she would be very happy if she never saw the inside of a court room or law office again.

She had lost sleep over how Ollie would handle the split between New York and London, let alone the split of her parents, but lost no sleep over her marriage ending. Tom had been lovely the first few years, and then when Rey finished medical school, he became jealous of everything that didn’t directly involve him—her patients, her free time, even Ollie.

Tom was the only real family Rey had ever known and she had imagined it would be a lot harder to leave him but maybe she was like her parents after all because she found leaving, ending her marriage, to be the easiest thing in the world.

~ ~ ~

_8: 17 a.m._

_Midtown; New York City_

Hux was at his standing desk when Ben walked into the office, already annoyed at the sight. He was still wearing his navy blue track suit from the gym, air pods resting in his ears.

“Next thing you know he’ll want a fucking treadmill desk so he can feel extra accomplished while he takes two hours to answer a fucking email for a client.” Ben had expressed this lovely sentiment to half the members of the firm at their last team meeting. Only Poe, another buddy from college, had laughed.

“All the walls in this goddamn place are made of glass, you can see everything and he knows it. That’s why he acts the way he does!” Ben had ranted on more than one occasion, usually with his hands on his hips, his chest puffed up like an angry, colorless peacock.

This morning was proving to be an example of just that.

“Let him have this,” Poe had groaned, leaning back as far as the plush leather chair would take him in his own office. It had become Ben’s favorite place to take a stand or take a nap when he knew Hux was looking for him.

“It’s a wonder you ever finished high school, let alone college and law school with as much as you hate being around people,” Poe had said more than once while Ben rushed into his office, either slamming the door or closely it as quietly as he could waiting for Hux or Zorii, his paralegal to pass.

“I just know they’ll have something they want me to look at, some document I have to read and then sign.”

Poe had laughed so loud it made him cough. Ben almost asked him if he was dying. He reached for the cherry flavored Hall cough drops he kept in his top desk drawer, popping one in his mouth. It clinked against the back of his front teeth.

“That’s kind of your job, chief. It’s all of our jobs.”

Ben put up one hand to stop him.

“I get it, okay? I get it. Any other day it would be fine but today—“

“You say this every day.”

“Not every day!”

Ben needed quiet, time and space to think and Poe knew this. He had been his roommate for six years, living in the dorms together through all of college and then sharing an apartment while they both went to law school.

Ben liked to plan and then change his mind at the last minute, a personality trait almost no one in his life loved. He was a workaholic. He was usually quiet, with occasional outbursts sometimes, like the one he was having. 

Poe was the opposite in almost every single way. Poe had a praise kink and was just corny enough to demand high fives from co-workers just because it was Friday and they had made it through the week. He after all was the one who had started the annual secret Santa-white elephant gift exchange tradition at the holidays, a ritual that Ben despised.

The one area where they two men did see eye to eye was their competitive streak. It had started with one upping the other during games of basketball, and progressed into competing for higher grades, then who could drink the most beers, and of course who could get the most phone numbers at the end of the night which Ben protested was vastly unfair as Poe collected phone numbers from both men and women.

It was one reason their firm was so successful, the two of them, along with Armitage were all wildly driven in vastly different ways but all for the same reason, to win cases for their clients. Sometimes, other than Tristian, it was all that mattered to Ben.

When Ben had married Rebecca all those years ago he had been way too young, way too motivated by escaping his parent’s legacies, and only a little bit in love. They had met at a party, something Ben did only because everyone else was doing it. But three drinks in, he was suddenly the life of the party and everyone had to know it. When one person wasn’t paying attention, he had to correct the situation immediately. That’s when Rebecca entered the picture.

She had been sitting on a couch at first, ignoring Ben and most everyone else around her and when he flopped down next to her, bravely putting an arm around her without asking, she had simply sighed, gotten up and walked away.

He watched her as she went to lean against a wall, doing her best to disappear. She had even brought a book to the party. He wasn’t as good at this as Poe. He had confidence, sure, and even could manage light and hopeful charm, charisma. But he wasn’t in the mood for mind games that night. Besides, he always won at those anyway.

Ben had watched carefully the rest of the evening, letting this one go only for her to turn up in one of his philosophy classes. That sparked his interest; he wondered what this girl was all about; maybe she was obsessed with knowing and understanding what other people’s thoughts were too. So he had asked her out until she said yes.

She was interested in what people were thinking, but in a totally different way. Rebecca had wanted to be a therapist, but then changed her mind once they had been married for a year and decided to stay at home and become a life coach and eventually a stay at home Mom.

That put them on a path beyond divulged. It was two separate journeys all together.

5:30 nights in the office turned into 6:30 nights and before either of them realized it, Rebecca was skyping with clients in their office until bedtime while Ben worked on cases at the kitchen table.

It turned out a relationship and eventually a marriage that was built on trying to win someone over out of pride wasn’t going to last; that and their inability to see eye on eye on anything from politics to how to raise their son was a recipe for an ending.

It was a wonder his parents were still together. But somehow they had made their mood swings and temper flare-ups work to their advantage.

Ben had yet to learn that trick. But he was working on it.

It came in handy in terms of his career, but the switch was flipped when it was time to be a Dad. As he aged, now at the tender age of thirty three, he had mellowed, much to the relief of his friends and more recent ex-girlfriends that lasted all of a month, two at the most. Well, not that recent, as Poe and even Armitage liked to remind him on a semi-consistent basis.

“Look, no one is saying that you need to get married again, but…what…you’re not a monk you know?” Poe had told him over beers with Hux that same evening after work. It was Rebecca’s night to have Trin.

Their ties were loosened, shirt sleeves rolled up, legs spread across narrow bar stools at a dingy Lower East side joint. They avoided the lawyer and finance bro populated bars of Midtown and Tribeca as often as possible.

“I have toyed with Buddhism,” Ben only half-joked. He had gone on a reading spree that spring, and even started meditating with his Uncle Luke during his divorce which he hated to admit, was helping him calm down, round out his sharper edges and focus in a way that wasn’t so manic.

“Oh come off it, Solo. You know what Poe means.” Hux was one round of drinks behind them, trying to be careful and avoid a hangover for the next day.

Ben shook his head, turned the green beer bottle around once, twice in his hands.

“You know they say it takes the same amount of time to overcome a relationship as the relationship itself lasted?”

At this both Poe and Hux laughed until they had to hold onto the high top for balance.

“You mean you want to wait 13 years to find someone you actually like again?”

Ben shrugged. “Maybe. I’ll be what do they call it…a sugar daddy by then?”

Poe really lost it this time, actually getting up to walk away from the table just to laugh, hand to chest, his head nearly between his legs as he struggled to breathe.

“Dear god, just those words coming out of your mouth…appalling.” Hux was now gulping his half-finished beer, shaking his head at his friend and co-worker.

“What? What’s so funny? Nothing else I’ve tired has worked.” Ben’s voice and face were innocent, genuine.

Poe had joined them again and was patting Ben on the shoulder, his hand barely covering a third of the space. 

“You’re a tall, handsome as fuck, and successful lawyer in Manhattan. What’s throwing them off? Is it the kid thing?”

At the mention of Tristian, Ben’s face brightened then took on an unsure pallor. His son was his whole world and Poe knew it. Poe was the godfather, an honor shared with a longtime friend of his Father and Mother’s, the Honorable Charles Bacca, or Chewie as Ben had called him since he could speak and well before he was able to pronounce the name Charles. Now everyone called him that.

“No, if they don’t like kids it’s an automatic no. If we even get that far.”

“What about that one woman…what was her name? Susan? I liked her. Where did the two of you meet?”

“Susan, yeah. We met at yoga class. The one my Uncle Luke and I go too in Murray Hill.”

Poe and Hux’s eyebrows raised in unison.

“Is this where you’re meeting people, Solo? Yoga class?”

Ben nodded. “Well yeah, and bars.”

Poe smacked his forehead with his hand, and Hux just looked sad.

“What? Where else do you meet people? Work? I would never.” Ben made a face. He liked everyone he worked with, everyone he, Poe and Hux had hired over the years. He had toyed with the idea of asking out Zorii but he had known her too long and she knew way too much about him. Besides he was pretty sure Poe had harbored a crush on her from the moment he first laid eyes on her. But if Ben stayed away from everyone Poe took a liking to…

“Online!” They nearly said at the same time.

Ben scoffed, looking at Hux first.

“ _You_ do online dating?” 

Hux nodded, folding his hands in front of him on the table next to his now empty bottle.

“I do indeed. There’s something out there for everyone.”

“Yeah man, you’re way behind the times,” Poe backed him up.

“I’m only 33 for fuck’s sake,” but Ben knew they were right. He was right on the cusp of not being a Millennial and he had certainly never acted like one. Most days he felt like an old man in young man’s body. He had a kid, he had a real, grown up job, he owned an apartment, and he was divorced. He could cook things from scratch, he went to bed at the same time every night; he even always paid his bills on time. He felt closer to 80 than 35, as if most of his life was behind him.

“Okay, tell you what, I’ll help you set up some dating profiles and let’s just see what happens.” Poe pretended to be making a generous offer but Ben knew he lived for this stuff. This was right up his alley.

“I don’t know…”

“Oh come on, Ben. We won’t tell anyone.” Now Hux was in on it too.

“Why do you care so much if I’m dating someone or not?” He asked both of them, tipping the remains of his now warm beer toward his lips.

“Because I’m sick of you coming into my office to blow off steam or take a rage nap on my couch.” Poe never held back.

“Because I’m bored,” Hux admitted.

Ben shrugged. “Sure, why not?” What could it hurt? It was something to do anyway.

~~

8:27 p.m.  
Upper West Side, Manhattan

The first things Rey had hung in her apartment in New York were Ollie’s drawings of their home in London and her degrees from college and medical school. Both were in her office. Their first apartment had been on loan from Columbia that felt cold and unfamiliar, especially after the coziness of their country cottage in England that she had somehow wrangled from Tom in the divorce.

But she had finally found a place on the Upper West Side that suited their needs and after guffawing at broker fees she signed a one year lease and got to work on making the place feel like home. She took her time selecting the perfect pillows, candles (vanilla and unscented only so as not to mix with the scents of her cooking), and spent far too much money on the perfect queen sized bed, a true luxury in New York.

When she stood back and looked at the diplomas on her wall, she felt a surge of pride that she had no shame over. It was pure hard work and dedication that earned her those and anything else worth having in her life.

She stood looking at them now, her hands on her hips, her day off behind her and she felt full, relaxed and nearly rested. She walked closer to the framings, tracing the glass with her fingers, newly manicured and polished a light pink hue.

**_St. George’s University hereby confers upon Rey Walker the diploma, title and honor of Doctor of Medicine….._ **

She had them both re-printed when she changed her name after the divorce, losing her married name as soon as legally possible, and refusing the last name given to her by the last in a long succession of adopted families. Now she would get to choose. 

Rey’s phone buzzed in her pocket, personal cell, not work. She removed it quickly knowing only a handful even had this number and most of them were back in England where it was middle the night.

_Please tell me you aren’t on your couch again._

Finn, from work. Her favorite colleague and had been from the first moment they met. She smiled at his nightly check in on her that had become part of their friendship.

She typed back, perhaps too quickly.

_No, I’m in my home office at the moment actually._

His response was instant.

_Please tell me you’re not working!_

Rey laughed, shaking her head at the screen. She could just hear his voice, comforting, high and then low, in an accent much like her own.

_I am most certainly not working. Just…taking stock of things._

There was a pause, and then, _what…how many erasers you have? Counting the staples in your stapler again? Come have a drink with me, you’ve yet to try even half of the insanely overpriced bars in New York._

Rey sighed, looked back towards the living room where Ollie was watching cartoons on Netflix. It had taken her forever to figure out to set up the parental controls on the app.

_I wish I could, but I can’t. Ollie, remember?_

Finn didn’t type anything for a while and just when Rey had shoved the phone back in her pajama pocket and headed back to join Ollie in front of the TV with her still half-finished book, another buzz came through.

_How will I ever set you up with any of the handsome, eligible bachelors I know if you won’t get out of your pajamas once in a while?_

At this Rey laughed, causing Ollie to turn from the show she was watching to give her Mom a look.

_Are any of these handsome, eligible bachelors straight by any chance?_

_You got me there,_ was Finn’s response.

Rey clicked the phone shut, putting it away and pulling out her book, resolved to at least finish a chapter before bed.


	2. Basic Dude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Finn and get a peek inside his friendship with Rey. We also learn more a bit more about Ben's background. Poe camps out in Ben's office with a very important assignment.

_One deep breath in…. hold the pose...just if you’re able…and…deep breath out, exhale on the release._

Ben was in warrior pose, his Uncle Luke beside him for their weekly Wednesday morning yoga class, also in the same position. Ben was on his pink mat, Luke on blue. Both men transformed to sun salutation in one fluid movement, breathing in unison at the instructor’s encouragement as part of the warm up for the session.

Ben had graduated from beginner and gentle yoga classes after a couple of months and was now studying and practicing Vinyasa. His Uncle was far more advanced of course, but came to every class with Ben as a sign of support and a way to bond with his Nephew outside of sometimes tense family dinners and Facetime sessions as they each walked down crowded New York streets.

Ben still needed help sometimes with his physical balance and getting the poses just right which the instructor was happy to help with during class by adjusting his hips and gently putting his legs and arms in alignment depending on the pose. Ben always smiled, whispering _thank you_ and did his best to remain in the correct stance or pose. He had noticed his core was stronger, as were his arms and legs and he was much more flexible at the gym. He could run longer distances now. He had even started doing a few poses in the morning before work at the base of his bed, listening to NPR on his Bluetooth speakers that were hooked up all over the apartment to get in the correct headspace for the day.

Ben had started to sweat, looking over at his Uncle, who was moving through the poses with barely an ounce of effort. It was maddening how his body and mind never seemed to age. He knew it came from decades of healthy living and eating, training himself to be patient, calm at his center. Ben wasn’t sure whether to admire or envy him.

Ben had encouraged Poe to join him on a few of their weekly sessions after Poe noticed how much harder Ben was able to work out at the gym since starting yoga, how much more relaxed he seemed in general. Poe had even made a comment about how _goddamn snazzy_ Ben was looking in his suits at work lately which had made Ben turn a light shade of red, smile and shake his head calling his friend a crazy motherfucker.

“I have a good tailor,” Ben had joked.

Poe nodded; a pretend pensive look on his face.

“Yeah I’m sure that’s it. Being tall enough to talk to God doesn’t hurt either.”

Poe’s height or lack thereof had long been a point of contention and the result of years of inside jokes between the two of them. Poe got even by making fun of Ben’s oversized ears until he had the good sense to grow his hair out and keep it that way. It was currently the longest it had ever been, Ben needing to tie the top part back when he did yoga or went for a run. Poe said he looked like a ninja which Ben pretended to hate.

Poe much to Luke’s delight and Ben’s own personal embarrassment had taken him up on the offer to join a couple of yoga classes. Between flirting with the instructor and whoever happened to be beside him on the mat, Poe barely did a single pose. Instead he spent most of his time chatting up anyone who would listen and complaining about the fact that he wasn’t good at this.

“It’s your second time ever doing yoga,” Ben reminded him under his breath. “You can’t expect to automatically be good at everything.”

“I can’t?” Poe half-joked.

Poe had decided on a whim to attend law school after a brief stint in the Navy as a pilot. Before that, he had played football in High School, garnering the attention of more than a few scouts for the NFL. He chose the Navy instead and while there he figured college was free so why not go? He got his undergrad degree in Economics and felt cocky enough apply to for law school. He got in and passed the bar on his first try.

Ben still joked that Poe only became a lawyer because he did.

“Even if that’s true, I still did it,” Poe said smugly, truthfully. “Besides, you of all people should appreciate playing the long game.”

Hux was another story all together. Armitage always knew he would become an attorney and eventually partner and with the help of Ben’s Mother and Father, he had done just that. It had taken some time, but Ben had eventually come around to Hux, even considering him a friend now that the dust had settled in terms of who would run the firm once his parents retired. Poe didn’t want the responsibility and Hux had been there from the very beginning.

Once Armitage learned he didn’t have to try so hard with Ben, things became much easier. He still felt the need to repeat exactly what Ben had just said in meetings and eventually Ben realized letting him lead them all together was probably the best course of action, the path of least resistance in any case and it made his life much easier. Poe likened them to the Odd Couple. Somehow it managed to work. 

The session ended and Ben stood toweling off, his hands nearly touching the ceiling of the cramped studio space as he reached upwards.

“Off to work, then?” It was a rhetorical question from his Uncle who knew his nephew worked all the time.

Ben nodded, tossing his towel over one shoulder.

“Yeah, got quite the day ahead of me.” It was true. Ben had meeting after meeting with clients both in-person and virtual and a shit ton of paperwork to catch up on in addition to email. His fingers itched to get to his work phone in his bag.

His uncle smiled. “I’m sure you’ll start working as soon as you hit the street,” he said, knowing his nephew’s habit of checking and responding to email while he walked and rode the subway.

“More than likely, take a quick shower at work and get right to it.” Ben kept a closet of suits to change into at work, mostly black, that was a micro version of his closet at home. Poe gave him endless shit about it.

Luke nodded. “I was wondering if this weekend you wouldn’t mind breaking out of your normal Saturday morning routine and joining me for breakfast, brunch I guess you kids call it. I know its Rebecca’s weekend with Trin.”

Ben smiled. “Yeah, brunch sounds perfect sure.” He would never turn down a chance to hang out with his Uncle.

“Great, glad to hear it.”

The two men headed toward the door, shrugging into their light jackets before facing the brisk September wind. Ben leaned down to give his Uncle a parting hug, and turned to go, his phone already in his hand, when Luke stopped him.

“Oh, and by the way, I invited your Mother and Father to brunch as well. They’ll be so glad to see you.”

Ben stopped, turning back around to face his Uncle in the street. The wind had picked up between the buildings causing a gust of air to hit them both from the side.

“But I won’t have Tristian.” The words came out of his mouth before he could catch them. He saw the look on his Uncle’s face; silent agreement, a tiny bit of resignation and disappointment.

“I know, that’s why I asked. I thought it might be nice for the four of us to meet and be together without…” 

“Without the real reason they usually want to see me, which is Tristian.”

Luke sighed. The wind was blowing even harder now and he had to raise his voice to be heard.

“That’s not what I was going to say. I just thought it would be nice to be together as adults.”

Ben made a noise with his throat, but said nothing.

“Anyway, how’s ten?”

Ben nodded. He knew there no use in arguing. He had already agreed to go.

“Sure, ten works just fine. Just text me where.”

Luke patted his nephew’s arm once, twice before walking away against the wind. Ben watched Luke go until he disappeared around the corner, the wind blowing his loose, dark hair away from the base of his neck, cooling the skin there.

~ ~ ~

“Skinny soy latte, three shots, just how you like it.” Finn placed the venti sized cup down in front of Rey at her desk at work. The top was scattered with patient charts and files. Two pictures of Olivia sat in front of her, and random sticky notes in different colors attached to the bottom and sides of her two monitors with random notes and extension numbers written on them.

“Ah Finn, you’re too good to me,” Rey sighed in relief, taking a sip before the cup was fully out of his hands.

She turned the cup around and saw they had spelled her name _Ray_ as usual.

“At this point, the baristas just assume Ray is my very picky boyfriend who doesn’t actually exist.”

Rey laughed. “I’m sorry. Hopefully they’re extra nice to you as a result.”

Finn rolled his eyes, taking his seat across from her at his own desk.

“More like pity.” 

“So last night’s date with Juan didn’t go as planned?”

Finn was always amazed at how Rey remembered and kept track of all of the people he went out with, no matter how much time had passed or how many there were. Or weren’t as was the case recently.

Finn shook his head. “No. He’s Catholic.”

Rey raised an eyebrow. “And…you have a rule against dating Catholics?”

“I have a rule against Catholic Mothers. And Jewish Mothers. And all Mothers.”

“Oh, Finn.” But Rey knew what he was implying. He didn’t want to deal with overbearing parents who tried to control their kids’ lives. Especially when he never knew who his own Mother was. He and Rey had that in common, among many other things. They had shared their mutual sob stories over drinks the second week Rey had been at Columbia.

“Promise me you won’t be that kind of Mom to Ollie.” 

“Are you kidding me? Ollie is never dating anyone, ever.” 

“Okay, well, good luck with that,” Finn teased.

Rey sat back and watched Finn type for a bit. She liked to watch him work. He could instantly focus on whatever the task at hand was, whether it was surgery or responding to an email. It was something she worked hard to achieve herself. Often her mind would ping back and forth from one thing to the next, already thinking about the next task, the next place she needed to be.

During her first few weeks in the operating room, she would often look up or over at Finn, sometimes for reassurance, not in her skills or what she was doing, but just to know she wasn’t alone in such a high-pressure, literal life or death situation. He would always meet her gaze, somehow, he always knew when she was looking his way. They would smile under their masks, Finn sometimes cracking a joke to lighten the tension in the room. All the nurses loved working with him and Rey couldn’t blame them. He was a breath of fresh air in a job where the stakes were as high as they could possibly be.

“What about you?”

Rey looked up from her work. “Hmm? What about me?”

“Still not dating anyone?”

Rey laughed. “You mean since yesterday? No, no. I can safely report that I am still happily single.”

“No one at work caught your eye?” Finn made a poor attempt to keep his voice down.

Rey shook her head. “No, I’m afraid not. Not too many hot, single Doctors walking around who want to date a fellow single doctor with little to not free time on her hands. Oh, and she has a kid too. And an ex-husband. In England.” Rey shrugged. “Plus, I’m not too keen on dating people I work with.”

“Is that why you haven’t asked me out yet?”

Rey grinned. “I was waiting for you to pop the question.”

Rey knew Finn dated mostly men, but she knew about one serious, long term relationship with a woman he’d had a year or so ago. They were still friends, and Rey had met her once over dinner and drinks. Rose Tico was a lovely person, and an Engineer so she was smart as hell which Rey always appreciated in a person.

Still, she was terrified of ruining the close friendship they shared. Harmless flirting was fine, but anything more and she knew it could potentially damage their relationship and that was a risk she just wasn’t willing to take. She had bonded with Finn immediately, two orphans, under very different circumstances, finding one another on opposites sides of an operating table, someone else’s life in their very capable hands.

“Well, you just let me know when you’re ready,” Finn responded, a warm smile lighting up his entire face.

Rey nodded. “Deal.”

In the meantime, Finn would continue to help peruse her online dating accounts with permission during and after work, swiping left or right, knowing her type at first glance. She would often watch over his shoulder, laughing or frowning, sometimes raising an approving or curious eyebrow, depending on the profile.

She had her filters set up for both men and women, even though she had not dated or been with a woman in quite some time. Before Tom, of course. But she figured she would take her chances, keep her mind open. It was part of her post-divorce resolution. She would say yes to things instead of no.

Most dates had not been that successful. There was Joe, the Chef. He made a mean risotto from scratch but not worth a second date. She had also gone out with a Chloe, who was in finance and they still texted on occasion, sending flirty messages and selfies when either was in the mood. It was so much easier with women, it seemed. At least so far.

Part of the problem was that Rey was never sure what she wanted, not yet, anyway. Marriage was out of the question as were one-night stands though she’d had a few of those to get them out of her system right after the divorce. Maybe there wasn’t a word or description for her what she was looking for. Casual didn’t fit the bill, neither did long-term relationship. She wanted to be able to have a laugh with someone, share some takeaway after work, someone who liked and wanted to hang out with Ollie.

She told herself she would know it when she saw it and she trusted her gut, her instinct. It had gotten her this far.

There was no one around to tell her it was too soon to start dating again. Her marriage had been over for years. And besides, she was in New York fucking City. The world was hers, one swipe at a time.

Rey pulled out her phone and sent a quick text to Chloe.

_Bored at work for once. How are you?_

~ ~ ~

Ben noticed Poe had scheduled something on his calendar called **VERY IMPORTANT MEETING DO NOT MISS** during lunch and he clicked on the invite to open it from his laptop in his office, confused since he was the only person on the invite. His mouse hovered over accept, but before clicking it, he typed a quick _WTF_ in the body of the invite.

Poe responded immediately as if he wasn’t two doors down the hall from Ben’s office.

 _Your place or mine?_ Was all it said.

Ben sighed. He almost got up to walk into Poe’s office just to throw something at him. Instead he decided to play along. He typed his response.

_Depends on who’s buying._

Ben heard Poe cackle down the hall, then start typing. A box popped up in the corner of his screen.

_Haven’t you heard? Bottoms never pay._

Ben choked on the bottled water he was drinking, the plastic crumpling in his hand, water spurting onto the front of his shirt and his desk, more laughter from Poe down the hall, this time clapping his hands.

“Jesus Christ!” Ben bellowed, more than loud enough for Poe to hear.

Another message.

_I mean, not to make assumptions…_

Ben gritted his teeth, trying not to smile.

_Appearances can be deceiving._

This time it was Poe who shouted down the hall at Ben, “Oh yeah baby!” at the top of his lungs.

Right on time, Hux poked his head into Ben’s office.

“Is everything all right with you two? Did I miss something?”

Ben waved him off, shaking his head.

“Nothing, nothing. Poe’s just flirting with me usual.”

Hux sighed. “When will you two just do it, and get it over with?”

“ _Do it_?” Now Ben was full on laughing, both hands on his desk. “What are you, 12, Arms?”

Hux, along with everyone in the office knew Ben was painfully heterosexual and Poe was anything but. It hadn’t stopped them from briefly experimenting with a kiss their sophomore year of college. They weren’t drunk and there was no years long underlying crush on Poe’s behalf towards Ben. As it happened, they were bored in their dorm one night watching a terrible sci-fi movie about space zombies when Poe asked Ben if he had ever kissed a guy.

“Is that a serious question?” Ben had lifted his head off the pillow on his way too narrow bed.

“You had to know it was coming.”

Ben shrugged. “I guess. I mean, I _haven’t_ , but I figured you’d ask one day because you’re you.” 

“What the hell does that mean?”

“You have to know everything about everyone! You’re like a bottomless pit of curiosity.”

Ben had learned this lesson for the first time when he answered his phone one night when he thought Poe was asleep. He saw the number come up on his cell phone, blinking at first, not believing what he was seeing. But muscle memory caused him to answer quickly, some long forsaken instinct buried deep inside of him.

“Hello?” He tried to keep his voice steady as he walked toward the dorm room door.

The voice on the other end was low, but booming since Ben had put the phone on speaker by accident in his haste to answer.

_“Kylo? Ren? Is that you?”_

Poe was suddenly wide awake, head off the pillow, lamp beside his bed switched on.

“Who the hell is _Kylo_ and who the hell is _Ren_? Are you a fucking drug dealer?”

Ben had waved his hand behind him to shush his dorm mate before stepping out into the hallway to finish the conversation.

Poe was relentless, asking Ben every time he saw him after that who had called him that night.

“It was my Grandfather, okay?!” Ben had turned on his heel in the student parking lot one day, inches from Poe, his face red and tight from anger, annoyance.

Poe had never asked why his Grandfather had called Ben so late, using weird ass nicknames. He figured he would get more than he bargained for, and Ben would do way than scream at him if he asked any more questions. They had never spoken of it since.

The kiss however, was another matter. Poe took every opportunity he could to tease Ben about it, telling anyone who would listen that he had at one point “made out” with Ben Solo.

“It lasted .5 seconds,” Ben would correct him and Poe would wink, nod and mouth, _sure, sure_ behind Ben’s back.

After Ben had told Poe he’d never kissed a guy before, Poe had simply gotten up off his dorm room bed and plopped down next to Ben in his.

“What are you doing?” Ben asked, already guessing.

“I can be your first.”

Ben made a face. “I wasn’t planning on having a first.”

“Well, then I can be your last.”

“How bored _are_ you?”

Poe shrugged. “Tired of porn.”

“Is that a thing?” Ben asked, half-serious.

Poe leaned over, gave Ben a brief kiss on the forehead.

“There,” Poe said, pulling back, grinning.

Ben looked confused. “Wait, you said kissed a guy, like…”

Before Ben could finish his sentence, Poe had grabbed Ben’s face and planted a brief kiss on his lips, flopping back on his own bed, and opening his laptop before Ben could blink.

“That’s it? That’s all it is?”

“Was it as good for you as it was for me?” Poe teased, one arm behind his head against the headboard.

Ben looked at the ceiling, pretending to contemplate his response.

“A little sloppy, and way too quick but A for effort.”

Poe was laughing, leaning across the small space separating them to slap Ben’s arm.

“It’s all good.” He sobered then. “I mean, I assume it is. I didn’t ask…”

Ben waved him off with one hand.

“Shut the hell up. I don’t care. I know you by now. I’m surprised you haven’t done it sooner.”

Ben’s Mother had taught him from a young age that he should love and accept everyone for who they are no matter what and she made no bones about it. His Father…that was at times another story and a point of contention in their marriage from the start.

If anything, Ben had always envied Poe’s ability to be himself no matter what or who was around. Poe had told him he knew he liked boys and girls from a young age after seeing the movie _Titanic_ and having a crush on both Kate and Leo.

Ben had desires and feelings untapped, unexplored in his marriage and in the subsequent dates and brief relationships after. He also had more than his fair share of bullshit in his background that he made sure to keep well hidden. Poe on the other hand was an open book, turning every admission on its head, every revelation a cause for celebration.

At noon on the dot, Poe was in Ben’s office, door closed, legal pad and pen in hand, legs crossed, sitting on the sofa across from his desk.

“So, what’s this important meeting that I could not miss all about anyway?” Ben was leaning back in his desk chair, sleek silver armrests and curved leather back. Poe told him he looked like an evil emperor sitting in that thing, that all he needed was a white cat in his lap to pet. Hux of course bought a matching one for his office.

“We are here, my friend, to work on your online dating profile.”

Ben groaned, tossing his head onto the back of the chair.

“Poe-“

“No arguments! You agreed to this and I knew if I didn’t put something on your calendar you would avoid it like you do everything else that doesn’t take place inside these walls.”

A long sigh and Ben leaned forward in his chair motioning for Poe to go on. He knew Poe was right.

“I’ve gone ahead and made a list but I think we should narrow it down to just a few.”

“A few?”

“Yes, a few apps. I’m thinking Ok Cupid and Bumble.”

“Bumble?” Ben had heard of Ok Cupid but not the other one.

“Yeah, it’s a dating app where the woman has to message you first.”

“That’ll be a nice blow to my self-esteem.”

Poe ignored him.

“Tinder is really just for hook ups, though most people have all three so you end up seeing the same people over and over again.”

“Then why have all three?” Ben was genuinely curious in how they differed.

Poe shrugged. “Desperation, boredom, who knows.”

“Which ones do you have?” Ben asked.

“Oh, I have all of them, and Grindr.”

“What’s that?”

Poe smirked. “You would be **very** popular on Grindr, Benjamin.”

Ben motioned towards Poe’s phone.

“Sign me up for that one then.”

Poe laughed, wagging his iPhone in Ben’s direction.

“Don’t tempt me.” A beat and then, dryly, “Ben, it’s for gay men.”

“Oh, well then, never mind.” Ben sat back in his chair as Poe proceeded to go through his list of questions he had prepared.

“Did you do any actual work this morning?” Ben asked, typing his lunch order into Seamless. Salad, again.

“This is work, trust me. Now,” Poe got up and took a seat in one of the chairs clients usually sat in directly in front of Ben.

“Let’s get down to business. We’ve gotten the basics out of the way, you like dogs, hate cats, you have a kid, your favorite color is black, you like Pink Floyd, Karate Kid was your favorite movie as a kid and you eat everything, especially spicy stuff.” 

Ben was nodding along with Poe’s words.

“And I’ve gone ahead and chosen a username for you.”

“Okay.” A pause. “What is it?”

“Ben-Jammin!”

“No.”

“What?! Come on!”

“it’s a stupid nickname that only you call me and I hate it so, no.”

“Do you have a better idea?”

Ben mulled it over for a moment.

“How about BenSolo. One word.”

“Are you kidding me? You can’t have the word _Solo_ in your dating profile.”

“Why not?”

“Because it sounds pathetic and sad.”

Ben put his forehead down on the top of his desk. He was having flashbacks to law school when he and Poe would study together and the night would turn into endless, ridiculous banter before they’d even opened a book.

“Any other ideas, your royal grumpiness? And no, you can’t put the words Dad or Lawyer in your username.”

Ben raised his head and stared at a spot on the wall behind Poe’s head. He was so bad at this.

“is Black Knight too nerdy?” He thought of Trin’s little league team and his own love of chess, as well as his days as a moody teenager playing _Dungeons and Dragons_ and _Magic._

“I think you may draw the wrong crowd with that one.”

Ben blew air out of his cheeks, tapping his fingers on his laptop.

“I don’t know, I can’t think of anything so, how about KyloRen86? That has to be available, right?”

Poe stopped writing to look at up at his friend. He hadn’t heard that name or those words used since the night in the dorm that Ben’s Grandfather had called.

“Um…sure. That probably works.” He jotted it down before sliding the legal pad across the desk for Ben to review.

“Take a look, let me know what you think. You’ll need to download the apps. I would recommend creating an email address that’s not work related,” Poe added, standing to go.

Ben held the legal pad up and scanned it quickly.

“Jesus, it’s depressing seeing it all written down like this.” 

“How do you think it felt writing it?” Poe walked around the desk, his hand on Ben’s shoulder.

“I’ll help you spice it up when you get the apps downloaded. We need to find some hot pictures of you to post too.”

Ben groaned again.

“Or we can take some. I have a feeling you don’t have any photos of yourself just hanging around on your phone.”

Ben shook his head. “No, they’re all of Tristian. Or food.”

“Wow Ben, you are one basic dude.”

“Maybe that could be my username.”

Poe opened the door, swinging half his body around to smile at Ben before he left.

“I’m 100% sure that one is already taken."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments so far! And thank you for your patience as we set up the lives of our two favorite hopeless love birds. More to come soon! :)


	3. Revenge Dating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has an unexpected overnight stay. Ben suffers through yet another meeting led by Hux. Poe's advice pays off.

Ben lay in bed later that evening; having downloaded the apps Poe mentioned and saved them in a folder on his phone he named _Don’t Ignore._

He did a quick mental calculation of the last time he’d gone on an actual date. It had been about a month or so ago, with someone his Mother knew, of all people. A friend of a friend’s daughter. She had been nice enough but nothing that really caused Ben to stop in his tracks. Maybe that’s what he wanted. Maybe it wasn’t worth the effort if it didn’t knock him sideways. Dating for the sake of dating didn’t interest him in the slightest. Sex was one thing, but the whole song and dance of a date seemed like more effort than it was worth most of the time. But his curiosity around online dating had gotten the best of him so here he was.

Ben opened Bumble first. He didn’t have a photo yet but he had logged in and added all the information Poe had taken down for him. He hoped it didn’t read like a Help Wanted ad. He bit his thumbnail as he scrolled down his page, wondering what type of photo to use. Poe had said no pictures of him holding fish and no shirtless iPad mirror selfies which Ben would never take anyway. Plus, he had never been fishing in his life. Maybe there were people out there worse at this than him.

He wanted to look at the other profiles on the site, but knew that people would most likely be able to see that he had looked at them and nothing was creepier than a guy’s profile with no photo attached. He sighed and opened the photos folder on his phone. He scrolled past photos of Trin at the Bronx Zoo, blurry photos of his shoes he had taken by accident that he deleted, a few photos of dinners he had made that he was particularly proud of. Maybe he could put one of those on his profile since he had listed cooking as one of his interests.

But a good profile photo couldn’t be a photo of Indian or Thai food no matter how delicious it had been.

Ben kept scrolling and deleting, pausing on a photo he didn’t remember being taken of himself. Trin must have taken it when they were riding the subway recently. He often played with Ben’s phone, beating him at games usually. It wasn’t half-bad; Trin had been sitting next to him on the subway and must have told him to look his way. It was a clear shot at a decent angle; Ben’s hair was down and he was smiling. He had on a light jacket, brown corduroy for a change. He liked that it looked natural, not staged or posed like whatever photos Poe would probably take of him.

Ben took a deep breath and opened the app back up again, clicking on the blank space where the avatar was and double clicked to go into his photos to add it as his profile picture. He looked nice. Approachable. Being with Trin made him happy and it showed. He took stock of his profile now that the photo was added and went into Ok Cupid to upload it there too.

Poe had also mentioned he needed a full body shot to prove he was actually 6’4. Ben was happy to play to his strengths and height was certainly one of them so he returned to his photos folder in search of a wider shot he could use. There were a few, the most recent being at one of Trin’s Little League games from the spring. His Mother must have taken it. It was of the back of him, and a bit his profile, standing in navy blue running pants and a black t-shirt that said **_The Knights_** in white block letters on the back, **_Solo 01_** underneath. He stood with one hand on his hip, the other pointing out towards the field, his hair pulled back in a semi-ponytail.

This was okay, he could use this.

He added it to both apps, making it the second photo with the caption _Yes, I really am 6’4._ He captioned his profile picture _My son took this_. 

He sat back against his headboard, content with his selection of photos. He moved his finger over to press on the search and match buttons, taking a deep breath, crossing his bare feet at the ankle at the foot of the bed.

“Let the games begin,” he said to himself and the empty room.

~ ~ ~

Rey awoke in a bed that wasn’t hers, but wasn’t completely unfamiliar to her body. The sun was just coming up beside her. She had kicked half the covers off her body and she wasn’t alone. She did a quick rundown of the night before, glad she’d had the good sense to schedule an overnight baby sitter for Ollie.

She had met Chloe at a bar near work and somehow, they had ended up back at Chloe’s Tribeca flat. Well, there were a few missing pieces, some steps taken and clothes removed to get from Point A to Point B. it had all began with a simple kiss at the bar over martinis (gin for her, vodka for Chloe) and that led to leg touching beneath the bar, hand holding, up the skirt touching and eventually they retreated to the bathroom to get half-way undressed and make out in a stall, skirts hitched up, Rey’s leg around Chloe’s waist before leaving the bar and flagging a taxi headed Downtown.

Now Rey lay still, the fan on the floor putting out a quiet hum as it moved back and forth at the foot of the bed. Chloe was still asleep, laying on her side, facing away from Rey. She thought about placing a hand on her back to wake her up but instead she reached over for her phone on the table beside the bed.

No texts from the babysitter which was always good news. Two texts from Finn—one last night asking how things were going and one this morning checking in on her. Rey smiled, pulling the sheet up to her face as she typed out a quick response letting him know all was well. It felt good to be thought about, cared for, to have someone to worry about her. She could get used to this.

 _Good for you my dear. I want to hear all about it. And not in a gross way_ , Finn’s text promised.

 _You got it,_ Rey typed before removing the covers from one side of her body and slipping out of bed, headed to the bathroom, still holding onto her phone.

When she finished, she saw Chloe was already awake, sitting up in bed flipping through her own phone. She smiled as Rey re-entered the bedroom.

“Good morning sunshine,” her voice was groggy from sleep and Rey went over, sitting on the edge of bed. It seemed awkward now in the light of day to crawl back under the covers beside one another.

“Did you sleep well?”

Rey nodded. “Yes, your bed is divine.” 

Chloe grinned, looking up from her phone again. “Thanks.” She nodded towards the kitchen. “There’s coffee if you want it. It switches on automatically at 6.”

Rey nodded, getting up to retrieve a cup. She desperately needed caffeine and it was something to do with her hands. She always liked a good task.

The kitchen was small but tidy, and as promised the machine was waiting with a pot of hot coffee. Rey opened and closed a few cabinets before finally finding a mug and spoon. She didn’t bother with milk or cream, instead pouring it straight into her cup as is. She would have injected it via IV straight into her arm if she could. Since moving to New York, she had found herself drinking more and more coffee, forgoing her usual morning tea with milk. It was one small change she noticed among many in her daily life since leaving England.

Rey took her time leaving the kitchen, trying not to be nosy, but letting herself look at the shelf of books and pictures by the fridge. There were photos of what looked to be friends and family scattered in-between stacks of cookbooks and nick knacks.

Rey stopped at a series of photos with Chloe and another woman, arms around one another, laughing, and in the final shot, kissing. So, _not_ just friends.

“Oh, I see you’re taking the grand tour,” Chloe’s voice was light as she entered the kitchen. She had changed into silk pajamas. Rey had slipped on her clothes from the night before while in the bathroom and now stood there in someone else’s kitchen in her wrinkled skirt, barefoot. She felt foolish, small.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude…”

Chloe followed Rey’s gaze, her smile still intact.

“If you’re wondering, that’s my girlfriend, Maz.”

Rey blinked. “Y-your girlfriend?”

Chloe nodded, headed over to the coffee machine.

“She’s traveling and working with the Peace Corps right now in some god forsaken far clung country somewhere. She’ll be back next month.”

Rey swallowed, forcing out a tiny laugh.

“T-that’s great. And you two…you’ve been together a while?”

Chloe took a long sip of coffee before responding.

“Six years.”

Rey’s mouth fell open before she could stop it.

Chloe shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. We have a strict don’t ask don’t tell policy. She travels all the time. I don’t ask what she does, and she doesn’t want to know what I do.”

Rey nodded slowly, absorbing such news before 7am. “Right. Because don’t ask don’t tell has historically worked out so well…”

Chloe laughed, missing the point entirely. “What we do is just for fun.”

“No, you’re right, it’s just…”

Chloe looked at Rey over the top of her mug, confused. “What? I just assumed you had a partner, probably someone full time.” A beat. “Or maybe I was wrong.”

“Pfffttt….” Rey made a noise with his lips and tongue that sounded like a drunk horse.

“Noooooooooooo….I meannnnn...” She was adding an extra consonant or two to each word she spoke, as if she was existing underwater, moving but not really going anywhere.

“I guess it’s just that….” Rey stopped herself realizing this woman knew nothing about her life other than the fact she was a Doctor and that she had a kid. She didn’t want to tell her anything more, certainly not about how she was okay with just fun, but that she wanted to stay far, far away from being a third wheel in any form or fashion.

“I mean, I _do_ , have a partner. A boyfriend, actually. He works with me.” God, how silly, how juvenile the word _boyfriend_ sounded coming out of her mouth.

Chloe raised her eyebrows, surprised, but not curious. But Rey rambled on, too far ahead of herself to catch up now.

“He’s a Doctor as well, obviously. We’re both Doctors. He’s from a little tiny corner of England so we have that in common too. Wildly handsome.”

 _Dear god, shut the hell up!_ Rey screamed at herself.

“Well that’s…. that’s great,” Chloe was nearly done with her coffee and was clearly ready to move on.

“So just text me when you’re free again. You have my number.”

She leaned in to give Rey a parting kiss on the cheek.

“Uh...yeah. Sure. Of course.” Rey watched her retreat into the bedroom to get ready for work.

“I’ll just…show myself out.”

Rey headed for the door, trusting her bag and shoes would be there. She sent a quick text to the babysitter letting her know she was on her way and quietly counted the minutes until she would be home to shower, make Ollie breakfast and tell Finn all about the injustice of her morning.

~ ~ ~

“I’m not sure revenge dating is the wisest idea right now…” Finn cautioned walking down the hospital corridor with Rey, her face buried deep in her phone, fingers swiping in a near manic fashion. They had just come out of surgery.

“No one says I have to actually go out with any of these people.”

They turned a corner and Finn looked over her shoulder, the names and faces on the screen moving by so fast they were a blur.

“Yes, but that doesn’t really seem fair, does it?”

Finn took hold of her elbow gently, pulling them into a quiet corner away from the nurses’ station.

Rey looked at him, slightly annoyed.

“This just doesn’t seem like you. I mean, you had sex with the woman a handful of times. Who cares about her?”

“It isn’t about Chloe,” Rey said under her breath, barely taking her eyes off the screen.

“I realize that. It’s about…” Finn let his words fall off, unspoken.

Rey stared at him now. “What? It’s about what, Finn?”

“I know it’s about rejection. About feeling…. lied to. Like you don’t matter or something. I get it, Rey.”

Rey blew a stray piece of hair away from her face.

“Does it matter what it’s about? Why does everything always have to be about something else?”

Finn sighed. “You know what I mean. I just want you to be careful that’s all.”

Rey leaned one hip against the wall, her pager and hospital lanyard that were hanging from the pocket of her scrubs bumping against the white paint.

“Matching with random people on a dating app isn’t being reckless, Finn. It’s a serotonin boost. Social heroin.”

Finn managed a laugh.

“Course it is. Just…know that your fake boyfriend from work who is wildly handsome worries about you. That’s all.”

Rey’s body relaxed and she felt herself leaning forward, putting her forehead against Finn’s shoulder.

“Why do you put up with me?” 

Finn took Rey by the shoulders, pulling her away so he could look at her.

“We put up with each other.”

Rey nodded, hands on Finn’s elbows.

“That seems fair. Just don’t let me go on _too_ many revenge dates, please.”

Finn pulled her up, adjusting the collar of her lab coat.

“You’re more than capable of taking care of yourself. It’s the other people I feel sorry for.”

Rey punched him on the shoulder and they walked back to their offices down the hall, arms around one another.

~ ~ ~

“I know the 4th quarter hasn’t yet begun, but we are obviously looking and planning ahead, through to next year…” Hux’s voice droned on at their Friday morning all hands meeting. Ben had no idea why it was held at 9:00 a.m. on a Friday but he kept showing up anyway. At least it wasn’t at 4:00 on a Friday.

 _I thought you were the quasi CFO,_ Ben texted Poe who was sitting across the conference table from him.

_I’m great with numbers but only Hux could put a room full of people to sleep like this._

Ben smirked, looking at Poe’s response. Hux cleared his throat sensing the two were digitally passing notes during his speech. Ben put his phone face down on the glass table top. He brought his fingers up to his mouth and furrowed his brows towards the front of the conference room so it looked as if he was paying attention. Poe stifled a yawn.

His phone pinged, and he shot a look across the table at Poe.

Poe shrugged. _Wasn’t me._

Ben looked down at the back of his phone, the smooth, all black case taunting him. Maybe it was Trin’s school. Or his Uncle Luke. He looked over quickly at Hux who had by now broken out the Power Point presentation that Zorii had prepped for him, complete with pointer, clicker and pie charts.

Ben grabbed his phone, flipping it around and holding it under the table, the screen still in night mode giving off a weak glow. Nothing urgent, it seemed. Just notifications from his dating apps and an alert from the NPR news app. The country was going to shit and two new people had swiped right on him. He made a mental note to himself to turn off the notifications for the dating apps.

He cleared everything and went into his messages to text Poe, starting to craft a message, begging him to help get them out of this meeting. It was their Friday ritual.

 _Fake a heart attack_ , Poe suggested.

 _Already used that one,_ came Ben’s wry reply.

Hux cleared his throat again but Ben was too bored to go back now. He opened NPR to make sure the City wasn’t on fire. Then he opened Bumble, briefly checking out his new matches. They were both attractive, around his age, both in the City. He would wait and see if they messaged him. Those were the rules.

Hux was coming to the end of his presentation, asking if there were any questions. There were not.

Ben pulled his phone out from under the table, holding it close to his stomach now, looking down as the room was finally adjourned. He went to the main screen and began to mindlessly swipe. He could see why people got addicted to this. It was like Candy Crush only with humans.

Ben’s fingers were large and clumsy, even on the newest iPhone which was the size of a small dog so he had to be extra careful not to swipe in the wrong direction by accident. Face after face appeared, and after a while they all started to look the same, like repeating the same word until it didn’t make sense.

He stopped suddenly, not swiping left or right on a photo of a woman dressed in a white sundress, laughing, holding a straw sunhat over chestnut curls with one hand. Her smile covered half of her face. She was clearly in the park, a peek of a checkered blanket behind her on the grass. It looked like the cover of a magazine. It couldn’t be real. She couldn’t be real.

Ben looked at the photo closely, carefully moving it up to see if there were others. There were.

He was almost scared to look.

 _You’re being fucking ridiculous, man the fuck up,_ a voice in his head came at him like a rusted dagger, not used in some time but it dug deep with its power.

No one had spoken to him like that in years and he shook off the inner voice, wherever it emerged from and began sliding his fingers across the screen so gently he almost wondered if he was moving.

The second photo was of the woman cooking in what he guessed was her kitchen, a wooden spoon in her hand. Her hair was pulled back, a few strands clinging to her cheeks and the sides of her neck. She was in jeans, barefoot, wearing a tight purple V-neck top and an apron covered in watermelons. She was smiling again. A real smile.

The caption beneath read, _Yes, I really am 5’7._

Now he was moving quickly, through the rest of the photos. There were four pictures total, all different, but all with the same incredible face in each.

The other two included a photo where she was wearing her lab coat as if it were a cape, stethoscope around her neck, fists on her hips. She was dressed in light blue scrubs, her hair back in a tight ponytail. The caption was _Not all heroes wear capes, but they do wear lab coats._

Ben smiled despite himself, as if she had whispered a joke just for him to hear.

The last picture was taken on a plane, a selfie from her seat where she looked tired, but relaxed. Maybe even relieved.

_Just landed in our new home. Can’t wait to meet you, NYC!_

He held his breath as he scrolled down to read her profile.

**_Rey, 29._ **

_Kick ass surgeon with a funny accent. New to the City, fresh from jolly old England. One kid, she’s the greatest, and you’ll think so too. I don’t have any pets, but it’s on the list. Dogs please, no cats! I make the best curry you’ve ever tasted and you’ll think so too._

**_Weapon of choice during a zombie apocalypse:_ ** _My mind_

**_Favorite color:_ ** _White—white is a color, I don’t care what anyone says._

**_Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?_ ** _I can read minds already, so I guess I’ll go with flying. Why isn’t time travelling an option?_

Ben’s eyes moved down the last few lines in the profile but he didn’t take in any of the words.

He felt a presence beside him; Poe had come back into the conference room to check on him.

“Bad news Ben-Jammin?”

Ben shook his head, still looking down at his phone.

“What is it?”

Ben held up his phone for Poe to see, the first photo. He looked at Poe over the top of the screen. Neither man blinked.

“Jesus,” Poe muttered.

Ben nodded.

“Swipe right, swipe right! Extra like, super like, fly me to the fucking moon like! What the fuck are you waiting for?”

But Ben seemed frozen in place. His hand held the phone towards Poe as if his bones and muscles had decided to stay this way forever.

Poe sighed.

He took a step closer to the screen, one finger against the glass, sending the profile to the right-hand side. He looked at Ben.

Ben’s mouth felt dry, his head light, thoughts racing. “What? What is it?”

Poe’s face went from 0 to 100, breaking into a grin so wide it looked downright painful.

“Guess she likes you too, you lucky son of a bitch.”

Ben didn’t care how silly he felt for being excited over a goddamned dating app. He flipped the phone around in case Poe was fucking with him.

“Isn’t this so much fun? Aren’t you glad you listened to me Benny Boy? I would never lead you astray.” Poe swatted him across the shoulders, once, twice before leaving the room, before leaving Ben to sit there staring at the photo of the woman in the sundress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing this at break-neck speed since it just won't leave my brain until I do so. Thank you again for the kind words and encouragement. Its so good to know the story is being read and enjoyed. And thank you again for your patience! Our romantic heroes meet in the next chapter. x


	4. Girls Chase Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has brunch with his family and bemoans the lack of cell service in the New York City subway system. Ben and Rey finally connect.

What kind of name is _Ren_?”

“I think it’s quite a lovely name. Unique.”

“Okay, well then what about Kylo? I mean, is that a typo? Maybe it’s supposed to be Kyle.” 

Rey made a face. “Kyle is a terrible name.”

Finn was over at Rey’s apartment, Ollie was in bed. Rey had broken out a bottle of wine, their second in fact, after a long week. This was quickly becoming a Friday night ritual of theirs.

“So, you’ve matched. Now what you will do?”

Rey shrugged. She picked up her phone to look at his two photos again. Her face softened at the photo captioned _My son took this._

He earned bonus points for having a kid, and being a single dad at that. She had laughed to herself when she read bits of his profile.

_I like to cook—a lot. I’m not saying that to woo you. I really do enjoy the art of cooking, it relaxes my all too busy mind. I guess I think too much. My friend tells me I over analyze but maybe that’s why my eggplant parmesan and pad see ew are so good, I don’t know. Anyway, I’m also a lawyer._

It read like one run on sentence, where he had simply typed out whatever came to mind and Rey kind of liked that. There was something…endearing about it. She wished there were more photos.

“Wow, your face right now.” Finn remarked from his corner of the couch, wineglass in hand.

“He coaches little league, I mean come on! What am I supposed to do with that?!” Rey tossed her head against the back of the couch, her phone on her chest. 

“So much for revenge dating, huh?” Finn took a victory sip of his wine.

Rey shook her head. “I’m going on other dates.”

“When is your date with Kyle?”

“Oh my god, his name is not Kyle!”

“Okay, when is your date with Hot Single Dad Who is Also a Lawyer Who Likes To Cook And Also Coaches Little League?”

Rey bit her bottom lip.

“I haven’t messaged him yet. I have to do it before the match expires.”

“You haven’t even talked to him yet and your face looks like that?” Finn shook his head. “You’re in big trouble, my dear.”

Rey got up to head to the kitchen. She suddenly wanted popcorn.

“It’s just an initial reaction. I’m sure in person he’ll find some way to let me down.”

Finn laughed from the living room. “That’s the spirit.”

Rey placed the bag into the microwave, watching it spin slowly on the glass circle, filling up with air.

The truth was, like most people, Rey hated first dates. She wished there was a fast forward button to skip them all together and get to the good stuff, if there was going to be any good stuff. It often felt like an interview, the back and forth, question and answer routine of it all.

Then there was inevitably the question about her background, her family, why she left England. Rey dreaded these questions the most. She had been trying out different, creative ways to answer questions about her family but none seemed right. It was always half-truths, maybe not even that. But no one showed up to a first date wanting to talk to someone with a long line of foster parents behind them and no clue where her birth parents were or even _who_ they were. It made for great TV and movies, but as dinner conversation, not so much.

Rey poured the popcorn into a large Halloween bowl, even though it was technically too early for decorations. She and Ollie were excited to spend their first Halloween in the states and go trick or treating in the City. She sprinkled garlic powder on top and gave it a light shake before heading back to the living room where Finn was pouring two fresh glasses of wine.

“Ah, perfect.” He reached out to take the bowl from Rey with eager hands.

Rey flopped back down on the couch, one foot under her, leaning forward to grab a hand full of popcorn from the bowl that was now sitting on the coffee table between them. She sat back, chewing thoughtfully.

“There’s something about him,” she mused aloud.

Finn was reaching for the remote to open Netflix but he stopped to look at her.

“You can tell that just from a couple of photos and a profile about pad see ew?”

Rey nodded. “You know what I mean.” She looked at Finn now. “I can read people. I’ve always been able to.”

“Yes, I’m sure you have.”

“And not just…not trusting anyone because that’s easier. I mean…seeing people for who and what they really are.”

Finn was nodding. “I believe you. It’s a skill you’ve had to acquire.” A beat. “We both have.”

Rey didn’t respond. She wasn’t sure why. Maybe she didn’t want to go too far down the path of discussing how and why she had learned to dodge emotional and mental land mines, how she had honed her skill as an empath not out of choice, but out of necessity.

Right now, all Rey wanted was a cheesy romantic comedy and a mouth full of popcorn while her daughter slept down the hall. She let herself look at her phone once more, just to make sure this Ren person really had matched with her, that he was as real as he could be on a screen.

She sat back as the movie started, practicing in her head a way to start the conversation, _just say_ _hello, hi, how are you? I noticed you have a son. So, you’re a lawyer? Well, no one’s perfect…_

~ ~ ~

Ben was pacing around the space of his office, looking down at his phone every few seconds. He had his door closed, pretending he was on a conference call of some sort. He took a break to sit at his desk and stare at the wall across from his desk, his phone still face up right in his hand. He shuffled some papers in front of him whenever someone walked by, typing something on his laptop when someone knocked on the door to ask him a question.

He counted down the minutes until 5:00, leaving on time for once. Hux raised an eyebrow as he passed by, bag on his shoulder, waving his goodbye and calling out for everyone to have a good weekend as he neared the elevator.

“Where on earth is he going?” Hux had asked Poe, meeting up in the employee kitchen to wash their coffee cups.

Poe shrugged, grabbing the bright pink sponge from the back of the sink before Hux could use it.

“Beats me. You know Ben. He likes being mysterious as hell.”

Hux sniffed. “Probably has a Doctor’s appointment or something.”

Poe nodded, smiling to himself, his back to Hux as he waited his turn.

“Yeah…that must be it.”

Ben looked at his phone as he left the office that evening and on the subway ride home whenever he had service he flipped back and forth from the political podcast he was listening to back to Bumble to make sure he hadn’t dreamed all of this up.

It was torture having to wait on her to message him. She was a Doctor though, so who knew what hours she kept. He bit his thumbnail, looking at the photo of her wearing her lab coat as a cape. He wondered if she worked in the ER or was she an OBGYN? Maybe she was a brain surgeon or family doctor. He wanted to know everything. He was frustrated that he didn’t which was…crazy. Right now she was only 4 pictures on a screen. He didn’t even know if her name was actually Rey.

A reminder popped up on his phone; brunch tomorrow morning with his Uncle Luke and his parents.

Ben felt a knot roll over somewhere in his stomach and move up between his ribs. He recognized the feeling; dread. He always looked forward to seeing his Uncle, but his parents were a mixed bag. He was never sure what to expect. His therapist had told him that instead of trying to guess or making assumptions what each encounter would be like, that he should let things happen naturally and process them in real time and process them after the fact.

 _“Don’t bring your entire past to brunch,”_ she would probably say to him.

Not knowing or guessing what the future held? That didn’t sound like something Ben was very interested in or capable of doing.

Having his Uncle Luke there would be a good buffer. The three of them always got along better when it wasn’t just the three of them. He was closer to his Mother than his Father, but there was always some underlying tension there no matter how much time had passed.

Ben took a deep breath and get off at his stop, slinging his bag over his shoulder, phone still in hand. He made sure the volume was up as he made his way above ground to the street, then two blocks down and one block over to his apartment.

It was going to be a long night.

~ ~ ~

The restaurant his Uncle had chosen was across from the Park, near the movie theater Ben usually took Trin to. Horse carriages were clonking by as he made his way down the sidewalk, taking a deep breath before entering the restaurant, crowded and bustling with the Saturday morning brunch crowd.

He was tall enough to scan the inside and see past the bar and further into the restaurant. His parents and Luke were at a corner table, having already arrived.

Ben walked past the people waiting to be seated, past the line of mimosas and bloody marys at the bar to greet them. His Father’s back was to him, so Ben patted him between his shoulder blades as he walked up behind him.

“No need to get up,” He joked, towering over the table; his hand still on his Father’s shoulder. Menus and cloth napkins were laid out alongside 4 glasses of water.

“Well, good morning sunshine,” his Mother’s voice was dry, but she was smiling, looking at him over the edge of her reading glasses.

“Ben, we went ahead and ordered a carafe of coffee for you,” Luke offered, motioning to a seat beside him and next to his Mother.

“Thank you,” Ben said sinking into the chair, hanging his bag on the back. He leaned over to kiss his Mother on the cheek.

“You’re looking chipper and lovely this morning,” he commented truthfully. His Mother Leia looked great for her age. Although he marveled at how, living with his Father all this time.

“Good of you to join us son,” His Father was looking at him across the table. His face and neck had a few more lines in them lately, but he was attempting a smile while looking at his son. Han Solo was still a handsome man. He was aware of the fact and never let anyone forget it.

“Wouldn’t miss it.” Ben reached for a menu and opened it. He placed his phone on the table face down before shrugging out of his jacket, letting it fall to the back of the chair too.

“How’s Tristian?” His Father asked, his own menu open in his hands.

“He’s great. It’s Rebecca’s weekend with him so.”

Ben looked down at the selection of brunch items as the waitress brought everyone their coffee. His Uncle and Father had ordered orange juice. He passed his Mother the little carts of milk and sugar without her having to ask. She smiled and patted his arm.

“There’s a reason you’re my favorite son.”

“That’s an easy job when you’re the only one,” His Father commented.

Ben looked up at his Mother who rolled her eyes. She pointed down to the menu her husband was holding.

“Do us all a favor and focus on which omelet you want and save the stand-up routine for later.”

“Omelet? Are you crazy? I’m getting chicken and waffles.”

Luke exchanged a look with his nephew. This was very typical of his parents’ relationship. His Father quasi-bossing around everyone who was within ear shot, his Mother as usual, in the end, being the one who really ran the show.

“Whatever you say,” she hummed turning her attention back to her son.

“And how are you kiddo?” She placed a heavily bangled wrist and hand laden with rings upon Ben’s arm.

He took her hand and smiled. “I’m good Mom, thanks. Just a little tired. It was a long week.”

“Isn’t it always?” She said, remembering all too well her long days and long nights at the firm.

Ben kept his mouth shut, not reminding her he had needed his Mother, had needed both of his parents during those long days and nights, those weekends spent at the office, and weeks away on business when his Uncle Luke would watch him.

“What’s happening over at the firm these days? Hux still pretending to run the show?” His Dad’s voice boomed across the table.

Ben had a tight smile. He looked down at his phone, wishing he had left it face up, wondering if he would be able to hear it in the noisy restaurant.

“Yeah, you know how he can be. Everything is an emergency.” Ben tried to keep his voice as casual as possible. This was how it usually went whenever he was with his parents, especially his Father. They would ask him about Tristian, ask how he was doing and eventually launch into questions and conversation about the firm that used to be theirs. That would be the way much of the rest of the conversation went.

Ben’s hand went to his phone, turning it over, the home screen lighting up. No messages. He felt his body sink a bit. He had no right to feel this disappointed over not getting a message from a random stranger on the internet. He felt like a kid again, waiting for the nerve to ask a girl to the dance only to be told no, she was going with blonde haired, blue-eyed jock.

He had spent the evening prior keeping himself busy with making dinner, doing laundry, and eventually watching an action movie on Netflix that held his attention for all of 10 minutes. He kept his phone by his side the entire time, randomly swiping through the profiles of other people. None caught and held his attention like her. Sure, some were attractive, very attractive in fact and a few even had funny or clever profiles but there was a nagging feeling that they just weren’t the same.

The waitress came over to take their orders. Ben ordered pancakes with candied apples, walnuts and bacon to make himself feel better.

“So, you’re having desert for breakfast,” Luke commented. Ben looked at his Uncle, a knowing look passing between them.

“I’m a growing boy,” He said for the benefit of the table, but he kept his eyes on Luke as he spoke. His voice was still, but his gaze was warm, grateful for his uncle’s company.

His Father, right on cue, launched into his latest tirade against the cases that the firm’s clients were up against once the waitress was gone. Ben pretended to listen, shoveling food in his mouth as fast as he could, washing it down with coffee and ice-cold water. He would nod and make an agreeable noise at any break in the monologue.

Now his Mother had joined in, bantering back and forth with his Father about cases that weren’t even theirs until they were arguing. Ben had learned long ago that fighting was their love language, it was how they communicated. It was one thing to know it and accept it now as an adult, it had been quite another to experience it as a child.

Ben opened his mouth to play referee when his phone buzzed on the table, lighting up with a notification from Bumble. He looked down quickly, grabbing the phone off the table and unlocking it with his thumb. It was Rey. She had sent him a message. He couldn’t believe how happy, how relieved he suddenly felt.

“Look at him,” Han commented proudly. “Our boy is always working.”

“Well, he certainly didn’t get that from you,” Leia said, scraping the sides of her plate of eggs benedict.

Ben ignored their words, their voices becoming a dull rumble to his ears.

He opened the app going right to her message. Her profile picture in the sun hat lit up his screen and his lips twisted up and sideways into a grin before he’d even read what she’d written.

_Hi there! So, it seems we’re a match! I’m Rey. Yes, that’s my real name and yes that’s how its spelled. I’m glad you swiped right. You seem like a normal, down to earth guy which is rare on this app. I just wanted to say hello and good morning. Hope to hear from you soon!_

Ben didn’t take a breath as he pulled up the screen and hit reply. Poe had warned him not to respond to messages or matches right away, to take it easy and look cool but he was well past caring if he was considered cool or not.

“Must be good news,” Luke mused from beside him, sipping the last of his juice.

“I haven’t seen your face look like that in a long time,” Leia mused from the other side of where he sat.

Ben looked up, his fingers and thumbs still posed to begin typing.

“What? Oh yeah, it’s uh…its good news.”

Luke looked at his nephew, smirking.

Ben bent his head to type, not caring how eager or excited he sounded.

_Hey! It’s great to hear from you, Rey. I hope your Saturday morning is going well. I’m glad we matched and I’m very relieved that you messaged me. I know that’s how it works on here but still, I was worried you wouldn’t! Anyway, I really enjoyed your profile, and your photos. I hope that doesn’t sound creepy or weird. I don’t mean for it to, I just wanted to let you know that ever since we matched I’d been looking forward to talking with you._

Ben hit send before he could let himself think about what he had written. He looked up to see the entire table staring at him.

“That must have been some work email,” Han commented wiping his mouth. He had eaten his breakfast in record time too.

Ben didn’t want to let go of his phone. He held onto it as the waitress came to remove their plates.

“Oh, come on now, Han, let Ben do what he needs to do” Luke’s interjection was a blessing, a much-needed relief as always.

The phone buzzed again in his hand and Ben saw it was from Rey. He was more than ready for brunch to end so he could devote his full attention to their conversation.

“Go ahead and look at your phone, I know you want to,” His Mother’s voice was oddly gentle beside him. 

Ben was more than happy to comply. He read the next message from Rey as everyone got up from the table, collecting their bags and coats, Ben doing the same, one-handed.

_I’ve been looking forward to chatting with you too. I liked your profile and photos; in fact I wish there were more, ha ha. Wait, now I sound creepy, don’t I? I can’t believe you would worry whether I would message you. Though I guess that’s a pretty common fear these days. But surely people don’t hesitate to talk to you._

Ben felt his face flush starting at the base of his neck up through his temples reading her words. Simple compliments that added up to much more.

“Ben?” Luke’s voice cut through his thoughts, a gentle reminder of where he was. Luke had a way of both grounding him when his head was above 30,000 feet and bringing him back to Earth, setting him down gently.

“Huh? Oh yeah.” Ben put his phone in his pants pocket in order to say his goodbyes. He bent down to hug his Mother, giving her a kiss on one cheek then the other.

“We ought to do this more often you know,” Leia was holding onto her son’s shoulders, her words almost just for him. “We live in the same city for fuck’s sake.”

Ben smiled at his Mother’s typical colorful language.

“Sure, I would like that,” He agreed easily, catching his Uncle’s eye over the top of Leia’s head. He knew he would be held to it; a promise made on a high known but unseen. Luke missed nothing.

Ben turned to see his Father waiting by the front door of the restaurant, hand in one pocket, the other scrolling through his Android impatiently. He refused to get rid of that thing.

Ben extended his hand.

“Thanks Dad, for breakfast. Feel free to stop by the office next week, if you like. I’m sure everyone would love to see you. Especially Hux.”

Han Solo’s face lit up for a brief moment at the invite.

“Next week you said?” He paused, thinking for a moment.

“Hopefully you can find a way to fit it into your busy schedule,” Ben said dryly.

His Father laughed, slapping his son on the shoulder. “Wise ass.”

Leia patted her husband’s arm, motioning for him to open the door.

“Come on dear, let’s go. You have your morning nap to see to.”

Ben let himself laugh as the foursome left the restaurant, his parents climbing into a hired car with a wave and a holler from Han through the rolled down window saying he would stop by the office Monday.

Ben watched their car drive away and around Manhattan traffic. He waved until they blended in with every other black car in sight. He couldn’t remember the last time his parents had taken the subway. It had to be sometime in the early 90’s. He couldn’t even picture it now.

Luke’s hand was on Ben’s back. He turned slowly and took his time hugging his Uncle. The affectionate gesture shared with Luke but not Ben’s parents hung around the thin space between them.

“I’ll see you Wednesday then?” Luke asked referring to their Wednesday morning yoga class.

Ben nodded. “Of course; always. Wouldn’t miss it.”

Luke looked at his nephew for a while, neurons firing back and forth, Luke carefully selecting words to place out into the air. He could tell that Ben already knew whatever it was he was about to say.

“That went well, don’t you think?”

Ben looked past his Uncle back at the restaurant.

“Yeah, it did. I think it did.”

Luke nodded down to Ben’s phone in his pocket. Ben hadn’t taken his hand off of it since they got up from the table.

“You better text your future wife back. Can’t start off on a bad foot.”

Ben blanked at his Uncle’s words, blinking rapidly. 

“F-future wife? Uh…Uncle Luke…look I…” Ben didn’t bother to ask how he knew it was a woman he was talking to in the first place.

Luke held up a hand. “You better go. You know the trains on the weekends are fucked.” 

Ben wanted to hug his Uncle again but he was returned to the present moment and Rey’s waiting message.

“See you Wednesday,” Ben called turning to go.

“Wednesday,” Luke confirmed watching him walk backwards without question or doubt which direction he was headed.

Ben turned around, sprinting towards the subway stop a block away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to include their first date in this chapter buuut they have a lot to say to one another so its turning out to be far longer than I thought. I also wanted to give the family scene here some time to breathe.  
> Thank you again for anyone reading--comments and kudos are so lovely and really help me! x


	5. Lychee Martinis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey have their first date.

Ben took the stairs two at a time up into the lobby of his apartment building, any errands planned for the day long forgotten. He gave Freddie the Doorman a quick nod before practically sliding across the slick tile floor into the elevator. He pressed 12 for his floor and leaned back against the wall of the elevator car.

He had debated taking a car home but in the end knew that the subway was faster. He was grateful for the time and space to think within the mostly empty train car. He put on his soundproof headphones, and read, and then re-read the messages from Rey.

Ben had so many questions. He felt as if he’d been kept in ice or amber for centuries and was finally allowed to meet another human. But not just any human, one that seemed outside the realm of the ordinary.

He had worked hard against his temperament of knee jerk reactions over the years, ever since marrying Rebecca and realizing his error, their error, he sometimes felt the need to think through everything to the point it drove everyone near him crazy. Some days he was worn down by the sheer number of choices and decisions he had to make.

He didn’t want to be like his Father, making spur of the moment decisions and cleaning up the mess after the fact. He struggled to find balance between the two extremes within himself.

But this felt different somehow. It was a heady, head rush, falling upwards sort of feeling. It didn’t feel like the anticipation over a date because he was bored or lonely or really wanted to have sex. It was more than just the initial rush of talking to someone new, someone to pay attention to you who hadn’t before.

Ben felt something near frustration at where the world had been hiding such a person.

He fumbled with his key in the lock, closing the door behind him and shedding his jacket, missing the coat hook on the back of the door entirely. He left his bag by the table in the foyer which was stacked with unopened mail and random receipts from the bodega and laundry mat.

After hooking his keys on the ring above the table, Ben made a beeline for the fridge to grab a beer and then proceeded to the couch where he planned on camping out the rest of the afternoon or as long as Rey would talk to him.

He popped open the bottle with his thumb, the bottle sitting upright against his stomach. He sipped the beer with one hand, his phone in the other. Ben began typing, with the type of giddy anticipation he had not felt in a long time.

_More photos? I’m not sure I have any more. And don’t worry, you don’t sound creepy or weird at all. I’m flattered you would ask. Women seem to wait for men to make the first move but I guess that’s why this app exists. So I guess that’s good. It’s nice to be reached out to first in this case._

Ben paused, wondering what to ask first. He took another sip of beer. It was after noon on a Saturday and he didn’t have Tristian so drinking was okay. Plus he needed something to calm his nerves, to help him just type and chat without second guessing himself.

_So you’re a Doctor? What type?_

He thought he would start there. He hit send and sat back, asking Alexa to turn on his jazz channel on Pandora. Soon the soft buzzy sounds of a trumpet floated around his apartment. He slid his black ankle boots off and crossed his socked feet on the beige ottoman in front of him.

Ben thought about working for a moment, his laptop beside him on the couch. That’s what he would normally be doing on a Tristian-free Saturday. He would have normally gotten up, went to his favorite coffee place on the way to the gym, and come back and worked for a few hours, ordering take out for dinner if he was feeling lazy or lost track of time, buried in work emails. But today wasn’t like any other Saturday.

His world felt tipped on its side, first brunch with his family threw him off his routine. Then there was Rey, poking her head around the corner and entering his universe as if she’d belonged there all along. Everything was different today.

Rey’s response came quickly. Ben liked to imagine she was at home on her couch too, phone in hand, waiting for his messages in much the same way.

_All that social programming, you see. Well, I must have missed that day at school because I don’t typically wait around for things._

Ben shifted in his place on the couch at just that sentence alone.

_I’m a surgeon at Columbia. I studied in England and this is my first job in the States. I’ve been here since June so I’m still learning the City. But I’m a quick study._

Dear god, she really was English. Ben felt his face do something funny, ears reddening at the tips and lobe beneath his dark, wavy hair.

_And as for not having any photos, well, there’s a simple solution to that._ _J_

Ben was confused for a moment until realizing what she meant.

He looked around his apartment, his gaze moving up and out the living room windows, suddenly concerned about the amount of light coming in. He looked down at what he was wearing; a light, black V-neck sweater with white t-shirt underneath, dark jeans, black leather belt and penguin socks Trin had given him for Hanukah last year.

Ben flipped his camera around to face him, a bit startled at his own reflection. His head seemed to take up the entire frame.

“Fucking huge dome,” he muttered to himself. He ran a hand through his hair, thumb hovering over the home button. He sat back on the couch, the early afternoon sun hitting his chest and neck. He looked tired; tiny dark circles under his eyes but he snapped a photo anyway, hitting send in the app.

_Another photo, as requested. Hope you like._

Rey was on the couch in her apartment, looking at the photo Ben sent, her face surprised that he would do such a thing with only a little flirtatious prompting. She was also more than a little taken aback by how handsome he looked in just a simple couch selfie.

She took her time looking at the picture. It was just for her and the thought made her smile, shoving her thumbnail between her teeth. His hair was longer now than in the photo; he could probably pull most of it back if he wanted to. His free hand was holding a Rolling Rock beer bottle against his stomach. He had the tiniest shadow of a lopsided smile.

She typed quickly. _Your hair is longer! I like it. You look very relaxed. Your couch is way bigger than mine. And I approve of your choice in beverage._

Rey was already thinking, talking like a New Yorker, comparing couch sizes. Next, she would ask how much rent he paid if she wasn’t careful.

Ben laughed at her response. _Glad you aren’t judging me for drinking this early in the day. I just had brunch with my family so I thought that a little detox was in order._

Rey paused, reading his message again. Brunch with his family. So, he had family here. Family could mean a lot of things. Mother, Father, siblings, ex-wife, his son. It was way too soon to get into such murky territory. She feared if she asked him how it went, it would open the door to questions about her own family. Plus, they had just started talking so it might be a little weird to ask him how things were with his Mother.

“Keep it casual, Rey,” she said aloud to herself. Ollie was at the kitchen table drawing, taping and gluing pieces of paper and cardboard together. It was screen-free time, much to her dismay.

Another message came through before she could respond.

_Yeah, my hair is a little too long. I’m overdue for a trim._

Rey shook her head even though he couldn’t see her.

_No, no, no, it’s perfect just the way it is!_

Too bossy? Too forward? It was too late now to take it back.

Ben chuckled. They were flirting. It was so fun that he forgot to feel silly or question himself.

He drained the remainder of his beer and sat up, his socked feet touching the floor. He leaned forward, putting his empty bottle down on the floor, using both his hands to type now.

_Would it be too soon to ask for your number? I much prefer texting over messaging on here. That is, assuming you would like to continue chatting…_

_I was just texting you the same question! You read my mind._

Rey typed her number and sent it. She waited all of three seconds before he sent her a text, the blue bubble popping up at the top of her IPhone.

_Ah, much better. I trust this is your real number._ _J_

Rey smiled, rolled her eyes and started typing.

_It is! But fair question._

She got up to walk around her living room now, passing by Ollie in the kitchen and ruffling the back of her daughter’s hair on her way to the bedroom, aimless, restless.

Rey flopped down on her bed on her back, holding the phone up to read and type.

There was nothing for a while and she started to get worried that he had lost interest but then scolded herself for being so ridiculous.

Another text came up and her stomach rose up through her lungs. She felt fifteen again.

_I mostly text my Uncle, my friend from college and my paralegal so forgive me if I’m not very good at this._

_No worries. There’s only so much you can say via text. I mean, you can’t really write poetry on here, you know?_

Ben smirked, getting up from the couch to walk toward the kitchen for another beer.

_Are you a poet? That wasn’t mentioned in your profile unless I somehow missed it._

Rey actually giggled, then covered her mouth.

_Sadly no, you would be very disappointed if I tried to write any poetry and shared it with you. No, I think Doctor and Mum are enough for now. And I make a killer martini._

Ben looked at the open beer bottle in his hand and wished more than anything it was an ice-cold martini instead; shaken within an inch of its life that she had made for him after work, undoing his tie and grabbing her around the waist in the kitchen, kissing her with gin tinted lips. He would make dinner and she would make a second round of drinks while they listened to jazz or classical music.

Ben blinked, looking out the kitchen window. Where had his mind just gone? He’d created a fantasy life in the span of seconds.

Rey blinked out of some strange reprieve that had placed him in her kitchen while she made martinis after work, he would cook dinner and kiss her as a thank you for the drink while music played on low from the living room.

She sat up right on the bed, phone still in her hand.

“This is fucking crazy,” she muttered. “You haven’t even met the man.”

She saw that he had responded.

_Doctor and Mom seem like more than enough to me. And I’ll hold you to that promise of a martini one day._

He was in turns shy and bold. Rey felt her head spinning.

_I know its last minute, but are you free tonight? Or tomorrow? I’m sure you already have weekend plans so no pressure. I just thought I would ask._

Ben paced the space of his kitchen, drinking bigger gulps with each step once the message was sent. Now he really sounded desperate, needy.

He was in the middle of typing that he had been kidding, to disregard what he had said, that he didn’t mean it when her reply popped up. He had already saved her name in his phone.

_I have my daughter tonight and tomorrow and well, every night. I could try and get a baby sitter but it might be tricky. But I’m totally free Friday night and know my sitter could stop by. She keeps Fridays free for us most of the time._

Ben would have Tristian Friday. But maybe Poe could babysit. He owed him at least 20 favors.

He bit his lower lip, flipping open his calendar. Endless meetings and projects due this week as usual; it was all a blur to him suddenly; something to wade through. He responded before he could text Poe.

_Friday is perfect. I’m off at 5._

Rey breathed a sigh of relief; she wouldn’t have to scramble to find a baby sitter. But now there was more time before she could meet this person. There was now an entire week to think and plan and worry, a whole week for excitement to turn to nervousness. But this was what she had wanted. She was saying yes, and not no.

_Great! My shift at the hospital ends at 6 on Friday so I’m sure we can come up with a plan between now and then._

Ben stared at his phone for a while before responding. It felt as if there was time to fill in the normal way before he met Rey, and now there was time to fill in a completely different way. Now there were days, minutes and hours to distract himself until Friday; a check list of work, errands and down time that morphed into a haze of time similar to lucid sleep.

_Sounds good._

He paused. He wanted to keep talking. This was a first for him.

Rey was still sitting upright on her bed, unsure what to say next. She wanted to keep talking. But there was Ollie.

_I have to go be Mum now. Talk soon?_

Ben nodded; he understood.

_Of course. I’ll be here._

Rey held her phone against the side of her face, getting up from the bed, barefoot, almost skipping into the kitchen to kiss Ollie on the top of her head.

“You’re happy,” Ollie observed, coloring a dragon with a red crayon.

Rey played with her daughter’s hair, standing behind her.

“Mummy is happy. Very, very happy.”

Rey looked down at her phone, still smiling. In the midst of all her good feelings, she had forgotten to ask what his actual name was.

Ben tossed the empty bottle into the blue recycle bin under the kitchen sink. He walked back into the living room with a lighter step, jazz still humming in the walls around him. He pulled out a book to read from the shelf against the wall beside the couch. Before flipping it open, he fired off a quick text to his Uncle.

_Just wanted to say thanks for making brunch happen. It’s been a good day._

_~ ~ ~_

“Cancel whatever plans you have for Friday, you have to watch Trin for me,” Ben announced first thing on Monday morning. Poe had poked his head in Ben’s office with a bag of Dunkin’ Donuts munchkins and two coffees.

Ben was sitting at his desk, laptop open. He had gotten into work early which wasn’t unusual for him but after an early morning run and shower, he wanted to get into the office to fill up his mind with case notes and client meetings. He needed time to pass quickly.

Rey had texted him good morning. There was no way he could go back to sleep after that.

Two words had gotten him out of bed and pushed him into the day without effort. They were the first thing he’d seen upon rolling over to check his phone at 6:00 a.m. It still felt unreal. He had responded in kind with good morning and two coffee cup emoji’s.

They’d spent the day before, on Sunday, chatting off and on, like two anxious teenagers, stealing time where they could.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Friday? What if I have plans? What if I have a hot date or 2?”

Ben shrugged, typing away on his laptop.

“Too bad. You owe me.”

“I owe you? For what?” Poe’s tone was indignant.

Ben looked up at him.

“For years and years of bailing you out of bad dates, for giving you your first job out of law school, for being your wingman since we were 19, for being your pretend boyfriend when a former hook up comes into any bar we’re in, for...”

Poe held up his free hand. “Okay, okay, okay. I get it. Fine, Friday, I’m all yours.”

“Great.” Ben closed his laptop. “You can head over after work. You have a key.” He stood up.

“I have a client meeting in the Flatiron conference room,” he said walking to the door, laptop in hand. Poe stopped him with a look and a hand on his arm.

“Wait a second. What are you up to on Friday? Is this sun hat woman?”

Ben laughed, ducking his head a bit under Poe’s gaze.

“It’s Rey, yeah.”

Poe opened his mouth but Ben cut him off, looking down at his friend.

“So yes, I have a date. From Bumble. With Rey.” He reached over to grab one of the coffees and the bag of munchkins from Poe’s hand.

“And I’m taking these.”

He walked out of his office with Poe left staring after him, mouth still open.

“A date _and_ donuts? Now you owe _me,_ Solo!”

~ ~ ~

Rey and Ben spent the entire week chatting whenever they could. Rey would text at her desk in-between dictating notes or hide out in the corner of the hallway or break room before and after seeing patients, covering her mouth with one hand to conceal the grin that seemed to appear when seeing his name pop up on the screen.

She had learned earlier in the week that his actual name was Ben. He had simply corrected her when she called him Ren in conversation.

_It’s Ben._

_Oh, I’m sorry. I just assumed…_

_No worries._

And that had been that. She didn’t ask any further questions and he offered no further information. She figured it was just a user name and let it go.

 **Ben**. She tried the word out on her lips while walking to work from the subway Friday morning.

**Benjamin.**

She liked the sound of it. She had imagined what their first meeting would be like later that evening a thousand times in her head. They had agreed to meet at her favorite dim sum restaurant in Chinatown for dinner and drinks after work. The babysitter was all arranged. She knew what she was going to wear. Now she just had to get through the day. She had made sure to have her nurse schedule back to back appointments and consultations so the time would fly.

Ben had smiled when Rey sent him a link to the dim sum place in Chinatown; much better than a cramped Italian place with cloth napkins and too much cheese on everything.

He had been sitting in his office at work when the text came through. He pulled it up on his laptop to get a better look at the menu, and then looked up the restaurant on Google maps to see what else was nearby. He was already planning to extend the date as long as possible, hoping that was okay with her; hoping that things went well. His mouth watered at the menu she had sent him.

Ben only let himself look at his watch or his phone once an hour. Rey’s day was divided into half hour blocks where she saw patients and then paperwork after.

On her way out of the office, Finn stopped her in the hall with a smile.

“Have fun tonight,” He hummed, shoulder against the wall.

Rey pushed a strand of hair behind her ear that had shaken loose from her braid over the course of the day.

“I will. I mean, I hope I will.”

“You’ll text me as soon as it’s over?”

Rey nodded. “Always. And during if it sucks so you can call me as my dear cousin who is sick and in the hospital.”

Finn laughed, shook his head. “You’ve been a different person this week. I could barely get you to look away from your phone. It won’t suck.”

Rey stood on tip toe to kiss her friend on the cheek; something she’d never done before. Finn didn’t try to conceal his look of surprise.

“Wow, if this is the result of this guy in your life, maybe he should stick around.”

Rey laughed and left her friend standing there, smiling after her.

She practically ran to the subway and then walked as quickly as she could to her apartment. She let Ollie have mac and cheese and chicken fingers for dinner because it was Friday and it was easy for the babysitter to make. She debated making herself a drink to calm down, but decided against it. She wanted to go into this with a clear head, totally herself.

Once in her bedroom, after a quick shower, she pulled on the outfit she had chosen that morning, eager to shed herself of her scrubs and trainers; a wine colored, body fitting V-neck cashmere sweater, black skinny jeans that came just above her ankle. She stepped into dark red ankle boots and tossed on some of her favorite jewelry; a ruby ring, a simple necklace with a sword pendant.

She looked in the mirror. She left her hair down for once, waves and straight ends hitting her collar bone. She kept her make-up light.

She shrugged on a black velvet coat and grabbed her purse by the front door, bending down to kiss and hug Ollie hard.

“You smell good,” Ollie observed, hands still on her Mom’s hips.

“Thanks baby doll,” Rey said against the crown of her daughter’s head.

“Be good for Claire,” Rey said smiling at the baby sitter who was busy cleaning up the kitchen.

“I will, I will. Please be good too,” Ollie said in a sing-song voice. “Have fun with your friend.”

Rey looked up at Claire again, catching her wicked gaze.

“Time to let Mommy go,” Claire said from the kitchen, digging into the candy bowl as a bribe.

Rey watched her daughter run toward the promise of Kit Kats and Skittles, her mother an afterthought already. She left their apartment, boots walking quickly on the sidewalk, the tips of her hair still a little damp against soft fabric and skin. 

~ ~ ~

Ben arrived first, having run home to change into dark jeans and a navy sweater, his favorite black pea coat. Poe had arrived on time for once and launched into a video game with Trin, the two of them barely saying a word to him as he got ready to leave.

“Order whatever you want from Seamless. You can use my account,” Ben said on his way out the door.

“Already planned on it!” Poe had responded in kind. 

He settled into a booth against the wall and opened the menu, having ordered a beer and a glass of water. He took a few deep breaths to slow his heart rate and focus on the words and pictures in front of him. He wished he had asked her what she wanted to drink.

He had just taken out his phone to text her when he looked up, some sort of automatic response, a never before used muscle memory that caused him to look at the door as it opened, somehow knowing it would be her.

She slid in-between the people waiting for a table, smiling in apology over her shoulder and made her way over to him, waving.

He was on his feet, nearly knocking over his beer in the process. He grabbed it just in time and waved in return, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he muttered to himself, smiling, joints and muscles coiled around themselves as he watched her come to him. He was torn between wanting the floor to swallow him whole and running across the tiny restaurant to grab her, hands on her hips and in her hair.

She was real and she was here, walking towards him.

Rey was now in front of him, arms out, leaning in for a hug. He bent down and felt his bones crackle with quiet sparks at her touch.

Rey leaned against his body easily, his large frame enclosing around her. She felt some sense of warmth and comfort instantly. She had never done this before. She’d started some dates with a bloody handshake. 

“Gosh, you really are tall!” She said against his shoulder. She let herself notice his smell; woodsy and clean.

She pulled back, startled with her own reaction, still holding onto his elbows with both hands. She was torn between running out the door and falling to her knees, bringing him with her, prisoners in this new world together.

“It’s so good to finally see you…meet you.” Ben paused, still smiling.

“I got us a table,” He said gesturing beside him.

Rey nodded.

“It’s perfect, thank you.”

Ben wanted to crawl inside the word perfect coming from her and stay there.

She slid into the seat across from him and nodded toward his beer.

“Did you order one for me?”

Ben opened his mouth, an apology at the ready, but she stopped him, shaking her head and laughing.

“I’m kidding! You didn’t know. But they do have a pretty decent beer selection here. Just don’t order the cocktails.”

Ben nodded, pulling the bottle into his hand.

“Why no cocktails?” He felt himself grow roots, earth bound, now that she was here. He was settled, contented, nerves now a distant memory.

Rey laughed. “Well, they only do gin and tonics and a lychee martini. The good news is, they’re both so strong you only need two to pull up a spot on the floor and wonder where your life went.”

Ben barked out a laugh. “Let’s get a round for the table,” he said only half-joking.

The waiter came and Rey looked at Ben over the top of her menu.

“I know what I want but since we’re sharing…”

Ben motioned for her to go ahead. “Please, order whatever you like. I’ll eat anything.”

Rey laughed. “Good.”

Ben watched her order for the two of them, and before the waiter left he held up two fingers.

“Two lychee martinis, please.”

Rey looked at him across the table.

“You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into,” she warned.

Ben looked at her, drinking from his glass of beer.

“I always know what I’m getting into.” He let the sentence hang between them.

Rey picked up the paper from the straw he had in his water, rolling it between her fingers.

“So, Benjamin…” She got to say his name again, this time to him, looking at him,; only a small amount of space between them.

“Mmm?” He had his arms on the table, bent at the elbow, leaning towards her. He seemed to take up all of the space around him. She saw one of his legs stretched out beside their table, too long to fit underneath.

“Bumble huh?” 

Ben sat back, laughing, his shoulders relaxed.

“I’m very new to it. You’re actually the only person I’ve met from there, or even talked to.”

Rey looked surprised. She was.

“Really? Why?”

Ben shrugged.

“I’ve matched with people but…” Another shrug. “I have a very busy life that not many people understand.”

Rey nodded, understanding.

“And having a kid…”

Ben’s gaze focused, and then softened, waiting for her to continue.

“It can be off putting, you know. Doctor, single Mom…all people hear when they read that is that they come second.”

Ben nodded.

“Which they do, but…” Rey didn’t finish her sentence as their lychee martinis were set down in front of them.

Ben held up his drink, and Rey did the same. She loved the image of him, so large, holding a martini glass between his thumb and finger.

“What should we toast to?” She asked.

Ben thought about it for a moment.

“To dim sum and single parenting…to child support and…” He paused and looked at Rey.

“To baby sitters and strong drinks…”

Ben was laughing, careful not to spill his drink. It was clear with lychees having settled at the bottom. He could smell the liquor from his seat.

“To dating apps and Chinatown.”

Rey was laughing now, full on, from some place deep inside her that was shaken loose, some sort of barrier cracked.

“To this crazy world we live in and to…. tonight,” Rey concluded.

Their glasses met, and each took a long sip, Ben’s face twisting much to Rey’s delight.

“You weren’t kidding, holy shit,” he breathed, pulling away from the glass.

Rey took another sip, stoic and smug, pleased at his temporary shock.

“It’s only beginning,” she teased.

Ben looked at her, the alcohol hitting his body instantly, warming him from the inside. The booth had suddenly become a world of two, the noise of the restaurant far away, the people now invisible.

“Yes. It is,” he agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part II of Ben and Rey's first date (and so much more) in the next chapter! Thank you again to everyone for the comments and kudos--you have no idea how much they help! x


	6. Castles Made of Sand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey's first date continues on the streets of New York City. Ben returns to work to find yet another tedious assignment from Hux that leads him down paths both illuminated and dark.

Rey looked at Ben sitting across from her, larger than life, but every thought and emotion seemed to play out on his face, across his broad features without him noticing. He was animated when he talked about something that excited him, but still and quiet as he listened, intent, leaning forward to catch every word.

The table was covered with food and they both dug in eagerly. Rey realized she had barely eaten anything all day. She had to follow her own advice and be careful since she had downed her martini on an empty stomach.

Ben found himself never sure where to look while Rey was speaking. His gaze naturally drifted down to her lips. Sometimes he would notice the way she tucked her hair behind her ear. His eye caught the sword pendant hanging from her neck and he filed it away for later, wanting to know what it meant to her.

Ben motioned towards her plate with one of his chopsticks, asking what something was that he didn’t recognize.

“This?” Rey pointed at her plate with her own chopstick. “It’s eel.”

Ben made a face.

“I thought you said you were adventurous when it came to food!” Rey picked up a piece with her chopstick and wiggled it near his face.

“Just try it. You can’t hate it without knowing what it tastes like.” Rey urged him.

Ben looked down at the food in front of him, suspicious but unable to say no.

“Okay, okay. Fine.”

He leaned forward, his lips meeting the end of Rey’s chopstick, taking the piece of food in all at once. He made a show of it, chewing slowly. Her reaction was worth it. She was laughing, hand covering her mouth, looking at him as he chewed, eyes lit up; pleased.

“So? What do you think?”

Ben nodded, still chewing, trying not to laugh.

Rey leaned forward in her seat, bouncing her leg up and down under the table.

“Well? The anticipation is killing me!”

Ben held up his hand, about to burst. When he finally stopped chewing, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“That…was maybe one of the worst things I’ve ever tasted in my entire life.”

Rey exploded with laughter, head tossed back.

“But it was _amazing_ to witness!”

“You actually like that stuff?” Ben took a large gulp from his glass of water.

Rey nodded. “I told you, I like everything.” She paused, thinking for a moment. “Except bananas.”

Now Ben was laughing. “So, you’ll eat eel, but not bananas. The texture is pretty much the same.”

Rey shook her head, still smiling. “You have so much to learn.”

Ben swirled a noodle around his plate with both chopsticks and looked at her.

“I’m a willing student.”

Rey flushed all over at his words, finding herself rattled; unsure how to respond.

The waiter came by then and Ben ordered two more martinis.

Rey groaned, but she was smiling. “You’re going to get me in so much trouble.” 

Ben put on his best innocent face. It was a good one, she had to admit; wide eyed, hands up, shaking his head from side to side. She caught herself staring at the way his hair touched his jaw line as it moved.

“You’re the one who told me about these delicious drinks. You brought me to this place full of amazing food, minus the eels. You’ve left me no choice.”

Rey opened her mouth and then closed it. She’d never been on a date quite like this before; before or since her marriage had ended.

She wasn’t used to a date where the conversation was this easy, where she could be herself with no fear of awkward silence or judgement. She didn’t have to worry about having something explained to her that she already knew or the need to fill silences when both people had run out of things to say. No, with Ben, they often talked over one another, each eager to jump in and share, but just as ready to listen to the other person and all the things they had to say.

A few times, they had even finished one another sentences.

Rey’s head was spinning and not from the lychee martinis, the second of which now sat in front of her. There was a quiet storm in her brain; so much information to take in at once that she could hardly catch up with her own thoughts. She was racing through every sentence, but savoring each moment they sat across from each other. 

But then, she had known it would go this way. She had known from the moment she first saw Ben’s picture on the train, the one his son had taken. It sounded silly, after all, it was just a photo on a dating app, and this was real life, not the movies, but it was true.

She’d just had a feeling. And her gut feelings were never wrong.

Still, there was an anxiousness there mixed with the excitement over someone new. She wasn’t at all ready to jump into something serious so soon after her marriage ended. This was all supposed to be casual, a grand experiment.

Rey felt something akin to a low blow in the pit of her stomach, remembering Chloe’s casual admission she had a girlfriend. It wasn’t that she had given a damn about Chloe, she had not. It was the feeling of being so casually regarded, of not knowing better. That had been the final feeling of rejection that reminded Rey that this was something to pass the time. Never again would she be made a fool by someone so casually, especially by someone, anyone she barely knew. 

Rey shook her head to loosen her thoughts and bring them back to the present.

“Where did you go?” Ben was looking at her across the table now.

Rey attempted a small laugh. “Oh, sometimes my mind just wanders.” She shrugged, downing the rest of her drink.

Ben was still looking at her.

“Where did it wander off to this time?”

Rey didn’t expect him to keep asking about her, his curiosity not intrusive, but genuine. It surprised her. 

“Um..well…” Rey was fiddling with her empty martini glass, rolling the stem between two fingers.

“Not much, really. Just how crazy this whole dating thing is.”

Ben tilted his head to the side. “Crazy how?” 

He wasn’t giving up so easily. Rey didn’t know whether she wished he would or if she was grateful someone cared enough to ask.

She let out a long sigh. “I’ve just had a string of not so great dates since moving to New York. I wasn’t expecting much, but…”

“But you didn’t expect to come face to face with every handsome lunatic in Manhattan?”

Rey laughed. He had let the air out of the room, somehow lowering the pressure all around her. She felt her shoulders relax back into the booth. 

“Thankfully you’re only one of the two so far.”

Ben’s eyebrows raised. “Is it that obvious I’m a lunatic?”

Rey glanced up to see if he was serious but she could now see he was holding back a fit of laughter behind his fist.

“Ugh, what am I going to do with you?” Rey shook her head, her body feeling lighter now because of the booze, because of Ben.

Ben looked contemplative for a moment.

“You could….come with me to a wine place I like in the village.”

Rey did her own impression of being in deep thought, pointer finger held up to her chin. 

“Let’s see…I think I can manage that.”

They asked for the check and Rey snatched it away before Ben could grab it. Ben’s hand lay on top of hers and neither moved.

“Too slow,” Rey said in a sing song voice, slapping her cash down on the table on top of the paper bill. “It’s my treat since I suggested we come here.”

Ben laughed. “That makes no sense, but okay. I’ll let you win this time.”

Rey raised an eyebrow. “You’ll _let_ me?”

They rose to go, Ben holding the door open for Rey, his hand and arm high above her, grabbing onto metal and glass.

Out on the street, the Friday night crowd was alive and well, the relief of another week coming to an end causing a palpable energy around them. Ben grabbed Rey’s hand to help navigate their way through the masses. Rey was laughing when they managed to escape and turned onto a quieter street, headed west.

Ben was still holding onto her hand.

They had decided to walk since the evening was so nice; cool but not too cold, autumn surrendering a bit of her power to the last grasp of summer.

“Remember being that young and ridiculous?” Rey asked as her arm touched his.

Ben shook his head, looking down at her as they walked. His voice was gentle in the dark.

“Seems like light years ago.”

They weaved in and out of street lights, dim yellow signs in Chinese and Japanese beside banks and smoking, fragrant street cards of food. They laughed at inside jokes unspoken but shared and ran across crosswalks in unison, holding onto one another for dear life.

Their bodies felt light with the ease and intake of alcohol, despite all the food they had eaten. They weren’t drunk; they were in the midst of that perfect in-between feeling that is so often sought after; the just-before span of time where there was only light and careless motion; where there was only the feeling of freedom and lack of limitations physical or mental.

It was everything both of them wanted.

A band was playing on the sidewalk as they approached, likely tossed out of the subway by the police who had nothing better to do. There was an open guitar case in front of them, sitting on a grubby rug. They were playing what sounded like a mix of samba and jazz, right at the border of two neighborhoods with nearly nothing in common.

It all made sense somehow as things only did in New York City, as things only did when you weren’t paying attention.

Rey grabbed hold of Ben’s hand even tighter than before, leading him over the band, their feet nearing the edge of the sidewalk, nearly in the street. He held onto her for support, shaking his head.

“Wait, no. No, no, no, no way. Rey…”

It was quite a sight, his large frame, pulling back from her, digging his heels into nothing but concrete. She was holding onto both of his hands now.

“Oh come on, Ben! No one you know is going to see you!”

“That’s not the point!” He looked around. He wouldn’t be surprised if Poe walked by just then. He would fall over laughing and probably push Ben out of the way to dance with Rey instead.

“Then what is it?” Rey asked, laughing, moving her hips to the beat, bringing him with her, their feet on the rug now.

“I don’t dance. The last time I danced was…”

“At your wedding?” Rey was just tipsy enough to say it, already knowing it was true.

Ben looked past her at the band for just a moment and back to her face again.

“Yeah, I guess that was the last time. Maybe a little drunk dancing at the holiday party for work but there are no pictures to prove it.”

Rey wasn’t taking no for an answer. She pulled him into her, wrapping his arms around her waist where he stopped resisting. She led the way, and Ben’s body gave in, desperate for contact.

“Oh my god, you really are terrible at this!” Rey exclaimed.

She placed one hand on his lower back, moving their hips even closer together until they were touching; no space to be found between them.

“Just move with me,” she instructed, guiding his body along with hers.

Ben licked his lips, looking at her face. He let his mind blur out the sight of the band playing behind them, the small crowd that had gathered on either side who were clapping along, the people who were dancing too.

He lifted his feet off the ground, first his heel and then his toes, mimicking her movements, his arms still wrapped around her. He realized they were as close they could possibly be and there was nowhere to go without her. He was all too happy to follow.

Rey’s hands were on his shoulders now, looking up at him as they danced, moving their hips and feet along to the beat, a makeshift samba dance on the sidewalk. Ben wondered if they might just float away.

“Is this okay?” Rey asked, her eyes wide, childlike.

Ben nodded, afraid if he were to speak he would say more than he should, that he would say things that would send her running off into the night.

Rey was thinking the same thing at the exact same moment, watching Ben dance just for her, not just anywhere but on a crowded street in the middle of New York City. She watched his smile dart in and out of the street light, his head bent down at times to watch his feet then looking at her again, a mixture of pleasure and curiosity, seeking approval with each step, each movement. She knew if she let her tongue unfurl the things inside her head she could never take them back.

She nodded, waiting until she knew it was safe to speak.

“You’re not half bad,” her voice was quiet. Ben bent down to better hear her.

“You’re not half bad,” she repeated, not raising her voice, letting her words sit against his ear.

He pulled back to look at her, letting out a huff of laughter against her cheek.

He pulled back further, Rey instantly missing the contact of their bodies, but momentary grief was soon replaced with surprise as he made a move to spin her around, twirling her in the street.

Rey laughed at full volume, the sound matching his laughter, the distant moon observing them above hazy neon. She was tempted to howl at the stars, but before she could gather a thought, Ben swept her up and onto his back in a fireman’s hold, tossing cash with his free hand into the open guitar case for their enchanted band. They headed off and away, down the street, Ben nearly running, Rey stretched across his back.

“Ben! You’re crazy!” Rey screamed his name over and over again, false protests falling on deaf ears as he carried her down block after block.

He deposited Rey safely on the ground a few blocks from the wine bar, pushing his hair out of his face. He was laughing, pleased with himself. He had carried through her Chinatown and half of SoHo and was barely out of breath.

Rey grabbed his shoulders, kissing him with the full force of her body on a tree lined street, standing on tip toe; a bold move balanced on delicate feet.

Ben’s body collapsed against hers, relief flooding his bones. His hands found her back, pulling her closer, gin and spice on her lips, on her tongue.

She pulled away to look at him, his chest bumping into her, his mouth still partially open, searching, lost.

“I wanted to do that right after you spun me around.” Rey was breathless from shouting, from the kiss, from dancing without abandon in the middle of Canal Street.

Ben didn’t answer; he simply pulled her back toward him for another kiss, this time lifting her off of the sidewalk with one arm.

Rey pretended for a moment they could fly.

When he set her back down, his fingers ran beneath the sword pendant that lay against her sweater. It was so small in his hand.

“Why do you wear this?” His own voice was hollowed out, ragged with desire.

Rey looked down and back up at him as people passed by, walking around them as they stood in the middle of the sidewalk, not noticing the barrier they caused, time standing still as they entered one another’s universes in a new way.

“I bought it right before I left for the states,” she swallowed, still looking at him. He still held the pendant in his hand, waiting for her to go on.

“I’m a fighter,” she managed, smiling, eyes fluttering off to the side for a moment.

“It reminds me to…never give up on myself.”

Ben’s face didn’t change as he let the pendant go, letting his arm find its way around her waist once again.

“Let’s go,” he whispered, leading her down the street toward the wine bar, Rey leaning her head against his arm, their walk subdued, peaceful, a bridge or two crossed in one evening, an admission of something Ben already knew.

Once inside they found two spots at the bar, Ben pulling out a stool for her and pushing her under once she was settled, his chin resting on her shoulder which made her laugh, kissing his cheek.

Rey watched as Ben spoke to the bartender he knew, ordering a bottle of red from New Zealand that he knew she would love. The bartender brought the bottle to the bar along with two glasses. They toasted not for the first time that evening, this time to being lucky enough to find seats at a crowded bar in the West Village.

They talked even more than they had at the restaurant, Ben asking all about her work, pulling up pictures of Ollie and Trin on their phones after the first bottle was done and the second was on its way. Ben thought Ollie had Rey’s nose and eyes, Rey thought Trin had Ben’s hair and smile, slight rabbit teeth and sharp, pointed fangs at each side which belied a secret happiness one had to work for.

After the second bottle, Rey realized the space around them was now empty.

“Wow, I haven’t closed a bar since I was in medical school,” she said, delightfully drunk, her hands on Ben’s knees as they faced one another. He rubbed her shoulders.

Ben laughed. “Hopefully the drinks were much better this time.”

Rey nodded, taking in Ben all at once. “Everything is better this time.”

He reached up to massage her shoulder and Rey leaned into the sensation, letting a tiny moan escape her lips.

“I’m so glad I don’t have to work tomorrow,” she sighed.

Ben nodded. He imagined Trin at home in bed for hours now, Poe curled up on the couch hopefully, but more than likely sprawled across Ben’s bed, snoring. Ben would have to either sleep on the couch or shove Poe aside so he had room on one side of his own bed. It wouldn’t be the first time.

“I wish…” Ben let the sentence go, not needing to finish it for Rey’s sake or his own. He wanted to suggest that they go somewhere to be together for the few hours that remained; that they go to one another’s home maybe in a perfect world, maybe somewhere else entirely, neither ready to end the evening.

Rey nodded.

“Me too.”

They walked out of the bar hand in hand, Ben picking up the tab this time and leaving a handsome tip.

“I see why you’re a favorite here,” Rey commented as they walked toward the subway. It was just past 2 a.m. and they debated for a moment whether or not to take a car. They were going in opposite directions. Rey was already imagining the large glass of water and aspirin she would need when she got home. She couldn’t wait to curl up in Ollie’s bed and fall asleep next to her.

Rey shook her head.

“Let’s ride the train together to 14th and transfer.”

Ben nodded and they walked together in comfortable silence, a thousand lifetimes lived in the course of a single evening but neither were worn down, neither was exhausted by the other. The date felt as if it had lasted mere minutes and years all at once.

Had they really only met hours before?

“There will lots of next times,” Ben said against the top of her head as they waited on the subway platform. He said it as much for himself as for Rey. She was standing in front of him, his arms wrapped around her from behind, her head on his arm where it felt it had always been.

She didn’t respond as their train came, and they stepped on, the car crowded as the vampires and werewolves headed home from their sorted fairy tale adventures.

There were no two seats together, so Ben and Rey sat across from each other, facing one another, too tired, things too hazy to stand. They looked at one another as people came and went at each stop, sharing the last few moments together in silence.

As the train rattled uptown, Ben’s legs stretched as far as they could just to be near her once the coast was clear. Rey’s legs were crossed, hands on her knees where Ben's hands should be. They shared a smile across the empty aisle.

~ ~ ~

Hux was waiting in Ben’s office when he arrived for work Monday morning.

Ben stopped in the doorway, slowly removing his messenger bag from his shoulder and holding it in his hand.

“Good morning, Arms.” His voice was measured seeing Hux’s annoyed face. This was nothing new but he decided to tread lightly just in case.

“How are you this morning?” Ben’s words were calm and composed as he made his way to his desk, setting his bag on top and removing his laptop, connecting it to the charger and pulling out his chair to sit in.

Hux sighed.

“We’re being audited.” 

Ben shrugged. “Okay. I’m sure you have everything in order.” Law firms were often audited for a host of reasons. It was nothing unusual and certainly no cause for Hux to be in his office before 8:00 a.m.

Ben stood there, removing his black velvet suit jacket, hanging it on the back of his chair. He rolled up the sleeves of his light blue dress shirt, waiting for Hux to speak.

“Well, this time it’s all hands on deck. It’s a big one, Solo.” Hux got up with an arm full of file folders Ben hadn’t noticed and an outdated laptop under the other.

Ben nodded toward the door, rolling up the sleeve on his right arm now. “Have Zorrii do it. She’s killer at catching all my fuck up’s.” 

Hux shook his head. “No, they’re going way back. They’re really fucking us this time. It has to be complete by next week.” He put the folders and laptops down on Ben’s desk with a thud. 

“I need you to go through some of your Father’s old case files.” He motioned toward the table. “Some are digital, some are paper. I’ve emailed you a check list of things to check for and I’ve sent a calendar reminder for when it’s due. You know how New York State is.”

Ben sighed, hands on his hips.

“Poe can’t do this?”

“He has his own pile of fun things to read.” Hux headed for the door and stopped to look at Ben.

“Don’t put this off until the last minute, please.”

Ben had his laptop open, already scrolling through emails, marking some important, deleting the rest.

“Yeah, yeah I heard you.”

He waited until Hux was gone to pull his phone from his pants pocket to text Rey. He knew she would be on her way to work. They had texted good morning as they did every day now, with coffee and bagel or croissant emoji’s. He looked forward to it as soon as his alarm went off.

_My coworkers are at it bright and early this morning. Why do I do this to myself?_

A few minutes later, a response came.

_Because you love it? Because you have a mortgage to pay?_

Ben smirked.

_Let’s go with the later._

Rey sent a sad smiley in return and Ben wanted to tell her right then and there how much he really wasn’t passionate about being a lawyer, about how it was what was expected of him and how his Father had given him no choice. He had to carry on the family legacy as the only child. How he was in his early 30’s and felt a good portion of his life had and was slipping away in conference rooms and on planes to meet clients he hated.

Instead he typed; _Want to_ _play hooky instead? I think there’s ice cream and a morning movie in our future._

_Ha ha, I wish. Lots of patients today and surgery this afternoon. But I’ll be here, as always. X_

Ben smiled, rubbing a hand across his chin. For a moment he let himself envy her. She loved what she did. Rey always knew she wanted to be a Doctor, a surgeon and now she was. He wondered what it like to feel fulfilled in that way; to come home at the end of the day, bone tired but happy, knowing you did your best that you gave everything you had towards something you gave a damn about.

Ben sighed for the hundredth time that morning and turned back to his laptop, resting his fingers on the warm, flat keys but not moving. He looked over the pile of papers and dusty, old laptops Hux had left on his desk. He must have dug them up from one of the cabinets in the file room since his Father never got rid of anything; or maybe Han himself had them dropped off at Hux’s request. There was a lot that went on in the office that Ben purposely stayed out of in order to keep his sanity and peace of mind.

His mind waded through all of the ways he could outsource the work. He pulled up the checklist from his email. This was going to take all day, maybe all week depending on what the rest of his work load looked like.

Ben was clicking through his calendar blocking off time to actually work on this nonsense when another text came through from Rey. He saw that it was an image and he opened it quickly as possible.

It was a photo of her at work, hair pulled back in a messy bun, the tops of her scrubs showing, her hospital lanyard around her neck. She was smiling.

 _You got this. I know you do._ _J_

Ben leaned back in his chair and stared at the picture. Her skin was glowing, her smile genuine. She was in what looked like her office. He smiled so wide he was sure his skin would peel right off the bones. This was the first time she had sent him a picture of herself.

He wished he was there, walking past hospital admission and the receptionist with purpose, coat flying behind him side to side, walking right into her office that he knew she shared with her friend Finn, no need to introduce himself. He would bend down and kiss her cheek, whisper something in her ear just for her and take her away, leading her out of the office, out of the building by the hand.

Once on the street he would put them in a car headed anywhere but here, out of the City, taking her anywhere she wanted to go.

Maybe they wouldn’t come back.

They would send away for Ollie and Trin and escape to somewhere sunny and warm where no one could reach them. They would survive on strong drinks, pineapple and mangoes and ocean water, reading aloud to one another bits of books they loved at bedtime, waking up next to one another each morning knowing the entire day was theirs to do with as they pleased. They would never wear real clothes again. Trin and Ollie would build sandcastles the size of the Empire State building. 

Ben imagined waking her up every morning, wrapped in clean, white sheets, her hair down, mixed with sand and sea salt, his head on her chest under the thin sheet, black hair on tanned skin, now safe from winters and pollution.

He would watch her sleep for a while, before gently tucking his mouth into her neck, letting his lips lay on her skin, causing her to stir slightly. Maybe he would fall back to sleep, but probably not as he had her entire body beside and beneath him to worship.

He closed his eyes, letting his phone go dark, allowing Rey’s picture to fade, instead focusing on the images in his mind for the moment.

He daydreamed of rolling her over or gently lying on top of her, whatever he knew she loved the most; spreading her open and across their endless bed. Ben could feel her warm skin surrounding him, delicate features that betrayed a strength and fierceness that was obvious from their first interaction with only words.

Ben ran a hand across the edge of his desk, imagining it was the curve of her hip. He dropped his hand to the top of his leg and let it rest there, spreading his fingers wide across his thigh. He would, he wanted to know every inch of her body.

 _That_ morning, the morning on their imaginary island that he held in his mind, his hand would travel down to her center where he would gently pull back and touch the place he wanted more than anything, and touch her until she awoke. Maybe she would feign sleep for a bit until she couldn’t. By then he would know her poker face in waking life and dreaming but he would play along. He would always surrender to whatever game or reality she laid out before him.

All of this because of a simple photo Rey had sent him.

Ben’s eyes opened at the sound of knocking on the glass walls of his office. It was Hux, pointing at the stack of files on his desk.

He wanted nothing more than to pick up the files and laptop and throw them straight through the glass that separated them but instead he glared at Hux as he walked away, shaking his head.

Ben’s vision was blurry as he looked at his calendar again. He would work through lunch.

~ ~ ~

Take-out from Ben’s favorite local Thai place sat on the desk between open folders. Ben looked over the papers in front of him, holding his chopsticks in mid-air as he flipped through them with his other hand, his Father’s familiar handwriting scribbled all over.

Ben looked back at the old laptop he had somehow managed to start up without needing to call their one IT person which was an accomplishment. He had to wait 20 minutes for it to completely boot up before beginning to sort through its folder of documents, some saved on the desktop, others in downloads, some only in email. The laptop was loud and ran hot on his desk glass top.

He guessed his Father’s password to his old work email on the first try; _HanSolo1977_ ; very original. His Father was a dinosaur who claimed that technology ruined the practice of law and that’s why he got out.

Ben blew on the keys to clear away crumbs and dust. He started typing words into the search bar in his Father’s email, taking time to mark things off on Hux’s endless checklist as he found the required documents. He had to keep guessing what his Father would have named certain things that had nothing to do with the actual case or client and he was right most of the time. He realized now why Hux had assigned this specific task to him.

After an hour of clearing out old emails, Ben sat back in his chair, staring at the same screen his Father had looked at. It was the strangest time warp he had experienced, some form of déjà vu.

He leaned forward again, scrolling down the inbox without purpose or reason; his eye stopping on a folder marked simply, _B_.

Ben clicked on the folder, expanding it to see there were only a few emails inside. He stopped scrolling when he saw his Grandfather’s old email address there, the only one inside the folder.

Without hesitation, Ben clicked on the first email, realizing it was the last in a chain of communication between his Father and Grandfather which struck him as strange.

He started at the beginning, quickly scanning the words each man had written the year before his Grandfather had passed.

_….all the holdings in the firm…inheritance depends on…will be given out over a certain amount of years…_

Ben stopped reading when he reached one of the last emails in the thread, his eyes catching on a word he couldn’t ignore.

_Ren._

He quickly read the rest of the sentence from his Grandfather to his Father. 

_I’ve done everything for my son and daughter and now you, and Ren, including paying for his time in law school in full to ensure that things stay afloat._

Ben clicked through to the next message, ice coating his spine.

_I started that firm with my own money; all of the holdings in the firm belong to me. My children’s inheritance depends on its success, on your success and now Ren’s. Money from my estate will be given out over a certain amount of years dependent entirely on the accomplishments of the firm over time…_

Ben stopped reading, slamming the laptop closed, its hinges groaning and creaking in protest. His entire body ran cold now. 

His eyes traveled to a photo on his desk of himself and his parents along with his Uncle Luke taken the summer before. He reached over, grabbing the frame and hurling it towards the opposite wall, glass meeting glass, watching it shatter, the photo drifting until it was lying face down on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you to anyone and everyone for the comments, subscriptions and kudos! Knowing what you all think, helps my muse more than you know. If you want to find me, I am on Tumblr, as Iknowthebattle where I post about Reylo but a host of other things too. Please come say hi! x


	7. We Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has a dream that's both familiar and brand new. Ben confronts Luke. Hux confronts Poe. Ben and Rey find solace in one another in a whole new way.

Ben and Rey were lying side by side on their backs on red and white striped beach towels. Rey’s arm was draped over her eyes to help block the sun; her aviators lying in the sand next to her head. Ben was wearing dark ray bans, hair pulled partially up at the back of his head using one of Rey’s hair ties, feet crossed at the ankle while he read a book by Tom Brokaw that his Father told him about.

Rey wore a white two-piece bathing suit; Ben in navy blue swimming trunks. These were the only clothes they wore nearly every day or some variation thereof.

Rey was stretched out, creamy skin turning pink at the tips of her shoulders and her nose. She would ask Ben to re-apply more sun screen to her back soon. She would sit in front of him as he moved her messy braid out of the way, over her shoulder. He would rub cool, white lotion all over her back, shoulders and upper arms, carefully applying it to the base and sides of her neck. He always made sure to plant a kiss on each shoulder before applying and rubbing in the lotion.

Rey would then return the favor.

They smelled like sunshine, lemon and coconut.

They could see and hear Tristian and Ollie playing in the water from here; Ben looking up over the edge of his book, Rey peeking out from beneath her arm.

But there was no need to monitor or keep a close watch. They were safe here.

The beach was deserted except for the four of them. The entire island had been for years. They were the only ones who lived here now. Maybe they were the only ones who had ever lived here.

It was the same island Rey had dreamed about for years, for most of her life in fact. She had always been alone on the island. It only came to visit her at night when she was at her most vulnerable, when her thoughts cloaked themselves in darkness and there were far too many of them to wrangle and hold still. The island was there when her head was both too quiet and too loud.

It had always been just for her, but now it was for all of them.

Every day was much the same, each somehow better than the last. They would wake up whenever they wanted, start the day at whatever time they felt like it. Their cozy beach house was full of books and music. Rey and Ben let Ollie and Tristian write on the wall of the staircase leading up to the attic, scribbles and quotes from their favorite books, each in their distinct, new handwriting. They made every meal together, simple food grown and harvested by their own hands. They measured time by books finished and setting suns, as the seasons never changed where they were.

Rey watched Ben now, standing from his place on the towel beside her. He pushed his sunglasses to the top of his head and looked out at the ocean, hands on his hips. She watched his chest and back rise and fall, noticed the curve of his hip bone as it wound its way beneath his torso. His toes spread on the sand and she watched as they curled back and forth. He was relaxed, not restless for something new. This was enough.

He looked over his shoulder at her now, smiling.

“Why don’t you join us?” he asks, his voice a soft echo against the waves.

Rey smiles, reaches up for his hand and he helps her to her feet.

“I would love to,” she says.

They are both standing in the sand now, side by side, holding hands when Ben moves to swiftly lift Rey off the ground, carrying her in front of him in both arms toward the water’s edge. She’s light in his arms and they’re both laughing, Rey studying Ben’s jagged teeth and full lips.

Tristian and Oille squeal with delight as they come nearer, Rey swinging her legs over the side of Ben’s arm, eager to be in the cool water. She can tell that he’s tempted to toss her in but instead sets her down gently in the low tide, holding onto her hips as the kids come running up to them, their long strides cut short by the waves.

Rey holds her arms out to them, and they grab hold, pulling her down into the shallow water with them. Ben’s laughter was ringing around her head as he went down too, holding her around the waist, Tristian climbing onto his shoulders, hands in his wet hair.

Rey’s lungs hurt from laughing, and she felt her body go under deeper water now, Ollie’s arm circled around her neck, Ben’s arms wrapped around her from behind, Tristian holding onto his Father’s shoulders, floating behind them like a merman. They made up a mythical sea creature with four hearts, tangled limbs and laughter, giving and taking from one another all the nutrients they needed.

Her lungs filled with air, pushing out sound, vibrations moving across the sea floor until her lungs were filled with water. Her arms were empty now. She felt the loss of Ben’s arms around her waist, she reached out for Ollie’s hand but was met only dark water. Swimming, turning around in a circle she realized they were gone.

Rey woke up alone in her bedroom, an ambulance driving past the window, all lights and sound. She was lying on her back in bed, her silk pajama top pulled up above her bra. She had been moving in her sleep.

They had made it to the island, to her island, the place she escaped to every night. It had always been just her on the sand, looking out at the ocean, warmed by the sun’s rays, breathing in the thin, salty air. But this time she had shared it Ollie, and now with Ben and his son. Rey could still see the kitchen table, fresh sunflowers and daises in a glass vase sitting on top, the overflowing bookcases in the house that used to be just for her.

Rey picked up her phone from the night stand—4:59 a.m. She wouldn’t go back to sleep now.

She slipped out from under the covers, bare feet finding the soft rug and then the cool floor on her way to the kitchen.

She turned on the kettle, pulling down a box of tea from the cabinet above the stove. She was too tired to make coffee just yet. She needed a simpler task.

While she waited for the water to boil, she texted Ben. She knew he would not be up yet, but she wanted him to wake up to a message from her. He would probably ask what on Earth she was doing up at this hour.

She was tempted for a moment to share her dream with him. Rey shook her head, standing in against the counter, thinking how silly it would sound, how insane it was that she’d had the dream at all.

No one could know about the place she had created long ago for herself when she had been in her second, but far from the last, foster home. She had wanted somewhere that was just for her, a place no one could come and take away. The island had changed over the years, but the idea, the feeling she had when she was there was the same; warmth and comfort, shelter, safety, solitude.

Rey could always reach out in her dreaming or waking life and the island would be there for her. It was never meant for anyone else.

But now others had shown up, uninvited.

Her head was still spinning when the kettle switched off behind her, signaling the start of her day. She looked at the text she had sent Ben. It was the same message she had sent him every day for weeks now _; good morning, you. I hope you slept well._ As always, two coffee emoji’s, a croissant and a bagel. This time she added an emoji of the sun. 

~ ~ ~

Ben was on his mat stretching before Luke arrived for their Wednesday morning yoga class. This was the first time Ben had ever arrived before Luke did in all the years they had been coming to class together. He had been there waiting when the teacher unlocked the doors to the studio.

He had barely slept and when he did, his dreams were dark and scattered. He had dreamt at one point that he was drowning, being pulled under in a body of water he had never seen before. When he woke up, his shirt was pulled up his torso as if he had been kicking and thrashing in his sleep.

Ben barely remembered making coffee and packing his bag for the day. He had forgotten his phone and had to walk back two blocks to get it. He went to wake up Tristian only to remember Tuesday nights he stayed with Rebecca.

There was the message from Rey sent earlier that morning that had gone unanswered. He had been lying awake in bed when she sent it, reading it as soon as it came through, wondering why she was awake too. But he didn’t respond. He read the message just as he did every morning, but this time he laid the phone on his chest and let himself lie there blinking up at the ceiling.

He still hadn’t responded by the time he was on his mat, legs stretched out in front of him, muscles tight, all ropes up and down his body despite the use, despite the warmth of the room.

Ben titled his head to each side, hearing a relieving pop in his neck, then shaking himself loose. He thought of what he would say when he did respond to her.

_Good morning. I hope you slept well too. I didn’t manage to get much sleep because my entire family has been lying to me for years about money and why I become a lawyer, a job that I hate, or at least, I hate the type of law I’m forced to practice. How’s your coffee?_

Ben found a focal point on the wall in front of him, keeping his attention there as students started to come in, rolling their mats out around him, muttering sleepy good mornings to one another. He didn’t respond to any of them.

He knew it was Luke by the way the door opened and shut, the way he walked over to the space beside him and unfurled his mat in a careful manner.

“You’re here early,” his voice was warm and still. Ben didn’t look away from the spot on the wall, his hands on his knees in mediation pose, legs tucked beneath him.

“I’m on time.” He cleared his throat then. “I learned that from you. There’s no such thing as being early, there are only those who are late.”

Luke looked his nephew over.

“Well, good morning to you too.”

Ben wanted to scream. He wanted to pull the walls down around him, to somehow punish his Uncle for betraying him too. Luke was one of the few people in the world that Ben trusted. Now a single string of emails had undone all of that, all for the sake of his Grandfather’s inheritance.

Ben wished the ground, he wished that the floor of the studio would open beneath him and swallow him whole.

Luke began stretching beside him, content with the quiet between them though he sensed something was off. He always knew how to read Ben’s moods and body language. Ben was like a statue on the mat, pretending nothing and no one around him existed, waiting for class to begin. His breathing was steady, focused.

He thought about getting up and texting Rey. His phone was in his gym bag against the window.

How had he become so reliant on her so quickly? Usually it was Poe he would go to with something like this, but maybe not even then. This was different. This turned his world on its axis, shaking the foundation of his entire life, who he thought he was; what he had believed to be true. He had always believed this is what his Father and Mother wanted, for him to become this person, for him to take over the family business and move forward just as they had, and now it had all been a game, he had been a puppet in order to keep their financial futures secure, on point.

And his Uncle had been a silent witness to all of it.

Ben found himself wondering what Rey would say, what advice she would give, or if she would just listen while he spun out. He realized they had not talked about their families at all, just their kids, not their parents, not their ex’s. Ben didn’t know whether to be grateful or relieved.

He couldn’t imagine going from 0 to 100, bringing up his parents and uncle the next time he saw her. But right now he was desperate for her ear, her words, anything to soothe this and help him escape.

Ben went through the motions in class, keeping his focus on the instructor and his stretches, pushing his body as far as it would go until sweat ran down his spine, his legs, and arms. He stood up exhausted at the end, feeling as if he’d run 50 city blocks in a marathon sprint. He had wanted to wear himself out and he had.

He toweled off his face, his hair sticking to his jawline while Luke did the same beside him. The two men had been silent since class began, and now Luke broke the barrier.

“You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong, but clearly something is. If I did something…”

Ben shook his head, running the towel across his shoulders.

“I can’t right now. Not here.”

Luke was still looking at his nephew.

“You really pushed yourself on the mat today,” Luke said, his tone quiet.

Ben finally looked at his Uncle. The one person he told everything, the one person who already knew everything before Ben said it, was staring at him, waiting.

“I did. I needed it.” 

Ben let the simple statement hang between them as he moved to slid on his jacket and go. He checked his phone. He still hadn’t answered Rey.

“Can we break our rule and have dinner this week? Not just class?” Luke was pulling on his white overcoat now, both men headed for the door.

Ben stood inside, hand on the long handle, opening it for the other students as they exited.

“I don’t think so. Work is crazy this week, and I’m going to try to see Rey.”

Luke’s face lit up.

“So that’s her name.”

“Yeah, Rey. With an E.” Ben felt himself softening at the mention of her name, could feel his features release their tension, their stress at saying it.

“What does she do?” Luke was trying to find a way in.

“She’s a Doctor, a Surgeon at Columbia.”

Ben watched the last of the students go and followed, beginning to walk down the sidewalk towards the train, Luke a step behind him even though that wasn’t the way he was going.

“And she lives here in the City?”

Ben nodded, still walking.

“She’s from England.” He hated himself for giving Luke more than what he asked for but he couldn’t stop himself. He would have sat down right there on the sidewalk and told his uncle everything he knew, everything he thought and felt about Rey if he could.

But not now, not anymore.

Luke laughed softly. “She sounds intriguing.”

Ben stopped at the cross walk, hands in the pockets of his long, black pea coat. He knew he looked ridiculous in this, a puffy, dark red scarf, his yoga pants, sneakers and sweaty hair but he didn’t care. The city gave one freedom to know that nobody was paying attention to you as much as you assumed they were.

“She is.” 

The light changed and Luke was still following him, matching Ben’s long strides.

“If you’re open to it, I would love to have the two of you over for dinner. I know things are new but your parents and I think this is very good for you, after Rebecca and…”

Ben stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and looked at Luke.

“You told them I was seeing someone?”

Luke looked up at his nephew, who had become somehow taller than him by the time he was 16. He seemed to tower over everything and everyone now. His face hardened, any trace of joy gone in an instant. 

“Well they always ask how you’re doing, and it came up. It’s a part of your life, Ben.”

“Don’t you mean Ren?”

Luke stood still as Ben spat the words out, one after the other, in harsh formation, the name Ren shooting out of his mouth like a poisoned dart.

“And I’ve hardly told you anything about her. You happened to know, to guess, or whatever.” Ben’s words seemed less sure now and he was looking past his uncle, down the street where he was ready to flee.

“Ben, what happened?” Luke reached out to put a hand on his shoulder but Ben backed away, black gloved hands in front of him; a mixture of defense and defeat.

“Luke, please. I’m not a little kid anymore. I can’t do this with you, the-the wise old uncle and eager to learn pupil thing. I’m part of your family, not your student.”

Ben was spinning and he knew it, but the wheels had come off the train now, he was derailed and ready to crash.

Luke said nothing.

This was the Solo way; burn down everything all at once and pick up the pieces of burning ash and embers later. Act first, and then think. Ben had worked for years to put that part of himself away but at seven o’clock in the morning, here he was, unleashing hooded, snickering demons and goblins he had tucked away for decades on the streets of New York for the entire world to see.

“You didn’t think I would figure it out? Did you think I would just keep playing along with the three of you?” He shook his head, laughing, a bitter, biting sound.

“You’re all a bunch of liars. Dad, Mom, Grandfather, all of you. Dad’s always pretended he was born into money, that he was some well off, hot-shot when in reality, he was just a beggar’s son, a poor son of a bitch who got by on his good looks and streets smarts, his charm, that Mom was somehow naïve enough for fall for.”

Luke was still looking at his nephew.

“And you,” Ben was pointing at him now.

“Somehow you escaped the pressure to please everyone so you became a teacher, a job that nobody in the family gives a shit about because you don’t make any money but at least its noble and you can sleep well at night.”

Luke’s chest was rising and falling with paced breaths. He remained calm in the face of Ben’s fury which only served to make him angrier.

“But it’s okay because it all comes down to me doesn’t it?” He was pointing at himself now, poking himself in the chest with all the force in his body, anger turned inward.

“Because I was stupid enough to fall for it for _years_. I played your little game, went to law school, took over the practice from Mom and Dad all so that you could all keep your apartments, so Mom and Dad could be driven around the city and attend charity events, and you could keep teaching philosophy to a bunch of students who only take your class so that they check it off a list so they can get to the things they really want to be learning.”

At this Luke let himself blink, the words stinging but letting Ben continue to burn down the forest he could not see for the trees.

“I know that Grandfather paid for me to go to law school. I know it. I saw the emails. You were on them. You knew all about it. You knew _everything_.”

Ben’s words, his voice turned from rage to something low, something sad, defeated. It was starting to rain but neither man made a move to seek shelter.

“You let them use me to keep Grandfather’s estate, his money.”

Ben was blinking now, his eyes looked black in the grey morning light. This was suddenly the boy called Ren; the young man once nicknamed Kylo standing before him, murky, hooded eyes; fury boiling up inside of him, seeing only darkness in front of and on all sides of him.

This was the boy Luke had fought so hard to protect, turning back to the ways he knew deep down, of fighting, of opposition. Kylo had always felt safest when he could lash out, anger a comfort, a shield for his fear.

“I didn’t have a say in any of it,” Luke finally spoke. “I promise you Ben.”

“ _Stop calling me that_!” Ben spat. “You played his game so call me by the name he wanted.”

Luke took a deep breath.

“Okay, Ren… _Kylo_ …” Three, four letters that tasted sour on Luke’s tongue. This was never who he was supposed to be. But this was Luke’s punishment now.

“I was wrong to remain silent, and for that I am sorry, sorrier than you will ever know. I can never make it up to you.”

“No you can’t,” Ben cut him off.

“But I did everything I could to help you, to protect you, to show you a different side of life. I know your parents love you, and only ever wanted the best for you. Maybe they weren’t perfect, they clearly made a lot of mistakes along the way, one being that they never let you be who you wanted to be…to do what you wanted to do. I know they struggle with it every day.”

“Do they?” Ben’s tone was mocking now. “Well, I’m so sorry for them. I’m so sorry they have to carry around such a burden.”

People walking by were looking over their shoulders now at the two men standing on the sidewalk, rolling out the past in bitter words and deep breaths.

“That just leaves me to figure out where to go from here, I guess.”

Luke let out a long breath. “Yes, it does. What is it that you want?”

Ben opened his mouth to let loose a list of all the things he had been denied, but found that the words wouldn’t come. His entire life he had stood behind, lived in the shadows of his Father and Grandfather, and now he was free. His knowledge was power.

He had no idea what to do with it.

Ben pushed his shoulders back. It was raining harder now.

“I want you to leave me alone. I want you all to leave me alone, me and my son.”

For the first time Luke’s face moved; there was sadness, surprise.

“Ben, don’t do this. They’re his Grandparents.”

“I want you all to think about what you did to me.” Ben didn’t let him finish. “I don’t care what you tell them or how you make it sound.” Ben pulled his scarf up closer around his neck, his mouth. He was ready to go.

“You’ll think of something. You’re clearly the messenger here.”

Luke watched him walk away, his steps different now, his bow legged walk more determined to get away. He didn’t go after him, light energy chasing dark, but let him go, knowing it was best to leave him with his turmoil, so much like his Father, that Ben only knew how to build things from the scorched earth around him.

~ ~ ~

Rey kept checking her phone every few minutes until she began to get on her own nerves and finally put it face down on her desk.

“No word from Ben?” Finn’s voice was casual and light over their laptops. He was typing, but looked up at Rey now.

Rey shook her head. She exhaled, blowing wisps of hair out of her face.

“I feel like a bloody teenager, waiting for some boy to call.” She looked at her phone yet again.

“This is ridiculous.” She got up from her chair, shrugging on her lab coat. It was time for rounds.

“When was the last time you spoke?”

Rey didn’t want to answer. She didn’t want to say that she had grown used to receiving a good morning text from Ben every day, at nearly the same time, without fail. She couldn’t say something as silly as the man she’d only met a few weeks ago had not told her good morning and sent her a coffee emoji.

“Last night,” she said flipping her hair on the outside of her coat. “Just before bed.”

Finn laughed.

“So, mere hours ago? Wow, Rey. So much for revenge dating, eh?” 

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you! I knew you would make fun of me.”

“I’m not making fun of you. Just…saying I told you so.” 

“You told me what?” Rey was doing her best to keep the annoyance out of her voice, and failing.

Finn was treading carefully.

“I just think…well, you can’t ever predict these sorts of things. You never know what’s going to happen, who you’re going to meet.”

Rey did her best not to roll her eyes.

“Well, thank you Finn, for that wisdom.” She gathered up her hospital badge and pager, along with an armful of charts.

“But if you don’t mind, I have patients to see, and so do you.”

Rey left the office, brushing past medical assistants and nurses, all who did their best to step out of her way. She was clearly eager to leave whatever was behind her.

~ ~ ~

Ben was sitting in his office, door closed. He hadn’t said hello to anyone on the way in, even though Zorii asked him how yoga was and even touched the sleeve of his coat as he passed by. They had known one another a long time.

“Ben? Is everything okay?”

Ben looked down at her, her eyes always a smoky grey and blue, even in the dead of summer. It felt strange hear someone speak to him, to hear someone call him Ben and wish him good morning as if nothing had changed.

He did his best to give a tight smile.

“Good morning, Zorii. I’m fine. Yoga was good. Hard, but good.” 

He knew she wanted him to say more, but instead he turned and walked straight into his office and hadn’t come out since. Even Hux had picked up on Ben’s energy and avoided opening the door to feel his wrath.

Hux cornered Poe in the hallway the first chance he got, far enough from Ben’s office that they couldn’t be heard, still speaking in measured whispers.

“What the hell is going on with your friend?”

Poe looked Hux up and down.

“ _My_ friend? He’s your partner, why don’t you go talk to him? It’s probably something to do with the audit or the crazy amount of case work everyone has. You know that he always has the most.”

Hux sighed. “Well, that’s his fault. He volunteers for it and refuses to hire additional junior attorneys to help ease the burden.”

Poe slumped against the wall, clutching his rose quartz water bottle to his chest. He closed his eyes, wishing he was still in bed with the waiter he took home last night. Maybe he was a little hungover too.

“Jesus, Hux, I don’t know. Why don’t you go ask him? I’m not his keeper. You know how moody he can be. Maybe he’s fighting with his new girlfr-“

Poe stopped himself but it was too late. He saw the look of recognition flash across Hux’s face.

“Oh, shit.” Poe felt himself sliding down the wall until he was sitting on the floor, legs splayed out in front of him, water bottle on the floor beside him. He looked up at Hux.

“Please don’t tell him I told you. He’ll kick my ass up and down Seventh Avenue.”

“Who is she?” Hux bent down to whisper. They looked like two school boys trying not to get in trouble. 

Poe was shaking his head, putting a finger to his lips.

“Don’t be so goddamned loud! He’s right down the hall!” Poe pointed toward Ben’s office as if Hux had forgotten.

“Why did he tell you and not me?!” Hux was yelling in a whisper.

“Why would he tell you?! He doesn’t even like you!”

“He does too! We’re partners!”

“ _Work_ partners! He had no choice! I’m his work husband, everybody knows it.” Poe folded his arms like a child.

“Work husband, what does that even _mean_?” Hux was shrieking under his breath.

“Boys?”

Both men turned to see Zorii at the end of the hall, hands on hips. She was shaking her head. They were caught.

“Don’t you have work you should be doing?” Her red bottomed heel was visible as she tapped her foot, waiting.

Poe stood to his feet, shaking his $200 water bottle at Hux.

“This is all _your_ fault!” He was still whispering.

Hux followed him out back to his office, looking over his shoulder to make sure Zorii was gone.

He gave his co-worker a stern warning. “This isn’t over, Dameron.”

Poe didn’t answer; he ran into his office and closed the door before Hux could say another word, standing inside giving him the finger on the other side of the glass wall.

~ ~ ~

Ben was still at his desk when noon rolled around. He pushed his chair back, staring at his laptop. He had worked non-stop all morning, not even taking a break to get water or use the restroom. He took any energy he had and threw it into his work, returning emails and calls, setting up appointments weeks in advance, even asking Zorii to book his travel to see clients in the coming months, a task he truly hated.

He was fine with escaping, even if he had to work to do it.

His hand was over his mouth when he grabbed his phone off his desk, looking at it for the first time since getting to work. He pulled up Rey’s message, reading it again.

_I’m so sorry I didn’t answer. It’s been a hell of a morning._

Ben paused, looking out into the hallway. Clearly everyone had gotten the silent memo to leave him alone. Zorii was an expert at protecting him. She had known as soon as he walked in what kind of morning he’d had, she didn’t need to know the details.

He wasn’t sure how much to say to Rey, if anything. He had given himself time to think, to distract his thoughts with work. Now he was sitting there, wanting to be anywhere else, no longer blind with rage, but something not quite new, something terribly familiar.

He was lonely.

He felt alone.

He didn’t want to hang out with Poe; he certainly didn’t want to talk to Hux. He wasn’t sure what kind of damage had been done to what was left of his family and he didn’t care.

“Fuck them,” he muttered, beginning to type again.

_Can I see you tonight? I know its last minute and if not, that’s okay. But I-_

Ben stopped again, rubbing his chin, tapping his foot under the desk.

_I can make dinner for us at my place. Just tell me what you’re in the mood for._

Ben sat back in his chair, staring at the words he had written.

He was tempted to type more, to beg her to see him; that he would pick her up; he would send a car to the hospital, whatever it was she wanted, whenever she wanted it. He would make a feast for the two of them. He had a mini wine storage space built into the wall in his kitchen and a full bar off the living room. He would empty it all for them tonight if she asked, pouring his best vintage red, making any cocktail she could imagine. He would wear whatever she selected for him, would buy her a dress, a diamond necklace if she asked. He would even go dancing, for real this time.

He didn’t type any of that, instead leaving his request with a simple, _Join me?_

~ ~ ~

Rey was near the end of her shift before she checked her phone again. Work had been the perfect distraction, one patient after another, and an emergency appendectomy that she was in and out of in under an hour.

Finn wasn’t at his desk when she got back to her desk and she was grateful for the silence, the momentary solitude. She had been asked for things, for her time and energy all day. She was happy to give it but she was ready to be done.

Rey flopped down in her chair, shrugging one arm out of her lab coat, one hand holding her phone, knowing there was a text from Ben before her eyes could fully focus on the screen. She saw the three letters of his name and smiled, all of the tension, the needless worry of the day stripped from her in an instant.

She felt silly for realizing how much she had counted on, how much she had relied on a single text to begin her day. But he was here now. She didn’t care how fast she replied, all of the dating advice she had once obeyed thrown out the window.

She read his message, biting her thumb nail.

“Tonight?” she said aloud to the empty office.

Rey quickly opened her phone calendar and her work calendar on her laptop at the same time.

“ _Shit, shit, shit,”_ she muttered, clicking through both to see if she had any conflicts, to see what time her shift started the next day.

She wouldn’t have to be at the hospital until 3pm the next day since she was working second shift, but that meant two nights in a row she would have to ask Claire to babysit. She could hurry home and put Ollie to bed, make her breakfast in the morning, maybe even enough time tomorrow to pick her up from school.

Rey made some noise that was a combination of a whine and a groan. She looked at her phone again, re-reading Ben’s texts.

_A hell of a morning._ She wanted to ask him what happened but not here, not now, not while she was sweaty in her scrubs and still half-out of her lab coat.

There were so many things she would be saying no to if she didn’t go; seeing his place, tasting food he had made, asking him what happened this morning. She spun around in her chair, once, twice and decided to text Claire, asking if she could please do her a favor and watch Ollie for the evening, that she would owe her forever and ever and pay her double her normal rate.

_Overnight?_ _J_ That was the reply.

Rey snorted, typing back quickly.

_I don’t think so?_

_He’s making dinner for you at his place and you think you’ll be home by eight?_

Rey looked up from Claire’s message, wanting to argue. She had no idea what would happen tonight. This was all still so new, so fragile. It felt like much more than her average last minute, late night date. But she had been fooled before.

Finn’s teasing word from this morning still sat uncomfortably in her head. _So much for revenge dating._ As if she didn’t have the right to change her mind. As if he knew her well enough to know what she was going to do or what she would never do.

No one knew Rey and she liked it that way.

No one could predict what she was wanted and how she wanted it. Maybe tonight it was Ben. Maybe next week it was someone new. Maybe it was no one ever again. Rey had lived the sort of life that taught her early on that everything and everyone was temporary. No matter how wonderful something seemed, eventually, you would lose it.

That’s why the few things she did have that she knew were hers and hers alone; her career, Ollie, she kept close at all times, protecting them as much as she could from the outside world. Finn, Ben, Chloe, the countless other people who claimed to care for her, one set of parents after another…she could be, had been happy for a time with all of them, but in the end, she knew it came down to her to create her own happiness.

And right now, Ben made her happy. She was tired of going without, of suffering since her divorce. So now that happiness had lasted more than a single night, longer than a week, she was going to let herself enjoy it.

_Thank you, Claire;_ she typed quickly getting up and packing her work laptop into her bag, hanging her lab coat on the hook on the back of the door. She almost forgot to text Ben back in all of her excitement.

_I would love to come over and no worries that it’s last minute. Clare is a godsend. How’s 6? Thai or Indian sounds good. I can pick up stuff from the store if you need me to._

Ben’s reply came within seconds.

_No. You’re my guest. I’ll take care of everything. Six is perfect. See you then._

Rey left work quickly, not for the first time, to meet Ben, but this time they would be at his place, with food he was making just for her. Rey rarely let herself be taken care of; she never let herself need anything from anyone, now more than ever. She swore after her marriage ended she would never answer to anyone ever again.

But as she stepped from the office to the sidewalk and from the street down into the tunnels of New York below, she let herself imagine a world, an evening where Ben took care of her every need and want, where someone else thought of her first, asking nothing in return.

Someone who gave more than they took from her.

Somewhere in an office in midtown Manhattan Ben Solo got up from his desk, not bothering to pack up his laptop or any case files for the first time in years. He left everything as it was, grabbing only his jacket and phone before heading out, saying goodbye to no one, ending his day there just as it had begun, in silence.

He would stop by the store to pick up what he needed to make dinner that evening, knowing exactly what to buy, what he was going to prepare; yellow curry with seafood and vegetable pad thai. He knew the white wine he would serve, the drinks he would make, taking a mental inventory of his kitchen and bar.

His Mother and Father, his Uncle were the furthest things from his mind as he left the building he had called home since he was a boy. He stopped for a moment on the street to stretch his neck skyward, allowing the tower to make him feel small. He looked at it in a new way, seeing it for the first time, as the fortress it really was, steel and glass, evidently breakable, eternally fractured.

With one last look, he turned from his past, walking to the train to stand among strangers for the ride home, counting the hours, the minutes until he was with someone familiar, the only person he truly wanted to come home to right now.

~ ~ ~

Rey was in her apartment, after the fastest shower of her life, finally dressed and on her way out the door when she realized she had forgotten to check and see if Ben had sent her his address.

He had. He lived downtown, just south of Tribeca, near South Port Street Port. It was so very…him. She smiled as she looked up the fastest way to get there on the subway.

Rey looked at herself in the foyer mirror, and realized she also hadn’t asked what she should wear. It was dinner at her place, surely there was no reason to dress up. She had a closet full of cocktail and evening dresses she had yet to wear since moving to New York. Maybe one day.

Tonight it was loose hair, soft grey cashmere off the shoulder sweater, dark skinny jeans and light grey and white Tom’s shoes Ollie had bought her for her last birthday. She wore her sword pendant and a simple gold bracelet to match, spraying just a bit of soft vanilla and honey scented perfume on her neck.

It was a gift from her boss at Columbia, a welcome to the team present that had taken Rey by surprise when she discovered it on her desk her first week. She kept it on her bathroom vanity so she could see it every time she was at the mirror.

She slid into a grey overcoat and grabbed her headphones from the hook by the door, suddenly remembering the bottle of wine she had in the fridge. She tucked the bottle into her black bag in a hurry.

Ollie was on her hip, kissing her goodbye one minute, and gone the next, already so grown up, already needing Rey less and less since the move. Rey hesitated by the door, not guilty, but torn, wishing somehow all of her worlds were the same, that her hours and days weren’t split between different people and places.

Maybe one day.

She checked her phone; the next train downtown was in four minutes. She could make it.

~ ~ ~

Ben was at the stove, just beginning to organize things on the counter around him when the buzzer sounded.

He turned off the heat on the stove top and ran over, pushing the button, waiting for a second before saying, “Hi, Rey?”

A brief pause and then, “Ben? Hi, it’s me! Can I come up?”

Ben laughed, pressing the button again. “Of course. 15th floor. Apartment 1536.”

He released the call button, wondering why Freddie downstairs hadn’t called to let him know Rey was there. But he was glad to hear her voice. Somehow it made him less nervous, a feeling he wasn’t used to but he liked it, liked the way it made him feel younger, eager and unsure, alive.

Before she could arrive, Ben opened the door, standing there in the space, bare foot, with dark jeans and his light grey work shirt un-tucked and sleeves rolled up to the elbow on each arm, one foot crossed over the other, hand on the door frame looking down the hallway to see her come off the elevator.

He was wearing the solid silver watch his Father had given him when he graduated law school, a trinket he barely noticed anymore.

He heard the familiar ding and a second later saw her step off, stopping for a moment, reading the numbers that lead to his group of apartments on the left side of the hallway.

Ben watched her for a while before she could see him and he felt light headed, sucking in his breath when she turned his way, walking to him with a light step, bag over her shoulder, as if she had always done this, as if this was their routine, him waiting for her, dinner in the works, ready to welcome her home.

He knew he didn’t have long until she noticed him and he took advantage of watching her this way, the way she walked, hair moving side to side, one hand in her pocket, always taller and somehow smaller than he remembered her.

When she finally saw him, he made no move to pretend he hadn’t been watching; that he hadn’t been waiting for her.

“There you are!” Her voice came to him from a few doors down, gentle and happy.

She walked up to his door, standing in front of him now.

Ben let himself take in the full sight of her.

“Wow,” he breathed.

Rey laughed, almost bashful. She held up a bottle of wine she had pulled from her bag.

“I thought I would bring this even though you told me not to. I just can’t show up to someone’s home without a gift, I guess.”

Ben laughed, taking the bottle from her. He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her to him, nearly lifting her off the ground in one motion. He held her there, in both arms now, one hand holding the cool bottle of wine against her back.

“Thank you for coming. I’m really glad you’re here,” he said, lips at the crown of her head.

Rey pulled back, grinning, her feet barely touching the ground just inside his apartment.

“Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

Ben laughed again, putting her down, and stepping back to let her inside.

“Please, come in.”

Rey stepped into the apartment, looking around in awe. His apartment was easily double the size of hers, maybe more. She really was a New Yorker now.

“Wow,” it was her turn to whisper. She moved into the living room to look around, moving to the multi-tiered bar and running her hands along the bottles of liquor and bitters from around the world. She looked back at Ben.

“You’re quite the collector.”

Ben was making his way into the kitchen, visible from the living room in the open floor plan of his apartment. It was a new building, with all the bells and whistles, not a pre-war door knob or faucet in sight.

He put her bottle of wine in the fridge for later.

“It’s a hobby of mine.” He bent down to open the wine refrigerator beneath one of the counters, pulling out a chilled bottle of pinot from Africa he had been saving, for what, he didn’t know.

“Wine and cocktails, that is,” he continued, pulling two glasses down from the glass shelf above the microwave.

“Oh right, didn’t you promise to make me one of your famous martinis?” Rey teased, walking over to stand across the kitchen island from him. She slipped off her shoes, leaving them by the door, already comfortable in a space that wasn’t hers. She flexed her bare feet against the cool tile of the kitchen.

Ben raised an eyebrow.

“Before dinner?”

Rey shrugged. “Why not?” 

Ben held the two wine glasses between his fingers in one hand, wine opener in the other.

“Whatever you want,” he said, setting everything down on the counter. He moved past Rey to the bar cart in the living room.

Rey watched him go, enjoying the sight of Ben at home, barefoot and comfortable, knowing his way around, everything his in a space that belonged only to him.

“Gin or vodka?” his voice came to her from the living room.

“Um…gin,” she called over her shoulder.

Ben headed back now, one of his favorite mixing gins in hand, a bottle of orange bitters too. He circled back her way again, headed for the kitchen.

He stopped where Rey stood beside the solid marble island; one hand on her stomach, reaching around to hold her, pulling her against him.

Rey felt her body ease into the space in front of him.

“I can’t wait to watch you work,” she said, feeling drunk already; drunk on this safe, comfortable space, drunk on the image, the feeling of Ben taking care of her. She tapped the side of the gin bottle, making a _clink clink clink_ sound with her nails.

Ben smiled, his teeth poking at his lower lip as he looked down at her.

“I’m happy to do whatever makes you happy,” he said and he meant it.

Rey wrapped her arms around his neck, tilting her head up for a kiss. She had waited long enough.

Ben set the bottle of gin and bitters down on the island, scooping Rey up in both arms, crushing her body until she imagined her lungs disconnected from one another and swam around inside her.

She was happy to suffocate this way.

“God,” was all Ben could manage, breaking the kiss to take a breath, bending down, pressing his forehead to hers. He closed his eyes and felt himself sway, holding her body to his. He was content to turn the kitchen into a private dance floor, if that’s what she wanted.

“Did you actually invite me over for dinner?” Rey asked after a moment, only half-joking, hands on his chest as it moved up and down, his own lungs doing their best to calm his breathing.

Ben shook his head, his chin moving across Rey’s forehead.

“I just…wanted you here.” He didn’t know how to be anything but honest now. After so many lies, so much he didn’t know, he didn’t want to sugar coat or cloak anything he said to anyone ever again.

Rey let herself fall against his body again.

“I wanted to be here.” Her voice was quiet, but assured.

“But…”

Ben held his breath at the word, closing his eyes for whatever was next.

“I’m starving…” Rey pulled back, laughing and Ben let out the longest breath, relieved. He picked her up and spun her around the kitchen, both laughing.

“But first, make me a martini!” Rey commanded.

Ben saluted her. “Yes ma’am.”

Ben made his way around to the other side of the island, pulling down a cocktail shaker and two martini glasses. He grabbed ice from the ice maker in front of the refrigerator, tossing it into the shaker with his hands. He shook three drops of orange bitters into the shaker before pouring in 4 ounces of gin, barely needing to use his measuring cup.

Rey looked confused. “No olives?”

Ben shook his head, attaching the two tops and banging his palm against them to secure everything.

“No, this is what makes my martinis superior.”

Rey smiled. “Ah, got it. Well, you’re the master.”

Ben picked up the cocktail shaker in one hand, shaking it above his head, looking at Rey the whole time. She found herself captivated by an action she had seen in every single bar she’d ever been in. She studied the way Ben’s hand took over the entire shaker with ease, long fingers stretched out over the frosted metal, the veins on his lower arm sticking out the harder he shook. His face was one of total concentration.

He set the shaker down on the counter, removing the top, pulling the two glasses over to him; out came a impeccably cloudy mixture.

“The secret is that you have to shake it within an inch of its life,” he picked up a glass and walked around the island to place it directly in Rey’s hands.

“When you see ice chips on top, that’s when you know it’s right.”

Rey took the glass and looked down, noticing a thin sheet of ice on top.

She looked back up to Ben who was now holding his own glass.

“Cheers,” Rey said, happier than she had felt in a long time.

“Cheers. To…tonight,” Ben agreed.

Their glasses clinked together in a sound that was fast becoming a ritual of their time together. Rey took the first sip, the alcohol hitting her instantly, but not harshly. The cold and sharp orange taste helped ease her taste buds.

Her eyes widened, looking up at him.

Ben’s face was cast in a shadow of worry.

“You don’t like it?”

Rey shook her head.

“It’s…perfect. It’s so good, Ben.”

Ben let loose a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding and they both took another sip in unison.

“I want to drink the whole thing in one go,” Rey said, one arm around Ben’s thin waist.

“No one here is going to stop you,” he said, draining his own drink.

After Ben made another round, it was time to start making dinner. He moved around to the stove where everything was laid out, turning the heat back on. He was totally in his element, pulling out spatulas and knives, all of the food clearly prepped before she had gotten there.

Rey followed him, holding her half-empty glass, her bones and muscles fuzzy and light.

“How can I help?”

Ben shook his head. He paused, taking a simple black hair tie from his wrist that Rey hadn’t noticed, pulling the top part of his long, black hair up into a top knot.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Like I said over text, you’re my guest.” He motioned towards the living room.

“Make yourself comfortable.”

“But I am comfortable.” 

“Well, get _more_ comfortable.”

Rey laughed into her martini glass.

“You look like a sexy ninja.”

Ben burst out laughing.

“I— _what?!”_

Rey fell over the counter laughing

“Your hair! I….kinda love it.”

Ben smiled, turning around then, shooing her out of the kitchen.

“Go put on some music, whatever you want,” he called over his shoulder, resuming his work at the stove.

Rey looked around the vast, nearly all white living room. Sharp edges of glass cut into everything, making it sleek, but cozy.

“Where’s your IPad or IPhone or whatever it is you use?”

“Just tell Alexa what you want to hear.”

Rey stood in the center of his living room, feeling silly, but she cleared her throat and went for it.

“Alexa, play….jazz? Please?”

Ben stopped stirring at the stove looking at the wall in front of him. The sounds of his favorite jazz station seeped through the walls, soft but present, combining with the sounds of his cooking.

“Is this okay?” Rey asked from her place on the couch, bare feet tucked beneath her.

She finished her martini and placed the glass on the table in front of her, on top of a black leather coaster in the shape of the Empire State Building. Rey’s eyes scanned the books under the glass top table; a copy of the New York State Law Journal, back issues of The Atlantic and The New Yorker, Hilary Mantel and a book on WWII.

Ben nodded, realizing she couldn’t see him.

“That’s my favorite station,” he said hoping his voice would make its way to her.

“What was that?”

Ben cleared his throat and tried again.

“I said uh…that’s my favorite station,” a little louder this time. He let himself turn around to see her.

It was as if she had always been here in his apartment, sitting on his couch, listening to jazz, drinking from his glasses. He wanted to bolt the door and keep the two of them inside these walls, prisoners of their own free will. They could survive on John Coltrane and martinis forever. They would home-school Tristian and Ollie.

Ben turned back to the pad thai and curry, his body reminding him of his hunger.

“Dinner’s almost ready,” He said over his shoulder.

Rey took a deep breath. “It smells wonderful. The whole apartment smells like your cooking.” 

Ben turned off the stove, pulling open drawers to find a box of matches. He made his way over to the dining room table separating the kitchen and living room. He went about lighting white, scentless candles, tall and short, all along the center.

For the first time that evening Rey noticed the flowers sitting in the middle of the dining room table. She nearly fell off the couch at the sight of a bundle of daises and sunflowers in perfect order, in a tall, thin white vase. The image in her dream the night before crashed around her ears and behind her eye lids, of nearly the same exact arrangement and vase.

Rey blinked until she was sure she wasn’t hallucinating. She watched Ben open the forgotten pinot from earlier, pouring some into each of their glasses. She planted her feet on the soft white rug beneath to ground herself, remind her body and mind she was here, on Earth, not in a dream, not on her island.

The scene of Ben cooking, of carefully pouring wine for them, played out before her; it seemed so familiar suddenly. She had seen it all the night before and the image, the feeling, felt seconds and centuries old. It was all of the best bits of something brand new and something comfortable and worn.

“Let’s feast!” Ben called from the table, whipping his dishtowel out of his jeans pocket, tossing it on the counter behind him.

Rey made a move to get up, pulling her gaze from the table bouquet as she did. Before she could stand, Ben was there, holding out his hand, offering it to her. She took it gratefully, letting his strength pull her upwards and onto her feet.

He led her over to the table, pulling out a chair for her to sit in. He poured a glass of wine for Rey and one for himself, placing a kiss on the inside of her neck as he headed back to the kitchen.

Rey’s head was reeling from the sensation of having to do nothing but simply be, to sit in a chair and wait for someone to bring her food to her. It seemed so simple, but it was a grand gesture, laced and stitched in intimacy.

Ben took his time preparing their plates in the kitchen before putting them on the table. Rey’s stomach turned over in hunger.

Ben took his seat beside her and looked at Rey, his face long and soft in the candlelight.

“This looks amazing, Ben,” she whispered. “Thank you.”

Ben held up his wine glass.

“Let’s hope it tastes as good as it looks.”

They toasted, eating and chatting easily with one another. They talked about their kids, about books and scientific articles both had read recently, the crazy New York weather (70 one day, snowing a week later) and movies they wanted to see.

Rey sat back after her second helping, looking at Ben in amazement. They were half a bottle of wine and two martinis deep.

“You know if this whole lawyer thing doesn’t work out, I think you have a solid backup career as a chef.”

Ben’s wine glass was raised halfway to his lips and went no further. He said nothing.

“I mean, your food is specular Ben. It really is.”

Ben nodded, licking his lips to take a drink and thank her, but the next words from Rey rolled over him like a sickness, a dip into freezing water in the dead of night.

“You know you never talk about your job. I know you’re a lawyer and that you own your own firm, but that’s about it.” 

Ben could see her genuinely curious expression through the bottom of his wine glass, blurry with the last remains of wine inside; her features distorted by the imperfect glass.

Ben drained the wine and set the glass down on the table.

“Well, that’s because I…”

Rey waited patiently for him to continue.

“That’s because I don’t like being a lawyer.”

Ben felt the room shift as he finally said what he always felt, not to his family or Hux or Poe, but to Rey, a stranger by comparison but a missing, newly found, part of his body now. He felt the walls around him align in exact order for the first time, the temperature rising and falling to the perfect degree.

Rey was looking at him, a hand reaching out to rest on top of his on his lap. He placed his other hand on hers, realizing he was in a safe, hidden away place, just the two of them now, finally.

Ben saw in his mind’s eye a thousand boys and girls who could never reach Rey, scattered around the world, real and imagined romances, real and imagined heroes that let her down, images and scenes of a life coming out of nowhere as he looked at her, as he held her hand. He heard lies she had been told, love she had never known, things never revealed, light swallowed inside of her.

He sat up on the edge of his chair, frost falling off of him right in front of her. His voice was low, uneven.

“My family has been lying to me my entire life about why I do that I do, about who decided that this is the life I should lead. They’ve lied so much that at this point I’m not even sure who I am anymore.”

Ben took a deep breath and waited for Rey to speak. But she was silent, sitting before him, offering him all of the time in the world.

He started to speak again.

“I think I may hate them.” His eyes clouded over, dark, gaze lowered.

Rey’s grip on his hand tightened.

“I…” her voice was coated in rust from lack of use, her truths never said until now.

“I hate mine too.” Her voice was barely audible.

Ben’s gaze flickered up at her now.

“But then again, I don’t even know who they are.” Rey shrugged.

Ben was lost, thrown into a universe where Rey wasn’t wanted. It was a foreign land he wanted no part of.

“What? What do you mean? They left you?”

Rey looked up at the ceiling, making a short, bitter sounding noise with her mouth.

“You could say that.”

Ben stared at her. He was gently easing his way into her world, wanting to know more, wanting to know everything. The red taillights left behind as he left a life before Rey grew fainter as each second passed between them.

“Rey…” he started but she was shaking her head.

“I’m sorry I even said that, I’m sorry we even went down this road-“

“I’m not.” Ben interrupted.

“Who could…?” He stopped, putting a hand on her face, then the back of her neck, resting his fingers at her hairline.

Rey’s eyes closed at the touch. Ben let his body fall downwards. He placed his head in her lap. He felt her hands in his hair.

“Who could ever leave you?” He took the time to answer his own question, not waiting for her silence or words to reply.

“Someone who doesn’t understand love.”

“They’re just ghosts to me now,” Rey whispered above his head.

He was familiar with those shadowy figures too.

Ben felt Rey shift below him and he sat up. Rey was standing above him now, hands on his shoulders.

Ben leaned back as Rey crawled into his lap, her legs on either side of him in the narrow chair. His hands fell onto her lower back, pulling her closer. She kissed him, a thank you; a grateful touch on either side of his neck.

Ben folded her into his chest, and she tugged on the top two buttons of his shirt, pulling back from his mouth which left him searching for her lips, confused.

“I want all of you,” she said, mouth to his cheek, his jawline and ragged breathing cutting the air in half around them.

Rey braced herself against his body as Ben stood, wrapping her legs around his waist, kissing him again. Her hands were inside his shirt, greedy for this other ruined soul who hadn't taken her in, but brought her home.

~ ~ ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for hanging in there throughout the angst! More to come, but happier (and continued sexy) times too. Thank you again for being such a welcoming fandom and all of your thoughtful comments, messages and kudos. They help so much! x  
> Ps; I'm Iknowthebattle on Tumblr, come say hi!   
> Pps: The author's long hair kink was revealed in this chapter. And all of the other chapters.


	8. How a Lion Becomes a Mouse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben continue their evening and the morning after. Ben has a request for Rey.

The sight of Rey’s body on his bed is one Ben had thought of often over the last few weeks. He had imagined every possible scenario but it always ended the same way; with Rey in his bed, her scent all over his pillows and sheets, in various stages of undress. But this image, the real one, was far beyond anything he had thought up or imagined.

Rey clung to him, legs wrapped around his waist as he walked carefully through the living room, down the hall and into his bedroom. The door was slightly open. Ben used one foot to push it all the way.

Ben was no stranger to women in his bed; however, most were more a case of drunken stumbling through the front door and into his bedroom, shedding articles of clothing along the way.

“Ow, shit, fuck!” Ben’s bare feet managed to step onto one of Tristian’s Star Trek action figures right inside the doorway. He grabbed hold of Rey, keeping his balance, his back against the wall.

“Oh my god,” Rey laughed against Ben’s shoulder.

Ben was laughing now too.

“Kids,” he exhaled. Rey was still wrapped around him, running her hands across the top of his back.

“I get it.” 

Her voice was soft as she pulled back to look at him, hands on his chest. She was smiling.

“Did that kill the mood?” Ben’s voice held a tone of worry.

Rey shook her head.

The secrets they had just shared, they had decided to run before they could walk, and now, this was something else entirely, a sprint and a marathon.

Ben was still trying to catch his breath. He looked at Rey, miles ahead of him already. He had thought she would hesitate, that she would take her time, make him earn her trust. He would wait for her, wait for however long she needed or wanted, to share any part of herself she felt comfortable sharing. He wasn’t picky or demanding. He would take and treasure all of it.

But now he followed the movements of her body, her arched back; her hands on his chest. He walked toward the bed, bare feet on cool wood floors barely making a sound.

“Ben,” Rey said his name just once before he lowered her onto his bed, bending down with her, hesitant to let go.

She reached up, wanting to keep him there, arms around his neck, but he pulled away, standing up straight to look down at her.

This was the sight he had seen in his mind’s eye a hundred times, but now it was reality, his hands having placed her there. She lay fully dressed, bare foot looking up at him, arms on her stomach, waiting.

Ben reached up, beginning to undo the buttons to his shirt, looking at her watching him. She was enjoying the sight, not in a rush, the feeling of being looked after all evening extending to now. She let her legs hang off the edge of the bed, eventually stretching up one foot and then the other to rest on his thighs, then inching up towards his stomach as the rest of his shirt was undone, toes on bare skin, resting on the middle of his torso.

“Wait,” Rey’s voice was the first sound she’d made since saying his name but now she sat up on her knees, reaching for the top of his shirt, helping to pull it over his shoulders, wanting a hand in the unveiling.

Ben felt her hands on his shoulders; then his collar bone, watching her face, the sweep of her gaze as his shirt drifted to the floor with a light crumple.

“Oh.” Rey sat back on her hands now, curling her toes into his soft, grey bedspread.

“What?” Ben sounded temporarily panicked but Rey shook her head, biting the corner of her bottom lip.

“Don’t you know when someone is admiring you?”

Ben shook his head, looking off to the side, then up at the ceiling.

“I don’t know what to say to that.”

“So, do I get to see the rest?” She asked, pushing a foot against the top of his jeans where denim and leather met skin, met the pronounced curve of his hip that caught her attention as soon as his shirt left his body.

Ben looked down, beginning to realize this was what Rey wanted, to see all of him, the words at the table just the beginning of shared secrets and histories.

She wanted everything.

Rey was hungry and eager in a way she herself didn’t understand, but was fully aware of. She was both a hunter and a scavenger, tracking down and collecting the good, the necessary emotional and physical provisions from others. She would hoard what she needed, wondering, not sure if the supply would last until the next pursuit.

But Ben was an unlimited supply, an endless history, an infinite body before her, stretching miles to the ceiling, to touch the moons of Saturn, reaching past the floor, centered somewhere near the Earth’s core.

Ben began to undo his belt and once again Rey sat up, not content to be a mere bystander to the spectacle before her.

Her much smaller hands pushed his aside, letting the belt buckle fall to the side, not leaving well enough alone, she snatched it through the loops of his jeans only to watch Ben’s hips sway against the unexpected movement.

“Jesus,” He breathed, wondering if this was what it meant to surrender control to someone, anyone.

Rey dropped the belt with a thud on the floor beside his shirt.

Her fingers were undoing his button, then his zipper, sliding his jeans over his hips, leaning forward to put her mouth on his hip bone, first one, then the other, hands holding him steady, in place.

“Rey…” Ben’s voice was twisted around his vocal cords. His hands sat on her shoulders, one side of her sweater fallen off, her skin warm to the touch, heated, inviting. The chain of her necklace caught the small line of light coming in from the hallway lamp on one side, the moon on the other.

Rey didn’t respond to whatever request or expression Ben made, instead she let her hands grab hold of the dark blue boxer briefs attached to his body, sliding them down, moving her body half off the bed until they were past his knees, pooled around and on top of his jeans.

“Step,” she said softly.

He stepped out of his clothing, Rey’s hands moving them to the side, putting her hands on his bare feet, then the front of his calves, his thighs, and finally coming to rest on his hips again.

She looked at him from the ground up, holding him in place.

“Is this okay?” She asked.

Ben nodded.

“Is this what you want?” He asked, his voice quiet, in return. He was looking down, hair falling on the sides of his face having come loose from his earlier top knot. The hair tie was around Rey’s wrist now.

Rey wasn’t sure how to respond with words. She had no idea how to tell him this was the sort of connection she had imagined but had no reason to believe was something she deserved.

People came and went, coming and always going, but Ben had somehow already known the truths before she exposed them. Showing himself to her, he made it possible for her to say anything at all about her back catalogue of misery. She chose not to count the days, the minutes that she had known him out of fear it would cause her to grab her bag, her pride and run for the streets, the train, her own bed.

Rey looked at the man before her and saw another orphan of sorts, abandoned in plain sight, sharing a city, a lineage, but a twisted loyalty that caused them to give life to a lost boy.

Rey shook her head.

“No, it isn’t.”

Ben felt his heart plunge down to his rib cage, but Rey’s hands were still on him, her forehead against his stomach.

“I want more.” It was a statement of fact, her head, her mouth moving down to the base of him, wanting to give for what she was about to receive. This was her tithes and offerings.

Ben shook; his hands unsteady, moving from her shoulders into her hair.

“Rey, you don’t have to…”

Rey lifted her head to look up at him.

“I don’t have to do anything.” There was a beat where she moved her hand to replace where her mouth had just been.

“I want to.”

Ben closed his eyes, bright light flooding the backs of his eyelids as her mouth began to take him in. He was unsure; nervous as he knew most women couldn’t take all of him in, most didn’t even try. He was used to rarely getting pleasure this way.

“Rey, I-“

But she silenced him by pulling in more and more of him until she was nearly all the way down to the base again.

Ben reeled backwards, pulling Rey with him, half of her body following him before he righted himself, his knees turning inwards, his thighs shaking. He steadied his hands on the top of her head, combing through her hair until she pulled off of him and went down again without hesitation and Ben thought he may drop and sink into the ground below, resting comfortably between the floor boards.

“I-I---can’t, please Rey…” He didn’t know what his prayers were for or to whom, but his words were out there, existing in the universe of his bedroom, shared between the two of them and any deity that rested nearby.

Rey wasn’t ready to stop, to end her own prayer of thanks as she took her mouth off of him again, this time with a pop that caused his eyes to flicker open, unable to close them as she went down again, her hands gripping his hips so tightly, her nail beds turned red and then white.

Ben wanted to curse, wanted to scream, his toes curling against the wooden floorboards. His hands now tugged on her loose brown waves of hair, his stomach heaving in and out, desperate for a steady stream of air, drowning in bliss.

Rey stopped suddenly, still on her knees on the bed, hands at her sides now. It was her turn to be the object of his servitude. She released him before he could come undone.

Ben did his best to stand up straight, missing the touch, the pulling pressure of her mouth, his body unstable as he moved toward the bed, his knees hitting the side of the mattress.

Rey waited patiently for his hands to find the hem of her sweater, shaking hands pulling it skyward, her sword pendant caught for a moment in its fibers, falling silently back to her chest.

Her sweater fell somewhere on Ben’s bed, the size of it limitless, her body small but confident on top of the mattress and all its cushioned layers.

Rey was on her knees, and she leaned forward, her head on Ben’s chest as his hands found the back of her bra, undoing it with ease despite his numb fingertips. She felt his breath on her back, his chin tucked on top of her shoulder, watching his hands and the smooth dip of her spine.

He let his hands wander up and down her back while she was cuddled up against him, bare chests together.

Ben felt his insides straighten and pull in opposite directions, animal lust and desire on one side, longing and trepidation on the other, the rubber band pulled thin, ready to snap around his middle.

Ben tipped Rey back onto the bed fully, undoing her jeans and removing them with no flourish or preamble. She lay there now, naked except for her underwear, blood red, thin straps across her hip bones; low on her stomach.

Ben fell to his knees, using his jeans as cushion, pulling her entire body to the edge of the bed near him, his hands behind her knees.

Rey blinked up at the ceiling, re-painted a hundred times to look brand new, but still held onto the crosses and streaks of all of its previous owners.

She looked at Ben, all hair and shoulders near her feet. She had never felt more vulnerable, more powerful. The last thing he had told her was that he couldn’t, but he’d never said what he couldn’t do and she had stopped, but this time she knew that he could, that he would and that she wouldn’t dare stop him.

Rey pulled her legs up until her feet touched the bed. Her hands rested on her own thighs, Ben’s hands on the underside of her knees.

They looked at one another without saying anything. Rey wasn’t sure her body was capable of allowing her to blink out of fear of missing a moment of this person, this man, eager to worship, to pay his own debt.

Ben’s hands had moved without her noticing, resting on her hips now. Rey closed her eyes once, breathing out, readying herself as if she was about to be pushed off the side of a cliff into a cool ocean with no harsh impact, relief from desert heat at last.

“Ben.” She noticed his face twitch, moving at the sound of his name on her lips again. Something registered there at the utterance of his name, relief, comfort, a reminder of who he was, that he was hers right now.

Rey watched his mouth move closer to her, his eyes on her face, waiting for any sign to stop, any signal to pull back but none came. Instead Ben felt her muscles relax under his touch, his fingers spread out across smooth skin on hip bones.

Having pulled her as close to him as he could, he looped one finger on either side of her underwear, pulling them down and off, careful, watching his own hands until she felt them fall from around her feet.

When he let himself look up, he lay his head down on her thigh, his hand on the other leg, his gaze moving back and forth from her face to what had been revealed, in awe, a quiet reverence. Rey didn’t feel ashamed of exposed. She felt free, content to let his him roam the curves, the tender spots of her body.

Ben was still watching her as he lifted his head and opened his mouth, letting hot air touch the inside of her thigh. Rey gasped at the unexpected sensation. She didn’t have time to think as Ben moved his mouth to hover over her center, breathing hot air out again, this time all over.

The room was silent except for his long, slow puffs of air, except for Rey’s groans. Ben took his time, moving his hands and mouth in a slow dance that seemed choreographed to the tune of her pleasure.

He pulled back, running his hands up her thighs, before leaning in and down to her, running his tongue from bottom to top so slow that Rey was sure an hour must have passed in an instant. She nearly screamed, covering her mouth with one hand, the other clutching at, pulling at the blanket she lay on.

Her pleasure had dared to escape in the most feral way. Ben reached up and removed the hand that covered her mouth, holding it down to the bed by her wrist.

“Don’t,” he said before starting all over again, letting go only to grab her waist on each side.

Rey wanted to scream until her voice reached the heavens, to places she no longer believed in. She didn’t let herself look away from Ben, not for a moment, not even as she swallowed back another cry.

Ben was kissing her now, gently all over, everywhere but her clit, up and down each side of her, breathing warm air, nuzzling her with a groan. She felt his hands shake, looked down to see his fingers unsteady; long, and splayed out across her stomach.

He was holding himself in place.

Ben feared he may fall back and disappear into the thin air around them without something to anchor him. He had never sat before such a woman before, never knelt down to another person, a being almost other worldly until now.

There was a moment he considered that he ought to convince himself it was just sex, just two bodies together after martinis and wine, lonely and turned on, single parents, attractive and professional, destined to fall into bed together.

But the light cast around Rey scooped him up and out of some darkness he both knew well and wasn’t fully aware of until recently. He was wide eyed and enchanted.

His mouth grazed her pussy, lips and then tongue, hot air followed by kisses that went on and on until he felt Rey’s body tighten beneath him, her muscles and joints working to locate the source of her desire.

“Oh my god,” Rey was panting now, chest rising and falling, thin shoulders pointed upward, her body in revolt, legs resting on his shoulders, keeping them both on Earth.

She only saw the top of Ben’s head now, and she reached for and grabbed handfuls of black hair, wavy near the tips, the dark strands like fresh soil sprouting from the ground between her fingers.

The sight of him lost in her, no longer able to see his face, only able to hear his moans and feel the vibrations and touch of his mouth, sent Rey crashing down into an orgasm, grasping at Ben’s hair, his shoulders, feet sliding across his back and down the sides of his arms.

Ben looked up at her, wet from his nose to his chin, his breathing broken; vision blurred.

He moved to touch her at last; two fingers poised to find their way inside of her, ready to find every angle that would bring another wave of pleasure to her.

“Don’t.” It was her turn to stop him. She looked down at his fingers, soaked from merely touching the surface, the folds of her.

“That’s not enough,” she breathed.

She wanted everything.

Rey started to pull him up by the shoulders towards her, aligning their bodies, but Ben stayed still, diving in again, not content to leave well enough alone.

“Ben, _fuck_ ,” Rey’s head hit the mattress, giving up her tug of war, his tongue flat going up against her over and over again. It was the combination of that motion, his hands on her shaky thighs holding her in place, and the look on his face that sent her cascading through another orgasm.

“Come here now,” she was panting, but there was one more orgasm waiting for her at the edge of his thumb, the backs of his fingers resting against her clit as his tongue wound and arched its way into her, causing her back to lift off the bed, her hands clawing at creamy white shoulders, leaving their mark.

“Rey,” he murmured against the deepest place in her, full of the taste of her, his hand on himself now but Rey refused to let things end that way, their bodies apart for far too long.

Rey pulled at the tops of his arms, desperate for him to rise up and join her on the bed and Ben followed her lead, his knees sinking into the mattress on either side of her.

Rey took in this new sight of him, on his knees above her. She put her hands on his stomach keeping him there so she could look for as long as she wanted.

“You are….” Rey started but the sentence didn’t end because it could have finished a thousand different ways, all full of praise and some sort of adoration that she never let herself feel or say out loud before, for fear of everything being snatched away. She had only given him a peek over her castle walls but it was enough.

He was striking, kneeling over her this way, taking her in too, letting her feel his skin, the muscles underneath, the prominent hip bones she so clearly adored.

Ben, raking his eyes down the shape of her, wondered how one person could balance being so compact and wild all at the same time, stubborn and giving in equal measure.

Rey looked at the size of him, in body and stature. He was bigger than anyone she had ever been with, and her hands found their way to his cock, running along each side of him, palms flat, thumbs meeting at the tip, watching his face.

She wanted to show appreciation for what she suspected had been a source of hesitation, even embarrassment with less knowing women. She wasn’t surprised when she had stripped him of his clothing to see how large he was but she could tell by the language of his body that he was expecting shock, protests from her. She had given him just the opposite.

Ben shuddered, fists hitting the mattress on either side of her shoulders, unable to remain upright. His hair fell down towards Rey, touching her forehead, the sides of her face.

Rey smiled, sweet and sublime now in the midst of their frenzied desire.

“I can’t wait any longer Rey,” Ben’s voice wasn’t demanding, but a simple statement, seeing her smile, looking at her body; his cock inches from her, the heat rising from her body.

Rey nodded, hands on his shoulders pulling him down, understanding his impatience, his wanting the wait for so many things to come to an end.

Ben dipped his body down, sliding himself all the way into Rey without hesitation, a man dying of thirst finding the fountain of endurance, youth at the center of her body. The sound he made was one of relief, a wild animal comforted after a long night spent wandering the woods alone.

He muffled his cries against her neck, lifting her bottom half off the bed with both hands, bringing their bodies together, to rise and fall with the motion he put into place.

“Ben,” Rey’s voice pushed its way out from between clenched teeth. There was no need for protection, she had an IUD placed after Ollie was born, never wanting another child with her ex-husband. There was no need to stop Ben, to have him protect himself in any way, wanting all of him, like she’d said at the dining room table.

And there was the feel of him, stretching and spreading her open, causing her insides to turn inward and rush forward; she clung to his shoulders, her legs locked around his waist.

And there was the feel of her, wrapped around, clenching down on Ben, as if she had never been taken before and she hadn’t, not in this way, not by him.

Ben stayed on top of her, bringing her to him, closer and closer, until he reached behind, lifting her up, first on his knees and then sitting up in bed, pulling her into his lap. His arms were around her, her arms around his neck and now she was in control, moving her hips slow at first, and then fast, desperate for another orgasm, riding him in a way she knew would give her what she wanted.

Rey leaned back, anchoring herself with one arm around Ben’s neck, her other hand behind her on the bed.

“My god,” Ben breathed.

He let her take over, happy to exist in the space of her control and self-pleasure. He wanted her to have a thousand more, to come over and over again until she disappeared between his sheets, rendered boneless by his hand, his body.

Ben had been used most of his life it turned out, but this was willing sacrifice, the type of giving he was aware of, and the kind of generosity that came back to him tenfold.

He watched Rey, hitting the walls inside of her as she came again, eyes squeezed shut, forehead hitting his collarbone, oblivious to pain, both of them.

Ben moved her hair from her face, placing his hands back on her hips as she kept going, relentless in her pursuit but he was close, his stomach muscles tightening; the rubber band of want ready to pull apart and break.

“Rey—“

She shook her head, knowing, reading his mind, his body as she always seemed to do.

“Don’t pull out, it’s okay. I promise,” she words were rushed, whispered. Ben listened, keeping himself inside of her as he let go, the release more than physical, the buildup of more than this evening coming to an end.

Her name was a yelp, a howl on his lips, brazen against the skin of her chest, hands clawing at her back, filling her up, emptying himself out in a way that felt like an exorcism of sorts, stubborn angels coming to take his insides and replace them with good things.

Rey came again too, hands falling apart, unable to gain traction on his chest, soaked with sweat, black hair sticking to the sides of his neck.

Ben fell back first, Rey toppling over on top of him, lying there, breathing in the scent near his neck, his arm pit, his hands resting on her spine, their bodies cooling off on sheets spotted with their sweat, their desire.

They breathed together, feeling child-like, tired from a day of running wild and free in open, endless fields. Rey closed her eyes. She saw the field, littered with sunflowers and daises, not an island this time.

She pulled at Ben, reminding herself he was there, not a child, but a man beneath her. She wanted to say they only needed each other, nothing and no one else. He wanted to say the same.

But instead Rey let her mind rest in the field of wildflowers, casting a gaze at the sun, knowing Ben was walking toward her from the distant woods, bringing cool air, leaving the wolves dead, defeated in the forest.

~ ~~

Rey wasn’t alarmed when she awoke in Ben’s bed early the next morning. For the first time in weeks no alarm or child had caused her to wake up, blinking her eyes against a soft, dark grey pillow. Her body had simply known it was time to rise, to take in what and who surrounded her.

She lay facing a wall full of Japanese art no doubt actually purchased in Japan that she hadn’t noticed the night before. Her eyes took in the rest of Ben’s bedroom now, details missed in the half-dark and temporary blindness where she had only seen Ben.

There was a double, walk in closet opposite the bed, a true rarity in New York. One door was open, revealing a row of suits and perfectly lined shoes on a row above. There were plush rugs beneath the bed and a reading chair near the window, one black, the other grey. The chair had two pillows sitting against the back, a copy of a Ta-Neishi Coates book sitting on the ottoman in front, using the flap of the cover as a bookmark.

It looked like the bedroom of an architect, or a lawyer in this case, a well-read, single Dad, with the toy Ben had stepped on last night lying at the foot of the bed. Rey smiled when she saw it.

She looked around to see a full length mirror mounted on the wall near the door and imagined Ben standing before it every morning, giving himself a final once over before heading out for work in his pristine, tailored suits, hair wavy and wild, despite his best efforts to tame it. She knew it was messy by the time he arrived at the office, jostled by fellow commuters on the train, the walking; the weather.

Rey was covered in a sheet up to her shoulders, her body sore, but relaxed in Ben’s bed. She reached for her phone to look at the time. Ollie would still be asleep, Claire too, but she sent a quick message letting her know she was alive.

Rey bit her lip, debating whether or not to tell Finn she was alive, but that seemed ridiculous. He wasn’t her keeper. She was a grown woman and she was more than alive or okay. She felt as if she could float off the bed, turning the four corners of wrought iron bed posts into mantles in which to hang white flags from.

She felt Ben move behind her, his arm was resting her hip, his mouth on the nape of her neck. Rey wanted to turn around and look at him, see his sleepy smile, his hair stuck to his pillow and forehead, but she lay there, letting him rub a circle on her skin with his thumb, shallow breathing as he fell in and out of sleep.

Rey envied him, wanting to return to slumber, but grateful for the few moments she had to herself to take in her surroundings, to be with Ben, to feel him, to be selfish with their time and space. She was able to be a quiet observer, not intruding but left alone to see where the night, the weeks prior had brought her.

She felt safe here, comfortable. She wasn’t hurrying out the door, shoes in hand, stopping at the street vendor to grab cheap, strong coffee, hailing a cab to rush home to make Ollie breakfast, nursing a hangover with toast and eggs and tonic water the rest of the morning, watching bad Netflix until she felt human again.

No, this time she knew the morning would be slow, deliberate, shared. She watched it unfold in her mind before it happened.

Ben was stirring behind her in bed, his breathing less even, his grip tighter on her now. She leaned into him, back to his front, closing her eyes. She felt his lips make their way up and down her neck, moving her hair out of the way, then light kisses on her shoulder.

He was hard again. Rey pushed back against him, wanting more, wanting to never leave the confines of his bed, his bedroom suddenly their sanctuary. Her mind was awake now as well as her body.

She sighed, finally allowing herself to roll over to face him. The sight that awaited her was exactly as she had pictured it. Ben’s hair was a mess against the pillow, against his face. His eyes were hazy with sleep, and he was smiling, one sharp tooth poking at the corner of his mouth.

“You’re still here,” he said, his voice hoarse, his first words of the day saved just for her.

Rey nodded. “So are you.”

They both needed to say it, to see the other person, someone who hadn’t left them, someone who kept their promises, someone who didn’t lie to them.

They needed proof the other was real.

So they touched one another now, slowly, without speaking, fingers running over shoulder blades and collar bones, hands resting on one another’s chests, rubbing their foreheads together.

“Can we stay here forever?” Rey’s voice was small, lips twisted against her pillow.

Ben nodded; his face suddenly serious at Rey’s half-joking request.

“I can make that happen.” And he meant it. And Rey believed him.

But the day awaited them both.

Ben’s face remained solemn, studying Rey’s features, looking for any sign of unease, or regret. Rey knew he was looking for it, waiting for her to ask where her clothes were and run as fast as she could away from him. He would have let her go, wouldn’t have dreamed of stopping her, but she was made no move to go. Her face was relaxed, at ease. She slid one hand under her cheek, flat on the pillow, still looking at him.

“What do you want?” His voice was still raspy, his hand wrapped around her, holding onto her waist beneath the sheet.

Rey thought for a moment.

“Eggs. Strawberries and blueberries. And bacon. And toast. And coffee. Lots of coffee.”

Ben’s laugh was a loud croak, pulling her even closer.

“Whatever you want, it’s yours.”

He wanted to continue taking care of her. She wondered for a moment if his question had been broader, if he had expected a different answer, something grander, a small piece as part of a bigger picture, but first, breakfast, together.

They dragged themselves away from one another and out of bed, Ben pulling fresh towels and washcloths from the hall closet for their shower.

The shower was marble and huge with sliding glass doors and four shower sprays, two on each side. Rey continued to marvel at how everything in Ben’s apartment felt like it came from another world. Everything was built to scale to suit him, tall with gentle, thoughtful touches.

They made out in the shower, laughing at newly created inside jokes, and eventually let the hot water run out (Rey guessed some parts of his apartment were still very much New York) as Ben pressed Rey against the cool marble of the shower wall, sliding one, then two and eventually three fingers inside of her, until she moaned, one leg around his waist, biting his shoulder, warm mouth and cool water combining on his skin. Both had marks all over them from the night before and now this morning, breadcrumbs to follow for the next time.

Rey tried to return the favor by wrapping both hands around Ben, sliding her hands up and down, teasing the tip with her thumb but Ben stopped her, shaking his head.

“I want to wait.”

Rey blinked; drops of water on her lashes and cheekbones.

“Is everything alright?” Of course she would check in on him.

Ben nodded. “Yes. Everything is perfect. It’s never been so perfect. Ever. In my entire life.” He reached over to switch off the water to all four shower heads.

“I just want to take care of you right now. Will you let me do that?”

Rey swallowed. “Y-you have been. It’s all you’ve done since I met you.”

Ben was rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“I want to do more.” He knew despite his best efforts it would never be enough to make up for the shit storm her parents had thrown her way, for the disastrous path they had placed her upon.

Rey stepped in front of Ben, hugging him with all the might left in her exhausted bones, their wet bodies touching; cool in the silent shower.

“We’ll help one another. We will figure it out.” Rey didn’t know what else to say, so she looked at Ben instead, hoping to convey what she meant, how she felt and hope that it made sense.

“But in the meantime,” she stepped back, tapping his chest, any excuse to touch him once more. “I am absolutely famished. Where’s that amazing breakfast you promised me?”

Ben’s laugh echoed in the walls around them, Rey joining him. He was starving too.

Ben opened the door, wrapping Rey in an oversized white towel after helping her out of the shower. He rubbed her shoulders over the towel, pulling up the ends of the towel to help dry her hair, wet and wavy now around her neck and shoulders. He showed her where the hair dryer was under the sink, making a mental note to buy lotion and shampoo and whatever else she needed to keep at his apartment. He would create space in his drawers and cabinets for her things; he would ask her for a list.

Rey dried her hair, turning the dryer off to hear the low, comforting sounds of NPR news playing in the kitchen. She smiled, noticing one of Ben’s robes hanging on the back of the door, far too big, but soft and beyond comfortable. She wrapped the dark blue fabric around her, triple typing the belt around her waist as she padded towards to the kitchen, the smells of breakfast being made greeting her in the hallway.

Ben was at the stove, shirtless, wearing drawstring, grey pajama pants, bare feet; his hair pulled back completely in a ponytail. Rey stood against the wall separating the living room from the kitchen watching him for a few minutes, his broad shoulders at work, hands holding spatulas and forks. His back had red streaks, fingernail scratches from her hands were all over. Rey stood there, admiring her work until he felt her presence, turning around, still holding a spatula.

“Good morning, again.” He looked her up and down, pleased at the sight of her in something that belonged to him. “I see you found my robe.”

Rey walked over, standing on tip toe to kiss him on the cheek.

“I hope that’s okay.”

He gave a short laugh. “It’s more than okay.” He reached over her head to pull down two coffee mugs. “Although wearing nothing is okay too.”

“Oh is it now?” Rey teased, smacking him on the ass, feeling playful despite her lack of sleep. The last time she had looked at the clock it had been 4:00 a.m. and they had just finished another round, both falling face first onto their pillows, sweaty and shattered for the third time that evening.

Rey stood at the kitchen island while Ben finished making breakfast, eggs and bacon crackling in a pan on the stove, the espresso machine running on the counter.

She had one bare foot crossed over the other, texting Claire her plan; she would come home and hang with Ollie, then work again. Her minutes, her time was precious, so Rey did her best to make each one count, especially now with Ben in the picture.

They had breakfast sitting on matching black leather stools at the island, Rey swinging her feet, talking as they ate; comfortable in one another’s presence, in no rush for the morning to end.

Ben swatted Rey’s attempts to help with the dishes, and sent her away to the bedroom to get ready.

He was still cleaning up the kitchen when she emerged in most of last night’s clothes, except she had shrugged on one of his many black cardigans she found in his closet. It was clearly his favorite article of clothing, she thought, amused.

“I left the robe on the bed, but I am borrowing your sweater,” she said simply, putting her bag on the table by the door.

Ben looked at her again, wearing another piece of his clothing. He nodded his approval as he closed the dishwasher, letting it hum beneath the counter. He walked over to grab hold of her waist, lifting her off the floor in the foyer.

“You can keep it.”

Rey laughed. “I’m sure I can. You only have about 1,000.”

“Suits and sweaters, that’s me.”

Rey touched the tip of his ponytail. “I like both, so that works.”

“You do?”

Rey nodded. “Though I am partial to suits. And wearing nothing, that’s okay too.”

This time Ben chuckled, his words coming back to him. 

“Well, that works out perfectly.”

Their goodbye wasn’t overwrought or dramatic; they would see one another soon. Ben walked Rey to the elevator, holding hands, pressing L for lobby. They kissed until the car reached his floor, not caring or paying attention to who walked by. He held her hand until the doors closed, forcing them to separate and she laughed, telling him he was crazy. They made plans to see one another again that week.

Ben jogged back down the hall to his apartment, walking inside and closing the door. He was elated but felt the rooms double in size, emptier now without her.

~ ~ ~

Ben was texting Rey as his third conference call of the day ended. They were making dinner plans for that evening. He was sitting at his desk, door closed, his office phone on speaker, only taken off of mute when he had to speak, something to add or some interjection to make on behalf of his client. He was tapping his foot on the floor under his desk.

Hux was talking now and Ben sat back, letting Hux take over as he scanned through his email, pulling up his calendar to plan out the rest of his week.

Ben had Tristian most of the week as Rebecca was going out of town for work. She had a client in Oregon that insisted on seeing her in person every six weeks, to do life coaching sessions and retreats in person. The client was yet another rich asshole that worked in tech and liked to be one with seashells and tarot cards in some posh cabin for $1000 a day on the Oregon coast. But Ben kept his mouth shut. It wasn’t his job to care or judge anymore and he was grateful for the extra time with Trin.

But it left little time to be with Rey. Between work and Trin, he was scanning his calendar to see what he could make work. He made a mental note to ask Zorrii for help, she was a wizard at re-arranging his life to keep him sane. She somehow made time appear out of nowhere.

Hux was droning on when an idea occurred to Ben. He tapped his pen against his laptop keys, mulling it over before picking up his phone to text Rey what he was thinking.

It had been a little over two months since they met. He wondered if enough time had passed so that his idea wouldn’t be considered insane by Rey. It made sense to him, but he never wanted to push Rey out of her comfort zone, never wanted to rush her into something she didn’t fully want. Ever since the night at his place, where they came undone in front of one another at his table, in his bed, Ben made sure to let Rey lead the way.

Still, he wouldn’t know unless he asked. The decision would still be hers.

He typed a quick message, not letting himself think about it too much.

_Hey, I was thinking that since I have Trin all this week and most of the weekend, if it would be too soon for everyone to meet? The kids, I mean. Totally fine if you don’t feel comfortable with that; I just wanted to put it out there as an option._

He paused, and then hit send, wanting to keep the request simple.

Ben set his phone down on the desk, trying not to look at it every couple of minutes as the meeting finally ended. Now he was left with only email to distract himself until Rey responded.

His phone dinged when he was in the middle of responding to a client; Rey’s ring tone. Ben grabbed the phone unlocking it quickly, going straight to his messages.

_Hi there. I think that’s certainly something we can talk about tonight at dinner. Ollie’s been asking where I go when I see you and it doesn’t feel right to keep saying that you’re…just my friend. See you at six?_

Ben smiled, imagining Rey talking to her daughter at the kitchen table or when tucking her in at night, doing her best to describe Ben in a neutral way. He was sure Ollie picked up on her Mother’s happiness. Kids never missed a beat.

He could picture Rey at her desk at work, biting her thumbnail as she typed her response, remaining open to whatever brought them closer. Ben, knowing how protective Rey was over Ollie, more so he was with Trin, Ollie being the one thing, the one person Rey knew belonged to her. Ben hoped to change that over time but for now, he knew what he was asking for.

_See you at six._

Ben looked at the new photo on his desk, a picture of just him and Tristian, his real family, his only family now. Tristian was on his shoulders at Coney Island. Poe had taken the photo. Trin was holding a blue cone of cotton candy the size of his head, smiling with matching blue teeth. Ben was smiling too, wearing solid black ray bans, the beach behind them, crowded like always in the summer.

Ben loved living in New York, knowing they could hop on the train and be at the beach in no time, at the National History Museum in even less. He didn’t care if his Father thought he owned this town, his Mother too for that matter. This city was both large enough to hide in and small enough to see people you thought you’d never see again, passing by without a second glance, strangers once again.

His gaze fell to the photo again, this time picturing Rey and Ollie there, Ollie on Rey’s shoulders with a candied apple, a sticky smile and fingers. His family had room to grow. Ben could subtract but he could also add to it.

Ben flicked his laptop screen to life again, resuming work, but letting the idea play out in his head, seeing a beach, an island in his mind’s eye, the nights and days belonging to the four of them in a place no one knew about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter earned the story's E rating, at last!  
> Thank you again to everyone who has read, commented, left kudos, subscribed etc. It means so much to me and keeps me going. x  
> The SNL promo gave me plenty of hip bone fodder as you can tell. Who knew? Another obsession to add to the list.


	9. Sweet Creature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey talk to Ollie and Tristan about their plans. Poe complains. Rey reveals something to Ben. Sexting, yoga and Halloween!

Ben was lying next to Tristian in bed, a book between them, one set of legs much longer than the other. The lamp was on beside the bed, the soft light hitting Ben’s shoulder. They were both in their pajamas, Tristian in a Superman top and bottoms, Ben wearing a soft grey V-neck shirt and matching grey plaid drawstring pants. Both boys had their feet crossed at the ankle above the covers; both had their long hair pulled away from their faces.

Ben read the words on the page, even though Tristian told him he was too old for all this and that he didn’t need to do it anymore. But Ben enjoyed this time together and wasn’t ready to let it go. It was one of the few sweet memories he had of his own Father, tucking him into bed sometimes and reading stories of knights and cowboys, damsels in distress and their faithful heroes.

But stories were different now. The heroes on the pages looked and sounded different, the damsels now rescued the knights in not so shiny armor. Ben read and turned each page in his own kind of wonder, pleased at how things had changed, how the fair maidens and queens now brought the pages, the fools and the kings back to life.

Tristian’s head was leaning against Ben’s arm, Ben’s chin resting on his son’s mop of brown and black curls as they finished the chapter for the night, ready to resume the next day.

Trin lifted his head and poked his Dad in the ribs through his thin t-shirt.

“It’s okay if it doesn’t have a happy ending.” His voice was matter-of-fact.

Ben looked down at his son.

“What’s that?”

Trin tapped the book now in Ben’s lap.

“The story. It’s okay if everyone doesn’t end up happy.”

Ben sat up to look closer at Tristian.

“What makes you say that?” It wasn’t that Ben disagreed; he just wasn’t sure how or when his young son had gotten into re-writing or imagining bad endings to things.

Trin shrugged.

“Cos why not?”

Ben sat back, thinking for a bit.

“I guess you’re right, things don’t always work out.” He paused, studying the top of his son’s head, his small body compared to his own. Ben didn’t try to read his son’s mind, but chose his next words carefully.

“But sometimes they do. Sometimes when things end, like me and your mom splitting up, it’s hard at first but then it makes everybody feel better after a while. Things settle down and people can be truly happy.”

Trin was waiting for him to go on.

“And I think that’s true for me and your Mom. We both still love you, more than ever. You’re the most important thing in the world to both of us.” He pulled Tristian closer.

“I just want you to know that maybe new things, new people will come into your mom’s life, into mine and that’s okay too. It doesn’t take away what you mean to us. Nothing will ever change that.”

This time Tristian looked up at his Father, curious.

“New people?”

Ben swallowed and stared at the X-Men poster on the back of his son’s door.

“Well, sure. I’m sure your Mom will meet someone or people who make her happy one day.” He took a long pause before he said the next sentence.

“And you know, I’ve met someone I really like.”

Trin was still looking at him. He made a face now.

“Like a girl?”

Ben laughed.

“Yes, like a girl. Her name is Rey.”

“Is she your girlfriend?”

Ben was always surprised by the unflinching honesty of his son, the genuine curiosity without fear. He hoped he never lost it. He envied him.

Ben nodded, speaking cautiously.

“Yes, I think she is. We see each other a couple of times a week. She’s a Doctor and she’s from England. She’s very funny, and makes me laugh a lot.”

“She makes you happy?”

Ben couldn’t hide his smile from his son or anyone within a fifty mile radius.

“Yes, she does. She makes me very happy.”

“Does Mom know?”

Ben shook his head.

“No, Mom doesn’t know and I don’t know everything about her life anymore either. We still care about one another and love you, will always love you, but we have our own lives now. But you will always be the first thing we think about.”

Ben couldn’t say it enough, as much for his own sake as Tristian’s. He would say it every day, ten thousand times a day as long as he lived until Trin knew it to be true in the core of his being. All the words his own Father waited too long, too late to say, if he ever said them at all, would never go un-uttered by Ben. He wanted there to be no doubt in Tristian’s mind what he meant to him, to both him and Rebecca.

Trin was still quiet beside him so Ben kept talking.

“I was thinking that maybe we could hang out with Rey sometime soon. She has a kid too, a daughter named Ollie. She’s about your age. But if you don’t feel comfortable with it, that’s okay too. You tell me what you want.”

Ben could tell Trin was thinking, taking his time, letting Ben’s words roll over him and settle in.

“I know it’s a lot at once. You can take your time and think about it. Nothing has to be decided tonight.”

Tristian’s body felt heavy beside Ben now, sleep settling in behind his eyelids. His fingers curled around Ben’s thumb the way he had done when he was a baby, a sign of trust, of love.

Ben kissed the crown of his head, resting his cheek there, tempted to fall asleep in his son’s bed.

“We can hang out with Rey…” Tristian’s words were soft and slow; the last he would whisper before his breathing deepened, sleep coming to him easy.

Ben listened for a while, comfortable where he was, surrounded the soft sounds of his son’s breathing, the soft glow of the bedside lamp and nightlight plugged in nearby.

Ben got up slowly, lowering Trin’s head onto his pillow, placing a kiss on his flushed cheek, tucking the book away in a drawer under the bed. He reached over to switch off the lamp with a soft click and stood in the dark for a moment, his eyes adjusting to the small silhouette in the bed below.

He let a hand rest on top of the covers, sending some sort of quiet life force through his body to his son’s. Perhaps thanking him, or sending him all good things, hope and dreams in his sleep, hoping he felt the love he had for him even atop the fortresses and among the clouds in lands far, far away.

~ ~ ~

Ollie stood on tip toes beside Rey, looking in the bathroom mirror, pretending she was rubbing vitamin e oil on her chest, mimicking all the movements of removing her make up from the day just like her Mother was doing. They wore matching bath robes, Rey’s white, and Ollie’s mint green.

“Did you brush your teeth?”

Ollie nodded, hands now on the edge of the sink.

“Do you know what you want to wear to school tomorrow?”

Ollie nodded again. “The purple shirt and suspenders.”

“And jeans?” Rey asked pulling her hair back into a ponytail.

“Yep!” Ollie cheered.

Rey smiled at her daughter in the mirror.

“Are you excited for show and tell tomorrow?”

Ollie began to do a little dance around the bathroom, circling around her mother, holding onto her hips until Rey was laughing.

“I guess that’s a yes.”

“I’m going to show everyone pictures of our house we used to have back in England. And then I’m going to tell them how much it rains and about the dog that lived next door.”

Rey was watching Ollie move around the bathroom now, unsure what to say, not wanting to interrupt her joy. She wanted her to talk about her home land, wanted her to keep her memories alive, and share them. Rey had no desire to ever return to England, but it was a part of who Ollie was. She didn’t want to keep that from her.

“I think that sounds like a good plan.” Rey walked over, following Ollie out of the bathroom, switching off the light, tightening the belt of her robe around her waist.

“But for now, bedtime.”

Ollie sighed, but hopped in bed, digging herself deep down into the Wonder Woman covers.

Rey sat on the edge of the bed. She took one of Ollie’s hands in her own.

“Do you like living in New York sweetheart?”

Ollie nodded, picking at her lip with her other hand.

“And do you like your friends at your new school? Do you like your new teacher Mrs. Chambers?”

Ollie thought for a moment. “I like Sydney best, and Mrs. Chambers is pretty nice most of the time.”

Rey laughed and reached up to smooth a piece of brown hair away from her daughter’s forehead.

“I like Sydney a lot too. I’m glad she’s your friend.” 

Rey paused, thinking about her conversation with Ben a few nights before, when he had brought up the idea of having Tristian and Ollie meet, of meeting one another’s kids and how to go about it. They had talked about it all over cheap wine and dinner at a low-key Caribbean place in Brooklyn where Ben could barely fit into a booth.

She knew she would eventually have to tell Ollie about Ben. She was glad he had brought it up first, saving her the burden of overthinking the idea and putting it off until she could no longer avoid it and all the words would tumble out in an anxious rush. No, Ben had stepped in and made the first move and for that she was grateful. Ben could be fearless about what he wanted; a trait Rey recognized in herself.

Rey took a deep breath and forged ahead.

“Mummy likes making new friends too. And I’ve made a new friend recently…someone who…I really enjoy spending time with. Maybe he’s more than a friend.” Rey cleared her throat.

“He _is_ more than a friend.”

Ollie was paying close attention now, head tilted, listening.

“And I know there’s been a lot of change at once, what with moving and changing schools, and Mum and Dad splitting up-“

Ollie shrugged. “Daddy is happier too.”

Rey was stopped in her tracks, looking at her daughter, wanting to ask endless questions. _What did the two of them talk about when they Skyped or Facetimed?_ But this wasn’t the time or place. She had to get this out.

Another deep breath and, “Well, I’m happy that Daddy is happy. And Mummy is happy too. I’m happy at work, I’m happy I met Finn and I’m always happy to have _you_ around, little munchkin.” Rey reached up to tickle Ollie’s belly and under her arms, causing a shriek of laughter.

“And I’m happy when I’m with my new fr-my…I’m happy when I’m with Ben too.” Rey bit her bottom lip waiting on Ollie to say something.

“Does he like you too?”

Rey felt the blood in her body rush to her head, looking down at herself from somewhere on the ceiling. She was lightheaded, confused and soaring on twelve different emotions at Ollie asking about Ben, at the thought of Ben, at thinking about what Ben potentially felt for her. It all came at Rey like a smooth arrow cut through the air, hitting her directly in the chest.

“I um…well…we…he…”

Ollie was studying her Mother, seeing right through her, Rey suspected.

“Ben he…I think he likes Mummy too.” Rey was fidgeting now, but she pushed her shoulders back, regaining composure and focus.

“It would mean a lot to me if you were to meet Ben.” She cut her eye down at Ollie, who was still waiting for her Mother to finish.

“And you know what else? Ben has a son. His name is Tristian. And I would like for you to meet him too one day.”

“One day?” Ollie finally spoke up, her mouth half-hidden by her hand.

Rey nodded. “Only when you’re ready. But I know Ben can’t wait to meet you.” 

Every time Rey said his name she felt a shiver make its way across and through her, a feeling of newness and comfort, disbelief and happiness at the idea, at the reality of him. She wondered if any part of those feelings would ever fade.

“How tall is Ben?”

Rey laughed. “Well, he’s quite tall actually. He’s taller than me.”

“But you’re short!” Ollie protested.

“Okay, okay, well he’s….” Rey got off the bed and moved to stand on a small chair in the corner of Ollie’s room.

“He’s about this tall.” She raised her arm and looked up. “Maybe a little taller.”

Ollie gasped. “He’s a giant!”

Rey hopped down from the chair, flopping back on the bed beside Ollie.

“It sure feels that way sometimes. But he isn’t scary at all. He’s very kind and understanding. Gentle.” She hoped Ollie would understand what she was trying to say.

Ollie was quiet for a while and Rey began to worry. Maybe it was too soon, maybe Ollie wasn’t ready. She was ready to take it all back when Ollie slid down under the covers, yawning.

“Okay Mummy. We can meet them.”

Rey felt her heart bound out of her chest and into her throat. It was real now. There was no going back.

“Well, alright little one. Time for bed. We can discuss the details later.” 

Ollie nodded and Rey pulled the covers up to her chin, giving her one last quick kiss on the forehead. She got off the bed and switched the light off by the door, closing the door, leaving a thin slice of light in the room from the hall.

Rey counted the steps to her own bedroom where she entered, sitting down her on her bed, picking her phone up off the mattress. She was going to text Ben and say it was all okay, that they could go ahead with this, but something stopped her.

Ben had texted her a photo of himself in his bathroom mirror, shirtless, holding his phone sideways with the caption; _Am I doing this right? Is this what all the ladies want? Should I be holding a fish or a baby tiger?_

Rey stifled a laugh with her hand, one so loud it made her snort. She stared at the photo, admiring Ben’s body, the muscular arms, his torso and chest, the curve of his hips that were quickly becoming one of her favorite parts of him. She let herself enjoy the photo, laying back on her bed, zooming in without shame on his neck, his hands.

She typed back quickly.

_Maybe a picture with your hair up?_

An image came through a few minutes later. This time Ben sent a photo of himself clearly having just gotten out of the shower, hair pulled back with a hair tie, just a few pieces falling down near his face. He was in bed, leaning up against pillows pushed up on his wrought iron headboard, his arm on his stomach.

Rey sighed, letting the phone fall to her chest. She waited a few beats before responding.

 _That does things to me._ She didn’t care if she sounded like a teenage girl talking to her first crush.

 _Like what?_ Ben didn’t hesitate to respond.

Rey opened her mouth, as if she was going to respond with words, like Ben was there in her bedroom right now, waiting for her at the door.

_Like…I wish you were here right now. But then again I often do._

Rey sent the text, not sure which part was more intimate. But it was too late now.

Her phone dinged.

_Me too. Wish you were here or me there. I’m fine with either._

Another text.

_So why the hair up?_

Rey felt a ghost shape or figure taking control of her fingers, taking over any control she had in typing out a response.

_It looks good. Sexy. And I can tug on it easier that way; pull it out of its place if I want._

There was no reply for a while and Rey was looking at her phone, willing words to pop up on the screen, those three magic bubbles to appear.

Instead it was another picture of Ben, his hair down and disheveled, wet from the shower and the words; _like this?_

Rey made a sound in her throat was half groan, half moan.

_Are you doing a virtual strip tease for me?_

The response was quick.

_Yes._

Rey didn’t know where to go next. Her thoughts from earlier derailed, now the animal part of her brain taking over everything else.

_So let’s see._

It was a challenge, but also a request, almost a plea. She wanted, needed something to alleviate the thoughts from earlier, the worry she had at bringing up Ben to Ollie. She wanted to pause, to escape before opening another door in a hallway she had only began to walk down.

Ben was a willing participant, sending her a photo of his naked chest and torso, and below, showing his paper thin boxer briefs, decorated with penguins which made her laugh, but his erection was on full and plain display beneath the material.

 _Love the boxers._ She replied.

Another photo. This time of Ben’s hand cupping his hard cock through the boxers and a text; _You asked for more._

Rey nodded to no one, hand up to her lips again, a finger sneaking its way into her mouth, between her teeth.

_I did. And I’m still waiting._

Rey held her breath as the next photo came through, this time, Ben’s cock out of the boxers, standing up straight, almost out of frame of the photo, his hand at the base.

 _So bossy._ That was the text.

Rey’s head was spinning.

She had never asked for or received such a photo before. She’d heard stories of women getting photos of men they didn’t want, horrific tales she had been grateful to escape, but this wasn’t the case. She drank in the image, looking at everything in the shot; Ben’s long legs stretched out on the bed, the flat of his stomach above the edge of his boxers, his hand holding himself.

_My, my, my. That’s quite the goodnight._

There was something else there too, besides the lust, the yearning and distance between them. There was the trust that Ben had in her to send such photos, the willingness in him to share these parts of himself when she knew he could be closed off, private. When she knew that he had never done such a thing before.

Rey’s own hand moved down and beneath her pajama bottoms, past her underwear. She let the tips of her fingers linger there, feeling her wetness. Ben had done this with a handful of photos and a few words. She wasn’t bothered by how little it took to get her to this place. If anything, she was surprised, pleased, not letting herself overthink or focus on anything other than the feeling of her hand touching herself.

 _I really wish you were here._ _Fuck._ Another text from Ben.

She wanted to ask what he was doing, wanted to ask for more photographic evidence for her own pleasure.

_Pretend that I am. What would you do?_

Rey waited, her hand running up and down the length of her, slick. She touched her thighs, spreading the wetness there, waiting for his response.

_I guess the question is what wouldn’t I do._

Rey wanted more.

_Would you do anything I told you?_

No hesitation from him.

_Yes._

She put one finger inside herself, typing with her free hand.

_I think I’d like for you to go down on me for hours. Then I’d like for you to be on your back letting me be on top until I came, but you’d have to wait. I want you to pull my hair in frustration. I want you to watch me get myself off but you can’t touch yourself until I say._

She put another finger in, her thumb circling her clit. It was getting harder to focus on typing. She liked the idea of Ben withholding his own pleasure for hers, knowing he would get his turn, knowing he would get whatever he wanted from her, that she would gladly give it.

 _Yes._ Was all he said again. And then, _I want you to leave bruises on me._

Rey studied the words for a moment, not put off, curious. She instantly understood his desire, the feeling, the need to be overwhelmed, over taken by another person, by someone you trusted who knew your body inside and out, or at least wanted to learn.

They had both been hurt by people who they had once trusted, they had been used, made poor decisions. But now they found someone they trusted enough to push their limits and boundaries, knowing they were safe, knowing there would always be a balance between heavy, rougher means and lighter, more gentle ways of showing how they felt about one another.

Rey imagined Ben pulling her hair so tight that she couldn’t see. She imagined biting his shoulder until it left a mark. She imagined being held down on the bed by his hands, the weight and size of his body until he felt ready to release her. She imagined being asked, reminded by Ben who they belonged to and she would say, each other.

Possession was something she feared in the wrong hands, with the wrong person. Now she wanted to be owned and to own in return.

She typed back _, I want that too. All of it._

There was more to say, but Rey felt herself getting close, her hips pushing upward, away from the bed, fingers deep inside herself. She wanted her lips and hands all over Ben’s body, but for now this would have to do.

A few miles away in Brooklyn, Ben lay in his own bed, hand moving up and down himself, fast and then slow, reading Rey’s words, her requests, her asks over and over again under his breath. He wanted her to use him up, taking anything and everything she wanted, knowing there would always be more to give. He would take all that she offered, happy to replenish her coffers. Ben wanted them to push themselves into a space they could not return from.

Ben sat up straighter on the bed now, watching his own hand, holding his phone with the other. He didn’t need a photo of Rey to picture her, to imagine her on her bed, doing the same. He choked out some version of her name as he came, falling back down onto the pillows behind him, hair sticking to his forehead and neck, boxers shoved down around his thighs.

Rey lay panting on her own pillows, waiting for the lightheaded feeling to pass, her hand resting on her stomach, her phone beside her. A message came through with a photo. It was Ben lying back on his pillows, face flushed, tips of his ears bright red. She read the words below it with a slow, sated smile.

_You’ve ruined me._

~ ~ ~

“Wait, you’re meeting each other’s _kids_?” Poe was sitting across from Ben during lunch at a deli in midtown they went to at least every couple of weeks.

Ben had his tie thrown over his shoulder, a napkin tucked into the collar of his starch white dress shirt. His sleeves were rolled up and he sat with his knees touching the underside of the table, dress shoes hooked on a bar at the bottom of a high-backed bar chair.

He nodded, still chewing his sandwich.

“Yeah, it was my idea.”

“It was _your_ idea? But it hasn’t even been three months. I mean, I don’t know, aren’t there rules about these sorts of things, like a certain time line you’re supposed to follow?”

Ben smirked, removing the napkin from his shirt and tossing it on the table. He pulled his tie back to the front of his body and began to roll his sleeves back down to his wrists.

“No, there isn’t a specific timeline. There’s no set of rules or a book about this stuff you have to read and follow.”

“I’m 100% sure there is a book about introducing your kids to your girlfriend. Probably more than one.”

“Well, you won’t catch me reading it,” Ben remarked, draining the last of his water from its glass.

“Maybe you should. Look, Benjamin,” Poe was in serious friend giving advice mode now; one hand on Ben’s shoulder, leaning as far as he could across the table.

Ben eyed Poe’s hand, looking back at his face, waiting for a quote from whatever book Poe was reading this week about relationships even though he was far from being in one himself.

“You don’t wanna screw things up with Rey. You clearly like her a lot.”

“How is having her meet my son screwing things up?”

“What if she doesn’t like him? What if you can’t stand her kid? What if the kids don’t like one another, what will you do then?” Poe’s tone was urgent, as if he didn’t stop this train it would derail right in front of him.

“You worry too much,” Ben pulled out his wallet from his back pocket to pay his share of the bill.

“I never worry about anything! But someone has to at least put that out there for you to think about.”

Ben was counting through the cash in his wallet when he stopped to look at Poe.

“You think I haven’t thought about everything you’re saying?”

Poe sighed, trying a different angle.

“Look, all I’m saying is, I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time and I know that kids complicate things. I just want to make sure you’re taking time to do the right thing and not in a rush to-“

Ben was still staring at his friend. “In a rush to what? Marry her without thinking like I did with Rebecca?”

Poe looked at the ceiling, hands between his knees under the table. “You said it, not me.” 

Ben got up from his seat, more than ready to be done with this conversation. He lay down a twenty on top of the bill. He watched as Poe put down his half, both men shrugging back into their coats.

“Look, I know what I’m doing. Kids are a part of this, there’s no getting around that. We can’t just pretend they don’t exist. I- _we_ don’t want to do that. So, we’re figuring it out as we go along. That’s what people do.”

The two men walked out the door, waving, calling out their thanks to the owner who had to be at least 100 years old.

“So how and when is this happening, the great meeting of the minds and the children?” They were walking down the sidewalk now, a fall wind pulling at the bottom of their coats.

Ben shrugged, trying to keep his tone casual.

“We were talking about maybe trying to have a joint Halloween.” 

Poe laughed, his head thrown back.

“That’s just perfect, Solo. Leave it to you to actually make this work somehow, just add candy and costumes. Nothing can go wrong.” He hit Ben on the shoulder, not a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

“You’re a goddamn genius do you know that?”

Ben laughed behind his black scarf.

“A few minutes ago, I was a phone call away from being carted off to my therapist and now I’m a goddamn genius?”

Poe shrugged. “Life changes in an instant.”

“Yes, it really does,” Ben agreed.

“So when do I get to meet the elusive Miss Rey? Don’t tell me Trin gets to meet her first.”

They were almost at the office. Ben thought about Poe’s question for a beat before turning his head to look at him as they walked.

“What about Halloween? Would it be too much to have everyone meet all on the same night? Or would that make it easier, take the pressure off everyone a bit?”

Poe bit his lip, running various scenarios over in his all too active imagination.

“That could work. Or we could do dinner, just the three of us, but then I would feel bad because Rey would be the third wheel- “

“Okay, Poe, trust me, she wouldn’t-“

“ _Or_ she could randomly show up at the office one day to bring you lunch and Hux would pass out from the shock of being left out yet again.”

“But I thought he knew about Rey.” Poe had given in and confessed to Ben about his little tussle with Hux in the office hallway over keeping Ben’s relationship with Rey a secret. Ben had simply laughed and shook his head, leaving Poe in his office to react in the empty space around him while Ben went to his next meeting.

This was indeed a new Ben Solo.

Poe nodded. “Yes, but you know that I mean. Shocked that she’s an actual, real, living, breathing person.”

“Thanks for that.”

“And Zorrii would be pissed that I met her before she did. So that situation would not end well at all for you.”

“Yeah, Zorrii basically controls my life.”

“And yet you haven’t told her about Rey.”

Ben fell silent, unsure of how to respond. It was true he had only actually told Poe about Rey and now that Hux knew it was only a matter of time before the entire office did too. Ben wasn’t sure why he hadn’t told anyone other than the fact he had always been a private person. He wasn’t like his Father, boasting about every little thing that happened to him, making sure the whole room or whoever was nearby knew when good or bad news had arrived on his door step.

Maybe it was that he still sensed some small hesitation in Rey and he didn’t want to spring an entire life on her until she was ready. Having the kids meet was the first step. He had to be practical about this no matter how much he wanted to hang memos around the office that said _Rey is amazing and you all have to meet her right now, it’s mandatory._ _Thanks, Management._

“I can’t invite the entire firm over for Halloween.”

“Well, Zorrii is pretty soon going to ask why you’re actually leaving work on time twice a week.” 

Ben knew Poe was right.

“Okay, how about this.” The two men had stopped on the steps of the building to finish talking about this before going up to the office.

“Halloween it’s you, me, Rey, the kids, maybe her friend Finn. I’ll see if she wants to invite him so there’s someone else there she knows. But none of this happens unless Rey is 100% on board with all of it.”

Poe nodded. “Sounds good. I’m in. Should I make my famous Halloween hunch punch I used to make in college?”

Ben snorted. “God no. My liver isn’t twenty anymore.”

They were walking up the steps and into the lobby now.

Ben pressed the button for the 22nd floor, something he had done a thousand times before. Since the discovery on his Father’s old laptop it was a ritual he had come to notice, to pay attention to, not just another mindless part of his day. He had been coming to this building, to the 22nd floor his entire life. He remembered the tall, looming shadow of his Grandfather walking onto the elevator before him, the image of the long black trench coat he seemed to wear year-round floating behind him.

Ben got on the elevator with Poe now who was humming beside him at their plans, at the thought of meeting this mysterious Rey. Ben rolled his eyes and smiled, checking the calendar on his phone for his next meeting. It was in half an hour.

He caught a glimpse of himself in the elevator bank wall just before the doors opened to their floor, wearing a long back coat, tall and looming in the space surrounding him. He felt something inside his chest rattle and move back into the dark before stepping off the elevator and into the lobby of what was now his office.

~ ~ ~

“And back down to your mats…”

Ben was watching Rey carefully in front of him, stretching up on her yellow mat into downward facing dog. She was wearing her favorite pair of black and blue skin-tight yoga pants and a white razor back tank top. Ben looked at her legs, her bare feet, her back and neck, the backs of her toned arms covered in sweat and tried to focus on his stretches and poses instead of the million, heated thoughts in his head.

He had recently changed his yoga schedule and studio to the same one Rey went to, near her apartment. Now they took classes together weekly. Their shared yoga class had evolved into some sort of foreplay usually and Rey had joked that they had to start taking classes separately.

Today was no exception as the class ended in child’s pose and then corpse’s pose. Ben and Rey took the time to lay on their backs on their respective mats, cooling off their bodies only to stand up, sizing up the other in one long glance and knowing what would happen next. They toweled off, pulling on their coats, grabbing their bags by the door. Rey turned on the sidewalk, headed for the subway but Ben grabbed her around the waist, her feet off the ground, pulling her in alignment with his body.

“Where do you think you’re going, huh?” He was smiling, his face not symmetrical, but somehow perfectly balanced in its own way, his joy apparent. Rey touched each cheek with her fingers. She studied his eyebrows, the moles on his face, the way his ears stuck out when his hair was pushed aside or pulled back, she looked at his uneven teeth and kissed him full on.

“Well, I _was_ going home. Where do you think _you’re_ going?”

 _“_ With you. I’m going wherever you go.”

Rey laughed, giddy right out in the open, still being held by Ben, loving the feeling of no ground beneath her feet. Ben raised his free arm to hail a taxi, setting Rey gently back down onto the sidewalk as a cab pulled up, giving the driver the address to her apartment from the backseat.

Ben pulled Rey into his lap in the back of the cab, Rey laughing.

“I’m not sure this is legal.”

Ben made a noise against her neck, smiling into her skin. He didn’t care. He held her there, arms around her waist, planting kisses along her neck and shoulders until the taxi pulled up in front of her building.

Ben paid the fare with his credit card, generously tipping the driver for not saying anything about their back-seat seating arrangements. Rey waited for him on the steps, flipping through her personal email on her phone.

Ben ran up the stairs to where she was waiting, picking her up again, while Rey fumbled for the key to unlock the glass set of doors. He didn’t put her down as he carried her inside and up the three flights of stairs to her apartment.

“You’re insane,” Rey commented as they walked through the front door, Ben carrying her all the way into the bedroom, bypassing the shower completely. He was slowly learning his way around her place. Rey took a certain delight in watching him move around her kitchen, knowing where her forks and glasses were kept. She smiled to herself when she saw his deodorant in the mirrored medicine cabinet in her bathroom, his grey razor and black hair ties littering the bathroom counter after an overnight stay.

“I am, thanks to you.” Ben’s voice was light, depositing Rey on her still unmade bed in her yoga clothes. 

He began to tug at her yoga pants, muttering, _off, off,_ under his breath.

The two had decided to skip work for the day, starting off with yoga and now a second work out session. Rey giggled behind her hands at Ben’s enthusiasm. She felt like a naughty school girl, skipping classes for the day to play with her friends. Later maybe they would go to the movies and have a late lunch at a place they had both wanted to try.

Or maybe they would stay in Rey’s bed until it was time for her to pick up Ollie from school. Ben was a big fan of ordering take out and not leaving the bedroom unless they had to. Rey was adapting to his way of thinking more and more as evidenced by the stack of takeout boxes in her recycling and her unmade, unwashed sheets.

“I’m going to be homeless because of you,” Rey lamented one evening, having left work early to meet Ben at her apartment while Ollie was at a play date with a friend.

“Don’t worry, I’ll share my piece of cardboard with you,” he had comforted her, taking off her shirt before she had put her keys down on the table in the foyer.

Now his focus was only on Rey. He loved the sight and taste of her when she was like this, straight after a workout, not giving her a chance to shower or freshen up. He was the same way when he saw her after work.

The first time Ben had seen Rey in her lab coat in person he’d nearly had a heart attack.

“You have to play a doctor for me one day,” he had practically begged over a bowl of cereal the next morning. He had looked like a little kid, his face and eyes heavy with sleep, or lack of it, his t-shirt stretched out over his collarbone, bare foot at the kitchen table.

Rey laughed. “Well, that works since I _am_ a Doctor. I’m guessing you’ll be…the patient?”

Ben nodded, pouring more Lucky Charms into his oversized bowl. “Yes with an urgent, chronic case.”

Rey poured more oat milk over her cereal, playing along. “And what’s that?”

“I have this constant need to make love to my girlfriend every moment of the day.”

Rey laughed so hard she snorted, milk nearly coming out of her nostrils.

“You do? That sounds terrible. How long has it been going on?”

Ben nodded, serious. He was all in. “It’s been going on for a couple of months now. And well, not just make love to her, but fuck her through the bed. Sometimes the wall or the floor if we don’t make it to the bed. Do you think you can help me or am I a lost cause?”

Rey’s face had flushed at his words, breakfast suddenly forgotten, and the bed too far to be considered so the kitchen table had to do.

Now both Rey and Ben were stripping the other of their clothing, their bodies sore but relaxed from yoga, Ben pulling Rey into his lap, both sticky with sweat.

“I haven’t been this bad since University when I would skip my 9:00 a.m. physics class to be with my girlfriend.”

Ben stopped; his mouth at the dip in Rey’s neck, hands on her naked back.

“Your girlfriend? As in…”

Rey was nodding. “Yes, my real, actual girlfriend. We dated for a year.”

“Wait a minute.”

Rey was laughing now.

“I need time to fully process this.”

Ben was looking at Rey, eyes full of questions.

“But your profile didn’t say you were…that you liked…”

“It was something I was trying out. Usually if you’re a woman and you say you’re bisexual on dating profiles it tends to invite the wrong kind of response.”

Ben was still rubbing her back.

“I wish you had told me. I promise I would have had a normal, well thought out reaction.”

Rey wrapped her arms around his neck, getting comfortable in his lap. His erection was pressed up against her inner thigh and she let herself rock against it.

“Well, now you know.”

He leaned in to kiss her again, their chests pressed tight against one another. Ben broke contact first.

“Do you miss…?”

Rey shook her head, tucking a rebellious piece of black hair behind his ear.

“I don’t miss anything or anyone.”

That was good enough for Ben. He rolled over on top of her; both laughing, arms and legs splayed everywhere, pulling the fitted sheet from its place on the mattress.

Ben removed his cell from the pocket of his yoga pants, setting it face down on the nightstand, not bothering to look at the series of texts from Luke that were waiting for him.

~ ~ ~

Ben had been growing out a goatee for weeks now, in preparation for his Halloween costume and the evening had finally arrived.

He was going to be Captain Hook since Trin had decided to be Hook’s first mate, Smee. Ben had been putting their costumes together for weeks, excited by the prospect of playing one of his favorite characters from childhood. He’d even found the perfect red hat, complete with purple and blue feathers placed strategically inside a gold ribbon lining the inner brim of the hat. He was extra proud of the metal hook that he had found in a costume store in the Village.

Trin was running around the apartment in his blue and white t-shirt and cut-off khaki shorts complete with little round glasses that sat perfectly on his nose. He wore brown sandals and a red cap with a yarn ball on top that Ben had found at a nearby Goodwill.

Ben wasn’t ashamed of the effort he had put into both of their costumes, proudly sending Rey photos and updates, when he found the pilgrim shoes and white tights he had been searching for, for weeks, the sword and peasant shirt and of course the long red coat lined in gold that he had pieced together himself using a hot glue gun and gold thread on the lining.

Rey had thoroughly enjoyed watching and commenting on the growth of his goatee.

“You look like some sort of evil emperor,” she would tease.

Ben would stroke his facial hair and study himself in the mirror while she brushed her teeth.

“Like you should be stroking a white cat,” she mused, toothbrush tucked inside her jaw.

Ben had given an evil cackle, tossing his head back, causing Rey to laugh; toothpaste coming out of the corners of her mouth.

Everything was done in earnest and at high volume because Ben loved Halloween. So did Rey. But they also knew that things like costumes and candy, trick or treating plots and plans disguised the fact that their kids would be meeting as well as their friends and what that meant. It was one thing for evening and weekend meet ups and dates, for love making and endless great sex, stolen moments for Chinese and Indian food and early morning movies, making out in the back of cabs.

This was different and they both knew it. This was a major step forward, hopefully not off a cliff in their relationship. Ben knew Rey was more anxious than he was. But he trusted in Trin’s instinct to read Rey and how much Ben clearly cared for her, how happy she made him. Kids just knew. Kids were honest.

Still, Ben was nervous as he finished decorating his apartment. There were strings of orange lights everywhere, and not one, not two, but three pumpkins he and Trin had carved in the foyer, the kitchen and the living room. Halloween music played on the Bluetooth speakers throughout, smoke machines and dry ice stood at the ready.

Ben was hanging a spider and bat shaped decoration made from purple lights between the walls in the foyer when his phone buzzed on the kitchen island counter. 

“Dad! Phone!” Trin was arm deep in one of the dozens of candy bowls sprinkled around the apartment.

“Can you bring it to me please? And no more Starburst or Kit Kat’s until the party!”

Trin rolled his eyes, bringing Ben’s cell phone to him, and then running off again. It was a text from Poe saying he was on his way. That probably meant he was just getting out of the shower.

Ben texted a quick okay; before closing his phone, putting it in the pocket of his impressive red coat.

There were texts from Luke from a few days ago still waiting to be read that Ben had ignored without effort. If his parents or Luke wanted to see Tristian for Halloween or ask how their grandson or nephew was doing they were more than welcome to check in with Rebecca. They all had her contact information.

Ben’s lines to his family were cut, the connection severed. Eventually they would catch onto the fact that he had written them out of his life as if they had never existed in the first place and maybe they would realize it was of their own doing. He was sure by now Luke had told his parents what Ben had discovered on his Father’s work computer. He was sure they were eager to explain away their fault in the whole situation. They were probably having weekly meetings on how best to address the fucked up mess they had made of Ben’s life by taking away any choice he had to do as he wished after high school. His lot in life, his fate had been sealed from the get go.

Either way, it wasn’t his problem.

He had a party to throw.

The buzzer rang, bypassing Freddie the doorman downstairs. Poe was actually on time for once. Ben couldn’t believe it.

He let Tristian open the door as long as he promised to say “ _Happy Halloween!”_ which he had no problem screeching at the top of his lungs, his tiny fists clenched in joy and excitement at his sides.

Poe walked in, in all his 1980’s rock star glory in tight white leather pants and matching white leather cowboy boots. He wore a purple fishnet top with a white denim vest and an outrageous, poorly fitting blonde wig that stuck up in all sides as if he had used an entire can of cheap hairspray to style it and he probably had.

“Rin Trin Trin!” Poe had picked up Tristian, lifting him above his head in the foyer in a Superman pose.

Ben stopped, brows furrowed until he remembered that was one of the thousand nicknames Poe had for his son based on that ridiculous TV show about a dog who solved crimes or some such nonsense.

“Uncle Poe!” Trin cheered.

“Yeahhhhhh, boy! Are you ready to rock?” Poe was spinning Trin in the air now.

Ben laughed, putting the finishing touches on the wall decorations in the foyer.

“Please don’t make him throw up. He’s had about two pounds of candy since noon.”

Poe let out a low whistle as he set Trin back down on the ground. He looked around, hands on hips, clearly approving of what he saw.

“Shit, you’ve really outdone yourself this year, Solo. This is quite the spread you’ve put on.”

“Thanks, Dameron. Hey, could you go turn the TV on? I downloaded some Halloween screen savers earlier that I want to have playing.”

Poe slapped a hand to his forehead, staring at Ben.

“Oh. My. _God_. Are you sure you’re straight? Because the effort you’ve put into all of this…”

“Not everyone is as bad at Halloween as you are,” Ben cut him off.

Poe headed off, followed by Tristian to do as Ben asked. Ben took his phone out again to check the time. Rey, Ollie and Finn would be here soon.

Ben moved to the kitchen to begin setting out everything he would need to make cocktails for the grownups and mock tails for Trin and Ollie, complete with spooky floating toys and dry ice. He poured a small glass of whiskey for himself, feeling it go down smoothly, appreciating the burn of well-aged liquor.

This truly was his favorite holiday. It always had been, ever since he was a child. Who needed menorahs or Christmas trees when there were ghouls and goblins, candy corn and pumpkins to have around? He and Trin left their Halloween decorations up until Thanksgiving every year when hand traced turkeys would replace fake spider webs on the fridge.

The sounds of Trin and Poe talking in the living room comforted Ben, the familiar language they had with one another. This was his new, pieced together family. This was only the beginning. Everything was uphill from here.

Freddie called from the lobby, announcing three guests, causing Ben to nearly drop the empty glass he was holding as Poe ran the answer the foyer phone, motioning to Ben to wrap it up.

“He called her Miss Rey, that’s _adorable_.” Poe commented hanging up. He actually made a puppy face.

Ben grabbed Trin, hoisting him up and onto his hip, both in full costume, headed for the door.

“Are you ready to meet Rey and Ollie?” Ben’s voice was quiet, his face pressed against Trin’s much smaller face, forehead to forehead.

Trin nodded, grabbing the sides of Ben’s oversized hat, pulling it down until it nearly covered his eyes.

“We can share all of our candy with them,” he said simply.

Ben nodded. He held up his pinky, extended it out to his son. Trin did the same, locking fingers.

“Deal.” They both said as the doorbell rang.

Poe was there to open it, three on one side of the doorframe Poe, Ben and Tristian, three on the other, Rey, Finn and Ollie.

Ben took in Rey first, dressed as Black Widow as promised but all he saw was skintight black leather, a belt full of toy guns and her hair, loose and down around her shoulders, extra make up coating her face. She was smiling, holding Ollie, who was dressed as Wonder Woman on her hip.

“ _Jesus_ ,” was all he could manage, looking nowhere but at her.

Trin leaned forward from Ben’s shoulder, holding out a cherry flavored Tootsie Roll to Ollie.

“Happy Halloween!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so, so, so much for being such a welcoming, kind fandom. All of the comments, kudos, hits, subscriptions, messages, it all adds up and matters a great deal to me. It helps push the little muse along in ways I can't express. I'm iknowthebattle on Tumblr if you want to come say hi. :)


	10. Just Because We're Growing Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halloween yesterday and today. Finn and Poe meet. Ben and Rey go rock climbing and drink smoothies! Ben has a plan.

_Ben and Han’s hands were clasped together, swinging back and forth as they walked down the block of brownstones, the light fading behind them. They weren’t trick or treating in their neighborhood on the Upper East Side. This time, they had traveled to Brooklyn where his Father had a meeting with a client near the end of the day. Ben had been brought over by the family driver, who Ben lovingly referred to as Babu since he couldn’t say his actual name, Bobby, yet. Those Y and E sounds, they always got him._

_Babu had waited with Ben, keeping the car running and warm, until Han emerged from the building, briefcase under his arm. He tossed it in the backseat, grabbing Ben with both hands and hoisting him up onto his shoulders._

_“What do you say, Cowboy? Should we head out for the great wild west?”_

_“Yeah!” Ben cheered, tiny fists rose in the air above his head._

_Now the two of them walked hand in hand, Ben’s toy guns gently hitting the sides of his legs inside their leather holsters. His cowboy hat was black with a white string under his neck to hold it in place. His shirt was black with white fringe hanging off the sleeves. Luke had gone with him to pick it up from the store after school the week before._

_Leia was traveling for work, an engagement she couldn’t get out of. Ben nodded when she’d told him, saying it’s okay, as he finished his bowl of Fruity Pebbles, swinging his bare feet beneath the kitchen table. She had kissed him on the cheek._

_Ben was used to such things. Most holidays were spent with one parent, or Luke. One year both Han and Leia had been away for Hanukah so Luke had taken him to Disney World for a whole week, letting him order room service every day and ride every single ride as many times as he wanted._

_But tonight, it was just Han and Ben. Ben couldn’t be happier._

_He felt on top of the world, looking down from his Father’s shoulders or clutching his hand. He was shy at first, hesitant to walk up the steps and ring the buzzers saying Trick or Treat, but in time and with practice he grew more comfortable. He no longer needed Han to carry him on his hip while he held out his plastic pumpkin, holding it by the handle as sweets were generously doled out. Now he could walk up all by himself, standing on tip toe, to buzz the apartments inside._

_On the ride back to the City, in the backseat, Han chatted with Babu who spoke to his boss, looking in the rearview mirror while Ben counted and organized his treasure across the leather seats._

_Han had forgotten to buy groceries for the week, something Leia usually did on Sunday. He made a quick pot of mac and cheese and let Ben eat while wearing his costume. They sat on the couch, eating side by side, something Leia would have never allowed with the TV on. Ben watched cartoons, and Han laughed along with him._

_Ben fell asleep in his costume, still a cowboy, head in his Father’s lap, two empty bowls on the low, wooden coffee table in front of them. Han reached over to flip off the TV, careful not to disturb his son. He sat back on the couch, easing the string from around Ben’s head and gently taking off the cowboy hat, placing it on the couch beside him._

_Han ran his rough, big hand through Ben’s thick, black waves, smoothing them down from the static electricity of the hat. He listened to Ben’s breathing, soft and deep as he slept, his lips pushed out, pouty._

_Han fell asleep on the couch as well, his head falling back, mouth open, his gentle snores echoing throughout the living room. He dreamt of Ben on an all-white pony, riding across an open field full of jasmine, lavender and lilies, hair pulled back in a ribbon, barefoot, no saddle. The horse ran as if it were escaping a wildfire, running to spring from winter, carrying Ben to lands unknown, to a place where he never had to grow up._

~ ~ ~

Ben stepped back, still holding Trin on his hip, to let Rey, Ollie and Finn all the way inside the apartment. Ollie was holding the candy Trin had given her in her fist, eyeing the strange, new trio in front of her.

“Welcome, welcome!” Poe cheered behind Ben, turning the sound up on the music, playing the _Monster Mash_ as a greeting.

Finn pointed and laughed at Poe’s costume, but had a look of admiration on his face as he took in the entire look.

“Are you supposed to be a member of Motley Crue?”

Poe laughed, playing air guitar.

“No baby! I’m Twisted Sister all the way!”

Ben rolled his eyes, sharing a look with Rey, who was smiling, greatly amused at the whole thing.

“Please meet and excuse my good friend, this is Poe Dameron.” Ben gestured with his free hand at the chaos that Poe was currently causing, jumping around the living room, dancing to _Thriller._ He had known the entire dance since High School and even got Ben to learn it one year for Halloween in college. They had performed it after a few rounds of shots on the table top in the common area. The table had collapsed midway through the song bringing their dance to an abrupt end.

Trin wiggled in Ben’s arm, being held by the hand with the hook, wanting to break free and join his Uncle Poe. Ben obliged by setting him down gently on the floor.

Trin paused before running over, considering Ollie who was still in her Mother’s arms.

“Do you wanna come too?”

Ollie looked at Trin, then at Rey and nodded.

“Don’t eat too much candy before we go trick or treating love,” Rey warned, placing a kiss on top of Ollie’s head.

“Okay, Mummy.”

Rey set Ollie down on the floor beside Trin and the two ran off towards more candy and music. Ben and Rey watched them, turning back to one another, their bodies starting to relax and unfold. This was really happening and it even seemed to be going okay. Poe had already picked up Ollie under one arm and Trin under the other, swinging them around as they giggled and shrieked.

“They’re going to puke all over your lovely hardwood floors,” Rey said, frowning at Ben but she was stifling a laugh.

“These floors have seen worse trust me,” Ben muttered, taking two steps closer to where Rey stood. He reached out to wrap one arm around her, the hand without the hook thankfully, pulling her up against him.

“This costume is...perfect,” He whispered, his lips touching her forehead, hand on the small of her back, fingers pressed against the tight, black leather.

Finn cleared his throat, hands behind his back. They had forgotten he was standing there, waiting to be introduced.

“Oh!” Rey took a step back, hand smacking her forehead where Ben’s lips had just been. “Of course, right.”

“Ben, this is my colleague and friend, Finn. Finn, this is- “

“Ben.” Finn stepped forward, extending his hand, taking in the lanky figure before him. He had to admit he made a perfect Captain Hook.

“I’ve heard _all_ about you. Trust me.”

Ben looked at Rey who appeared to be blushing beneath her brown curls, looking everywhere but at him.

Ben extended his right hand, realizing Finn was shaking the hook. They all burst out laughing. He removed it, placing it on the kitchen island. They had migrated to the kitchen for drinks.

Ben pointed at Finn, a smirk on his face.

“So, what is your costume exactly?”

Finn looked down at the sign he had drawn, hanging it with string around his neck.

“I’m a one-night stand,” he said as if it should be obvious. He had drawn a basic, singular night stand on white poster board. He was pointing at it, waiting for Ben to get the joke.

Rey was groaning, one hip against the island.

“Can we drink now please?”

Ben laughed.

“Of course.” He began making his special fall cocktails (whiskey, lemon, maple syrup), topping them off with plastic bats and spiders and a stick of cinnamon.

“So festive!” Rey commented, pushing a purple bat down against her ice cube.

“Did someone say drink?” Poe called from the living room, over the sound of the music. He ran over, Ollie and Trin right behind him, a Halloween pied piper.

“Do I hear the distinct jingle jangle of ice cubes being placed in a cocktail shaker, Benjamin?”

Poe stopped in front of Finn, looking him up and down, his eyes landing on the drawing hanging round his neck.

“Hey, I get it. One-night stand, right?”

Finn’s face broke out into a smile, delighted someone picked up on what his costume was right away.

“Oh god, now he’s going to be _so_ pleased with himself, he’ll be completely insufferable,” Rey teased, slapping Finn on the shoulder, a drink in her other hand.

“You must be Finn,” Poe was taking a drink from Ben, while shaking Finn’s hand, still admiring his drawing.

“Indeed I am. Nice to meet you, Poe.” Finn nodded toward the living room where Ollie and Trin had now resumed playing. They were jumping from the couch to the floor over and over again.

“You’re quite good with Ollie,” Finn said, his tone casual, sipping his drink.

“That’s because I helped raised Tristian. Yep, just me and this guy right here.” Poe slapped Ben on the back, taking a long swig of the cocktail, finishing it off with a satisfied _ahh_ sound.

“Is that so?” Ben was looking at Rey across the kitchen island. He had barely taken his eyes off her since she arrived.

“Yeah, you know, it was rough going there for a few years but we made it work. You know how it is, two working Dads just doing the best that we can.”

Finn was laughing, hard, too hard for such a terrible joke. Ben and Rey exchanged looks.

“Rey, you are one lucky lady,” Poe said, whistling low.

Rey raised her glass to her lips, looking at Poe over the rim.

“Is that so?” She glanced at Ben who was making another round of drinks. He cleared his throat.

“Go on.”

“Well, our Benny boy here is one of a kind. I’m sure you understand,” Poe gestured to Rey who nodded eagerly, playing along, slightly enjoying Ben’s misery.

“But I know when it’s time to let a good one go. I know when to hold ‘em…when to fold ‘em…”

“Can this bit end soon, please?” Ben begged, refilling everyone’s glasses.

“…and when to let ‘em go.” Poe walked over, shaking Rey’s hand and then embracing her, his head on his shoulder.

“I hope he makes you as happy as he made me.”

Rey was laughing, and Poe was now dancing around the kitchen with her, her hand on his shoulder, their hands clasped while Finn and Ben watched, holding their full glasses.

“How have you tolerated him for so long?” Finn asked, breaking the awkward silence between them.

Ben gave a short laugh. “He’s good for me. Otherwise I would be….” He let the sentence go and Finn didn’t ask any follow up questions. Both men resumed drinking.

Poe and Rey waltzed back over their way, picking up their drinks. Rey grabbed a baby Snickers from one of the billion candy bowls surrounding the apartment; unwrapping it and shoving the whole thing in her mouth in one go. She was admiring one of the lit pumpkins on the counter. It was an intricate carving of a cat in a witch hat. She pointed to it.

“Ben, did you do this?”

He turned, glancing at the pumpkin and started to smile, one side of his mouth rising higher than the other.

“Yeah, that’s mine. Trin helped. He was in charge. We used a pattern and traced it. It’s our favorite design, we do it every Halloween.”

“It’s quite impressive,” Rey commented, sauntering over to where Ben stood.

“I should do the same with Ollie next year,” she mused, wrapping one arm around his neck.

Trin and Ollie were still playing in the other room, lost in a world of their own, their parents starting to do the same in the kitchen.

They heard snippets of Finn and Poe’s conversation nearby, _so where are you from? You’ve known Ben since college? When did you know you wanted to be a Doctor?_ But they were barely hanging onto the voices and things around them, Ben now holding Rey close, looking at one another, two characters in their own skin at last.

They heard the distant sounds of the refrigerator opening and glass clanking, Poe grabbing two beers for himself and Finn, popping the tops off with the built in bottle opener on the side of Ben’s kitchen counter.

“You keep his favorite beer here?” Rey asked, fingers darting across the frilly front of Ben’s shirt.

Ben shrugged. “It’s been the same since he was 19.”

Rey was grinning, teasing. “Maybe you two really are in love.”

Ben opened his mouth to respond, but the sound of Poe’s voice stopped him.

“Who’s ready to go trick or treating?”

“Me! Me! We are!” Trin and Ollie were rushing over, hands in the air, still riding their sugar rush high. Dusk was coming and it was time to venture out into the streets, up into apartments, and beyond. 

Rey and Ben broke away from one another, joining in the chaos surrounding them, grabbing plastic pumpkins, fixing and finding missing parts of costumes along with Finn and Poe. There was talking and laughter, music and movement all around as they prepared to leave.

There was excitement in the air, and it wasn’t just the kids. There was the smell of candy wrappers, of plastic Halloween costumes, a familiar scent that had not changed over the years that made each adult breathe in a little deeper, remembering their own evenings collecting sweet riches in far flung corners of the world, apart from one another but no longer, some memories more bitter than sweet, but they were all in the past now, for better or worse or in-between.

The six of them headed for the door, all candles expired, music turned off, lights off except for the orange and purple decoration lights covering the apartment doorways, windows and walls, letting all who dare enter know that phantoms resided here.

Trin tugged on the edge of Ben’s elegant coat, looking at up his Father with a serious expression that made Ben stop and lean down, getting on his son’s level. Everyone was headed for the elevator but the two of them remained back, Ben kneeling in the doorway to Trin’s height, propping the door open with his foot.

“You okay buddy?” 

Trin nodded.

“Dad…what’s a one night stand?”

Somewhere down the hall Finn and Poe’s howls of laughter could be heard, and eventually Ben joined in, scooping up his son, locking the door behind him.

“I’ll tell you when you’re older, cowboy.”

~ ~ ~

The sun stayed in the sky as long as possible, refusing to give up its embrace, leaving the battlefield with shades of purple and pink, a perfect autumn sky disguised as a summer sunset.

The streets were crowded, but no cars came for a long time, allowing adults and children alike to veer off the sidewalks and stoops, out onto the pavement where they could pretend the world was much larger than city lanes and stop lights.

Ben chased Trin, weaving between street lights; Rey rode on Finn’s back when her feet started to hurt. Neighbors and strangers said hello and chatted from lower floor windows and sidewalk steps. Poe’s pockets were full of Blow-Pops.

They eventually walked five and then six across the empty street, a luxury, a rarity where they lived. Poe was holding Trin’s hand, Finn holding Ollie in his arms, Ben and Rey walking hand in hand. Their laughter, their voices caught in the echo of alleyways and disappeared just as quickly, arms swinging heavy pumpkins, shoes eventually removed.

Ben and Rey were quiet as they walked behind their friends and their children, tired and happy, Rey wearing Ben’s feathered hat, Ben’s shirt unbuttoned at the top. They didn’t need to speak, no words were needed.

As they turned the corner for home with their bounty, stopping at a crosswalk as traffic returned with full night, they stopped, Finn turning around and gently placing a now sleeping Ollie in Ben’s arms, her Wonder Woman crown still intact on her head.

He held her there, waiting for the light to change, studying her face, wondering if she knew who held her now. He saw Rey out of the corner of his eye, take Trin’s other hand, crossing the street between she and Poe.

Ben saw his son look up at Rey. He held his breath, able to read, to sense every expression, every moment and movement before it happened with his son, his lifeline, an extension of himself in every single way.

Trin’s face was sleepy, but he was looking at Rey, curious, holding her hand without hesitation. She looked down at Tristian, bending down to whisper something just for the two of them to know, her hand cupped up against his ear.

Trin’s face was bright now, his grip on Rey’s hand tighter. As they walked the last block home, his small steps were now closer to Rey’s longer stride, slowed down for him, his head against her arm for a moment, a walking slumber.

~ ~ ~

Ben was looking in the bathroom mirror, shaving off the last remains of his goatee with his electric razor. It had been a fun experiment for a few weeks but he ready to come clean, as it were.

Black hair littered the lining and bottom of his sink. He had changed into pajama bottoms and a cotton grey V-neck. Tristian was asleep in his bed, Ollie on the couch with one of the pillows from Tristian’s bed, and two of Ben’s softest blankets. They didn’t budge when they were placed in bed and on the couch, still in their costumes. Ben wished he knew what they were dreaming about.

Finn and Poe had said goodbye not long after, leaving together and headed for a bar in Chelsea and a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Poe had texted Ben no sooner than a minute after they left. They probably hadn’t even gotten off the elevator yet.

 _Ben-Jammin. What a night._ And a pumpkin and a ghost emoji.

Ben knew what that meant. He was fluent in Poe. He smirked at his screen, standing in Tristian’s doorway having just laid him down, one bare foot crossed over the other.

_Please don’t fuck over my girlfriend’s best friend. Otherwise we’ll both have to suffer the consequences._

He had sent a laughing emoji in response and a quick question, _Have I ever let you down?_

Ben had to admit he never had. It was one of the many reasons they were still friends after all this time. He told Poe to have a good time and headed for the shower after pulling out blankets for Ollie, and plugging in an extra nightlight in the living room beside the couch.

“Me and Ollie will head out after you shower,” Rey whispered in the dark surrounding them in the hallway, his arms circling around Ben’s waist. They could barely see one another, so they relied on touch instead.

Ben had showered and was now finished shaving, the quiet replacing the steady hum of his razor. He ran the water in the sink to wash down the remaining hair, brushing his teeth quickly and flipping off the bathroom light.

His bedroom was dark, except for the quiet floor fan at the foot of the bed that he left on at all times. Ben could make out the shape of Rey sitting on the edge of his bed, facing him, the outline of her hair, still down, the slim peaks of her shoulders. She was a marble figure in the shadows.

Ben reached over, clicking on his bedside lamp to see Rey sitting there, still in her Black Widow costume. She had the front unzipped close to her navel, no bra beneath the skintight leather. She was even still wearing the utility belt with weapons at her hips.

The sound Ben made was something between a whine, a gasp and the word _fuck_.

“Trick or treat?” Rey extended her arms out in front of her, trying on a corny pun but Ben didn’t care. She could have recited the phone book or sang the alphabet song and he would still be doing what he was doing now, which was grabbing her around the waist, wrapping her legs around his body as he held her.

Rey touched his chin and the space below his nose, smooth now, her thumbs running over his lips as she cupped his face with her hands.

“No more evil emperor,” she commented.

Ben smiled. “It’s just me now. Sorry to disappoint.”

Rey shook her head, her hair falling over her shoulders and collarbone. She crossed her fingers on the back of Ben’s neck.

“Nonsense. You could never.”

There was quiet, stillness between them and in the room now. Ben held her, his muscles never seemed to tire or shake when he did. She felt weightless, not in a physical sense but that there was no strain to any part of being together, to spending time or energy on one another. Hours became minutes, days became hours and it all felt effortless, seamless.

“Do you have any idea what this costume has been doing to me all night?” Ben’s low voice broke the silence in the room, the silence that had been resting comfortably between them.

Rey nodded. “Why do you think I’m still wearing it, silly?”

Something shifted in the room, Ben was holding Rey but she moved her body in his arms, now in control.

Ben released her without Rey having to verbalize anything. He read her body language; depositing her on his bed on her knees where she proceeded to unzip her jumpsuit inch by inch, Ben’s eyes not pretending to look anywhere else, his breath caught somewhere in his throat, the back of his mouth, unable to escape. His lips were partied, but no sound emerged.

Rey was content to command Ben’s full attention, to have his praise and affection smother her completely. She nodded toward the reading chair in the corner.

“Sit.”

Ben obeyed, walking backwards towards his reading chair in the corner, his eyes still on Rey who was walking in front of him, hands on his chest. He eased himself down into the chair, comfortable, loose arms on the armrests, hands hanging off the edge.

Rey stood before him now, unzipping her costume the rest of the way, to her pubic bone. She was wearing nothing at all beneath it. She had been like that all evening.

Ben looked at her hands, then her stomach, making his way up to her cleavage, collarbone, her neck, her face.

“Tonight went so well.” Rey’s voice was quiet.

Ben swallowed, nodding. “I-It did.”

“I’m so happy.”

Ben was studying her face. She really was.

“Me too,” he whispered.

His legs were spread apart, still watching Rey. Her hand moved down beneath the leather, touching herself, her thumb hanging out over the edge of the fabric.

Ben closed his eyes just for a moment.

“Take off your shirt. You’re going to get yourself off for me.”

Ben removed his shirt, letting it fall to the floor beside the chair. He put one hand on himself over his pajama bottoms.

Rey had one knee up on the ottoman now, his book kicked to the floor, pages pushed up against one another.

“Wrap your fingers around yourself,” she said quietly, moving her hand back and forth across herself, wetness visible through the thin layer of material. Ben dug his bare heels into the hardwood floor.

He did as he was told, moving his hand beneath the cotton fabric.

“Start off gentle.” She was guiding him, wanting him to mirror her movements.

Ben nodded, following her lead.

They moved in unison; Rey rubbing her hand up and down, Ben stroking himself long and slow. His eyelids fluttered and Rey smiled.

“You’re going to come before me,” she said simply.

Ben didn’t argue. He would do whatever Rey wanted, even if she asked him to never get off again unless she was there to witness it.

“Now a bit harder,” she instructed, increasing the up and down, and then circular motion of her hand, nodding at Ben to do the same.

Ben spread his legs wider, moving his hand faster. He stared at Rey’s heel on the ottoman, at the leather hugging her skin, at her hair falling down the front of the open jumpsuit.

Rey kicked the ottoman behind her, moving the same heel to the edge of Ben’s chair, and then placing it on the inside of his thigh.

Ben gasped, his chest heaving now, waiting for whatever came next. He felt Rey smile without looking at her.

“Faster now, please.”

Ben began to stroke himself faster, still steady, but his arm muscles took on the familiar burn. He looked up at Rey now.

“You can,” he whispered, knowing she would understand him.

Rey nodded, moving her heel over to his center, the pointy toe nudging the pressure beneath his pants.

“More,” he said. His voice was barely audible.

“What was that?” Rey asked, two fingers finding their way inside her, causing her hips to move back and forth slowly.

Ben licked his lips, still looking at her.

“More,” He said louder this time.

Rey obliged his request, this time, turning the side of her shoe and the heel into his cock, pressing the finest, sharpest point of the heel into his balls.

Ben felt as if he may pass out. He tried to focus on Rey’s face but all of the energy in his body had moved down to his hips, his cock, his thighs. His legs were shaking.

“Rey…” he started to say something, to ask something, but Rey dug her heel in deeper, and he grabbed himself with one hand, holding onto her leather clad leg with the other, gasping as he came, the room spinning, the walls behind his eyelids turning brilliant colors.

“There you go,” Rey’s voice was soothing, a distant, soft sound as his head hit the back of the chair, his center warm, the room bright now as he opened his eyes to see Rey hadn’t moved, waiting for him.

~ ~ ~

“You got this, Ben!”

Rey was watching from the mat, hands on her hips. She had an excellent vantage point from where she stood, watching Ben scale the indoor rock climbing wall, his long body stretched out above her, arms and legs reaching the rocks with ease.

“I could do this all day,” she called up to him, cupping her mouth with her hands.

Ben looked down and over his shoulder at Rey, sweating, smiling. He was wearing a black tank top and navy blue loose fitting pants and his favorite running sneakers.

It had been Rey’s idea to go indoor rock climbing. She couldn’t believe Ben had never been before but then again he was born and raised in the City. He told her the only animals he thought existed were rats, pigeons and the taxidermy beasts in the Natural History Museum. She had taken trips over the summer, by herself and with Olivia, upstate to go hiking and just to escape the city. She had rented a car and they had spent long summer days having picnics in parks and on the sides of mountains, having sleepovers in tents and cozy cabins all over upstate New York and Connecticut. 

Rey missed getting away and was dying to see the changing leaves upstate, even though it would mostly be over by now. She had been debating how and when to ask Ben to go away for a weekend, maybe around Christmas. Maybe with the kids, maybe without, maybe both.

The prospect had seemed much more frightening before Halloween. It had seemed too soon, too quick. But things had smoothed themselves out into an easy rhythm, with moments big and small, good and bad (a few jealous breakdowns, the kids, not the adults, thankfully) and Rey allowed herself to feel cautiously optimistic. It was hard not to feel hopeful around someone with the energy of Ben. He was at times goofy, playful, hard-working, and genuine.

Rey sensed, knew that there was a darkness there inside him, and he did work longer hours than even she did. She knew his work had always been a distraction and now was the acknowledged source of some deep sadness he’d always carried, an unwillingness to be able to fully join in the life that had been set out before him. Ben had told her many times that this, the time they spent together, the shared moments, hours and days were the life he had chosen, the life he wanted. Rey was never sure how to respond when he said those things. She knew how it felt to have no choice over where your life was headed and when you finally did, it was more than a relief; it was a reawakening.

“You coming up or what?” Ben teased from near the top of the rock wall, his hand wrapped around the neon green cord connected to his waist. His voice was a boom, an echo. He was smiling down at her.

Rey laughed. “I’ll be right there!”

She climbed the wall with ease, her arms and legs strong from running, climbing and now yoga with Ben. And…other things with Ben. She had never slept less in her life except maybe when Ollie was a baby since she was the only parent who would wake up to feed her or hold her. But lately that same exhausted, but happy feeling came back for a visit.

Rey had threatened Ben that they could only have sex on the weekends or nights when she didn’t have to work the next morning but it was useless. If she slept over or if Ben stayed at her place, even if they fell asleep reading or watching a movie, it was only a matter of minutes of hours before one of them rolled over, nudging the other, sometimes to be held, but often times for much more. Rey had surprised herself by waking in the middle of the night the week before and climbing directly on top of Ben, pulling down his pajama bottoms with no preamble, and working him with her hand until he was hard and semi-awake and sliding him into her. It had been silent, just a few heavy breaths and Ben’s _Dear God, Rey…_ near the end as if they were afraid of waking anyone even though they were the only two people in the apartment.

Then there were the mornings when it was already hard enough to get out of bed and being with Ben made it that much more difficult. He would hold her hostage in bed, arms around her waist, mouth on her neck, refusing to let go.

“Why can’t we live a life of luxury without having to actually go to work?” He had whined the morning before, pouted lips as he watched the electric kettle begin to boil, its light turning blue on the bottom of the glass. He looked like a sad little boy. It made Rey’s heart swell to twice its size.

“Maybe one day, my dear,” she said giving him a kiss on the cheek as she made eggs for the two of them.

Now Rey was near the top of the wall where Ben was, only a bit out of breath, a thin sheen of sweat on her chest and upper arms.

Ben stared at her like he always did, no matter what she was wearing (or what she wasn’t) and this time he actually sighed.

“Stronger than me too, I can’t win,” he teased, letting himself swing a bit on the cords. She had gotten up here so damn fast.

Rey leaned over to pat him reassuringly on the shoulder.

“You’ll get there one day, don’t worry. You get so impatient with yourself.”

Ben hadn’t stop smiling, knowing she was being only a little serious. He leaned in for a kiss atop their fake rock mountain side.

“Wanna head back down?” She asked, wiping a hand across her forehead.

Ben nodded and reached for her hand.

“Let’s go down together.”

Rey laughed, shaking her head.

“It doesn’t work like that I’m afraid.”

Ben shrugged.

“I’m sad that you didn’t climb up before me, I missed the exquisite view.”

Rey nodded. “That you did. But don’t worry; I did my fair share of cat calling from down below.”

Ben grabbed Rey’s hand and pushed himself off the wall, hanging by the cords.

Rey had no choice but to follow, falling away from the wall with him, not scared, only thrilled as they looked at one another, moving back toward the surface to push themselves off again by their feet, flying out and down, skipping the stones and rocks along the way, their laughter hitting every wall in the room on the way down.

~ ~ ~

“I’ll have two Green Monster smoothies,” Ben said at the counter, holding up two fingers, Rey standing beside him.

They waited for their insanely overpriced drinks, taking them to go on their walk through the Park. It was just cool enough for a light jacket, their bodies adjusting from the heat and activity earlier.

They walked along in silence for a while, both slurping from their eco-friendly bottles when Rey stopped to wipe her mouth and look up at Ben.

“Why don’t we go away for the holidays? I mean all four of us? Or just you and I if we can? If the sitters are free?”

Rey realized she had been holding her breath, finally letting it out when Ben nodded, purple and white striped paper straw still in his mouth as he looked at the ground then up at her.

“I would love that.” Another sip, a tighter grip on her hand. “Where should we go?”

Rey shrugged. “Maybe upstate? Ollie and I spent a lot of time up there over the summer, camping or renting a cabin.”

Ben was smiling, crooked teeth around his straw now.

“I’ll start doing some research tonight.”

Rey squeezed his hand in return.

“I’ll help.”

They fell back into comfortable, easy silence again, nearing the edge of the Park where the City greeted them once again.

“Maybe we could even take one of those silly, corny holiday photos in matching sweaters in front of a fireplace. Ollie would love it!”

Ben was laughing now. “I know exactly what you mean. Kids at my school used to have parents who made them do something similar. Well, for Hanukah usually. God, they _hated_ it. They always looked so miserable when their parents made them bring copies of the pictures to school for the teachers who probably tossed them out as soon as we all left for winter break. I know I would have.” 

“Oh Ben, we must!” Rey was hanging off his large body now, a child begging for something joyful and simple. “I always wanted to do something like this! It’ll just be for a laugh.”

Ben was nodding, his arm around her now.

“We can, we will.”

Rey satisfied, put her head against his arm as they continued to walk. She felt Ben’s arm tense under her temple, and knew he was about to ask something he had likely been sitting on for a while.

“So you never took any holiday photos with any of the foster families you…or with your ex-husband…?”

Rey shook her head, not speaking. More silence between them. Ben’s body was still tense, on edge.

“Have you ever…looked for your birth parents? Aren’t you curious who they are?”

Ray’s body stiffened and she stopped walking, Ben going ahead a few steps in front of her, falling back when he realized that she wasn’t moving.

“Ben.” Rey looked up at him, his face holding worry, instant regret but it was too late now. The box had been opened.

“I don’t care. I mean…” Rey lifted her arms and let them drop by her sides again. “If they didn’t care enough about me to give me away, with no idea what would happen to me, why should I….” She shrugged. “Why should I give them any of my time or energy? They had their personal records sealed, probably destroyed by now, I’m sure.”

Her voice was quiet and she was looking past Ben now at the busy street beyond. There was more she wanted to say.

“I know a bit about their circumstances. I know they were alcoholics, drug addicts. They had me too young. It happens, I get it. I’m sure they needed the money more than they needed me.”

Ben wanted to crumple and fall through the Earth at her words. She wasn’t emotional, she was resigned. He wasn’t sure which was worse.

“Rey…”

She shook her head. “I won’t say its fine because it isn’t. But it’s in the past. I’m here now.”

Ben wasn’t ready to let it go, but he could tell that was Rey’s way of ending the conversation. He nodded and reached for her hand, leading them through the crosswalks around baby carriages and evening runners, Rey changing the topic to what to have for dinner, volunteering to cook for a change, regaling Ben with stories of terrible meals she had made in the past.

Ben listened and laughed but his head, his thoughts were a billion miles away, resting on a distant planet, imagining the feeling of truly being given away without a second thought. At least his parents had pretended to give a shit sometimes and maybe they did. But to be a lone star in a galaxy billions of years old, with no one to guide you, Ben wondered how Rey hadn’t lost her way somewhere along the uneven footpath of time.

How was she here now, holding onto him, having built a life for herself out of nothing, creating light from only darkness?

~ ~ ~

Ben was pacing the large space of his office, one hand in his pocket, the other running through his hair.

The conversation with Rey in the Park was still on his mind, hanging around the corners of his memory from days before. She had made it clear at least with her words that she no longer thought about who her birth parents were or what happened to them. Ben had listened and offered sympathy and support, holding her when she was ready to let the conversation go, to drop the subject all together.

But there was a nagging feeling that all the pieces of the puzzle didn’t quite fit together. The riddle wasn’t solved. Ben knew how it felt to never be told the truth about your own family. He knew how it felt to have to believe the show your parents put on for the world, to nod and smile at the lies that were fed to you by people that supposedly cared about you and your wellbeing.

Even when you said that you did not care, you did. You had no choice. It was a running theme in both of their lives.

Ben was still pacing, biting at his thumbnail when Poe knocked on the glass of his office and pointed at his watch. They were due to leave for a meeting downtown in ten minutes.

Ben signaled he would be there in a second. Poe disappeared and Ben stared at the empty hallway for a moment before moving to his desk to grab his coat from the back of his chair. He shrugged into the smooth velvet, letting it settle over his broad shoulders, buttoning the middle button, tailored perfectly to fit his body.

He settled down in the chair to give his email one last glance, large hand on the mouse moving it across the glass desk top. He hated the mouse pads on laptops, his fingers were too big and clumsy for them.

There was nothing pressing or urgent so Ben turned to his other monitor, typing the name of a friend from college he hadn’t spoken with in years into the search bar.

Ben didn’t practice criminal law, but he remembered someone who did. They had lived down the hallway from one another in law school. If anyone could help him, Holdo could. He knew she still practiced law in the City and had connections everywhere. She was a monster in the court room, or so the legend went. But she had never lost a case to date.

He found her firm’s website and contact information in no time, shooting off a quick email from his work account. The subject was _Hello from an old friend._

The email was brief and to the point.

From; [solo.ben@soloandarmitageassociates.com](mailto:solo.ben@soloandarmitageassociates.com)

To; [holdo@admiralfirmnyc.com](mailto:holdo@admiralfirmnyc.com)

_12:39 p.m._

_Tuesday, November 9 th. _

_Holdo-_

_Long time no talk. I need a little bit of help. Know any good private investigators in the City? More specifically, someone who does international work?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments help so much, so thank you to all who take the time to leave a note or two. It means a lot to me. <3


	11. If You Love Enough, You'll Lie A Lot.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe learns the truth about Ben. Ben meets with an old friend. Rey and Ben spend an evening at home with the kids and travel down a shared path.
> 
> **This is a somewhat heavy chapter, but necessary. There aren't many chapters left (just 2), so I needed to tie up a few loose ends here. Hopefully this answers some lingering questions. This is a happy story at it's core; even in the midst of conflict and secrets revealed, these two are unshakable.**

Poe was tapping the top of his monogrammed pen against the glass table top, staring at Ben across from him in their largest conference room.

He had known Ben too many years to not notice the subtle change in his behavior. He wasn’t throwing things around his office as he did in his 20’s (or a few months ago) or having a mid-day martini or two after a meeting with a client. No, it was more of a quiet worry, maybe even a subdued anger or sadness of some sort. He still worked the same as always, non-stop, high capacity and without error. But something was different. He walked the hallways with his head down, hands in his pockets. He would smile at Poe’s jokes, but never more than that.

Hux had corned Poe, asking him what was going on with Ben lately.

“I thought he had a girlfriend he was crazy about,” Hux whispered over his cup of tea that morning in the employee kitchen even though they were the only two there.

Poe shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine.” 

“It’s almost worse this way, you know? At least when he was throwing things and slamming doors, you knew where you stood.” 

Poe almost laughed. Hux had a point for once.

“He’s too old for all that now,” Poe half-joked, heading to his office for the day.

Now Poe took the time to study Ben’s features, his movements across the conference room table. Ben had his elbows on the table; his fingers were together, pointed in the shape of a temple on his lips. But Poe knew he wasn’t listening. His mind was a million miles away.

Poe waited until everyone had left the conference room after the meeting, following Ben to his office, closing the door behind him.

“What’s up Poe?” Ben was at his desk, his back to Poe, but he knew it was him. He was standing, flipping through some papers on his desk.

Poe leaned against the closed door, arms folded.

“What’s going on with you lately Solo?”

Ben looked up from the papers and files he was scattering on his desk. “What’s that?”

Poe pushed himself off the door, walking slowly over to Ben’s desk and sinking into one of the leather chairs in front of it.

“Something is up with you. So, out with it.” 

Only Poe could speak to Ben like that, at least as far as people in the office were concerned.

Ben avoided Poe’s gaze, still focused on the menial task of shuffling and organizing papers.

“Wow, that must be some really important paperwork you got there,” Poe commented. He was watching Ben move the same stack of folders back and forth.

Ben looked up, seeming to notice Poe for the first time. His eyebrows met at a sharp point, his nose scrunched up. 

“What are you doing? Did I forget we had a meeting or something?”

Poe shook his head, hands folded on his stomach.

“Nope. Just two old pals, shooting the shit.”

“Okay…” Ben’s voice was measured. Poe was up to something.

“Did you and Rey break up?”

Ben’s head snapped up, his eyes laser focused on his friend, one hand on his hip now. The papers and files were now completely forgotten about.

“What the fuck? No. Why would you even bring that up? Jesus.”

Poe nodded. “Okay, then.”

A moment or two passed before Poe took a deep breath and dived right in.

“Your sudden change of mood over the last couple of weeks wouldn’t have anything to do with why Han called me a few days ago, would it?”

Now Ben was giving Poe his full attention.

“What did you just say?” Ben’s voice took on a lower register, his jaw tightening from the inside out.

Poe sighed. “I should have told you sooner but your Father called here looking for you. He says you’ve been ignoring his calls and emails for a while now. You’ve even been ignoring Leia, he said.”

“So, he called _you_?” Ben practically spat out the words, two distinct veins popping out on his neck.

Poe held out his hands in defense. “All I did was answer the phone, Ben.”

“What else did he say?” Ben was still standing, looking down at Poe, his rage no longer under question.

“That’s it. And he told me to tell you to please call them, said that they really needed to talk to you. I promised him I would pass along the message. That’s all I said.”

“Pfft, okay.” Ben moved from behind his desk to walk over to the floor to ceiling window, looking down at the City below. His back was to Poe now. Ben was running his hand through his hair so much Poe was worried some of it may fall out.

“My Father is a son of a bitch; you know that?”

Poe studied the outline of his friend as he stood there. He waited. A storm was brewing between Ben’s pronounced shoulder blades; his back was straight as a rod.

“He always has been. Her too for that matter,” Ben said, referring to Leia.

“They should have never gotten married, should have never had a kid. They just…they were a fucking _mess._ ” The last word was practically a hiss, slipping out from between Ben’s teeth like venom.

“I know Luke was around a lot…” Poe attempted, but Ben cut him off.

“And Luke. Uncle of the Year, everyone’s favorite Hero. A _good_ guy.” Ben scoffed. “He’s just a lonely old man. His only friends are his goddamned, musty old Philosophy books that only Luke will ever read or give two shits about.” 

Poe said nothing. Ben was attempting to steady his breathing now. Poe found himself mirroring Ben’s breathing pattern to keep them both still, steady.

“None of them ever gave a shit about me. That much has been made very clear to me recently. As if I didn’t know it before.”

Ben turned to face Poe now. Poe looked up, quiet.

“My Grandfather, my fucking Grandfather.”

Poe made a face. “Anakin?” He hadn’t heard Ben say that name in years.

Ben laughed, short and hostile. “Yeah, that’s him.”

“Isn’t he…you know…dead?”

Ben nodded. “Yes. He’s very much dead. And yet, somehow, he manages to continue to follow me around, to basically haunt me thanks to my parents and Luke.”

Poe shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

Ben was walking back and forth in front of the windows, years and years of pent up feelings he had probably never been able to articulate or voice were pushed to the surface now, refusing and unable to be ignored any longer.

“My Grandfather paid for my education, all of college, including law school.”

Poe was waiting for more information. He had always sort of figured family money had propped up most of Ben’s life but had never dared to say anything.

“Which is okay, whatever.” Ben was already dismissing that part of the story with his words, his hands.

“The thing is, it was all done in service of keeping the Firm alive. There were certain expectations tied to his generosity.” Ben motioned to his desk. “I found a couple of emails on one of my Dad’s old laptops a while back. Emails between him and my Grandfather, my Mother and Luke were on them too.”

Poe wasn’t sure what was coming but he had a feeling it wasn’t good.

“Did you know that one of the reasons, maybe the _main_ reason my family still has as much money as they do is because I became a lawyer?” Ben nodded, answering his own question.

“In the emails, Anakin let my parents and Luke know in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t carry on the family legacy of becoming a partner in the firm, he was cutting them off. Meaning, my mother and Luke would get zero of their inheritance.”

Poe didn’t say anything for a long time, letting everything Ben had said sink in. He pursed his lips, choosing his words carefully.

“Well. That. Is. Fucked. Up.” That was the best he could come up with. He knew Ben wanted more.

Ben turned to look at him now, still standing by the window.

“All along I’ve just been a fucking pawn to them. You realize that don’t you?”

Poe nodded. “I do. But you also could have left law school at any time. No one _forced_ you to become a lawyer, Ben. Some part of you likes it. You’re a fucking… _phenomenal_ attorney-“

“Yeah, working for a bunch of corporate crooks,” Ben muttered, not giving in so easily. 

“So don’t. Fire all these asshole clients. Re-brand the Firm, hell, close it down and let’s open a little office downtown to take on clients in need, hire family law attorneys, immigration lawyers. You know we could do it.”

Ben was still standing by the window, silent.

“Look I know your parents weren’t perfect, maybe they were actually awful. Han Solo used to be one of the biggest sons of bitches in this City before Leia met him and forced him to settle down. But you,” Poe was standing now, walking over to his friend.

“You have the chance to do something great, to be someone different.” He stood in front of Ben now, several inches shorter but looking directly at him. Poe shrugged.

“Fuck them,” he said. “You have Trin and Rey now. The Firm is yours now. You can do whatever the hell you want.”

Ben swallowed, looking past Poe now. He was standing in the room with the only person who wasn’t family who knew him this way. Poe and Rey. Ben wished she was here too. He wished he had the ability to jump through the window, soaring, landing on the streets below, Rey in his arms, like all the superheroes in Trin’s comic books.

“It’s the lying Poe that gets me.” He looked at his friend now, eyes wide. “Why did they lie to me? Why did they never even give me a chance to be anything, to be anyone else?”

Poe didn’t respond. There was nothing he could say that would make this better.

“It’s Luke,” Ben finally said. “That’s what hurts the most about all of this. I expect this from my parents. But to know Luke was in it on it too…” Ben let the sentence hang there; his body limp with defeat now. If he had learned all of this years ago, the office would have been destroyed, the building burned down, and Ben may have wanted to physically fight Han Solo to the death with swords like it was 1850.

But now, now, Ben stood looking small in the large office, unsure of where to go from here.

Poe spoke first, asking a question he had wanted the answer to for over a decade.

“Ben…Who is Kylo Ren? Why did Anakin call you that on the phone that day in college?”

Ben’s eyes looked at him, wide and hollow. He wasn’t angry. He was tired. He took a deep breath. Poe almost wanted to hug him. A whole lifetime of deceit was being laid bare in this office, the office that used to be his Father’s, and before that, his Grandfather’s.

“He used to call me that instead of Ben. I guess it was an old family name on his side. It’s who my Grandfather wanted me to be, I think, the name he wanted me to have. It drove my Dad crazy. Every holiday, all of my birthday cards and gifts were always addressed to _Ren_ , or _Kylo Ren_. He would always call me that in front of my parents. It was his little way of saying, you’re more like me than that sad sack of a Father you have, I think.”

“And you…you answered to it? You were okay with it?”

Ben shrugged. “What was I supposed to do? Especially now that I know he was propping up my entire family.”

A beat.

“I loved them both you know, my Father and my Grandfather. No matter how much they hated one another. I thought that the one constant in my life was Luke; that he would help me straddle those two insane worlds. I knew my Mother, as much as she loved me would go along with whatever my Father did. He was in charge. So that left me…where exactly?”

Ben stepped back now, shaking his head, his back against the sun warmed glass miles above the City.

“But it doesn’t matter now. It’s all in the past.”

Poe nodded. “Yes, it is.”

Poe knew Ben’s default was to let what was in the past not just stay there, but to never face it again. Ben buried things twelve feet deep, forgetting that ghosts and ghouls came to play at night, forgetting that demons could rise from the Earth when you least expected it.

He had that in common with his Mother and Father.

Ben was walking back to his desk. He closed his laptop, shrugging on his black pea coat. He was clearly done for the day.

“What if you told your parents and Luke everything you just told me? Then it could finally be over?”

Poe was standing in front of Ben’s desk again, hopeful, trying to help.

Ben didn’t respond. He was carefully packing files in his black, leather bag. Poe watched and listened as he pressed the button on his phone to Zorri’s desk telling her he was stepping out of the rest of the day.

Ben was at the door when he turned around to look at Poe.

“Hey. Thanks for listening to my bullshit for all these years. It means a lot to me.”

Poe opened his mouth to respond, to say it was no problem, that he was always here, but Ben was gone, a dark, blurry figure, a retreating ghost.

~ ~~

Ben looked at his watch. He was right on time; as always. He double checked the time on his phone to make sure the two devices were in sync.

He looked up from his espresso and soda water to see Holdo headed towards him, the hostess pointing her in his direction through the lunch crowd.

Ben waved in her general direction, his long arm in the air. Holdo was hard to miss at nearly six feet tall, shock white hair with a severe lilac streak running through the side. Nothing had changed since law school.

Holdo swerved her way in and out from between people with elegance and ease, finally approaching the table, Ben standing to greet her. They kissed one another on each cheek, hands on one another’s arms.

“Benjamin Solo, I can’t believe it’s been so long.” Her voice was warm, engaged.

Ben was smiling. “It’s great to see you, Holdo. You look exactly the same, lovely as ever.”

“Oh, please,” Holdo waved a hand as they sat across from one another across the blinding white tablecloth at one of Ben’s favorite cafes in Bryant Park.

“You always were a charmer. Well, when you weren’t sulking in your room listening to death metal.”

Ben laughed. “Yes, my high school Goth days often came back to haunt me. They still do.”

“Mmm hmm,” Holdo agreed, opening up her menu. The waitress came and she ordered an aperol spritz and a cup of tea with a kale and Caesar salmon salad. Ben ordered a sandwich he knew he wouldn’t eat.

“But you were always quite the softie,” she teased, setting the menu down once she had decided.

Ben looked at her, tilting his head. “What do you mean?”

“Oh you know,” Holdo gestured towards him. “You acted all big and bad sometimes on campus, but then you would show up to class in your cute black or navy blue V-neck sweaters, books under your arm, hair perfect and all the girls, and boys would swoon. Everyone wanted to be your study partner!”

Ben laughed, shaking his head. “I don’t remember any of this.”

Holdo looked at him knowingly, seeming years older than him even though they were the same age.

“You wanted to be the bad boy so much but you were… you were _good_.” Her last word lingered there in the air between them for a few seconds before Ben cleared his throat, unfolding his napkin on his lap as their food arrived.

“Thank you for meeting me here,” Ben commented watching Holdo polish off her drink, looking at him over the glass rim.

“I know my email seemed…strange to say the least. But you were the first person I thought of.”

Holdo laughed. “When you need to find out information on something or someone that someone else wants hidden, you know who to call.”

Ben forced a laugh in return. “I guess so.” 

“Though I have to admit, I didn’t expect my guy would have found it so quickly.”

Holdo was reaching into her leopard print bag, a pink silk scarfed tied around the leather handle. Now Ben was sure he would not eat a bite of his lunch that sat in front of him. His stomach did a flop in his gut. He pressed the soles of his shoes all the way to the floor.

Holdo handed a sealed manila envelope across the table to him. Ben took it with one hand, trying to keep his grip steady.

“That’s everything. I guess the orphanage was a shit show and lost half the records when they moved buildings a few years back, so they couldn’t remember which ones were sealed and which weren’t. He got lucky.”

“Mmm.” Ben half-mumbled, half-sighed. He looked at the manila envelope sitting on the table in front of him now.

“Does your friend know that you’re doing this?” Holdo asked a fork full of kale and salmon raised to her lips.

Ben shook his head. “No. No they don’t.”

Holdo sat back, chewing, staring at Ben.

“Did they ask you to help find out who their birth parents are?”

Ben shook his head. He was picking at the linen napkin on his lap, chicken and sprouts sandwich gone untouched.

“Ben I…” Holdo paused. “Far be it from me to tell you what to do or how to live your life but things like this are very sensitive. It can be extremely personal for people.”

Ben was nodding. “No, I understand. I get that.”

Holdo was reaching across the table now; her hand on Ben’s which was still lying on top of the envelope.

“I know you mean well. I know you’re doing this because you care.”

Ben said nothing, waiting for her to go on.

“Just think about what this means to the other person. How it could turn their whole world on its head.” Holdo sat back again. She shrugged. “Maybe they don’t want that.”

Ben’s gaze flickered upwards.

“But wouldn’t you rather know the truth about who you are?” He asked before he could stop himself.

Holdo dug into her salad again, stabbing at the pieces of lettuce.

“I guess that all depends on the person and what they expect to come of it. I mean,” she half-laughed, gesturing between the two of them. “At some point, it’s like, you’re here now, you know? What if your parents were criminals? What if it says they didn’t even give you name? Would that change who you are now, who you are today? What you don’t know, you just… _don’t know_.”

Ben bit the inside of his jaw, letting Holdo’s words settle into his brain.

“Sometimes I don’t even want to know my parents business and I’m fully aware of who they are!” 

Holdo tossed her hair over shoulder, laughing, and then grew serious again. Holdo had the ability to be sincere but tell you like it is all at the same time. She clearly liked to hear herself talk and had no problem sharing her opinion. But Ben knew she cared too. This is why she always won her cases. She could do both. She could be anything to anyone. He was glad he never had to go up against her in court.

“I guess…living in the dark seems so unfair to me.” Ben’s voice was quiet.

Holdo’s face was one of sympathy. Her hands were under her chin now, elbows on the table lunch half-eaten. She had a faraway look in her eyes.

“It’s a shame we don’t get to choose the parents we end up with or the lives we’re born into. Wouldn’t things be so much simpler if we did?”

Ben was staring at his college friend. This was only the kind of conversation you could have with someone who once knew you well, at a certain time in your life but you hadn’t seen them in who knows how long but here you were again, sharing dark insecurities knowing they would listen and understand without needing to know the details.

“Anyway!” Holdo’s tone was light and breezy again, lifting the air around them with ease. Ben envied her.

“You haven’t even showed me a picture of your son!” She exclaimed.

Ben smiled, reaching into his pocket for his phone, the mention of his son causing his face to brighten instantly. From there the conversation shifted to talk to Tristian, their work, how Poe was doing (still crazy), the New York housing crisis that went on and on, Holdo’s newest love interest, a lovely woman named Catherine. He told her about Rey.

When they rose to go after Ben had paid the bill, Holdo put on her dark purple sunglasses that matched her nail polish perfectly. Ben offered his arm to her as they left the restaurant. Once outside on the street it was Holdo who leaned in, one of the only women not needing to stand on tip toes to look Ben in the face and hugged him, holding him at arm’s length after.

“You call me if you ever need anything for yourself. And I don’t mean birth records.”

Ben laughed. “Alright. Deal.”

“I mean if you ever want to talk or just you know, to shoot the shit. One college friend to another.” Holdo stepped away now, raising an elegant arm to flag down a cab to take her back to the office. One pulled up instantly. That was the magic of Holdo.

She had one foot in the cab, hands on the door, when she turned back to Ben who was still standing on the sidewalk, hands in the pocket of his pea coat.

“Take care of yourself, Benjamin Solo. You’ve got quite a good thing going. And I don’t mean your firm.”

And with that, she was gone, a blur of blonde and purple hair, $900 heels and a leopard hand bag disappearing into the downtown steam of NYC taxis.

~ ~ ~

Rey was reading on Ben’s couch, bare feet tucked up under her. It was a book he had been reading that she had gotten sucked into so now they talked about it before bed either next to one another or over text; a book club of two. Perfect.

Ben had gotten off work early and volunteered to make dinner for Rey and Ollie since Trin would be over at his place this evening. The smells of Ben’s infamous sausage, white bean and tortellini soul were filling the entire apartment. He had even had time to pick up fresh flowers for both the kitchen and the living room. Rey could smell garlic bread being heat up in the oven now. Ben was pairing the meal with a white wine from Africa he had been dying to try that he had started talking about as soon as she walked in, holding Ollie.

Rey was starving. The day had been relentless with patients who showed up late, an emergency surgery, and filling in for another doctor when they called out sick on two consultations. She was relieved when she saw Ben’s text at 2pm simply saying, _Come over, bring Ollie. Dinner’s on me._

She watched him now, his back to her as he stirred the large pot of soup. He was tired. She could tell by the way he stood; how his shoulders slumped, his weight unevenly distributed between his bare feet. He had been happy when he greeted her at the door, holding the long sought after bottle of wine, kissing her deeply, and tickling Ollie, kissing her on the hand before she ran off to find Tristian.

But now there was a heaviness there, a sadness that Rey could sense. He was going through the motions. But now wasn’t the time to ask him how his day had gone. She would talk to him later, in bed, offer a massage and curl up against him, putting both their days behind them.

Ollie and Trin were coloring at the kitchen island while Ben cooked. He would turn around, making them his official taste testers as he cooked, to their great delight. He had bought vanilla and chocolate gelato with graham crackers for desert. He had confided this to Rey when he showed her the wine, and she knew Ollie would be thrilled about it.

Rey knew taking care of her and the kids was Ben’s way of soothing himself, of easing himself away from whatever had happened to him, not a distraction, but a way to look after his own needs. She knew that having people he cared about near him and being able to give them what they wanted, what they needed was a balm when the rest of the world was chaotic and cruel.

Ben was a care taker. Maybe it was a product of being left alone or bounced from one adult to another so often as a boy. Rey wasn’t sure but she suspected that was the case. She had never asked.

But she watched him now, turning up NPR Evening Jazz from his phone, comfortable, at home in his large kitchen. He had clearly put a lot of love and thought into creating this space and she loved watching him exist within it.

Rey rose from the couch, leaving the book open, page down on the seat. She walked up behind Ollie and Trin, ruffling her daughter’s hair.

“Trin, that’s a lovely drawing you’re working on. Is that a house?” 

Trin nodded, tongue curled in the corner of his mouth.

“Yep! That’s me and Daddy. Next I’ll add you and Ollie. And a dog. We’re getting a dog.”

Ben turned around to look at his son, holding a large spoon, a red dishrag thrown over his shoulder. His black dress shirt was untucked. He was still wearing his black work slacks.

“Is this for school, bud?” He asked, glancing up at Rey. She was still standing behind the kids, her hands on the back on the chairs. Ben and Rey exchanged a look that was twelve conversations condensed into one moment.

“Yeah, it is.”

“Is this for a project or something?” Ben turned around to stir the soup, but was looking at his son again.

“Yes, Dad,” Trin sounded annoyed now, dragging out the last word. He was intently focused on coloring Ben’s hair black. Ollie was coloring a picture of a horse beside him.

“But I’m not gonna draw Grandma and Grandpa or Uncle Luke cos they’re gone and I don’t know where they went. And Mom lives in our old apartment so she gets her own drawing.”

Rey looked up at Ben, who had stopped stirring, turning off the stove, dishrag placed on the counter now. Ben turned and walked around to Tristian’s side of the island, hoisting him up on his hip. He brushed a stray black curl out of his eye. He was still holding a green crayon where he had been coloring grass.

“Hey cowboy, they’re not gone. We’re just taking a break for a while, having Dad and Trin time, getting to know Rey and Ollie.”

Ben looked at Rey. His eyes had bags under them and his bottom lip was chapped. He was exhausted, on every level, not just physical. Rey waited on Ben to give her a signal—to leave, to jump in, to distract Ollie or herself somehow.

Instead it was Ollie who spoke up, disturbing the semi-still waters from fathoms below.

“My Mummy doesn’t have a Mummy and Daddy so I don’t have a Granny or Papa either!” It was an exclamation, a child’s way of comfort for what Trin had shared; a means of fitting into what was happening around her.

Rey absorbed the shock by letting it roll over her, remaining steady, simply running her hands through her daughter’s hair and looking up at Ben who was still holding Trin.

“I think that’s enough homework for tonight, hmm?”

Ben put Trin back down in his seat while Rey cleared the papers and crayons, Ben returning to his tasks at the stove but there was a shift in the room, the air had made itself scarce around them. Rey kept busy setting the table for the four of them while Ben poured two glasses of wine, handing one to Rey, pulling her close.

“Hey,” his lips were in her hair, hand on the small of her back.

Rey nodded, taking a sip of the wine. It was very good, not too dry; not too sweet. Ben never bought a bad bottle of wine.

She looked up at him, standing on tip toe, barefoot in the kitchen.

“It’s ok,” she whispered, leaning in for a kiss on the tip of his nose.

Dinner was a quiet affair between Rey and Ben that evening. Ollie and Trin kept the conversation going, their attention long switched to other topics such as their friends at their different schools, how long until Thanksgiving break and what they wanted for Christmas.

Rey and Ben studied one another as everyone ate their soup, the kids picking at their salads. Nearly two seasons had come and gone since they met one another. Time was a tricky partner in crime. It moved along at speeds both felt and unseen. Three months was no time at all, and yet all of the time before it felt wasted to the both of them. They were selfish with one another; wanting to go back and steal all of the summers and holidays and midnights they had missed out on sharing.

But then other times, like right now, doubt and confusion took a fifth and sixth seat at the table, attempting to become comfortable in their midst. Ghosts too swirled around the room, distant Mothers and Fathers suddenly arriving as uninvited dinner guests, standing against the walls surrounding them, judging, smoking, holding martini glasses, reading the paper. Faces created out of ash and invisible smoke, made up memories.

When Ben brought dessert to the table, the mood brightened, Rey laughing at Ollie and Ben debating if chocolate or vanilla gelato was better (Ben always sided with chocolate and Ollie was vanilla all the way) while Trin dug in alongside Rey, enjoying both in equal measure, crumbling the graham crackers into crumbs to sprinkle on top.

Rey helped Ben clear the remaining dishes from the table, loading the dishwasher and putting away leftovers in the fridge while Trin and Ollie got ready for bed.

“Can I get you anything? A cup of tea, a cocktail?” Ben was standing beside Rey now, rubbing small, slow circles on her lower back, his voice gentle against the top of her head. They were alone, the sounds of teeth brushing coming from the hallway bathroom.

Rey shook her head.

“I just need a long, hot shower to clear my head. It’s been a day.”

Ben nodded; his chin on the crown of her head now, one arm still around her waist.

“I’m not sure I’ve ever been so ready to put a day behind me until now,” he said running a hand through his hair. It was sticking up all over his head. He had been doing this all day.

Rey looked at him.

“Is everything alright? You look like you’ve been hit about the face a couple of times.”

Ben gave a tired laugh.

“I...” but he never his finished his sentence as Ollie called for Rey to help her brush out the tangles in her hair from the bath.

Rey gave him a quick kiss on the cheek while Ben watched her walk down the hall, her shape smaller than usual.

~ ~ ~

Rey was already in bed, a book open in her lap when Ben got out of the shower, a towel at his hair, black and grey plaid pajama bottoms on. The only light on in the room was the lamp on the nightstand on her side of the bed.

_Her side of the bed._

Ben stood in the doorway staring at her for a moment, knowing she felt him there, wanting her to.

He tossed the towel on the back of the chair in the corner, climbing into bed beside Rey, lying on top of the covers, his back against the mound of pillows against the headboard. The sheets were clean, the room smelling of clean cotton and fall air.

“Hey,” Ben placed his fingertips to Rey’s shoulder. She was wearing a deep emerald tank top with white silk boy shorts, one leg under the duvet. She looked over at Ben.

  
“Did we do this too soon?” Rey’s voice was quiet, her hands resting in the spine of Ben’s book.

Any comfort or ease Ben had been holding in his body escaped through his nostrils, left him through his slightly parted lips. He searched Rey’s eyes, trying to control his breathing which had quickened suddenly.

“I don’t mean us.” Rey shook her head. “I mean,” she gestured toward the door. “The kids. I mean, was it too soon to introduce the kids to one another, to us?” 

“Is this about Trin’s drawing?” Ben asked, scooting closer to her in bed, desperate for contact, touching one another hip to hip so that she couldn’t get away. He placed a hand in her lap, fingering the lace on the hem of her shorts.

“Because he’s always had an active imagination.” Ben felt himself saying words, saying anything to keep her beside him, talking to him.

Rey shook her head. “But is it? We practically live together in two different places. I haven’t been legally divorced a year.” 

“Rey.”

“Maybe Trin is ready for it, but Ollie…there’s been a lot more change for her what with the move and changing schools and a new place to live…”

Now Ben wanted her to stop talking. He wanted to hit rewind and erase everything that had been said since he’d entered the room. He imagined himself getting out of the bed, walking backward, retrieving the towel from the back of the chair, standing in the doorway again, silent, watching.

“Ollie seems fine,” Ben said rubbing her thigh now through the shorts. “If she wasn’t, wouldn’t she tell you?”

Rey’s laugh was small, but it was there.

“Or you. She seems to like you more,” she said almost under her breath.

Ben studied Rey, in so many ways, seeing her for the first time. There was the by now familiar curve of her face, her shoulders, the few baby hairs near her temple and ears that refused to stay in place inside a bun or ponytail.

There was the copper color of her skin that had faded to white since they met, summer’s kiss long gone. Ben wanted to still be with her when the sun came back to graze her shoulders, her chest, her back again. He wanted to watch every single season change with her by his side, pretending they could control the weather, battling storms together.

“I could never lie to Tristian,” Ben said in the quiet of the room. “I could never keep hiding you. I want him to know my life, to understand me as much as he can.”

Neither said anything for a long time.

“I don’t want to be my parents,” Ben’s voice was tucked away somewhere in the corner of the mouth, hiding beneath his tongue, but Rey heard the words, his deepest fear escaping its confines in front of her at last.

Rey put a hand on top of Ben’s hand, lacing their fingers together, stretching her skin to meet his. 

“You could never be your parents. You’re _not_ your parents.” Her grip on his hand was tighter now.

“No, I just have the exact same job they had, in the same building, in the same office, with half of the same clients.” Ben was staring straight ahead now. “I just share my Father’s name, and all of their worst traits.”

“And some of their good traits too, I’m sure.”

Ben put his head against the headboard. He thought of how his Mother could be warm, how sometimes when no one else seemed to understand him, she could read his mind, even if she never admitted it or tried to help in the moment every time. He thought of how his Father jumped into anything without fear, always thinking after the fact. Ben tried to draw lines from them to him, connecting the dots, crossing over walls and bridges to get to running water that he could drink from.

“I told Poe everything today. About my family, my Grandfather.”

Rey turned to Ben in bed now, one leg over his. He looked down at their tangled limbs.

“And? What did he say?”

Ben blinked. “He was actually….helpful. But that’s Poe for you. He seems like he’s nothing but jokes and chasing the next thing that will catch his attention but…”

“But?” Rey was toying with the drawstring on Ben’s pants.

“But…he said that everything is my choice. That I can shut the firm tomorrow and do whatever the hell I want. That nothing is stopping me.

Rey was running a hand up and down Ben’s arm now.

“You can. But I know that freedom can be just as paralyzing as no choice at all.” 

Ben looked at her; he watched her hand on his upper arm, running the backs of her fingers along his skin.

“I like being an orphan with you,” he whispered, pulling her closer.

He felt Rey smile against his shoulder. But she pulled away to look at him.

“But your family is still here. You can call them. You can touch them.” Her hands were at Ben’s collarbone, tracing a line there, back and forth with her pointer finger.

“You get to control things from here on out. And I know you like that. At least sometimes.”

Ben laughed, kissing Rey behind her ear, one arm on her stomach.

“It sounds ridiculous but I spent many years, most of my life in fact wishing I could go back in time and…change things, change everything. I kept waiting for something. I don’t even know what now. Maybe I was waiting for my parents to come find me and explain everything, to tell me they were sorry. But that day never came. So I got married thinking I would correct their mistakes with my own marriage, my own child. But…”

Rey sat up and away from Ben now, turning to look at him, her foot tucked under his knee. He still held onto her hand, her fingers going numb by now but she didn’t care.

“This world is a crazy place, Ben. I wouldn’t trade Ollie for anything in the world. I hope I am the Mother to her my own Mother never wanted to be. But I don’t love her or care for her because I’m keeping score, not anymore. Maybe I did at first. But I realize now she’s a part of me and that’s all that matters. She doesn’t belong to people I’ve never met, two people I never want to meet. I see it as…my life isn’t a bloody movie. You don’t need to see the beginning to understand the middle bits and the ending. You can jump in anywhere and catch up. I just want to keep going. I don’t want to look back.”

Ben leaned in now, his mouth on Rey’s neck. He wanted to melt into the bed with her, to be found centuries from now, two bodies intertwined beneath the earth.

“I always wanted children. I did want to get married; it was just to the wrong person. I always wanted the things my parents never did. And I have them. And I’ll keep having the things I want.” She titled Ben’s face up to look at her.

“And so will you.”

Ben’s body was pulled away from the pillows and headboard by a force unexplained, Rey’s words, her warmth and energy tugging him into her orbit like it had from the first moment he had seen her in that restaurant in Chinatown. It seemed a lifetime ago now; a silly dating app, drunk on martinis, dancing in the street.

Ben pressed his forehead to hers, bending down to do so, their hair overlapping, shower wet and smelling of lemon and honey.

“I love you, Rey.” His voice was soft but clear.

Rey nodded, swallowing.

“I love you too, Benjamin Solo. God, I hope you know that.”

Ben laughed, Rey’s hands touching at the tips of his hair, the corners of his lips.

“I do.”

“Good. Now come here, please.”

Rey pulled Ben down on top of her, leaving the light on so they could see one another, not for the first time, but in a new way, connected, stripped bare, two survivors; two heroes in their own fairy tales, shedding their armor as night settled in.

~ ~~

Ben stood in his home office, the window half-open behind him. His skin was gooseflesh as the cold air seeped in, wrapping itself around his arms and torso. It was nearly 2 a.m. and everyone in the apartment was sound asleep except him. But he wasn’t restless. He was at peace. 

He pulled the manila envelope Holdo had given him from his bag, pulling the sleek leather satchel from the floor to the top of his desk.

Ben stood holding, looking at the large envelope for a long time before reaching into his top desk drawer where he always kept a box of matches.

He walked to the window, letting the blinds up all the way; pushing the bottom half of the window up until it could go no further. He sat on the window sill, feeling like a teenager again; smoking in his childhood bedroom, thinking he would never get caught, chipped black nail polish on his fingernails, his black hair falling into his face.

He placed the envelope in a large bowl he had found under the kitchen sink, setting fire to its edges, watching it burn and crackle in the quiet, the dark of his office, watching it fold in on itself. It didn’t take long to turn to dust.

Ben tipped the edge of the bowl over the window, letting pieces catch on the fire escape, the rest floating down; grey snow onto the streets below.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was so much fun to write Holdo. I clearly took a bit of inspiration from Laura Dern's character in Marriage Story and her character in SW. This was also my sneaky way of writing a fantasy snapshot of Laura and Adam's friendship which I just love. 
> 
> Thanks again to everyone reading, commenting, etc. x


	12. Golden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben surprises Hux. Hux surprises Poe and Ben. Rey surprises Ben.

“You’re big, did you know that?” she asked casually.

Ben was doing yoga in the living room between the couch and the auxiliary bar cart. Ollie had planted herself on his mat below as he stood in warrior pose. She looked up at him, her face in her hands.

Ben laughed, nearly breaking his pose.

“Well, you’re tiny,” he replied, looking down to see Ollie swinging her legs back and forth as she lay on her stomach, still staring at him.

“Mummy says I’m going to be tall one day, like my Dad.”

Ben didn’t say anything, moving into warrior three pose.

“But you’re taller; you’re the tallest person ever.”

Ben was shaking his head, smiling.

“I bet I’m not.”

Ollie nodded. “You’re a giant.” 

She lay there, watching Ben stretch for a few more minutes, before getting up and trying some of the poses herself. It took everything in Ben not to laugh at her efforts. She kept sighing, blowing her hair out of her face. He slowed down so that she could keep up with him. Her hands were on her tiny hips in one powerful stance after another, her small, bare feet digging into the squishy yoga mat beside Ben’s much larger feet and longer legs.

“Hey, come here.”

Ben’s voice was gentle as he bent down to her level, pulling his own hair out of its partial pony tail to use the hair tie to put Ollie’s hair up. He did it with quick, expert fingers, leaving no stray hairs behind, hands gentle on her scalp.

“There. Feel better?”

Ollie turned to face him, nodding.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Rey had gone for a run and to pick up things to make for lunch. She said that Ben had better markets nearby but he teased it was really because she wanted him to cook. So today she was determined to prove him wrong by making everyone lunch. Ben was not allowed to help.

Tristian was at a friend’s house for the afternoon, so it was just Ben and Ollie to keep one another company until Rey returned.

Rey had stood in the doorway, biting her lower lip, reusable cloth bag on her shoulder, hesitating.

“Are you sure you’ll be alright?”

Ben had laughed, running his hands up and down her arms.

“I’m sure. I have one of these too, you know. A kid.”

“I know but…” Rey shifted her weight from foot to foot, staring up at Ben. She looked amazing in her skin-tight running gear, Ben had decided, and he stood in the doorway to his apartment, shoulder propped up against the door frame, admiring her with a sleepy smile.

“I understand. We’ll be fine. We’re looking forward to your gourmet lunch.” Ben leaned in, giving her a kiss on the cheek, then on the tip of her nose.

Rey sighed, not wanting to give in to his soft comfort, but it was too late.

“Okay, okay. I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Call me if you need anything.”

“Will do.”

They stood there, neither wanting to say goodbye, Ben openly staring at Rey’s stomach and legs in her running gear. She knew he was already thinking about the hours after lunch, when Ollie would be down for a nap and Ben would ask her not to shower, and to come to bed, one arm around her waist in the hallway, lips on her neck and shoulders, whispering so as not to wake Ollie, being quiet once they were in the bedroom so as not to wake Ollie, leaving the bedroom door open just a bit.

Rey had reluctantly left, and Ben had gone back inside the apartment to find Ollie sitting on the couch with one of her books. Ben had plopped down beside her, his arm on the back of the couch, his foot on his opposite knee.

They had read together, then colored, and just finished yoga when Ollie took Ben by the hand, leading her over to the overnight bag in the foyer.

“Is everything okay? Do you need something?” Ben watched Ollie bend down and dig through the bag until she found what she was looking for without answering him. When she stood up, she was holding a bottle of dark pink fingernail polish, pushing the white handle into Ben’s thigh.

“I’ll give you a makeover,” she said simply.

Ben looked at the fingernail polish and then looked at Ollie. _Well, this was new._

“Okay. Where should we sit?”

Ollie walked over to the kitchen island and began climbing up into one of the chairs. Ben followed, sitting beside her. He pulled over the stack of paper towels and waited for further instructions.

“Just put your hand out, like this,” she showed him, splaying all five fingers on the counter.

Ben pulled a paper towel from the rack, placing his hand on top of it as Ollie had shown. She shook the bottle in her hands like her Mom had shown her.

“Do you need help?” Ben motioned towards the bottle as Ollie tried to open it. She nodded, handing it over to Ben who took the tiny glass bottle between his large fingers, turning the handle just once to get it open.

“Here you go.” He placed it on the counter between them.

“Okay just sit still.”

Ben watched as Ollie dipped the brush into the nail polish carefully, spreading it first on his thumb nail in slow, careful strokes. He kept his hand still as she moved onto his other fingers, looking up when she had completed one hand.

“Do you like it?”

Ben raised his hand from the table, admiring her work. He gave a nod of approval.

“I think it looks wonderful.” He showed her his other hand with its bare nails.

“Ready when you are.”

Ben’s keys were in the lock, Rey opening the door with one hand, one foot shoved in the doorway to prop it open. Chatter was coming from the kitchen, the sounds of Ben and Olivia’s voices making their way to her in the foyer.

Rey was halfway in the kitchen, a bag in each hand before Ben and Olivia noticed her. Ben sat on a chair beside her daughter, nails a vibrant pink, displayed on the counter, the two of them blowing on the fresh coat to try and dry them quicker.

“Mummy! I painted Ben’s nails!”

Ben held both his hands up for Rey to see, a smile on his face.

Rey dropped the bags on the counter and stood there, hands on her hips, a happy observer.

“I leave you two alone for no time at all…” Rey shook her head, looking at Ben. She had never felt her heart expand the way it was right now, as if it may burst out of her rib cage and land somewhere on the ceiling.

This wasn’t the first time she had felt overcome with such an emotion, that sort of unbridled happiness that people say is so rare, that she knows from experience to be scarce.

Rey lets herself enjoy the moment, not wanting to disrupt it any further, as Ollie observes her work one last time before asking for help down from the chair and running to give Rey a quick hug hello, then she was off to the living room where her books were, her attention span short even for her Mother.

Rey was still smiling at Ben in the doorway of the kitchen. “I’m impressed.”

Ben patted the chair beside him. “Why’s that?”

Rey walked over, sliding into the seat, kissing him on the cheek.

“Just you. She’s happy when she’s with you.”

Ben reached down, lacing his fingers through Rey’s. 

“I’m happy when I’m with her too. How could I not be? I now have my very own personal stylist.”

Rey laughed until she snorted which made her laugh even harder.

“Now that’s sexy,” Ben teased, bumping his knee into hers beneath the island.

Rey sighed, content, looking over shoulder at her daughter, organizing her books and a few stuffed animals around the couch and the floor. She was playing teacher. 

“I love this.”

Ben made a noise low in his throat, a soft hum of agreement.

Rey lifted his hand, the one she was holding, leaving soft kisses on the freshly painted fingernails. She watched his face as she made her way from his thumb to his pinky finger, taking her time.

Ben’s gaze was on her mouth, one corner of his lips curved upward with delight, pleasure.

“It could be just like this you know…all of the time.” Ben’s voice was light, testing something, trying out the words he had just spoken with care.

Rey didn’t respond right away. She looked down at their hands clasped on top of her thigh, such large hands made delicate by the pink gloss on his nails, Rey’s own hands and nails clean and bare; deep red lines around her wrists from the heavy bags full of groceries.

Rey took a deep breath before she spoke.

“I know.”

When that was all she said, Ben felt his body tense. He fought the urge to jump in, to fill the space with words, not caring if they had purpose or were a meaningless jumble. He was eager to not let dark thoughts creep into Rey’s mind, separating them in any way from the present moment.

“I love being here with you,” she started, rubbing his hand with her fingers. “Your apartment feels like home already.”

Ben swallowed.

“But?” His laugh fell off half-way, sad and small. It felt as if his heart was slowly falling down a staircase with no ground floor.

Rey reached up to touch the ends of his hair. He was leaning in as close as he could; his shoulders bent and pushed forward to look her in the eye, his other hand rubbing slow circles between her shoulder blades.

Ben put himself in Rey’s place; she had been picked up and left the only home she had ever known, kid in tow, to begin a life here only six months before. She had her own apartment for the first time ever, never knowing freedom, always sharing space with roommates and a husband. He knew she deserved all the time in the world to be on her own, that he was probably asking too much of her already.

But that didn’t stop his desire, the yearning he felt to cobble together the family he wanted, the family he knew could happen, how it wouldn’t be re-writing the past, or re-creating something he’d never had, but that it would be brand new and it would be perfect in all its imperfections, temper tantrums, late nights and miscommunications, perfect in the midst of late Valentine’s Day dinners and puberty, two teens under one roof, perfect and calm in the center of the storm all around them.

Rey leaned in, pressing her forehead against his.

“I want…everything with you,” she whispered.

Ben licked his lips, waiting. He blinked, hoping to fill his dry eyes, realizing he had been staring at her, immobile for several minutes. He would wait as long as it took for Rey to finish what she wanted to say.

“And I’m not scared anymore. Maybe I should be, but, I’m not.”

“Good,” Ben whispered, pulling her knuckles up to his mouth to kiss.

The sounds of Olivia playing in the living room were softly dying down, until they both looked over to see her sound asleep on the floor, her favorite stuffed rabbit, Frances, lying on her chest, a hand in her hair as her breathing became soft and even.

Rey laughed softly, looking at Ben again. “Can I put her in Tristian’s bed?”

Ben nodded, settling back into his chair. “Of course.”

Rey got up, her hands on his thighs. “Then I’ll start lunch. I promised, remember?”

“I do. I’m holding you to it.”

Ben watched her go, walking into the living room, scooping up her daughter, cradling her sleeping body, resting Ollie’s head on her shoulder as she headed down the hall to Tristian’s room, bare foot, still in her running clothes. She was softly humming a song Ben wasn’t familiar with. Maybe it was a lullaby shared between the two of them.

Ben watched until her shadow disappeared, leaving him alone with the bags of food waiting for her, her presence remaining in the room long after she was gone. He didn’t dare move, fearful of disturbing the way she left things.

He closed his eyes for a moment, thinking of the love he had known before, all of the mistakes he had made, the lines he had crossed, the times he had said and been told goodbye. He remembered hurting good people, trusting people who eventually betrayed him; he thought of the score board he used to keep, now hidden away somewhere he couldn’t recall.

For a moment, he was elsewhere, his mind running wild but not chaotic, instead all was calm and steady; a clear path lay ahead.

He knew what he wanted.

No longer the heroic Prince he had always assumed himself to be, the heir apparent he had been told he was his entire life, no, now Ben imagined himself as the one waking up for the first time from a dark slumber, daylight greeting him as he opened his eyes.

~ ~~

The largest conference table in the office was neatly organized with a leather folder in front of each chair, two bottles of water beside each folder, coffee and tea carafes in the middle along with fruit and pastries from a nearby local bakery.

Poe, Hux and Ben stood against one of the glass walls, all dressed in their finest suits, and tailored within an inch of their life. Hux kept checking his watch as if it would somehow make the time go faster.

“Maybe we should have ordered mimosas instead of coffee,” Poe whispered against Ben’s shoulder, covering his mouth with one hand.

Ben smirked. He didn’t care what happened, he was happy. This had been a long time coming.

Poe and Hux had been the first two people he’d told about the changes, calling an informal meeting in his office after 5pm one day by sending an email to the two of them that simply said _Come to my office at 5:30. Thanks._

“Well, this is a first,” Hux had commented, his voice tight, buttoning and unbuttoning the jacket of his suit as he sat beside Poe in front of Ben’s desk. He kept crossing and uncrossing his legs, nervous as to why this meeting was happening in the first place. Late night meetings with Ben Solo simply didn’t happen anymore

“Yeah, well I’m full of surprises,” Ben said dryly, tapping the tip of his pen on the glass desktop.

Poe was practically giddy sitting there, looking between Ben and Hux, already knowing what was coming and eager for the reaction. He was essentially a child.

“God, you’re like a rabid monkey,” Hux watched at Poe as he bounced his leg up and down, grinning.

Poe made a kissing sound in his direction, puckering his lips.

“Okay, okay, calm down,” Ben interrupted their fun with a wave of his hand.

Hux had not taken the news well when Ben told him that the Firm was _re-branding, evolving_ ; using all the corporate buzz words he could think of until eventually, predictably, Hux wore him down.

“We’re changing the way we do things, okay? I’ve already started letting our clients know…”

“You’ve _what_?!” Hux had exploded, rising to his feet. Poe had pretended to be eating from a bowl of invisible popcorn as he watched the scene play out before him.

“Sit down.” It wasn’t a request from Ben. He looked up at Hux.

“What do you mean we’re changing the way we do things and that you’ve already told the clients? Told them what?” Hux sat down but he was on the edge of his seat, furious.

“Your neck veins are showing,” Poe observed, pointing in Hux’s direction, a single finger against his skin. Hux slapped his hand away.

Ben was calm, sitting all the way back in his chair, elbows resting on the armrests.

“I’ve let them know that we are shifting away from corporate law and that the services we offer in the future may not necessarily be in alignment with their business needs. I let them know we are going to be taking on a different, more diverse client base over the course of the next six months to a year so that we can slowly transition their cases elsewhere.”

“And you thought to announce all of this without consulting me, one of the partners?”

Ben knew this was coming. He took a deep breath, twirling his heavy, silver pen between his fingers. It bore his initials on the cap and sides.

“Yes, I did. I understand your role as partner here, but there is no board and I have the final say in all business decisions.”

“To put it another way, he knew that if he asked you, you would scream no and refuse to cooperate so,” Poe shrugged. Ben gave Poe a look.

“I value and respect the work you do for the firm, Armitage. You know that.” Ben paused, looking at Hux, speaking in a softer tone now. “I understand if this new way of doing things isn’t how you see your future practicing law. I know this isn’t what you signed up for.”

“I don’t even know what _this_ is!”

Ben explained that the Firm would be taking on not-for-profit clients’ and organizations effective immediately and that he and Poe would be handling that piece of the business, and Hux as well if he chose to remain with the Firm which Ben hoped he would. They would also be hiring in-house family and immigration attorneys for induvial clients in need of assistance with everything from citizenship to housing and healthcare coverage.

“So, that’s it,” Ben concluded. He studied Hux’s face, the muscles in his jaws twitching but he was at least somewhat more subdued now, perhaps defeated, but Ben would take it.

“I know that it’s a lot of change at once but you would still be working directly with clients on the business side just…”

“Not for assholes,” Poe piped up.

Hux looked tired.

“I suppose I knew this day would come.”

Ben said nothing. He waited for Hux to say more.

“Eventually all of your Father’s clients would either die off or someone would kill them.”

Poe barked out a laugh.

“I also knew you would grow tired of fighting the same battles over and over again with the same greedy CEO’s and Presidents.” Hux shrugged. “It’s just not in you, that isn’t who you are. You’re not…”

Hux stopped himself before going any further.

“Well, you do things differently.” Hux’s voice was gruff. He ran his hands over his face before looking at Ben again.

“I have too much money and time invested in this place to go elsewhere.”

Poe leaned over, patting Hux’s shoulder. “Aw, don’t go all soft on us now, Arms.”

Hux shrugged him off, turning his attention back to Ben.

“Anyway. You’re not getting rid of me that easy.”

“Damn.”

Both Ben and Hux looked at Poe.

Ben nodded, standing up and extending his hand in Hux’s direction.

“I’m glad you’re staying with us. It would be way too expensive to change the sign in the lobby and all the stationery.”

Their handshake was firm. Poe stood up to place his hands-on top of theirs as if they were in a huddle before a game.

“On the count of 3, Go Team Go. 1, 2…”

“No.” Hux and Ben responded in unison.

Now, a week later, the day arrived where the three of them announced the upcoming changes to the rest of the company. The conference room was full now with everyone in attendance, all of the other attorneys and paralegals taking their seats around the table, those that couldn’t fit where in chairs against the walls.

Ben cleared his throat, walking to the head of the table, Hux and Poe on either side of him. The room quieted down in waves, loud voices fading into titters and eventually silence as they all looked to Ben who was waiting to speak.

“Thanks everyone for taking the time out of what I know are your busy schedules to meet this afternoon. I just want to say first off, that nothing is wrong and the purpose of this meeting is to announce some good news.” 

Ben stood there, looking at all of the faces of the people he called his employees, a handful of them had been there when his Father and Mother had retired. Now they looked to him, expectant, waiting for whatever it was he was about to say because that’s what they had always done with his family. The weight of the moment and all the times before it sat on his chest and shoulders, heavy and burdensome but only for a brief instant before he began speaking again, confident, calm, ready.

“As you all know, the Firm has been doing exceptionally well for many years now. We’ve been in a good position financially for over two decades…”

As Ben spoke, going over the changes to come, both short term and long term, the air in the room eased and lifted, shoulders loosened up, people reached for the food at the center of table.

Ben felt a brief, reassuring pat on his back as his speech came to a close. It was Hux.

“And of course, you are all welcome to remain employees of the Firm, and we hope you will. But if you choose to continue your careers elsewhere, we understand that as well and wish you all the best.”

“But don’t you dare!” Poe called out, hands on either side of his mouth.

The room broke apart in laughter, relieved, jokes tossed about; the atmosphere lighter than Ben had ever seen it before. People were no longer worried or scared, they were excited.

Ben watched as everyone around the table opened up the leather folder in front of them to see the newly monogrammed notepads and pens, no longer **_Solo and Armitage Partners and Associates, LLC_** , but instead **_Midtown Legal Aid Society_**.

“You changed the stationary anyway!” Hux called out as he opened up his folder.

Ben and Poe laughed.

“The business cards too, don’t worry,” Poe reassured him.

It wasn’t a feeling Ben had felt often when it came to the work he did over the years, but he recognized it as soon as it flooded his bones and nerve endings.

He was proud.

~ ~ ~

Ben and Zorrii stayed behind after the meeting, picking up the empty plates, pushing in chairs, filling the trash and recycling bins by the door.

“You know we have cleaning people coming by later,” Zorrii called over her shoulder as Ben emptied the remains of the paper cups into the sink that was against the wall.

He shrugged, dusting his hands off on one another.

“This isn’t part of their job,” he muttered. He brushed stray crumbs from the conference room table into the trash bin he was holding.

“Well it certainly isn’t yours,” she laughed, breaking down the boxes from the bakery.

Ben raised an eyebrow at her. “All of our clients are about to be non-profit. I have a feeling we’ll all be pitching in a lot more around here.”

“That’s fair.”

They cleaned in silence for a bit, the sounds of plastic bags ruffling as the office emptied out early. Poe had promised the entire office a round of drinks after the meeting since it was Friday and he was in the mood to celebrate, like always. Ben told him he would join everyone later, he wanted to help clean up and he had a mountain of work to do to close out the week. Zorrii had volunteered to stay behind to help but after a while Ben told her to go home.

“I got it,” he said, wanting the time and space to himself. It had been a long day and he had a lot to process. It was real now, the changing of everything. It was no longer a concept or an idea in his head, no longer just a secret shared across the pillow with Rey in the middle of the night. His head felt full and empty all at once, cleaning was a mindless task he could focus on without thought, only action, allowing him to balance out his body and thoughts.

Zorrii told him goodbye with a wave, the keys to the office jingling between her fingers.

“Don’t stay too late,” her voice was soft in the hallway outside the conference room.

Ben looked up and smirked. “If I had a dollar for every time you’ve said that to me over the years…”

She rolled her eyes. “We would both be billionaires.”

He laughed. “Maybe one day.”

Zorrii shrugged. They fell into the sort of comfortable silence that happened between two old friends. No words were needed.

“Have a good night, Ben.” Her voice was quiet but steady.

“You too, Z.”

Ben listened for the sound of the elevator, knowing she was gone before standing up straight, pulling a rolling chair to the window. He sat down and looked at the grey sky, the sun long gone, the lights of the City already lit up around and below, waking up and coming out to play early this time of year.

Ben sat there for a long time, letting himself unfurl and unwind from the day, from the week, from time beyond and before, his joints untying themselves, enjoying some much needed rest. He let his head fall back against the back of the high back chair, closing his eyes, the hum of the heater the only noise in the empty office.

The ding of the elevator didn’t disturb him; it was only a soft touch on the shoulder that caused him to blink, looking up to see Rey standing there. She was holding up a picnic basket, wearing the sun hat he had first seen her wearing in the photos on that ridiculous dating app what seemed like years ago now.

“Rey?” He muttered her name, testing out whether he was dreaming or not.

“Yes, it’s really me.” She bent down to kiss the top of his head, his hair in waves against her lips. They were glossed over with a soft peach shine, copper eyeshadow and brown mascara, her hair in loose waves.

“You look like summer,” Ben said, standing and turning to greet her. He wrapped her up in his arms, his cheek resting on the top of her sun hat. He stepped back to peek under the brim. Rey was smiling, her features bright and airy.

“I know it’s winter, but I wanted to surprise you with a summer picnic. And to celebrate today.”

Ben watched as Rey placed the picnic basket on the floor near the window many stories up, opening the top to pull out and unwrap a blue and white checkered picnic blanket for the two of them to sit on.

“Rey…” His voice stopped, thoughts hazy, words forgotten as he watched her kneel on the blanket in a white sundress she had hidden beneath her cream wool coat, now tossed on the back of a nearby chair. She pulled out containers of pineapple, strawberries, kiwi, grapes and mango. She had two sandwiches from his favorite deli, two bottles of his favorite Italian sparkling water and a bottle of white wine that was cold to the touch. There were real plates and cloth napkins too.

“Glasses?” He asked, moving toward the door. Ben kept all types of spare drinking glasses in his office but Rey shook her head.

“Got ‘em.” She pulled two wine glasses from the basket. They were new, he didn’t recognize them from his apartment or hers.

Ben got on his knees on the blanket, looking at everything laid out before them, hands on his thighs. Rey got up to pull over a floor lamp from another corner of the conference room, turning off all the overhead office lights, plugging in the lamp near the blanket so the glow around them was yellow, much warmer.

She sat back down beside Ben, motioning toward the spread she had placed before them.

“Dig in!” Rey’s voice was excited; pleased she had been able to pull this off with the help of Zorrii who had given her a spare set of keys and the code to get up into the office after hours.

Ben looked at the food, the wine, the soft blanket they were sitting on and then he looked at Rey, sitting beside him, one hand in her lap, the other reaching for and starting to pull open the container of strawberries.

Ben leaned over, his hand cupped around the back of Rey’s neck, pulling her towards him. She smelled like coconuts and salt water.

“I put a little sunscreen on my wrists and my neck,” Rey read his mind. “It helps me pretend summer is coming soon. I put some on Ollie too. That’s what growing up in England does to you.”

Ben laughed, his sharp, jagged teeth digging into his bottom lip. He brought his other hand up to touch the top of Rey’s bare shoulder. Her skin was creamy, smooth, a handful of freckles scattered around the bone.

“You were wearing this dress in the first picture I ever saw of you.” 

Rey raised an eyebrow. “You remember that?”

Ben nodded. “Yes. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw you swiped right. I almost didn’t believe you were real. I showed Poe your photo the next day for confirmation.” 

Rey laughed behind her hand. “God, how ridiculous. I can’t believe I did that. But….” 

Rey nodded, Ben not needing to finish his sentence. “Yes. Here we are.” 

Ben moved closer to Rey, the smell of her sunscreen and the creamy, low light from the lamp almost made it feel as if they really were outside, in the park, or on a beach somewhere no one could find them with all the time in the world to savor and enjoy one another.

“Thank you,” he whispered against her jaw, his hand on her opposite shoulder, black eyelashes on her cheeks, her ear as he began to leave a trail of kisses all over her face and neck.

Rey stretched her legs out in front of her, closing her eyes, enjoying his touch, gentle, and soft, slow.

“You’re very welcome,” Her voice had a song like quality to it, her face tilted up to the lamp, their own personal sun.

Ben touched her thigh through the thin, white sun dress, bringing her leg to lie on top of his. She had been wearing white platform sandals but she had removed them when he wasn’t looking, her small feet, nails painted light blue, stretched out on the blanket. He looked at them and smiled.

“You wore sandals in November for me?”

Rey laughed, her eyes open at last. “You should have seen some of the strange looks I got from people on the train.”

Ben opened his mouth to suggest she get a car any time she wanted, she was on the company account after all, but Rey had begun eagerly eating, pouring Ben a glass of wine in-between bites.

They raised their glasses in celebration, the city dark outside, the room warm inside.

“Here’s to a new age for the _Midtown Legal Society_ ,” Rey said proudly, holding her glass to Ben’s. She had poured over one draft after another at his kitchen table up until all hours, looking at the new name and logo, Ben torturing himself with the choices until Rey made a decision for him.

“How do you feel?” Rey asked, running the back of her foot along the side of Ben’s pants leg.

Ben swallowed his wine, smiling around the edge of the glass, the buzz hitting him almost instantly; the buzz of everything making his head spin.

He looked at Rey, his eyes full of old and new light. “I made one of the best decisions of my life today.” His voice was soft but sure.

Rey reached out, brushing a stray piece of long, black hair from his eye, his cheek.

“Me too,” her voice just as soft, just as sure. She was looking at Ben, her face calm in a way he had never seen before, not like this.

Ben pulled back to look at her. “What do you mean?”

Rey shrugged, easing her body back on her elbows now, balancing her glass of wine on her stomach. Ben placed his hand beside it, waiting, sitting on his side next to her.

“I know you’re going to be my husband soon. I don’t know when or how, but it’ll happen. I know I’ll sell my apartment and Ollie and I will move into your place…for how long, I don’t know but it’ll happen. Then we will look for a new place, maybe a place upstate to escape to on weekends and holidays…” Her voice grew smaller, but no less assertive. She was looking out at the City now, the lamp glowing on their intertwined legs.

“Maybe we’ll find a little place on an island somewhere. Somewhere we can do this every day,” she drank more of her wine. Ben watched every movement, holding his breath.

“I’ve always wanted that, you know. I’ve wanted an ocean all to myself. Me and Ollie. A little piece of the world that belonged only to us.”

Ben nodded, rubbing the skin on her arm. “I know.”

“And now you, and Tristian.” She looked at Ben now. “The four of us.”

Ben swallowed. He didn’t know what to say other than, “Yes.”

He had sat there, listening as Rey predicted, told him what their future would be, battling demons big and small side by side; lying in the sun in the afterglow, two bodies as one, four bodies under one roof, one sky. Time meaning nothing right now, neither counting the days, the hours, the months since they had entered one another’s universes. Time before one another disappeared, and now time stretched out before them, no need to cross off days on the calendar, no schedules, no timeline needed.

“Did you just… _propose_ to me?” Ben asked, his head tilted, a sly smile on his face.

Rey didn’t blink. “Of course I did.”

Ben laughed, grabbing Rey around the waist, not caring that her wine spilled over onto the carpet. He picked her up, wrapping her legs around his waist.

“No ring?” 

Rey put her hands on his shoulders, her head tilted now.

“You’ll have to find it. It’s here somewhere.”

They were both laughing now, kissing, Ben twirling Rey around the room, falling over onto their hands and knees as Ben searched for the hidden ring, wine and love drunk, scattering fruit and wine, a god and goddess landing on their home planet, playing on one of their many moons, breathing constellations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter to go--thank you to anyone reading. x


	13. Only Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end and the beginning.

Ben found the ring, it didn’t take him long. It was a simple thing, made of solid gold, with a tiny silver band wrapped around its middle. It was hidden in a cloth napkin inside the picnic basket, at the bottom, past the wine and water, the forks and knives. Ben was on his knees on the blanket, digging through the basket, eager, curious, childlike. 

“Don’t destroy all of the food!” Rey’s voice was cut short by her laughter, watching Ben, head down, body contorted to look inside every inch of the basket. He was all shoulders and elbows like this. She stared at the back of his head; his bare feet on the blanket, shoes and socks cast aside, his work pants rolled up just a bit at the ankle. He looked like an urban Huckleberry Finn. Rey guessed that made her his sidekick, Tom Sawyer.

Ben grabbed the napkin, holding it in his hand for a moment before removing it from the basket, before turning to Rey, holding it out to her, as if to say, _I found it. Is this really for me?_

Rey nodded, watching him gently unfold the white cloth, outlined in lace, he was holding in his palm. His fingers were large but careful on the delicate fabric as he peeled back the layers to reveal the ring in the middle. He stared at it for a while, recognizing that it was gifted only to him, something symbolic beyond the obvious.

Ben’s body eased itself down into a sitting position just to admire the ring, the object Rey had picked out for him. She let him, remaining silent, her legs curled up under her, watching his face.

“How long have you had this?” His voice was a whisper, not looking at Rey yet.

She shrugged, touching his knee with her toes across the small space between them.

“A while. But not too long. But…a while.” Rey wasn’t trying to be or seem hard to get, she wasn’t playing with her cards close to her chest by being vague. There was an unspoken acknowledgement between the two of them that it simply did not matter if the ring had been purchased yesterday or the day they met.

Ben turned the napkin in his hand, picking up the ring between his thumb and pointer finger. He looked at Rey now.

“I love it.”

Rey tilted her head, smiling, pleased.

“And I love you.” ` His voice was even softer now. Rey found herself pretending that she was reading his lips, happy to discover a new way of communicating with one another.

It was Rey who moved first toward him, Ben still holding the ring in-between his thumb and finger as she made her way, crawling across the blanket to reach him on her hands and knees.

“I’m glad you like it,” her voice was low, close to his face now, her hands on Ben’s knees, his thighs as she looked down at the ring, tugging her bottom lip up into her mouth.

“I do. I really do.” Ben reached for the side of her face, to cup it with his free hand.

Rey pulled away, drawing herself up onto one knee now, taking the ring from Ben. It looked twice its size in her hands than it had in his.

“Stand up, please.”

Ben laughed, pausing once he realized she was in fact serious. “Wait, what?”

Rey nodded. “Stand. Rise.”

Ben obeyed, slowly standing on unsure feet, Rey remaining on her knee beneath him.

She was looking up at him; ring in hand while Ben stood towering above her, suddenly unsure what to do with every inch of his large body.

“Benjamin Solo.”

Ben’s lips parted, ready to answer, but Rey kept going.

“I want to marry you. Maybe I have since I first laid eyes on you in that photo Trin took of you on the train. Or maybe it was the picture of you coaching Trin’s little league team…and you were clearly _so_ tall and handsome…”

“Oh my _god_ ,” Ben muttered, remembering his dating profile and the two pictures he had uploaded. He wished he could smack his forehead with his hand but he didn’t dare move.

“Or maybe it was those damn lychee martinis from the first night. And that you danced on the bloody sidewalk even though I could tell every bone in your body was resisting.”

Ben was smiling now, just around the edges of his mouth.

“I know that you danced for me.”

Rey’s face, her tone was serious, not somber, but focused. She wanted Ben to listen, to pay attention. Ben felt himself fall under the pull of her gaze, her words, while the rest of the office, the outside world began to warp and blur outside of where he stood. His usual antsy energy, his eagerness to move, to touch, to be as close to Rey as possible was subdued and restrained in the face of her admissions and requests.

“I know I’m asking a lot. I just want you to be prepared for _a lot_ more dances and martinis and over the top Halloween decorations in the years to come. If that sounds like something you want,” Rey took a deep breath, taking her time now, both of their mouths fighting off the edges, the outline of a smile.

“Then…would you do me the honor of becoming my husband?”

At the word, at the sound of _that_ particular word, Ben felt his body being laid bare, secret desires buried in his bones falling away, rescued by her inquiry. He had been holding in so much for so long, mysteries causing his muscles to wear thin from memorized motion, routine turned ritual with Rey. Sacred meals and quiet, simple moments walking down the street together, holding hands, laughter lost to the wind, buying groceries, juggling baby sitters’ schedules, late nights in bed together reading or making love, making a mess all over one another’s beds, sweat and saliva, come on sheets and pillows that smelled like one another’s shampoo.

All of these memories and moments flooded the front of Ben’s brain at the sight of Rey actually down on one knee, asking him to marry her as if he had any choice, as if he ever had a say in the direction his heart carried him. He didn’t care that he wasn’t the one to ask, the one to turn to her in bed or on the train one day and say _will you be my wife?_ He knew he would spend several lifetimes repeating this title she wanted, the name she had chosen, not a trophy, but royal and elevated none the less.

 _Rey Solo._ _Wife._ _Husband and wife._

Ben was nodding, Rey holding the ring out to him before standing up to slide the band down and onto his finger.

“Yes, yes, yes, oh my _god_ Rey. Of course yes, fuck yes, always yes,” Ben answered, laughing full on now, the crinkles around his eyes and the sides of his mouth fully activated. He was holding Rey’s face in his hands at last. She was laughing too, fingers on top of his.

Ben kissed her, bringing her face up to his, Rey on tip toe, barefoot, her sun hat hitting the floor behind her with a soft thump. She let it go without a fight. Ben lifted Rey just a few inches off the ground, holding her, letting her know that she was his in the ways she wanted, the kind of mutual possession that neither had ever truly believe existed.

Ben pulled away now, pulling Rey’s hand up to his face, letting her palm rest against his cheek.

“But what about you? You need a ring; I don’t have a ring on me. I’ve certainly thought about it and even gone to look at them more than once…” Ben was rambling, eyes searching Rey’s face for clarification, for relief. She gave it to him by grabbing his face in return, kissing him on his lips, his cheeks, his nose, all over, over and over again.

“It doesn’t matter. It never did.” There were many meanings behind every word Rey had said, many reassurances and gentle touches.

Ben nodded. “Okay. But please know that I have ideas, I have plans…”

Rey laughed, moving one hand up to touch the side of Ben’s hair, split and soft at the ends.

“You always have a plan. You wouldn’t be Ben Solo without a plan.”

Ben kissed her again; their bodies pressed together, Rey still weightless in his arms.

The office beyond them came back into focus, Ben holding Rey but looking past her for a moment, brief mirages of the years he spent here as a child settling down in front of him.

Ben saw himself on the floor of this very room, on what used to be the carpet in the hall right outside, playing alone, waiting for people behind closed doors to open them, to scoop him up and take him home. He could still see the outline of his tiny body on the other side of the wall, propped up with teddy bears and super heroes on all sides, chubby wrists and hands, legs kicking out each time one of his parents walked past and picked him up, for a moment happy, comforted by the familial, by the familiar.

Most of the time it was Luke who showed up to rescue Ben, the familiar ding of the elevator right on time, coming into the lobby, already looking making eye contact with Ben, quickly making his way over to where Ben would be sat playing or napping, sometimes under a secretary’s desk. Luke always came armed, usually with a treat, some new toy Han had asked him to pick up. Han would pay him back later of course, as a thank you, an endless series of thank you and I owe yous exchanged between the two men over the years.

Ben could see; could hear echoes of the bouncing balls against the walls outside of his Father’s office, going non-stop until his Father’s voice bled through the wall demanding that he stop, or until his Father’s paralegal, Rosemary, distracted him with first games that became books over time.

Once he was old enough to take the subway on his own, Ben hardly came into the office at all until his senior year of high school when his Father insisted that he begin interning after school three days a week, and one Saturday a month because of course his parents worked most weekends. College was almost a relief as his time could at least be his own within the walls of a University. He had only been expected to show up for dinner with his parents once a week.

But now Ben could only see Rey before him, the outer ghosts shuffling back and forth beyond the door and across the floors looking his way one last time, over shoulders, kneeling down, calling out; searching for him around corners only to disappear into the ether once they realized Ben was no longer there waiting.

The ghosts were, as ever; surprised to realize that he was no longer a lost boy. Instead they came upon a man, happily washed up on the shores of an island inhabited by a woman armed with a big spirit, a creature of unknown origins with rusted, but sharp daggers at her side, protecting her land and sea, standing by his side.

“Ben?” Rey was touching the sides of Ben’s face now, bringing him back down, making him Earth bound once again.

“I’m here,” he whispered, rubbing the top of her spine, the bottom vertebrae of her smooth neck.

Ben smiled at Rey, securing his hold on her, one hand under each thigh as he ran through the office, up and down the endless hallways, screaming at the top of their lungs when and where no one could hear them, miles above the City, alive. They followed no souls, haunted no one, lingering only as long as the other was there. Not flying above the sky, but safe here, tumbling over desks and chairs and one another, landing in the middle of Ben’s office out of breath, a pile of arms and legs and happy sighs, childlike joy pulsing through their bodies.

They lay on their backs, holding hands across Ben’s chest, eyes blinking upwards, their lungs full, eyes wide as if the painted ceiling held stars and sky.

Ben turned to look at Rey. “Let’s stay here tonight. I’ll order take out and we can watch TV on Hux’s big ass monitor he thinks no one knows he watches Netflix on.”

Rey turned to her side and nodded; one hand under the side of her face. She curled one leg around Ben’s.

“And you do have a really, really nice couch over there.” Rey was clearly recalling the times she had visited him after work, taking advantage of Ben’s couch and empty office.

Ben laughed, big and bold, pulling Rey into his arms, not ready to leave their momentary playground just yet. He wanted to stay in the place where she had asked him to become her husband, the place where Ben at last put a lonely, weary child to bed, showing the little patient one in the hallway that at last he could rest, that the boy could have everything he wanted after all.

~ ~ ~

Ben sat at Rey’s kitchen table, boxes around at their feet, left open, needing tape, packed with glasses and dishes wrapped in newspaper, tracing hand turkeys with Tristian and Ollie the day before Thanksgiving. Just one of Ben’s hands was nearly too big for a single piece of construction paper.

Ollie had her tongue stuck out the side of her mouth as she carefully traced around her small hand, leaving a crooked orange line around and in-between each finger.

Rey was making yet another packing list, tapping her bare foot against the kitchen floor, tapping the cap of the pen she was holding on the front of her teeth, making a faint clicking sound. She had already found a buyer for her apartment after only two weeks on the market. She and Ollie had to be out by the end of the year. Ben’s office would now be Ollie’s bedroom until they found something elsewhere. He recycled and tossed things from his desk and bookshelves with relish as he prepared for their arrival.

“Are you sure you have everything you need for tomorrow?” Rey asked Ben for the third time that evening.

This would be her first Thanksgiving ever, Rey had realized the week before and now Ben was determined to make it memorable.

He nodded, not taking his eyes off the line he was drawing around his thumb on a pink sheet of paper.

“Yep. I made one last trip to the store this afternoon. We have enough wine to last us at least until the end of next century.”

Rey laughed. “With you and Finn drinking together? Doubtful.” She walked over to brush a few longer hairs from his cheek, kissing him there, once, twice, three times with a loud smack.

“And what am I in charge of again?” Rey asked just to hear him say it. She smiled against the side of his face, feeling him do the same.

“Being cute, selecting the music and opening wine bottles,” he murmured, turning to kiss her full on, summoning _yuck_ and _ew_ from Tristian and Ollie respectively.

The day would be a small affair, just the four of them along with Poe and Finn. It was the first year that Ben would not invite his Uncle over for dinner. The texts had slowed and then stopped eventually once Luke had realized no answer from Ben was forth coming. Han never texted and he never called. That wasn’t his style, actual communication. Leia had called twice in the last few weeks. Ben had let it go to voicemail and deleted the messages as soon as they were left.

Now he watched as Rey busied herself in her temporary dwellings, mentally calculating what could be packed now and what had to wait until after the holidays. Ben had been helping her to create stacks of donations vs. things to bring along to his apartment. There was a simple joy in knowing what they could combine and what she no longer needed, the things, new and old, ready to share that he had waiting for her, for them.

He and Tristian spent the evening at Rey’s, Ben in bed reading hours later, his hair shower wet and pulled back in a tight ponytail as Rey tidied up the bathroom after everyone’s baths and nightly rituals. Ben’s body sank into her mattress, the foam having memorized the shape of his body on this side long ago.

Rey joined him at last, crawling on top of the blanket starting at the bottom of the bed, moving to lay her head on his thigh, the rest of the body sprawled out below his on the mattress, her feet hanging off the edge.

Ben moved his book to his opposite hand, dropping his left hand to the top of Rey’s head to card through the thick hair there, reading but looking over at Rey every now and then as she breathed against his legs.

“I love you, just thought you should know that little bit of interesting information…” Her voice was a murmur. She was half-asleep already.

Ben hummed somewhere low in his chest, still playing with her hair. “I do know. It’s a good thing you do since I love you too…” his words were soft, nearly silent by the end of his sentence as Rey’s breathing steadied, her body heavy now against his, in a deep sleep.

Ben smiled, closing his book, placing it on the night stand. He grabbed his phone to check any last minute work emails that might have come in before setting his alarm to begin cooking at dawn tomorrow. He expected things to be quiet, it being the night before a holiday.

Nothing of note came up as he scrolled with his thumb but then there was an email from his Father, his email instantly jumping out at Ben from the dimmed screen. Its subject was in Yiddish; _mir benken zikh nakh dir._

Ben looked up from his phone, quickly sorting sounds and letters together in his head, clearly rusty at a language he had not read or spoken in years except at holidays whenever he remembered or had to but soon enough the meaning came to him… _we miss you._

Ben opened the email with his thumb, scanning the words quickly. His Father was a man of brevity when it came to digital communication thankfully, preferring instead to hold court in-person, ideally in a room full of jesters and lords, all who could laugh on cue at his tall tales and wise antidotes.

It was brief as usual, but Ben read it a dozen times, wishing Rey was awake so he could talk to her about it. He looked at her sleeping figure, not dating to disturb her, turning back to his Father’s words.

_Ben,_

_Son, your Mother and I, and Luke, we would like to see you, and certainly we would like to see Tristian. Maybe the first day of Hanukah? We have gifts already. Your Mother is watching me as I type this out, making sure I don’t say anything stupid, she said. We don’t have to talk about what happened. Luke told us everything, no need to rehash the past. Unless you want to, but it is the holidays after all. But we’ll let you decide what you want. We’re thinking of you and Trin._

_–Dad. Han._

Ben looked up from his phone, clicking the side button until it went dark. He placed it back on the nightstand quietly.

The entire apartment was still, both kids and Rey asleep, the only sound the floor fan at the foot of the bed to keep him company, to keep his thoughts in a steady line.

Ben was used to being alone with his thoughts, he even enjoyed the time and space to think most of the time. He had spent countless hours of his life on the train underground, thinking to the sounds of music, to the sound of his fellow passengers, to the turning of pages. He was comfortable with himself in the quiet moments.

As a young boy and a younger man, Ben used to lie in the grass in the Park, one foot usually covered in a black Converse sneaker over his opposite knee, legs usually covered in jeans with holes in the knee worn thin from time and wear, skipping school, just to stare at the sky and be out amongst adults, sitting beside their energy, absorbing the good and the bad parts of his fellow humans in a way he couldn’t in a classroom.

Ben could find the center, the balance, in the middle of chaos and in the dreadful silence of 3 a.m. when the whole world was asleep, scared, and desperate to escape the hours when no one needed or wanted them.

But now he wished he could wake Rey without guilt, but he knew she needed sleep. Between Ollie, work and moving, she was bone tired most of the time. But he wanted her thoughts, craved her wisdom, the soft and rough ways she had of saying things, of understanding what it was like to be let down by those who were supposed to be there for you no matter what. He wanted to be told, to be reminded that he was not alone.

Ben considered climbing into Tristian’s bed just to ease his mind with the sound of his son’s breathing and body warmth, or better yet, he had the silly, fleeting wish that Tristian was already a man, and somehow Ben could ask him what he should do, Father to Son, a candid conversation, the type you can only have when your child no longer counts on you for every single one of their basic needs.

Ben wished he could stand there with Tristian, admitting his weaknesses, his pain to his child, the indecision made easier by knowing that he had in fact created and crafted his own family away from the one he was born into without meaning to.

But they were his son’s grandparents and that would not be fair to him, to put him in that position. It wasn’t fair as it was, keeping Tristian away from them because of his Father’s past.

Ben reached over to gently move Rey’s head and upper body from his leg to her own pillow beside him, tugging the covers up to her chest. She smiled, stirred a bit, and fell back into an effortless sleep, her hand resting in the space between them. He watched her sleep for a bit, before sliding down beneath the warm covers, reaching up to turn off the lamp beside him, putting out the light for the comfort and safety of darkness.

~ ~ ~

Thanksgiving came and went with much wine consumed, much turkey eaten, and many naps taken. Ben had instituted a no football rule in his house for years, but finally relented and let Poe watch the game this year. It was that or have him hanging over Ben’s shoulder in the kitchen while he cooked, entertaining Finn and only Finn with his corny jokes and inability to do anything other than mash the potatoes with all of his might.

Eventually Rey had intervened and sent them both to the living room with glasses of wine and snacks, Tristian and Ollie in tow, soon after playing a loud game of Trouble over the sounds of the TV.

Ben and Rey made plans to spend Christmas and New Year’s upstate in a cabin large enough for the four of them. They had both taken a week and a half off of work and both were counting down the days until they packed up the car to escape the City, to breathe clean air and hear nothing but quiet, surrounded by snow and days where time was their own.

Tristian’s and Ollie’s excitement at the countdown of being free from school and obligations was contagious and both Ben and Rey found themselves in the good, festive moods, Ben even donning a Santa hat and beard on a Friday afternoon at work as he passed out gifts to everyone at their desks and holiday bonuses two weeks early.

“You look absolutely ridiculous,” Hux had said, but he was clearly surprised and amused as he accepted his gift from Ben, a brand new set of golf clubs for the spring and summer, a red ribbon attached to the top of one of the clubs. It was an extremely generous gift and Hux had found himself a bit flummoxed at such a gesture, at the realization that Ben knew what and how he enjoyed spending his free time. Ben had simply smiled beneath his white beard, patted Hux on the shoulder and moved onto the next office, the next cubicle, bearing gifts.

It was over dinner one night with just the two of them that Ben had told Rey about the email from his Father. They were at a restaurant near Ben’s apartment that they frequented and had just ordered a bottle of wine, the bread had just been placed on the table, the table and chairs starting to feel comfortable, both settling in for the next hour or two while Ben read the email from his Father to Rey from his phone. He looked up at her after he was finished.

“So, what do you think?” He knew he would do whatever she suggested, so easily he had handed over to her the keys to his life and all of its intricacies, the ability to make decisions still his own but they were partners, cohorts for life, bound together now in a way that did not allow for one to step too far ahead or fall too far behind without the other knowing, without the other picking up the slack gladly, carrying on, carrying the other half of the whole.

Rey took her time in responding, dipping her bread into the olive oil on a fancy dish on the table, chewing while she looked at Ben.

“It’s one night,” she said at last, Ben realizing he had been holding his breath.

He nodded. “Right.” He drank half of his glass of wine in one gulp. Rey smiled.

“Would it make it any easier if Ollie and I came?”

Ben paused, his glass raised halfway to his mouth after another generous pour. He looked at Rey, measuring her words carefully, not that he didn’t believe her, but taking in what it meant for her to offer such a thing.

“You mean you and Ollie meeting my family?”

Rey looked away for a moment, picking at the edges of her bread with two fingers. When she looked at Ben again, her face was soft, but resolute.

“One family meeting another, yes. Makes sense to me. Besides, it has to happen eventually.”

Ben stared at her, hearing the words but taking his time in processing them.

“Do they know about…” Rey gestured between the two of them. “Us? This?”

Ben smiled, reaching across the table to hold Rey’s hand, enveloping it with ease. He rubbed his thumb across her knuckles.

“Yes. Luke knows and he of course told my parents. That’s been our relationship my whole life. Luke as buffer and master communicator. Though I’m not sure they know…” Ben held up his hand, showing his ring against the candlelight, the gold and silver clean and smooth against his skin.

Rey admired the sight, tilting her head to the side. Her own ring finger was still bare which she didn’t mind at all but it clearly distracted and bothered Ben each time he noticed it which was often. The choice overwhelmed him every time he went ring shopping which was also often. It had to be just right, it had to be perfect, that much he knew. Rey rolled her eyes and told him this was an issue he had entirely created himself. But that was Ben Solo for you.

In the meantime, he had tied an origami ring in the shape of a penguin and placed it on her finger one night in bed while she had been reading. Rey had left it on her finger for two days. She kept it on her desk at work now, smiling each time she looked at the red and blue penguin, made from wrapping paper, sitting beside her laptop. The thought of Ben sitting at his desk at work or at his kitchen island, working the delicate paper into a shape for her small fingers with his oversized hands made her glow from the inside out.

“Well, it’s up to you of course, but… know the offer is there should you need it. Sometimes support, a buffer, as you called it, can be extremely helpful.”

Ben was still holding Rey’s hand, bringing her knuckles to his lips now, looking at her over the top of her fingers. He spoke against her skin, soft lips running across bone.

“What if we tell them we’re getting married when you meet them?”

Rey made a noise with her tongue at the back of her teeth. “ _When_? So, this _is_ happening then.”

Ben didn’t respond for a while but eventually said, “Yes, I suppose it is.”

“How do you feel about that?”

Instead of being annoyed as he would have been with anyone else, Ben loved it when Rey was like this, when she went into caring Doctor mode, checking on him, doing a quick follow up after a big decision was made. Rey wanted to see how he was doing. It wasn’t intrusive, it was love. Ben saw that now.

He sat back in his chair, thinking, one hand cupping his chin.

“I think it’s inevitable, like you said. Short of moving to Portugal or Mars or something, which I’m not opposed to doing by any means.” He looked at Rey who was smiling.

“But also…the first night of Hanukah? Are you sure you want to…I don’t know, do that? To be a part of that?”

Rey looked confused by his question. “What do you mean? Because I’m not Jewish?”

Ben nodded. “Well, yeah. I don’t want you to do anything that you’re not 100% comfortable with.”

Rey shook her head. “It’s completely fine. I want to. It’ll be good for Ollie, and for me, since it’s a part of who you are.”

Ben laughed, covering his face with both hands. “I’m quite possibly the worst Jewish person on the face of the Earth. Other than my Mother.”

They were both laughing now, the choice made, the decision out of the way and the instant relief that came with it. Now all Ben had to do was tell his Father yes and that the meeting would be on his terms, with his own set of boundaries. Easier said than done but he had faced harder things in his life to be sure.

Rey allowed Ben to take control that evening once they were home, sensing the lingering, needy vibrations under his skin on the train. He was ready, impatient to be alone with her after dinner. He wanted to regain some type of governance over the moment, having agreed to see his family again, Rey knew he needed something to claim, something that was just his. She was happy to give it to him.

Ben pushed her against the wall of the foyer before the front door had closed completely, running both of his hands under her sweater, pulling at the fabric from underneath. He spread his fingers wide across her rib cage, sliding her bra up and over her head before reaching down to pull off her jeans and underwear, skipping the buttons and zipper all together. Her clothes fell apart in his hands like wet paper.

“Jesus, look at you.” Ben’s voice was hollow, pupils blown out until his eyes were nearly solid black. He was a man possessed.

Rey stood completely naked beside the foyer lamp on the table, casting her body in an orange light. She didn’t try to hide herself or look away. She wanted to be desired, hungered for this way. She knew by the way Ben was standing there, by the look on his face, there would be no preamble. She did not want one.

Rey watched, braced for impact as Ben slammed his body against hers, still fully clothed, hard through his dark jeans. He had been hard all the way back to his apartment.

_Their apartment._

Rey reached down to touch him through his jeans but Ben shook his head, grunting, pushing her arm away with his hip. She tried again and this time she didn’t wait to be told no, instead unbuttoning, unzipping him and getting down on her knees before him, ignoring the hard wood floor, taking him in her mouth as far as she could, no teasing, no making him wait. She swallowed him whole.

The sound from Ben’s mouth was animalistic in nature, somewhere between a moan and a roar. He bashed the side of his fist against the wall behind her, Rey feeling the very foundation of the foyer shake. He was letting loose of some dark thing, not taking out his aggressions but instead letting them join in, inviting them to come out and play. Ben stood ready to receive whatever good thing flowed through him from Rey.

Rey looked up, unblinking, watching his chest heave, shirt now on the floor beside her hip. He had left his jeans on, not wanting to stop her, desperate not to break the pressure of her mouth. His jeans hung there, sloppy and undone on his hips, Rey’s lips wrapped around the head, then the middle and finally the base of him once again.

 _“Rey, Rey, Rey,”_ Her name was a mantra, the roof of his mouth and beneath his tongue had run dry from hanging open, in awe of her, taking in all the air around him.

Rey closed her eyes when she felt his hands move to the top of her head, moving her hair around in a messy swirl, trying to gain traction, picturing his ring there among the curls. The thought alone made her even wetter, the insides of her thighs soaked from giving him this much pleasure so swiftly, with such force. She could feel his knees shaking in front of her. She put her hands on them to steady him, keeping him in her mouth the entire time.

“You’re going to kill me,” he mumbled, his words uneven and messy. 

Rey made a noise in the back of her throat that sent Ben balancing on the tips of his toes, his hands bracing the wall behind her, knuckles white, stomach pressed to Rey’s forehead. She encouraged him to thrust in and out of her mouth, trembling as he did so. She made him weak, his heart, his body delicate beneath her touch.

“I’m going to come this way….” Ben was panting, the tips of his hair wet, looking down at Rey.

Rey pulled her mouth off of him, leaving his entire cock wet, her lips full and red.

“Do you want me on my hands and knees?” She breathed, looking up at him.

Rey didn’t wait for him to respond, instead sliding away from the wall, turning around so her back was to him, raising herself onto her hands and knees in the space between the foyer and the living room, the groan from Ben behind her letting Rey know this is exactly what he needed, what he wanted.

It wasn’t using her for some selfish, self-entitled reasons; if anything this was Rey wanting to give him this particular part of herself, greedily sharing what she had never given anyone else, what she had realized was hers to keep but this piece she wanted to offer to Ben.

There was strength in giving.

Ben’s hand found its way onto her back, resting in the sharp curve of her spine, his other hand on her hip.

“Are your knees okay?” He managed, Rey nodding, before feeling him slide inside of her with such ease she barely felt it. She had never been this wet, the noises between their bodies obscene in the empty, half-lit apartment.

Rey grasped at nothing, gaining no traction on the bare floor as Ben slid into her again and again; both hands on her hips now to steady the both of them. The front of his thighs pushed up against the back of her thighs, her ass, his need relentless. Rey pushed her body back to meet his, nearly sending him careening away from her, pulling in air between his teeth as he watched himself disappear into her over and over.

“Deeper,” she murmured over her shoulder, wondering if there was anywhere else for him to go but needing to see how far she could take him.

Ben grabbed her hips, re-centering her in front of him, pulling all the way out, leaving only the tip inside which caused Rey to shift the weight of her knees and hum, impatient for the feel of him to return.

“My god,” he whispered, taking the time to look at himself teetering on the edge of Rey, his cock wet from her. She was poised, ready to take more of him, all of him, her body urging him to fill her again and he does, in one motion, causing her to buck forward, a satisfied yelp, a release for both of them.

Ben moved in and out of her without pause, Rey wanting more, her words encouraging.

“Ben…I need to…” But Ben cut her off, reaching around, barely touching her clit before Rey came once, twice, her entire body shaking down to its very core. Ben followed soon after, landing on top of Rey’s back, both splayed out on the cool hardwood floor, desperate to catch their breath.

The words they had both said during lingered after, filling the room with pure lust and animal hunger. Ben telling Rey how good this was, how good she was, how this was all he ever wanted, and Rey telling Ben harder, faster, more, to fill up every inch of her, left the space around them charged as they fell back into their bodies.

Ben reached over, holding Rey’s hand, pulling their clasped hands over to rest on his stomach which was wet with sweat. He turned his head on the floor to look at her, eyelids heavy, mouth lazy and happy.

“You’re going to be my wife…” His voice was soft, his words strong.

Rey nodded, looking at him now. “And you’re going to be my husband.” A pause as her breathing finally slowed. “Maybe then you’ll realize how much I adore you.”

Ben turned to look at the ceiling, blinking, moving their hands up to his chest. There was something about that word, not love, not care for, but adored. There was reverence there. Rey cherished him. He was special to her. Ben realized lying there he wasn’t sure if anyone had ever felt that way about him before or at the very least, voiced it to him in such an upfront way, needing him to hear it.

Ben sat up, still holding onto Rey’s hand, looking back at her.

“Come on. Let me take care of you.”

He reached down, picking Rey up off the floor with one arm, and then cradling her in both as he walked to the bathroom. He ran a shower for the both of them, standing behind Rey under the spray as he kneaded his fingers and knuckles over her back and shoulders alongside the hot water. Her moans were appreciative, her head rolling back onto Ben’s chest.

Ben washed her hair, helped to towel her off and continued his massage once they were in bed, Rey lying on her stomach on the cool sheets.

“My body feels like jelly…” she murmured, face mushed against the mattress, drifting off under Ben’s touch.

He smiled, his hands rubbing her shoulder blades in slow, smooth circles. He left the space between them empty, filled with easy silence as Rey’s breathing slowed and steadied.

Ben understood in that moment, perhaps he had always known, that he kept the world at bay for Rey and in return she brought the world into clearer focus for him.

He inched his body down onto and across the bed, until he was lying beside Rey, falling asleep alongside the whir of the fan, a single bedside lamp warming their bodies in the early evening of mid-winter.

~ ~ ~

“We’re going to my Grandparents house!” Tristian announced, holding Rey’s hand as they walked home from the Park, everyone soaking wet, red cheeks and puffy lips from playing in the snow for hours. The kids had made snow angels, Ben joining in of course, much to Trin and Ollie’s delight once they found thicker snow, Ben leaving large wings, a massive halo behind in his wake.

Rey nodded, pausing at the corner, waiting for the lights to change. Ben was carrying Ollie a few steps behind them, their wet hair matted to their face, everyone happily tired.

“That’s right, we are. I’ll be meeting your Grandpa and Grandmother for the first time.” Rey squeezed Trin’s hand once, twice through their gloves. “Do you think they’ll like me?”

Trin looked up at her, face partially obscured by his hat and scarf. “Yes,” he said simply. “You make my Dad happy.”

Those five words lifted Rey off the street and placed her, body and mind, somewhere in the sky.

She looked over her shoulder at Ben, ruddy cheeks and red nose looking like a kid himself, holding Ollie against his hip with his gloved hands. He wasn’t looking at Rey. Instead his gaze was focused down at her daughter, watching her sleep against his shoulder. When he did look up, it was towards the tops of nearby buildings. Ben trusted her to lead them across familiar busy streets while he daydreamed, head in the clouds.

Once they were back at the apartment, Rey and Ben ushered everyone into baths and showers, their clothes for the evening laid out on their beds.

Ben watched Rey in the mirror, carefully fastening her pearl earrings.

“You look beautiful,” he spoke from his place on the bed. He sat watching her the entire time she got ready, eventually helping to zip her black dress all the way up the back.

“Are you sure this is alright for this evening?” Rey asked, brows furrowed, turning this way and that in the full-length mirror.

Ben stood behind her, pulling her against him, hands on her stomach. His lips were in her hair.

“Yes. You look amazing, you are amazing and they’re going to love you. And if they don’t…fuck ‘em.”

Rey laughed despite herself, covering her mouth with one hand. She looked up at Ben in the mirror, placing her hands over his, four hands resting on her belly now.

“Are you nervous?” Ben asked, his mouth still hidden in her hair. He hadn’t looked away from Rey once since they returned from the Park.

Rey nodded. “Yes. But I’m glad we’re doing this.” 

She turned around, standing on tip toe to kiss Ben. She still needed to pull him towards her. She tugged on his shirt lapels until he smiled, picking her up with one arm, kissing her back tenfold until they were both laughing, needing to come up for air.

Dinner would be at his parents’ place in midtown. They had purchased one of the top floor units in the high-rise building ten years prior so it was immodest to say the least. Leia had insisted they send a car for everyone instead of taking the train or a cab and Ben knew it wasn’t a battle worth fighting. His Mother had been so pleased when he said he and Tristian were coming and bringing Rey that Leia instantly went over the top, buying gifts, sending a car, insisting the kids spend the night at their place.

Ben had listened while she rattled off her list of things to do, list of things she had done, and all the ways the evening would be special, important _“for all of us.”_

He didn’t ask how his Father or Uncle felt.

Ben helped Tristian get dressed, sliding into his black dinner jacket, brushing any stray pieces of lint and fuzz from his shoulders with a gentle hand. Ben and Tristian wore matching dark suits.

“Time for the grand finale,” Ben muttered, standing behind his son in the bathroom mirror, attaching a dark blue yarmulke to the crown of his head. It was a smaller version of the one he currently wore. He had asked Zorri to select two for he and Tristian. Ben hadn’t worn a yarmulke in years but he knew it would mean a lot to his Mother if he and Tristian did. And as Rey gently kept reminding him, it was only one night.

“God, I hope they don’t expect us to show up for the other 7…” He had bemoaned in response. Rey had laughed and patted his shoulders, his back, giving him a kiss.

The four of them waited in the lobby for the car to arrive, everyone shrugging into their coats.

Ben held Rey’s hand as the black town car pulled up to the sidewalk, squeezing it once, twice, three times.

“Is this still okay?” Ben was looking down, the wind blowing his hair against his cheeks beneath the hood of his jacket.

Rey looked up, smiling, soft pink scarf tucked under her chin. “It’s always okay. Ben.”

The foursome bundled up in the backseat, the driver turning in the direction of midtown, joining the stop and start flow of holiday traffic. Ben held Rey’s hand on his thigh the entire way there.

When they pulled up in front of the massive skyscraper, Ben held his breath as he helped Rey out of the car, reaching back inside to take Tristian and Ollie’s hands, walking them up the massive steps. The imposing address and structure loomed overhead, Ben taking his time to lead the small group through the revolving glass doors.

The doorman, Mark, greeted them, knowing Ben on sight.

“They’ve been expecting you,” he commented, leading them to the elevators beyond the lobby and front desk.

Ben nodded, thanking him after asking how his wife and kids were doing since he last saw him and then the elevator doors closed and the four of them were alone.

“This place is so big,” Ollie commented looking up at her Mom, tugging on the bottom of Rey’s deep red coat.

“Yes, it is sweetheart.”

Ollie turned to Ben then, having to stretch much further on tip toe to see him.

“Do your parents live in a castle?” 

Ben bent down, picking Ollie up, holding her in one arm against his side, looking at her the entire time.

“It’s not a castle, no. It’s a really big apartment.”

Rey could only see the side of Ben’s face from this angle, her daughter’s back to her but Rey heard his words clearly.

“But your Mummy and I,” Rey had to stifle a laugh at Ben’s attempt at a British accent on the word _mummy_.

“We are going to live in a castle someday. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a year from now, but we will live there forever. All of us.” Ben reached up to rub the back of Ollie’s head, his hand overtaking its entire shape.

“And Mummy will be a Princess and you’ll be a Prince?”

Rey heard Tristian sigh, could sense the eye roll from where she stood.

“No, Ollie, they’ll be a _King_ and a _Queen_. _We’ll_ be the Prince and Princess.” Trin was pointing from Ben to Rey, from himself to Ollie.

Ben rubbed the top of his son’s head, his voice low and soft.

“We can all be whoever we want to be, whenever we want, all the time. How’s that sound?”

The elevator dinged, letting them off on the top floor.

Everyone waited a second before stepping off, Ben holding Tristian’s hand, still holding Ollie against his hip, Rey was walking by his side, her hand on Ben’s lower back as they walked toward the grand set of double doors at the end of the wide hallway. It was the only apartment on this floor.

Before Ben could let go of Tristian’s hand to knock, both doors swung open, a small figure standing there, arms open as two matching Australian Shepard dogs skittered out from each side of the woman, both leaping up onto Ben and Tristian’s legs, spring boards in their back legs.

“Sammy! Sunflower!” Trin let go of Ben’s hand, bending down to hug both dogs in his small arms, their snouts and tongues finding his face and ears with familiar ease.

“I missed you!” Trin exclaimed, still holding onto to whichever dog would let him hold him at any given moment.

Ben and Rey stood at the door, Ben still holding Ollie facing his Mother, Leia who walked slowly up to them, her features soft; her smile bright.

“Ben.” Even her voice was soft, laced with something stronger, bolder underneath. 

“Hi, Mom.” Ben’s voice was warm in return, leaning down to allow her to kiss him on the cheek.

“Well, who do we have here?” Leia rubbed Ollie’s arm with her slender hand.

“I’m Ollie, Olivia,” Ollie offered her hand and Leia shook it gently.

“Hello to you, Ollie. It’s so nice to meet you.”

Tristian had run into the apartment, Sammy and Sunflower trailing him, their claws making noise on the marble floor as they raced after him.

“And you must be Rey.” Leia moved to where Rey stood beside Ben, taking both of her hands in her own. Rey stood waiting, allowing Leia guide their synchronized movements, letting out even and steady breaths.

“Hello, Leia. Thank you for having me, us. Ollie and me.”

Leia waved the air as if to say it was ridiculous to even say such a thing.

“Well, come inside, we can’t stand out here all day now can we?”

“Can’t we?” Ben whispered looking down at Rey and winking. Her body relaxed, responding to his jest, the lightness he sought in such a moment shared between just the two of them.

Rey walked in step with Ben through the doors, Trin somewhere in a far off part of the house occupied with the dogs and toys most likely. Ben placed Ollie down on the floor in the foyer and began taking everyone’s coats and scarves, hanging them on the solid oak coat hanger by the door that his parents had kept for years. Already the space was familiar again, that tug of both comfort and unease that comes with stepping into the space your parents live without you once you’re an adult.

Leia was wearing the same designer dress she had been wearing for the first night of Hanukah for years now, always proud that she could still fit in it each year. She did the same thing at Passover just with a different dress.

Rey stood looking around the apartment in wonder. She had never seen anything like it.

It was massive in size, all marble and glass; spotless to the point it where it seemed like no one lived here at all. There were decorations up but always precisely placed, not a string of blue or white lights out of place, the appropriate amount of fresh cut flowers placed just where they should be; on the foyer table, on the living room window ledges and middle table; on the massive dining room table right in the center. Even the magazines and books were perfectly lined on the bookshelves and coffee tables, organized by color, untouched it seemed. Each room flowed into the other but somehow each had sharp corners, cutting you off from the idea that you could come and go as you pleased.

Rey thought of Ben’s last minute but passionate, over the top Halloween decorations he put up every year simply because he and his son loved doing it. She thought of the hand turkeys Ben had hanging on his fridge still, his books with their folded pages and dog eared covers from being shoved deep inside his messenger bag that he left all over the apartment. The difference was stark.

“There’s wine in the kitchen. And everywhere,” Leia said leading them in that direction, the cape of her grey dress flowing out behind her making her appear as a mystical creature, Rey thought. She seemed to walk on air, oblivious to gravity.

Ben was indeed his Mother’s son in this regard, as they stepped into the enormous kitchen; bottles of what Rey assumed were expensive red and white wine lining the counters and two kitchen islands, crystal wine glasses waiting beside each one. White lights encircled the bottles and glasses giving the kitchen a festive, warm glow that Rey was grateful to see.

Leia turned to the Ben and Rey, hands clasped together.

“So, where shall we begin?”

“Anywhere.” Rey and Ben blurted out at the same time.

“Shiraz it is,” Leia said turning to a bottle behind her, already opened, pouring the wine into three glasses evenly. Leia had a small glass of grape juice prepared for the children, and she bent down now, handing one of the glasses to Ollie who was still standing beside her Mother.

“And one for you, dear Ollie.”

Ollie thanked her, Leia rising to collect her own glass, her rings and bracelets moving against the crystal as she raised it.

“L’chaim!”

“L’chaim,” Ben and Rey said, lifting their glasses to Leia’s. Ollie mimicked the action from her place below them, all four drinking in unison.

Rey listened, noticing how Ben’s voice sounded, pulling out a rasp from the back of his throat on the word, clearly well versed in Hebrew and Yiddish in this way. She wanted to know everything about this part of him. This was only the beginning, she knew.

Leia refilled their glasses again, looking up at Rey. “So you’re a Doctor? That’s what Luke tells us.”

The mention of Luke’s name causes Ben’s back to straighten, her hand grasping his wine glass at the stem tightening as he drank his second glass without hesitation.

Rey nodded. “I am, at Columbia, a Surgeon, actually.”

“How wonderful. I’m sure Han or I will require your services at some point. Old people love going to the Doctor, if you haven’t noticed. It’s sort of a hobby of ours.”

Rey laughed, the wine hitting her system, diluting her nerves, along with Ben’s hand which now rested on the small of her back, his thumb rubbing circles around the base of her spine.

“Well, look who we have here,” came a booming voice from somewhere behind them, echoing as if the apartment were empty.

Rey turned to see who she guessed was Ben’s father, holding Tristian on his hip the same way Ben held his son; they even had a similar gait, long and confident strides, though Ben was extremely bow legged, a physical trait Rey found beyond endearing. Han Solo was still attractive, rough around the edges of his face and hands in a way she didn’t expect from a corporate attorney who had lived in Manhattan his entire life.

“Ah at last he arrives,” Leia commented, placing her empty glass on the counter. She motioned for him to come over.

“Rey, this is my husband, Han.”

“My Grandpa!” Tristian cheered.

Rey looked to Ben, for what she didn’t know; a reaction perhaps, or maybe to let him know she was here, that she wasn’t going anywhere. But instead Ben reached over, taking Tristian from Han, so that he could shake Rey’s hand, a firm grip, looking directly at her.

“It’s nice to meet you, Rey. I thought about going in for a hug, but I’m not really the hugging type. At least not until I’ve had a couple of glasses in me.”

“We know,” Leia said flatly, turning back to a fresh bottle of wine to share with everyone.

Rey smiled, brushing a stray piece of hair from her forehead. “It’s quite alright. I’m British so hugging is a foreign concept for us.”

Han laughed; a genuine laugh from deep in his belly. He wagged his finger at Rey.

“I like this one.”

Rey looked at Ben again, his face soft, but fixed. He was smiling, but standing still, holding another glass of wine as if it would protect him from unseen force in the room. Tristian was now standing beside his Father, waiting patiently as Leia filled his glass with juice.

Han clapped his hands together before accepting a glass of cherry red wine from Leia.

“I know you all have already done this, but let’s toast again.” Han turned to Rey, smiling. “We’ll do this a lot this evening. And we’ll do it all over again when Luke gets here. We’re a family of wine lovers no matter the occasion.”

Rey felt Ben swallow and shift beside her. She was waiting on either one to say something, anything to the other but nothing came. Instead she was a physical and emotional buffer, a new person to shower with attention and affection, it being much easier to show kindness to a stranger than someone you love, someone you had hurt. You could be silent alongside those who knew you best, but someone new must be entertained, fawned over; paraded around.

Rey understood her role and was happy to do this, to do anything for Ben. This was for him, but also for her, knowing this was a way to see a side of Ben she may never see otherwise. She took it all in, adding to her catalogue of Ben things and keepsakes, an eternal tome she put together and kept between her lungs, in the cells of her brain, in the crevices of her heart to access anytime she wanted.

Rey felt Ben’s hip sway into hers, no weight behind it, just a touch of bone and muscle.

“L’chaim!” The four adults in the room said, their glasses touching. Ollie and Trin did the same, attempting to repeat the word which made everyone laugh, breaking at least a thin layer of invisible frost around them.

Han disappeared into the back of the apartment again, returning with a handful of Dreidels, handing them to Ollie and Trin who set off for the living room, Tristian calmly explaining to Ollie how to play from their place on the smooth floor.

“Don’t worry, we got them real gifts too,” Leia said eyeing Han over the rim of her glass.

Rey looked up in surprise. “Oh, you really didn’t have to get Ollie anything. She’s just fine without…”

Leia was shaking her head. “Nonsense.” Leia looked at Ben then, her eyes soft. “She’s family.”

Rey didn’t dare look Ben’s way; instead she smiled and focused on Leia and Han who was now standing alongside his wife.

“Thank you both very much. It’s very kind of you.”

Han shrugged. “It’s the least we could do for throwing you into the Solo madness.”

Ben cleared his throat, speaking up at last.

“Mom? Do you need help with dinner?” Rey knew that Ben needed a task, something to do with his hands now to keep his mind quiet. He wanted to keep his body busy.

Leia looked thoughtful for a moment. “Dinner we can do after gifts and the blessings, but why don’t you help me with the latkes and rugelach?”

Ben nodded, walking over to the fridge, opening it while Leia pointed at what was needed, what could be warmed up, Ben getting plates from the cabinets overhead and knives and forks from the drawers. The best china was already on the dining room table.

Rey could tell from the way Mother and Son moved around one another in the kitchen that this was something they had done many times before, preparing food for the family, for events and gatherings. She could see now why Ben was so at home in any kitchen. It was a comfort for him, a ritual that lent him the task of caring for others, but it also placed him alongside his Mother who he was clearly closer to than his Father.

“Do you need me to get the Mandelbrot out of the oven and slice it?”

“That would be lovely, thanks Ben,” Leia called from the dining room where she was sprinkling candy between the plates.

Han turned to Rey who was nursing her third glass of wine.

“Why don’t we have a seat in the living room with the kids? The grownups seem to have this pretty well covered.”

Rey nodded, unsure what else to do. She met Ben’s gaze on the way out of the kitchen and he leaned down to give her a kiss, hands holding a plate of unsliced cake.

“I love you,” he whispered before pulling away to his task again.

Rey closed her eyes against the sensation, the sound of his voice. She wanted to stand there watching him, but she followed Han instead, content with the sounds of Ben in the kitchen, murmuring to himself, calling out to his Mother, drawers opening and closing, wine being poured.

Ben could create a home wherever he went. He was helping Rey do the same.

Han relaxed into a chair before the fire Rey hadn’t noticed until now. She took a seat opposite him. They each took their time sipping their drinks, looking at the flames, listening to the sounds coming from the kitchen. They watched Tristian and Ollie play between their feet, Ollie trying and finally getting the hang of the Dreidel.

“Look Mummy, I did it!”

Rey smiled. “Yes, you did darling.”

Han was smiling, watching the children spin their Dreidels. He got up from the chair without preamble, pouring himself a glass of whiskey from the mini-bar near the kitchen, returning to his seat, crossing one leg over the other.

  
“Ah, now that’s much better. Just don’t tell Leia.” He held his glass up to Rey. She held her glass of wine up in return.

Han wore a soft brown sweater and dark jeans, moccasins and brown socks on his feet. He was the picture of a retired professional, enjoying whiskey by the fire in mid-winter. His reading glasses sat on top of his head.

Rey found herself thinking of her own Father for some reason, a man, a person she had never seen but had spent countless hours thinking about. She wondered for a moment if he would look like Han Solo, relaxed and comfortable, confident bordering on cocky but time and age smoothing over some of the wrinkles of youthful arrogance. She wondered if her Father was a professor or maybe he had been a lawyer too. Maybe he was a garbage man or homeless. Maybe he was already gone.

She didn’t think about her parents that much anymore. There had been plenty of time for that over the years. Sometimes she wondered if not knowing was better or worse than having parents you hated, or parents who didn’t like who you had become. In the end she knew it didn’t matter.

Rey looked at Han for a few moments before he spoke, holding his whiskey near his knee, looking not at Rey but at the fire.

“I’m sure you know Ben and I don’t have the best relationship…”

Rey said nothing. She didn’t move from her place in the chair. She kept looking at Han, waiting for him to say more.

“Which is mostly my fault, well it’s all my fault really.” Han took a long, slow sip of his drink.

“He’s always been much closer to Luke than to his Mother or I. But,” Han shrugged now, looking up at Rey.

“I guess that’s probably no longer the case given what happened.”

Rey nodded, taking a drink from her own glass. The wine made her feel warm and light, more comfortable than she had been when she first arrived but still aware she was a stranger in a strange place with people who were already calling her family, confessing well known secrets to her over liquor and firewood.

“Have you ever thought of telling Ben any of this? Telling him how you really feel?” She hedged her bets on brutal honesty with Han. He seemed the type who could see right though it if you were bullshitting.

Ben was the same.

They were two adults speaking as they could only in such a setting; the holidays; both slightly tipsy, having only met minutes before and now confessions and judgements were unfurled without preface. It was a rare moment in time that Rey seized upon, wild with the desire to protect Ben in front of his Father.

Han shook his head. “I always think it’s never the right time. Or that it’s too late. I don’t know.” Another sip of whiskey. “It’s all excuses anyway.”

Rey shifted in her seat, sitting on the battlefield for Ben, not bothering with armor or any sort of shield. She would take all of the hits for him without turning away. She would declare victory.

“I imagine it was a surprise to realize what really happened with his education and certainly his Grandfather,” Rey’s voice was quiet for the sake of Ollie and Trin who were playing nearby but she was staring directly at Han.

Han’s face went sallow for a moment before he recovered.

“It’s embarrassing you know. It’s hard to tell your son that you don’t want to lose your Father in Law’s money because you aren’t sure how your own business is going to do and you have to be able to support your family.”

“But your business made a lot of money. It did very well.” Rey wasn’t letting go of the tether that easily.

Han nodded. “That is true. But it didn’t always, certainly not in the beginning.” Han rattled the cubes in his glass, his whiskey mostly water now.

“I had to sell my soul, take on a bunch of asshole clients, me and Leia both to make sure we had what we needed.”

“But Ben had no say in any of this. He didn’t get to decide if he really wanted to be a lawyer or not.”

Rey’s voice remained steady, but her body sat on the edge of the chair now. Leia and Ben were running the dishwasher, heating up the oven and talking over one another in the kitchen now, their holiday routine firmly in place. Sammy and Sunflower sat patiently by Ollie and Tristian as they played.

Anyone on the outside looking in would see a Norman Rockwell painting but like most of his work, there was something lost, something darker beneath the glossy veneer of happy, smiling faces, there was discomfort among ease.

“I know. It shouldn’t be a child’s burden to carry but…”

Rey waited. For what, she didn’t know. But she knew Han had to say something, anything. She would wait forever if she had to.

“We just did what we thought was right at the time. And it wasn’t. Sometimes I can’t believe…”

There was another pause where Rey said nothing, refusing to help Han.

“I can’t believe Ben turned out to be the man he is. I certainly can’t take any credit for it.” 

Han nodded toward Tristian.

“He’s a wonderful Father. He didn’t learn that from me, that’s for sure.”

Rey watched Han’s face work itself through more than one emotion, through a series of memories she couldn’t see but could feel.

“Yes, he is,” Rey offered quietly.

Han looked at Rey again.

“And he’s lucky to have found you. I can tell that he….well, I guess that he really...Benjamin loves you, Rey. He loves you in a way I’ve never seen him love anyone before. It’s like he was waiting for you.”

Rey remained steady in posture but felt her heart rearrange itself inside her rib cage.

“Other than Tristian, it feels like everything else in his life was just leading up to this, to you.”

Han knew no other way to be other than this, candid with a stranger even if it was too late, even if his words didn’t matter at all. He didn’t know how to keep himself or his thoughts closed up forever. Rey was a captive audience as the source of his honesty was Ben. That was all that mattered to her.

The doorbell rang, causing Sammy and Sunflower to jump up, howling as they ran for the door. The sound broke Rey and Han out of their make-believe protected bubble.

“That’ll be Luke,” Han said standing, rattling the ice cubes in his glass.

Rey nodded, standing as well.

“Han! That’s Luke; can you please get the door? We’re just about ready to move to the dining room,” Leia called from the kitchen.

Rey watched as Han went to open the door and a figure, much shorter, closer to Leia in height walked in holding a bagful of gifts, snow on the shoulders of his coat. Rey strained to see his face, wearing a mostly white and grey beard. He looked very much like a philosophy professor, she thought.

Han took Luke’s coat and the bag of gifts, carrying the bag into the dining room, calling over his shoulder for Luke to help himself to some wine in the kitchen.

“Will do,” He said stopping once he saw Rey standing by the fireplace. He walked over to her, extending one hand.

“You must be Rey. I’m Luke.”

Rey took his hand, taking a closer look at him now. His eyes were likely once a vibrant blue but now had faded to a duller hue, almost grey. Age had diminished his already shortened height. His hands were dry and there was an indention on his finger from writing.

“Hello Luke,” She said shaking his hand formally, offering no additional warmth. This was a formality and they both knew it. She knew Luke’s betrayal hurt Ben worse than his parents had.

Ben emerged from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a dishtowel, stopping when he saw Rey and Luke standing across from one another in the living room.

“Luke. Rey.”

Ben said their names because he did not know what else to say. All of the storylines in the book of his life bled onto the same page now, the ink running off the sheets.

They both turned to look at him.

Tristian was hanging onto Luke’s pants leg now.

“What gifts did you bring us Uncle Luke?”

Luke looked down, grateful to be distracted by his great-nephew.

“Lots of good stuff for everyone. But I think it’s time for blessings first.”

When he looked up, Ben was still standing there, gaze fixated on the two of them as if he were trying to figure out how the pairing made sense in his world, in this timeline.

“Why don’t we head to the dining room,” Rey suggested to Ollie and Tristian but she was talking to everyone, bypassing Luke to look at Ben as she walked towards him. Tristian and Ollie raced past, eager for presents and cake.

His arm instinctively reached out for Rey, pulling her to him, lips against her cheek, her ear while Luke watched.

“Thank you,” Ben murmured against her jawline.

There were other things and words Ben said that Luke could not hear or sense, before he released her. He could only see Ben’s jaw moving, talking to her in whispers not meant for him to know.

Luke watched Rey go before turning his attention back to Ben.

“It’s good to see you, Ben.”

Ben tossed the dishtowel over his shoulder, his velvet coat on the back of one of the chairs in the dining room to avoid getting dirty while he helped his Mother.

Somehow this was more difficult than being with his Mother and Father. This was the person who had protected Ben from his parent’s fights and crazy schedules when it became clear he did not come first. This was the person who had bought Ben any book he wanted, who made sure he had good grades but also played hooky with him and got ice cream and saw mid-day movies with him on hot days in the City when all of the other kids were stuck in stuffy classrooms.

Ben looked at the man now, so small compared to him, unable to believe there was ever a time where Luke felt large beside him.

“Thank you for coming, Luke,” Ben said his name low in the back of his throat. “I’m sure my Mother is very happy.”

Luke nodded. “I’m sure she’s much happier that you’re here.”

A beat as Luke took several steps closer to where Ben stood.

“I want you to know how sorry I am, Ben.”

Ben stood tall, listening.

“I know you will never forgive me and I can’t say that I blame you. But please know that nothing about what any of us did was noble or fair, no matter how we may try to rewrite it now.”

Ben looked past Luke into the dining room where his parents, Rey, Ollie and Tristian were arranging themselves around the food and drinks on the table. The Menorah sat in the middle, waiting to be lit. It had been in their family since his Mother and Uncle had been children.

Ben swallowed. “I know.” 

Luke was still looking at him. 

“Do you?” 

Ben said nothing for a bit, content to let the silence settle between the two of them, letting himself think.

“Just an apology is fine. Uncle Luke.” Ben found a breath deep in his chest and let it out bit by bit until all of the air was exhausted. The term of endearment for his Uncle had returned. 

“You don’t need to tell me how unfair anything was or is. I know.”

There was recognition on Luke’s face. He had said as much as Ben would allow and would say no more. It wasn’t as if things were put away, tucked safely in the past. But for now, this could be laid to rest.

Ben turned on his heel, tossing the dishtowel onto the kitchen island as he joined the rest his family in the dining room, a view of the City lights stretching out beyond the table. Luke walked a few steps behind. The space and distance felt as if might swallow them whole. But here in this room, things felt safe for the time being.

It was a new experience for Ben, feeling this secure around his family. He knew it was because of Rey.

Rey, who was now walking over to where he stood in the doorway of the dining room, holding out her hand to Ben, leading him to the head of the table where he slipped on his coat, his entire family standing around the table now. Rey stood behind the chair to his left with Ollie and Trin at her side, his Mother to his right, his Father beside her, Luke beside him, all waiting, looking in his direction.

“We wanted you to say the Blessings this year,” Leia said looking at Ben, hand on his elbow.

Ben looked at his Mother, then his Father and finally at Rey who nodded, the smallest smile on her face.

“I….doesn’t Dad usually do this?” Ben asked, apprehensive at being given such an important piece of ritual that had never belonged to him before.

“Yes but…we thought it was time to change things up a bit.” Leia glanced over at Han who was looking down at the table, working over something in his jaw.

“It’s time to put the past away,” Leia’s voice was low in the half-lit room. No one argued against her.

Han reached over to hand Ben the helper candle from the _Shamash_ along with a box of matches.

Ben looked at Rey once last time, his gaze falling to his son as he struck the match against its box, setting the flame onto the helper candle, transferring the light, blowing out the match.

He reached over with shaky hands, lighting the first candle on the left, summoning the blessings he had heard in childhood, as a teenager, as a young man, as the man he was today. The words were not something he personally believed in, but the saying of them held meaning for Ben. It was a constant in a life of very few stable, secure things. It was a promise kept each year, listening to his Father’s voice say the words he was about to speak for the first time out loud.

Ben’s voice began quiet and low, but found its way to strength and sound through each Blessing said over the light.

_“Blessed are you, Our God, Ruler of the universe, who makes us holy through Your Commandments, and commands us to light the Hanukkah lights.”_

_“Blessed are you, Our God, Ruler of the universe, who performed miracles for our ancestors in their days at this season.”_

_“Blessed are you, Our God, Ruler of the universe, for giving us life, for sustaining us, and for enabling us to reach this season.”_

Ben lit the single candle, the entire table watching it spark to life, its flame gentle but strong. He blew out the helper candle, placing it back in the Menorah. 

No one spoke for a long time. Rey felt her eyes fill and she could look at no one else but Ben who was staring at the lit candle, taking his rightful place at the head of the table, the head of his birth family, picking up the pieces they had left for him, creating something whole.

It was Han who spoke up first, clearing his throat to make way for words he had never spoken before. He was thinking, pulling up something from the back corners of his memory, from a faith he had married into, not one he was born into and often felt he had no place or part in.

_“Thus Saith the Lord, Israel is my son, even…my firstborn.”_

Han looked at Ben. He kept speaking.

_“And to the assembly of the firstborn who are enrolled in Heaven, and to God, the Judge of it all and to the spirits of the righteous…made perfect.”_

Tears were falling onto Rey’s cheeks now. She held Ben’s hand, tightening her grip until her knuckles were white.

Ben was staring at his Father, his face, his chest open, gently collapsing inside itself.

_“And I will make him the firstborn, the highest of the Kings of the Earth.”_

Han stood back, finished speaking.

Leia was crying quietly, a handkerchief pulled from the sleeve of her dress, held up to her eyes. Rey moved to pick up and hold Tristian who was sniffling at the sight of his Grandmother doing so. 

Ben was still looking at his Father, having those words spoken over his head, a long overdue baptism of sorts for his firstborn, his only child; his son.

There were spirits in the room, ancestors dark and light. There were those who put out the light, and those who died for it, desperate to keep it alive against all odds.

Ben sat down slowly, Rey still watching him, Tristian now in her lap, Ollie sitting beside her.

Ben looked at her, offering his hand, palm up on the table for her to take. She looked at the underside of his wedding ring in the glow of the candle before slipping her hand into his where it remained the rest of the evening, for the entire car ride home, and still finally in bed, Rey watching Ben fall asleep, newly crowned, deeply and eternally loved.

~ ~ ~

_Spring_

Rey placed her bare feet onto the grass, onto the cool soil beneath. Her dress was vintage lace and cotton, yellowing at its edges, but soft all over. Her sleeves were large at the wrist, fitted the rest of the way up. The dress was backless with a scoop neck. Her hair was down, daises threaded with ivy and Baby’s Breath throughout her curls and the bouquet of flowers sitting on the well-worn wooden table beside her.

The dress has been a gift from a friend of Ben’s from college, Holdo is who Ben refereed to her as, but Rey much preferred to call her Amilyn. It was a lovely name and felt good on her lips every time she said it.

Rey did not have any traditional, precious heirlooms or hand me downs from her own Mother or the countless Mothers that followed. This dress suited her just fine. It was simple and lovely, classic and well loved. She didn’t ask Amilyn where she had gotten it. She didn’t care. It was hers now. She had found it on Ben’s bed the week before, with two notes on top, one from Ben that simply said _I didn’t peek!,_ and one from Amilyn that said _Yours Forever, A.H._

It was spring, the sun was playing hide and seek with puffy clouds, resting as it waited, collecting heat and energy for summer.

Rey looked skywards, scrunching her nose, a gentle smile on her face. She sat outside on a bench at a picnic table, the well-aged wood cool through the lace on the back of her legs and knees.

They were only a few hours away from the City but it may as well have been a different planet, a different life all together. This was just what she wanted, what they both wanted. Ben had a big wedding in his early 20’s, in the Temple, the after party at a fancy hotel in Midtown, close to 500 people in attendance, announcements in the paper because of who his parents happened to be, the whole thing. Ben told her it was mortifying but he of course had no say. He had not had a voice at the table about his own wedding; a theme Rey realized was ongoing in his life.

Or once was.

Rey didn’t want any of that. Her own wedding back in England had been a quiet affair, not out of modesty or tight purse strings and it was almost over before she realized what had happened. It was done almost as if they had been ashamed of having a ceremony, a joining at all; it had been too quick, too easy, very little planning, simply checking a box. Then it was over. And then it was over for good a few years later.

 _Well now. That’s finished, isn’t it?_ Rey thought. It was a simple thought, banal even, but a mental book end none the less. It felt good, important somehow to think it, to even whisper it under her breath as she sat there, enjoying the quiet, the last few moments alone, running her feet along the damp, cool earth. She felt rooted, fixed to this time and place, this particular piece of ground and sky.

Rey rose from her place on the bench to stand, taking in her surroundings. The winery upstate was tucked right up against low-slung mountains, a busy, bubbling creek down below. Everything around her was green and lush. The large, old house on top of the hill was decorated with white fairy lights to be switched on later, along with the tables and chairs that had been pulled outside and arranged just so. She and Ben had bought the lights at a gas station on the drive up.

One long table sat at the center of it all that could fit the people they had brought along; a white table cloth on top, simple plates and silverware, white candles waiting to be lit later, the candles and plates Rey and Ben had also found along the way at an antique store tucked back and away from the side of the road. Everything had been packed in the trunk, Ollie and Tristian in the backseat, taking turns being excited and sleepy as they drove on.

Rey and Ben had wanted a single table, not a scattering of tables here and there, forcing people to get up and mingle. No, they wanted all of their people together, connected at least in terms physical space. Maybe it was silly but it was the image of one long table under the sky, lit by candles, decorated with flowers and white wine, Rey had held that vision since they had started talking about when and where all of this would take place. 

And here it was; the centerpiece of their gently turning world. A creation all their own.

Ivy, daises and lilies sat scattered throughout the top of the endless table, laced through the veranda of the house, and all over the arch at the end of the aisle in the distance. Rey walked over to the table, running her hand along the loose flower petals on the tablecloth, touching the crisp stems with the tips of her fingers, running them along the edges of those flowers in vases.

Weddings were never something Rey cared about, the outlandish sort, she was not. She would sit and quietly judge women who shelled out thousands of dollars for dresses they would only wear once, agonizing over seating charts and arguing about things that had yet to happen. No, the grand showing off of one’s relationship had never been her cup of tea. Rey had been in two weddings, one of which she had been the maid of honor for her college roommate whom she didn’t even speak to anymore. Life had a funny way of picking up people and putting them down someplace you couldn’t find them as the years went on.

Rey was in a world of her own now, tracing a hand across the backs of the chairs waiting for their guests to come down from the main house or places nearby, her eyes going in and out of focus towards the space behind the hills, back and forth from where she stood to what lay beyond. The soles of her feet were smudged with soil and grass, her body feeling grounded in a way she knew she needed, in a way she always secretly craved.

She had done her own hair, which meant just washing it, letting it air dry, sticking flowers in alongside Ollie who helped until they were both satisfied. Rey wore very little make up, bringing as little as possible with her from the City. Most of her bag had been packed with books for Ollie, phone chargers, a choice of ties for Ben and a handwritten list of things they needed to buy on the way there.

This lack of planning, the pulling back from getting swept up in the madness and chaos that could so easily touch down inside her mind, was Rey’s way of keeping, of maintaining control. It wasn’t fear that kept her composed, stoic. It wasn’t giving half of who she was to this, to Ben, knowing she could run away, that she could flee at any moment. No, this was the focus she needed. She was learning to let love guide her while still keeping watch, holding up her own lamp along the journey.

Something or someone moved in the smallest corner of her field of vision. She turned to see her companions who had come back into her world, welcome, not minding that her solitude was temporary, always relieved to be reminded they were real, they were here.

Ben stood tall at the top of the grassy hill; Olivia balanced on his hip, Trin holding his other hand. The three stood watching her, Ollie, putting a hand up to her mouth, and then taking it away again. She was blowing kisses to her Mother. She held a hand up to Ben’s mouth so that he could do the same.

Rey laughed, stealing their kisses in mid-air, placing them in the palm of her hand, putting her hand over her heart. She waved for them to come down to where she was.

Ben was dressed in his favorite black velvet suit, white shirt and white silk tie underneath. Rey could see from here that he was barefoot as were the kids. Ben’s ankles and feet were long and thin; Tristian’s the same as he grew at a rapid pace eager to catch up to his Father, but Ollie was still holding onto her baby round feet, wrists and elbows. The image, the reality of Ollie’s youth made Rey smile.

She watched as Ben made his way down the hill, still holding onto Ollie at his hip, her body small in his large hand, his tight grip. Tristian let go of his Father’s hand to run ahead, voice at the top of his lungs as he let loose a happy scream, a city child set free in the wide open at last, running towards Rey at full speed, arms above his head. He was flying.

Tradition and lore were thrown out as Ben had seen Rey that morning in the quiet of their bedroom inside the top floor of the large house on top of the hill, wearing her wedding dress for the first time in front of him. She had tried it on at home, pleased that it fit, it was just slightly too long but otherwise perfect. Rey had known she would not be in heels at any point that day. The thought alone had made her happy.

But Ben seeing the dress that morning had gone just as she wanted it, the low intake of breath from him as she emerged from the bathroom, his eyes shifting, changing color and shape as the realization of what she was wearing hit him, a new sort of reverence washing over him.

“Rey…” her name had slipped out from between his lips as a lover leaves a bedroom full of morning after an already buried night.

Ben had picked her up then, not waiting for her to walk any further, no need for her to meet him in the center of the room. Instead he carried her to their unmade bed, thick, white duvet pushed up against the foot of the mattress as he set her down again, head between their pillows.

Rey kept her dress on the whole time, Ben asking her to; wanting the sight of Rey beneath him, sheathed in white, to ease some chaotic part of his mind.

Rey let herself be worshipped and prized under Ben’s gaze, his hunger, his love. She was perfectly fine with playing at the fantasy of being something or someone to be taken, to be rescued, a bride of long, long ago, stuck in her tower, pure as the driven snow. Ben and Rey played at many things like this, folding and unfolding themselves as a sign of strength, not weakness.

Rey could live in this pretend moment, this make-believe world knowing that the man who craved her was in every way lovely, a soft soul burned and charred black at its edges, yet still it remained strong and open, the deepest, truest parts of Ben Solo eager to love and be loved in return.

Rey was standing by the burbling stream now, the sun bright as morning had vanished to let the earth warm for a few midday hours as Trin rushed to her, skidding to a stop only inches from the front of her legs. Rey scooped him up in both arms, hoisting him onto her hip, swaying with the weight of him.

Ben too was headed her way, so close now, his distinctive long strides leaving behind a trail in the tall grass, both hands supporting Ollie, who was still waving and calling out to her Mummy.

“My love,” she said to her daughter, to Ben, to Trin, to the family that gathered around her now. Rey would have gotten down on both knees to thank, to express her deep and undying love to the sun, the moon and the stars if someone, anyone had told her they were the holy trinity to thank for today, for the man standing in front of her and the little beings clinging to each of them under the welcoming sun.

“Our love,” Ben said in return, almost shy at such a proclamation, at such an inclusion of both of their children. In most ways, Rey had learned, Ben was often brave, speaking, sharing his needs, his desires, his wants and dislikes. She envied him this trait, but each day she grew stronger, bolder alongside him, unafraid of her own yearnings, steadfast alongside change and chaos.

The day unfolded slowly, lunch would be served outside at the long table, the wedding not being until sunset. But this was a celebration, nothing to wait for, no grand announcement or moment. Rey and Ben wanted everything to flow, one joining; one gathering after another without a set schedule. They wanted everyone to be relaxed, including themselves, in no rush to do anything or be anywhere. It was a day of no expectations whatsoever.

Lunch was simple, potato leek soup and warm bread, white wine brought out by the staff, placed in front of each plate at the long table. Friends and family slowly made their way down the hill from the main house and the driveway, stopping to say hello to Rey and Ben as they arrived.

Rey watched as Ben warmly greeted the man he called Uncle Chewie, a Judge who had been his Father’s friend since law school, and who had agreed to marry them. They shook hands, then hugged, Ben introducing Rey to him. He was the only person Rey had ever met who was taller than Ben. He had arrived in a junky car he’d been driving since the late 70’s, put together piece by piece many times by his own hands as a hobby.

“Rey, it is so lovely to meet you.” Chewie pulled her into a hug, lifting her off the ground, making her laugh in surprise, comfortable in his presence already. He had the disposition of a gentle giant. 

Holdo arrived, hugging both Ben and Rey tightly, pulling back to admire how the dress looked on Rey. She had gasped when she first saw her wearing it, making her way to Rey arms outstretched; mouth agape.

“My goodness, it was meant for you,” she breathed, taking in Rey from head to toe. She looked earthy and she was glowing. Ben pulled Rey in close beside him, nuzzling his lips and nose into her hair, Baby’s Breath tickling his nose.

“You are very lucky, Benjamin,” Holdo said, taking them both in now, holding onto their elbows. “You are the picture of happiness.” 

Rey felt herself actually blush at Holdo’s words, letting Ben hold her, head on his shoulder, content to stay that way for the rest of the afternoon and evening if she could. They stood there, at the entrance of the garden, welcoming everyone who came, people from the Firm mostly and Rey’s work until at last Hux and Poe arrived together along with Finn, the trio heading down the hill, Poe screaming Ben’s name at the top of his lungs already.

“Oh boy,” Ben muttered against Rey’s hair, watching his friend race towards them at full speed, tie flying behind him.

“Here comes your best man,” Rey teased, waving at Finn who was already rolling his eyes at Poe’s antics, Ben laughing.

“He gave himself that role.”

Rey nodded, but knew Ben was happy Poe was there, manic as usual. It wouldn’t be their wedding without him.

Now Poe was here, grabbing the both of them, Hux and Finn several feet behind.

“Look at you two crazy kids! Getting married! I can’t believe it.” He stood back, hands on his hips, shaking his head. A piece of hair kept falling into his eyes. Rey stepped forward to gently push it back in place.

Poe turned around quickly to where Finn and Hux were approaching, his arms around both Ben and Rey.

“Hey guys, look who I found!”

“We’re so glad you’re here, Poe,” Rey’s voice was gentle, patting Poe’s back as he held the two of them, showing them off.

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else, not for anything in the world.”

Finally Hux and Finn caught up to him, Finn hugging Rey, spinning her in a circle, the two of them laughing, while Hux extended his hand formally to Ben.

“Congratulations to you Benjamin,” his voice was smooth and even, but his face betrayed him as it always did. He was happy. He was maybe even a little proud.

“Is that all you’re going to do? Shake his hand? Hux how _could_ you…after all this time?” Rey’s voice was full of mock indignation from her place beside Ben.

Hux opened his mouth to argue, but it was too late since Ben was reaching out, letting go of Poe and Rey to pull him in for a hug, patting his back.

“Thank you for being here,” Ben said and he meant it.

Hux stepped back, adjusting the bottom of his beige suit jacket. He nodded at Ben, then at Rey.

“You’ll do just fine, I’m sure.”

“Ah, that’s our Hux, a true romantic,” Poe said, slapping Hux on the shoulder.

Finn dragged Poe away at last but only with the promise of wine and food, while Hux remained, looking around at the small group that had gathered. Music had begun to play from some place unseen.

“Where are Han and Leia?” Hux looked at Ben then. “And Luke?”

Ben ran a hand through his hair, looking back at the wedding party. He looked down at Rey who was rubbing slow, small circles on his lower back.

“We’re having a dinner with them when we get back to the City.”

Hux raised his eyebrows but said nothing. He knew Ben well enough by now to not inquire further. He put his hands behind his back and continued to survey the lay of the land around him.

Ben kept looking towards the house, the parking lot, running a hand over his mouth until Rey stopped him, standing on tip toe to swat at his fingers on his lips for the sixth time in as many minutes.

“What are you waiting for?” Rey looked around. “Are we missing anyone?”

Ben cleared his throat, shaking his head.

“Just Zorrii. I hope she made it in okay.” Ben pulled out his phone, typing out a text. He was surprised his phone didn’t know how to automatically text Zorrii by now.

 _10 minutes away_ came the reply a second later _._

Poe was now dancing with Finn, bypassing food all together. Hux and Chewie sat at the end of the table talking, a glass of whiskey between them that seemed to come from nowhere. Tristian and Ollie took turns hiding under the table.

Zorrii’s rental pulled into the parking exactly ten minutes later, her heels clicking across the pavement, cream colored purse over her shoulder. Ben saw her, relief flooding him when she waved, her face relaxed, calm.

Ben turned back to the lunch that had now stretched into the late afternoon; wine poured and drank, replaced with more and eventually champagne. Rey was never far from his sight, even as she walked around to speak with everyone, stopping at one point to play in the stream with Ollie and Tristian. Poe eventually joined them, pants legs rolled up.

The sun headed east, drawing out the long sky, winter completely abandoned. Light lingered now, taking its time to mix and mingle with the stars and purple blankets of clouds.

Chewie approached Ben at the middle of table where he sat with Tristian on his lap, whispering to him, one hand on his back, Ben nodding in response. He looked at Rey standing over him, leaning down to kiss him. Ollie played beneath her mother’s dress on one side.

“I love you,” Rey said lining Ben’s cheeks and neck with kisses until he was laughing.

“Can we please go get married now?”

Ben rose; taking her hand, Tristian’s hand in the other, Ollie on the other side of Rey, as they walked at first, then ran as fast as their legs would carry them towards the top of the aisle that faced the mountains and stream where everyone had started to gather holding their glasses, barefoot.

“It’s almost time!” Ollie screamed, pointing at the sun.

Ben picked her up, swinging her up onto his hip, bringing her close so he could whisper something to her. 

“Yes, it is. Can you and Trin go find Aunt Zorrii and tell her to give you your gift?”

Ollie nodded, Ben putting her back down on the ground, watching her and Tristian run again; wild ponies racing towards their prize.

Ben turned to Rey, taking her by the shoulders, bending down to kiss her. They both closed their eyes at the touch.

“Are we crazy?”

Rey looked up at Ben, blinking, serious. “Oh, absolutely. No doubt about it.”

Ben laughed, pulling her against him one last time.

Chewie stood at the end of the aisle, the other guests settling in their white chairs. Poe stood beside Ben now, giving him a side hug, already emotional. Ben ended up soothing him, per usual.

“I can’t believe this is really happening.” Poe was wiping at his eyes with a handkerchief. Ben patted his back, nodding, assuring him it was all going to work out just fine, all would be well.

The sun was partially behind the mountain now. Finn began walking Rey down the short aisle on his arm, people standing on either side.

Rey walked two steps ahead of Finn, impatient to get to Ben. She reached him in seconds, grabbing his hand and holding it to her chest, not interested in a long parade to reach him. Ben was laughing, stooping down to kiss her when Chewie asked them to face one another and exchange the vows they had written.

Ben’s voice was shaky, pulling out a piece of paper from the pocket of his suit, standing barefoot on the grass in front of Rey. He took a deep breath before he began to speak.

Ben looked up at the woman wearing all lace and white across from him, then a small glance at the gathering before them before continuing.

Ben paused then, looking up from his paper before folding it carefully, tucking his scribblings in black ink away in the pocket of his coat. He had spent hours writing his vows over his desk at work, in bed at night after Rey had fallen asleep, but now he found he no longer needed them.

“Rey. You make me feel loved. Secure. Safe. These words may sound insignificant coming from me but it’s true, you do. I love you. I did as soon as you sat down at that restaurant in Chinatown and made me drink those god awful martinis and dance in the street and…yes that really happened.”

Rey and everyone laughed, even Ben.

Ben told Rey many things. He told her that he loved her then and he loved her now, that he would love her always. He talked about how she opened his mind and expanded his world and how he couldn’t thank her enough for that. But that he would spend the rest of his life trying.

He told her that it was she who protected him and not the other way around.

Rey’s voice was bold, but she was speaking only to Ben when she said that their love felt centuries and seconds old. She meant it when she said that he was nothing short of an astounding man, a gentle, compassionate human, a wonderful Father, already the husband she wanted. He was Ben Solo, she said his name proudly, her voice full of love and admiration for who she had chosen.

She told him and everyone else that they were two sides of a whole and would remain that way.

Ollie and Tristian were running back towards them now, Zorrii right behind them, bypassing everyone and everything around them, headed straight for their parents, pebbles in the calm water.

“Rey! It’s a ring Daddy had made for you Rey!” 

“Mummy! Ben got you a ring!”

They were all elbows and knees scrambling to reach Rey, Ollie holding a velvet box with Rey’s ring, holding it up to her Mother, jumping up and down. Zorrii stood behind them, mouthing _I’m sorry_ to Ben who only laughed.

This was a new Ben Solo indeed; in every way that a person can be new.

Rey took the box, looking inside, seeing the ring Ben had chosen for her at last. He had waited, wanting it to be a surprise and it was.

“It’s my birthstone,” she whispered, touching the stone gently. “And Ollie’s.” 

She looked up at Ben. He reached for the box, handing it to his Uncle Chewie after he took out the ring, jewels on a gold and silver band that matched the one Rey had chosen for him.

“We can add mine and Tristian’s…whenever you like, if you want.” Ben almost looked sheepish, hoping his idea did not seem trivial or childlike.

Rey was nodding already. “I want. I want, I do, _I do_! Is it time to say that yet? Because I do!”

Laughter rose around them, Ben sliding the ring onto Rey’s finger, clasping hands, then bodies, then lips as cheers rose, starting with Poe who had been holding it in all day.

White confetti fell on them from all sides as they ran down the aisle, Rey holding Ollie, Ben holding Tristian. Everyone followed; some running, some walking, moving across grass and flowers to keep up with them, but Ben and Rey were too far gone, running ahead of them, alone together.

The sun had set by now, candles all around and sitting on the table, lighting everyone’s face with amber hues, a soft glow. Dinner was waiting with fresh wine, all selected by Ben of course.

Poe had given a drunken toast earlier that Finn had to interrupt when he began to sing Lean on Me and asking the crowd to sing along. 

There was dancing, cake, talking, laughter and tears (mostly Poe’s). Time was lost to joy and celebration to everyone there. Tristian fell asleep in his Father’s lap at the table; Ollie was sleeping on the cool grass beneath the table at Rey’s feet. Music still played, and no one was in a hurry to go anywhere, no one wanting to break the spell.

Rey looked at Ben in the warm light, running a hand through his son’s dark curls. He was tired. They both were. They were holding one another up knowing they would be alone, able to rest, able to enjoy one another soon.

Rey took a sip out of her wine, ready to be in bed next to Ben. She looked down at her ring, then at his.

“We _really_ fucking did it,” She leaned over, whispering directly in Ben’s ear.

He turned to her. “I want to say something romantic right now.”

Rey shook her head. “Just sit here with me.”

Ben nodded, holding her hand on the table, his other hand in Tristian’s hair. They looked out past them at the small crowd, Rey’s head on Ben’s shoulder. They blinked in unison, their eyes heavy; their hearts light.

Neither said a word, but both were unified in one repeating thought.

_I’m yours._

_~ ~~_

_Epilogue_

Ben walked up the stairs of their building, balancing the reusable bag full of groceries on one arm, holding onto the back of the wrap across his stomach and chest with the other.

It was spring, nearly summer, the perfect in-between stretch of time in the City. It was one of Ben’s favorite times of the year.

He unlocked the main doors with the hand holding the bag, stopping to check the mail in the lobby, tossing it in on top of the celery, bread, and tangerines.

Ben climbed the stairs of their sixth-floor walkup since the elevator was down, humming along the way. It was no song in particular, just a random melody that had been in his head for a few days now. He stopped outside the door, working the key for the apartment against the lock but the door opened first, Rey standing there, hands on hips, smiling.

“What took you two so long?”

Ben stepped inside, placing the bag down on the floor to pull his wife in, smooshing her under his arm so all Rey could do was peek out from the side of his chest. Her hand moved to the pouch attached to the front of his body, rubbing her fingers along the soft back of Hanna’s head. She leaned in to smell her daughter’s neck.

“I missed you,” she said to them both.

Ben was laughing. “We were gone twenty minutes.” 

Rey bent down to pick up the bag of groceries, carrying it into the kitchen, Ben right behind her.

“I got everything we need for salads this week.” Ben began listing off the things he had purchased even as Rey pulled them out of the bag, but she was happy to listen, happy to hear the low tone of his voice move and vibrate through the kitchen.

“And I see you bought a bottle of wine,” Rey smiled, removing a cold bottle of Riesling from the bottom of the bag, turning to place it in the wine cooler under the counter.

“Always,” Ben smiled.

He was shifting his weight from foot to foot, gently rocking Hanna who was still bundled up against his chest. His hand rested on the back of her head, covering it completely. Rey studied the image for a moment, his hand on their daughter’s head, large and gentle; his wedding ring in plain view. Every part of Ben belonged to Rey, to their family and vice versa.

It was an existence Rey had fallen into suddenly, without warning but there was an element of pre-destiny tied up in the fibers of her current life. At times it seemed as if this was all a surprise, flying at her without preamble from the universe but then there were moments like these, and they were frequent, reminding her that no, this was right where she belonged.

“Do you want crab cakes for dinner? I was thinking they would go well with the wine I picked up…” Ben’s voice trailed off somewhere, the echo of his words floating around Rey’s body, hearing them, but content to just watch and listen, to not respond just yet, to instead pretend that she was watching her own life from afar, a comfortable out of body experience, a movie she never wanted to end.

Rey helped Ben put the groceries away, Hanna now resting on his shoulder, chubby, bare feet kicking against his rib cage, tiny hands tugging at the ends of his hair, gurgling alongside their voices, their domestic sounds. Ben turned on the Bluetooth, playing jazz, as they moved around one another in the kitchen, Ben stirring things on the stove with one hand, holding Hanna with the other.

Ollie came into the kitchen holding a book, climbing up onto a chair at the kitchen island to read beside Rey who was chopping bell peppers at the counter. Ollie would read aloud, pointing to a word she wasn’t sure about, pausing, and Rey would help her pronounce it by sounding it out or looking at the picture above or next to it. Tristian was building a fortress from Legos in the living room; a project Ben had been helping him with each evening after work.

Their days were mostly like this, slow and easy, or busy and constant and they were fine with both. They had comfortable routines with work and errands, and now three kids, Rey and Ben deciding to expand their family who knew how much. They had loose plans, shared ideas, and all of them included having more children together.

Rey had once asked Ben how many kids he wanted when they first began discussing the idea, and his deadpan response had been “a dozen.” 

Rey laughed. “I guess I shouldn’t have asked you that while you’re naked with me, in the shower.”

Ben had shaken his head wildly, sending water droplets from his hair everywhere, making them both laugh.

And now they were here, in a shared space, a shared life.

Rey now watched Ben every night in bed working or reading, giving in and wearing reading glasses after some time at Rey’s insistence who swore that he looked sexy in them. Ben now made dinner for more than just himself or Tristian, he looked forward to leaving work right at five to meet his family at home for dinner or out somewhere, the sight of Rey with or without their kids causing his face to light up from blocks away as he quickened his steps, eager to get to her, to them as fast as he could.

Few things were a real fear, only the forbidden thought of being without the other, without their family. Theirs was a crooked, messy fairy tale, its pages bent and stained. At times it seemed they were impostors in their own story, arriving late to the action, nearly missing the best parts. But instead they jumped in, sharing adventures side by side big and small.

There was a place for the other in their minds, in the deepest parts of who they were, who they would become. It was a joining, a jumbled union with missing pieces and bit players that somehow worked.

Rey would catch herself at times, walking in step alongside Ben on the street. She would catch his profile when he wasn’t aware, his hair moving back and away from his jaw and ear, where she could see him think; when she would watch his thoughts come and go, sensing his feelings across his features, unease, confusion, untamed joy. She would say something silly to make him laugh, just to see the sharp, uneven edges of his teeth, to watch his throat move with laughter.

There were times Ben would see Rey from the corner of his eye, watching him, and he would feel loved. He would pretend he didn’t notice only to keep her gaze on him a little bit longer. He took respite under the shelter of her love and attention. He waited for her to slip her arm through his once she had her fill, a small smile against his elbow at some shared joke he would pretend he had never heard before, just to see her face when he laughed.

And now, Ben watched Rey with Olivia chopping vegetables and reading aloud together. He listened for Tristian’s sounds of laughter from a few feet away, his head of black curls growing longer by the day. He held Hanna close to his chest, feeling the weight of her against him, reminding him she was really here.

Rey watched Ben’s back from her place beside Ollie, a pile of peppers and cucumbers beside them, a stack of books on the other side. She looked at the arch of his back, the shape of his shoulders, how his head tilted until it rested against Hanna’s. She could see he was whispering something to her, something just for the two of them to know.

He turned then, his lips still pressed to their daughter’s round cheeks. Rey smiled, reaching out her hand across the kitchen counter. Ben moved closer, putting his hand in hers, moving into a state of grace under her touch. Rey leaned down to kiss the top of his hand, seeing Ben as a Prince in her mind, this love his investiture, this love a coronation, a shared throne.

FIN. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read and commented, left kudos along the way. I will miss writing this story. x


End file.
